Kit wanted to pull her in tight and tell her everything was okay. But it wasn’t, not yet. Not until she had told him, whatever she needed to. ‘Then what happened?’
Maddison stared at the house, her eyes unfocused as if she could see her younger self playing in the wooded yard. ‘Then she died. My mom was supposed to inherit the house, only there were medical bills and she had to sell it. I think that’s when it all got too much for her.’
‘How about you? How did it affect you?’
She didn’t answer for a long moment, her hands twisting in her lap, then turned back to the wheel and restarted the engine. It wasn’t until she was backing out of the driveway that she answered, her voice hoarse with repressed tears. ‘Like I’d lost my world. I guess I had.’
It took nearly a quarter of an hour to reach her next destination. Maddison headed out of town before taking an abrupt turn down an untreated road, the woods encroaching on both sides of the rough track. At various intervals the trees were hacked back and small cottages or trailers built in the scrubby wastelands. Kit held on as the car bumped over stones and potholes. ‘I hope you got a good insurance deal,’ he said through gritted teeth.
Maddison didn’t answer, her focus on the road ahead. Finally, just when Kit was sure his insides had been turned into a cocktail definitely shaken not stirred, she pulled into a rough clearing. At the back, on breeze blocks, stood a trailer, the windows boarded up and the door swinging off its hinges. Surely not...
Kit stared at the trailer, unable to disguise his revulsion. ‘Please tell me this is where you lost your virginity or went all Blair Witch,’ he said. ‘Please don’t tell me you lived here.’ But she was afraid of the dark. She’d mentioned being hungry and cold. He’d known it was bad. He just had hoped it wasn’t this bad.
‘It was only meant to be temporary. Till Mom got some money and a proper job.’ Her voice cracked. ‘We had a fund, the Maddison and Mom fund, and we were going to use it to travel, to get a proper house, to go to Disneyland. But it was hard to save even before Grandma died and afterwards... I’d get ill or needed new shoes or there were bills and so the fund kept getting depleted even though Mom worked all the time.’
‘Who looked after you while she worked?’ But he already knew the answer. ‘You were a child. Alone, out here?’
‘She said I was never to tell. That if they knew they’d take me away.’
Kit thought back to his own wild childhood. Roaming free, swimming, sailing, hiking, utterly secure in his parents’ love. He’d never realized just how lucky he had been. How lucky he still was in many ways. How much he had taken for granted, how much he had pushed away.
Maddison carried on, her voice expressionless, as if she were reading from a script. ‘She got more and more tired and then she was just angry all the time. One night she picked up the phone to call for pizza and the phone had been cut off. She was so mad, swearing and screaming and kicking things—and then she left. Picked up her car keys and walked away. I thought she’d gone for pizza but she didn’t come back and when I woke in the morning she was passed out on the sofa. She’d never really drunk before that but I think she just needed to stop thinking—and the drink helped her forget for a time at least.’
It didn’t take too much detective work to guess the rest. ‘And she carried on drinking?’
Maddison nodded. ‘Soon I became that child, you know, the one no one wants to sit next to in case they catch something. It’s hard to keep clean when the hot water is cut off and you don’t have a washing machine. It’s hard to look smart when all your clothes are second-hand.’ Her voice dripped with bitterness and Kit’s heart ached to hear it. Ached for the lonely, neglected child.
‘And no one did anything? Your teachers? Social workers?’
‘A few tried to talk to me but I said I was fine. I didn’t want to be taken away. This might not look like much but it was all I knew. Mom made just enough of an effort when she had to come in to school, at least she did back then. I’m glad she’s not still here,’ she said, her voice shaking. ‘I’m glad she got out.’
The trailer looked like no one had lived there for a very long time and Kit was relieved when Maddison reversed and pulled away. He wasn’t sure he could have looked inside the trailer and not cracked. ‘Do you know where she is?’
‘Mrs Stanmeyer said she got clean the year I left. Apparently she finally got her degree and got a job as a teacher, can you believe it? Married three years ago and moved to Chatham. She has a little girl, she’s about two. My sister.’
