by Jo Raven
He says it calmly, lightly even, but I don’t buy it. Too much about this guy doesn’t quite add up, and even though I really like him and owe him big time for everything he’s done for me, even though I’m damn attracted to him and care for him on so many levels that I can’t even get jealous that he got to fuck Sydney last night… I have to find out the truth.
“If there’s any danger…”
“Look, forget about that, West. I want to ask you about your grandfather.”
Now he’s got my full attention, and I’m also done. “You’ve asked me before. Not interested.”
“Fuck you, West. Just tell me what happened that night. I need to know.”
“No, you don’t.” I roll off the bed and hunt for my briefs. “He died. He’s dead. They’re all dead. End of story.”
Yeah, not touching that one with a ten-foot pole. I’ve managed not to think about it since that hellish night of death and revelations. Not gonna start thinking now.
Kash bends his knees and rests his hands on top of them. Jeez, he looks sixteen, seventeen tops like that. How can this guy be over twenty? “Goddammit, West…”
Why is he poking into this? Can he feel the despair rolling off me, the realization I never meant anything to anyone, not even my own mother, that my past is erased and I’m drifting like a fucking ghost ship, with no destination?
“When you’re done mooning us, West…” Nate is propped up on his elbows, blinking sleepy eyes.
I growl. “We spent the night naked together, jacked off on Sydney’s tits while Kash fucked her, and you’re worried about my ass?”
“I wasn’t worried,” Nate mutters, scratching at his chest and… wait, is he checking me out?
I drag my briefs up, my dick at half-mast.
“Hey, I’m here,” Sydney mumbles, sitting up, folding her arms over her breasts. “Stop talking about me as if I’m not. It’s my tits you jizzed on.”
“Woman. Watch your language.”
She snickers. The sound, the easy banter, her smile, they allow my chest to expand, my lungs to draw in air.
“You okay, girl?” Kash puts an arm around her. “I didn’t fuck up last night? Are you sore?”
She leans into him, smiling. “I’m good. I thought it’d hurt more.”
“That’s because his pecker isn’t big enough,” Nate mutters, and my mouth twitches. “It’s good you started out small.”
Kash ignores him. He strokes Sydney’s hair. “Did you like it?”
“Yes.” She blushes. “Didn’t you notice?”
Kash chuckles, and Nate grumbles something and tugs Sydney toward him.
“That was just an appetizer,” he tells her. “Wait until you taste the real thing.”
“Are we talking about a blowjob?” Kash appears pensive. “Cuz we’ve already done that.”
“Show-off. Shut up for a minute, will you?”
Kash snickers.
It’s nice to see them like this. To see Nate so calm, so relaxed with Sydney and Kash. I guess it’s easy to joke around, easy to touch when we’re all crammed on Nate’s double bed, bodies pressed together, warm and sweaty and easy.
Except I’m standing apart, scratching dried cum from my chest and unsure about joining in, unsure about what I’m doing here. Last night seems like a distant dream, and Kash’s questions are thorns under my skin, inside my head, festering, tearing my thoughts apart.
I need to get out of here while he’s busy fussing over Syd. I always thought her first time would be with me, then I thought it’d be Nate, but life happens, and I can’t be mad at Kash. He did scare the hell out of me last night, and for some reason, I can’t be jealous of him.
Probably because I never expected to be part of the deal, to find myself in this bed with them. I’m the broken wheel, the faulty part. No matter how much I want to stick around, ask Sydney in my turn how she is and hold her in my arms… this was a one-time thing.
Casting them one last long glance, I turn to go. I almost make it to the door, before Sydney calls out my name.
“Wait. West. Don’t go yet.” She slides off the bed, her full, bare tits swaying, and I can’t help but stare as she hurries over to me. Then she throws her arms around me. “West.”
I hug her back, terrified with how fucking relieved I am to feel her pressed to me, her arms around my waist, her breath on my skin.