‘Are you going to go and see her?’
Maddison’s mouth trembled. ‘I haven’t decided.’
‘I’ll come with you, if you want me to.’
‘Thank you. Not today. I’m not ready. But maybe tomorrow.’
She was talking about tomorrow. With him. Kit waited for panic to hit him but it was gone as if it had never been. Tomorrow was just a word.
‘Okay, in that case, where next?’
‘Next?’ Her mouth curved into an unexpected smile. ‘Clue Three. The reinvention of Maddison Carter.’
She took them back into town, driving straight through the centre and turning into a large car park situated beside playing fields and an official-looking building that proclaimed itself ‘Bayside High, Home of the Sea Hawks.’
‘Sea Hawks, huh?’ Kit tried to lighten the mood. ‘Were you a cheerleader? I bet you looked amazing in one of those skirts.’
‘No, girls like me didn’t get to be cheerleaders. Although you’re right, I would have looked pretty darn good in that skirt.’
‘So which were you? The jock, the princess. The geek? Ally Sheedy?’
He was relieved to hear her choke out a laugh. ‘Which do you think? I was Ally Sheedy both before and after the makeover. Only mine was better. A real reinvention.’
‘I’m glad to hear it.’
‘In junior high I began working. I was too young for a proper job so I hustled for work: babysitting, car washing, grocery shopping, anything I could do to get money so I could dress better, get a bike, try and fit in. By the time I reached high school I knew I needed more. I needed to take control of my life so I took on as much work as I could get, studied like mad and started to plan my exit route. I moved out the day I turned sixteen and became a live-in maid at Mrs Stanmeyer’s.’
‘At sixteen? Was that even legal?’
Maddison nodded. ‘She hated that I insisted on working. She would have let me have a room for free, helped me out with money for much less work, but I refused any sign of charity—I’d been the town’s trash for long enough. I wanted to earn every cent, make sure everyone knew I wasn’t like my mother. I loved living there. I had the room over the garage. It was the first time I’d felt safe in a really long time.’ There was a wealth of untold detail in that last statement and Kit curled his hands into fists, hating how it was too late to make any of it all right.
‘I just wanted to fit in,’ she almost whispered. ‘I wanted to be one of the cool kids, the ones who were so secure they knew exactly who they were and what they deserved.’
‘That’s understandable.’
‘It was no use trying with the girls, my social status was too low. So I targeted the boys. Targeted one boy. It was almost too easy. I could afford to dress better, get my hair cut and I knew boys liked to look at me. The next step was finding out what else he liked and making sure I liked it too, that we met at the same movies, in the same comic-book store, that we always had something to talk about. No one could believe it, Jim Squires, captain of the football team, and Maddison Carter. But when he held my hand in the hallway or I wore his varsity jacket I knew I belonged. At last. I was safe.
‘That’s when I knew what I wanted. I wanted to leave this Maddison behind and become someone else, the kind of girl who expected to walk down a hallway holding
the hottest boy in school’s hand, the kind of girl that took dates and friends and proms and an allowance for granted. The kind of girl who had never worked one job, let alone three, who had never set foot inside a trailer. And so when I left here I made it up, invented the life I wished I had. I think at times I even believed my own lies, I’ve been living them so long. I’m pathetic.’
‘Pathetic?’ Kit stared at her, incredulous. Was that really what she thought? What she believed? ‘You had nothing and you didn’t let it stop you. You worked your socks off to achieve your dream. I admire you, Maddison. You’re the strongest, bravest person I know. You are absolutely incredible.’
* * *
The words reverberated round and round her head, his eyes shining with sincerity and truth. Maddison wanted to believe him but she couldn’t, not yet. She pulled away, driving away from the school, away from her memories, away from his words.
Maddison didn’t stop until she reached the car park by her favourite beach. She parked haphazardly and jumped out, the sun’s warmth a shock after the air-conditioned car. Kit stepped warily out of the car but she didn’t acknowledge him, instead turning and walking across the car park, along the boardwalk and past the clam shack until she reached the beach. The smell of fried clams hit her, mingled with the salt in the sea air. The scent of a dozen beach parties.
Despite the heat of the day it was quiet, just a few pre-school families about—the schools not due to break up for another couple of weeks. Maddison pulled her shoes off and walked, barefoot, through the foot of the dunes, wincing as her feet struck the heated sand. Kit matched her step for step, not saying a word, allowing her to set the pace.
‘I had this fantasy that my dad was one of the summer-home owners. That his parents hadn’t let him acknowledge me but that one day he would stride into school and scoop me up and take me away to live that gilded life. They’d come to town, the summer kids, with their platinum credit cards and their boats and their country-club memberships, and I wanted to be one of them so much it actually hurt, right here.’ She tapped her chest.
‘Once I got to high school I knew that my daddy wasn’t coming for me, that he probably didn’t even know I existed. But I still wanted that life. When I moved to New York it was with one goal: to find the right man who could give me the right kind of life and marry him.’
Kit nodded. ‘All you wanted was a family. You told me that almost straight away. Four children who would have the most perfect childhood ever. I don’t think that’s such a terrible crime, Maddison. If you wanted to marry for status or jewels or a platinum credit card of your own, then that would be understandable, considering what you’ve been through, but you didn’t. You wanted a family. A family you could keep safe.’
‘And then I started to spend time with you.’ She stopped and swallowed, trying to find the right words. ‘It had all gone wrong. I thought I knew exactly what I was doing, had found the right guy, but Bart derailed all my plans and knocked my confidence. I arrived in the UK knowing I had to start all over again. When you suggested I spend my weekends doing the treasure trails with you I agreed mainly because I thought it might make Bart jealous, but soon it was more. A lot more. I liked your company. I liked you. And I thought, why not? I was only in the UK for a short while, why not have some fun? Deviate from the grand plan just for a while. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you.’
Her words hung there as she kept walking, afraid that if she stopped or turned back then he would walk away. Would leave her. ‘But I did. I did fall in love with you. Me, Maddison Carter with my plans and my dreams and my whole love is for losers mindset. Guess I wasn’t as good at the game as I thought, huh? The ironic thing was that if you had been anyone else it would have been fine, but how could I tell you the truth when you were so adamant that love wasn’t for you? How could I open up when you have the kind of background I’ve been searching for? What could I say? “Please, Kit, I used to want to marry someone rich and important but that’s not why I’ve fallen for you.” I wish you weren’t. I wish you didn’t have any of it. I don’t want you to think I played you. Because when I was with you I wasn’t playing at all.’
She hadn’t planned on telling him any of this, but once the words had spilled out she realized that she was free. Free of her past, her secrets, her schemes, her plans. She had no idea what happened next but that was okay. And if Kit turned, left and she never saw him again, then that was okay as well because she had given it her best shot. A real shot, not a fake, perfectly thought-out, planned response.
She’d given him her heart.
Maddison turned, drinking him in. The faint sea breeze ruffled his hair as he stood at the foot of the sand dunes, his eyes fixed on the endless ocean. ‘Why did you come here, Kit?’
‘To find you,’ he said simply. ‘I left Scotland full of plans and the one person I wanted to share them with wasn’t there, had just disappeared. I didn’t think you were a quitter, Maddison, in fact I knew you weren’t, so for you to just up and disappear? Whatever was going on it seemed to me you needed my help. I wanted to help.’
He passed a hand through his hair, rumpling it into an even more disordered state. ‘I was a mess that morning in Scotland. Everything had changed in twenty-four hours. Thanks to you I could confront my feelings about Euan, admit it wasn’t just guilt I felt but anger—anger at him for dying, for competing, for not fighting hard enough that night. Anger at myself for pushing him. For holding on to my bitterness when I had long since fallen out of love with Eleanor. Thanks to you I really spoke to my dad, about that night, about the future.’
‘Sounds intense.’
‘Oh, it was quite the fishing session. And then there was you. In my bed. Making me feel things I still wasn’t ready to face—that I had been in no way the kind of man that deserved a girl like you. It seemed easier to just let you go but as soon as you were gone I realized I wanted to fix everything, fix me, make myself worthy of you.’
He stepped close and took her hand. ‘I missed you, Maddison. I missed you planning every little detail, I missed you searching out every clue, I missed you finishing my crossword, I even missed that damn list. I missed the way you challenge me.’ His eyes dropped to her mouth. ‘You only spent two nights in my bed but I haven’t slept right since. My dreams are full of you, Maddison Carter.’
‘I had to come back here,’ Maddison said, needing him to understand. ‘I needed to face who I was, who I am now. But all I see is that if you’re not with me then my life is empty, even with all the security in the world. You flew across the world for me.’ Her mouth wobbled. ‘I don’t deserve that.’
Kit raised one of her hands to his lips and her heart leapt at the old-fashioned gesture. ‘You do. You deserve it all. All the security your heart desires.’ He smiled down at her. ‘Four children, the house, anything you need.’
‘Your family needs you, Kit. Your father needs you even if he won’t say so.’
‘I know and I have obligations in Kilcanon that I’ve ignored for long enough. I hope you would be happy to spend some of the year there, but we wouldn’t have to live in Scotland all the time. We could have a place in London or a house here on the Cape, whatever you wanted.’ His mouth twisted into a smile. ‘Fourth of July, clambakes, hayrides, Thanksgiving—I’m willing to give it all a try.’
The last clamp finally loosened from her heart. ‘I think as long as we’re together I have everything I need.’
‘So you’re saying yes?’
‘To what?’ But she knew; it was in the blazing blue of his eyes, the curve of his mouth, the heat in his hands.
‘To me, to us, to forever.’
Maddison finally allowed herself to reach up, to pull his head down to hers, to press her mouth to his. It was like coming home at long, long last. ‘Yes,’ she breathed against the warmth of his lips. ‘I’m saying yes. To forever.’
EPILOGUE
One year later
KIT SHIFTED FROM foot to foot, anxiously scanning the rows of chairs, looking beyond the seated people to the sun-filled horizon beyond. Where is she? He took a deep breath. He should be calmer; after all, they were actually already married. Maddison had been very keen to marry him in his kilt but had reluctantly conceded that the Cape Cod beach in summer wasn’t the most appropriate place for thickly woven wool and a formal tux—and Kit hadn’t wanted to wait a full year before claiming his bride. The answer was a happy compromise—two weddings. A small, private spring service in Kilcanon church and now, two months later, a blessing and party on the Cape.
He scanned the rows of people, all decked out in their summer best: his parents and Bridget were in the front row, looking relaxed and happy after a couple of weeks of sun and playing tourist. His father seemed years younger—handing some of the business responsibilities over to Kit had obviously relieved him of a great burden. They still clashed—they wouldn’t be Buchanans if they didn’t—but his father grudgingly admitted that some of Kit’s ideas weren’t too crazy and had thrown himself into setting up the new distillery with enthusiasm. Bridget had finished university this month and had asked Kit if there was a place for her on the family estate, an offer he had accepted straight away. Bridget’s presence would make it easier for Maddison and him to spend the summers and long vacations here on the Cape, just as he had promised her they would.
Next to the Buchanans sat a beaming Mrs Stanmeyer clutching a hanky just in case—she had cried throughout the first wedding and had declared her intention to do exactly the same this time round. Further back Kit noticed Hope, his old assistant, clutching the hand of a handsome dark-haired man, a soft smile on her face.
In the back row a beautiful woman in her early forties sat tensely on the aisle seat, her hands locked, her face set. Maddison still didn’t have an easy relationship with her mother, their interactions were very formal and stilted, but they were both trying. But he knew that Maddison adored being a big sister, having blood kin of her own. And, stilted or not, Maddison had hosted Thanksgiving in the house they had bought on the Cape with her family, old and new, around her.
In the Boss's Castle Page 16