“Are you upset?” she whispers. “With what we did last night, with all this… making out and sleeping together?”
“No, I just… I dunno, Syd.” What it means, and why the thought of it not happening again scares me. Why I want it so much, with her, with the others, too. “I have to go.”
“You’re running away,” Nate says. He’s scowling at me. “Is it because Kash asked you about your granddad?”
So we’re back to that.
“Just not in the mood. I have to get ready for work.” I pull back from her hold. “Syd, you too.”
“It’s barely light outside. We have time.”
No way. I’m not doing this. Not talking about last night, or my family.
I shake my head. “I’m going.”
“West.” She tugs on my arm. “I love you.”
After a few tries, I got a job bussing tables in a diner, but my head isn’t in any of it. I used to be an exemplary student once upon a time, and now I can’t even remember which tables I’m serving.
Not since Della and then that… that guy that I thought of as Grandpa died. When they both died and left me alone, and confused, and not sure if to mourn them or the lies they told me.
At this rate, I’ll probably lose my job, and I don’t care. I should, I should fucking well care, but I can’t. The moment my shift is over, I grab my stuff and get out of Dodge. Thank God I’m not picking Sydney up from her work. It’s Nate’s turn to walk her home today, anyway.
And I don’t want to talk right now. About last night, my fucked-up, dead family or…
“I love you.”
Goddammit. At least before I thought I knew how things stood, where I stood, no matter how fucking depressing that was. But if she loves me, if she means it… Then everything changes. I got a fighting chance.
Whatever that means, since I don’t wanna fight the others, don’t wanna change a thing, only… have more. More of what we have.
Jesus, this is nuts. It’s fucking with my mind.
But I’d rather get all twisted up about this than remember the past weeks, and all that’s happened. The reason I’m shacking up with Syd and the guys in the first place.
“I wanted to ask you about your grandfather.”
Christ.
I’m done. Totally fucking done with the past and everything that used to be my life. I’m not who I thought I was. Nothing was as I thought. It was all a damn lie, and it took death to bring the truth to the light.
Strangely, thinking I knew neither of my parents was okay with me. I thought I had a sister, and a grandfather. That defined me. It made me who I was.
Not anymore. I’ve no idea who I am, or where I’m going.
It’s really late when Kash comes back. I hear the apartment door click open, then the click of his keys in the bowl and the snick of the lock closing again. His steps thud softly on the floor as he approaches me.
I’m lying on the sofa, an arm thrown over my eyes to shield them from the lamp we always leave on for when Kash returns at night.
“I know you’re awake.” He says it matter-of-factly, in that quiet, deep voice of his. “Move over, you’re taking up the whole sofa.”
I lift my arm to glower at him. “I’m a big guy.”
He smirks. “I know.” His pale hair is a curtain over his face. He pushes it back impatiently, his gray eyes fixed on my face. “We need to talk.”
Yeah, I should have expected it. I did expect it. Thought he wouldn’t let me off the hook for long. Stick his nose into my bloody past.
Who told him about this? Because it sure as hell wasn’t me.
&
nbsp; What is unexpected is the touch of his hand on my bare chest, gentle, light. He has long fingers, like a violinist or something, and he trails them over my ribs, over my pec.
Should it feel weird? It feels good.
I catch his hand, keep it pressed there, over my heart. “We have talked. Time to sleep. You look beat.”
“Don’t change the topic.”
“We never had a topic, dude.”
He’s gazing down, at my hand covering his. “Your grandfather, West. Let’s get this over with.”
“Let’s not.” I shove his hand off me. “I’m going to sleep. I suggest you do the same.”
“You suggest…?” His face twists in what I realize is anger. He’s suddenly on top of me, pushing me into the cushions, straddling me, his hands pressed on either side of my face, his face in my face, gray eyes glittering dangerously. “Fuck you, man. Fuck you. I overheard an exchange I wasn’t supposed to hear, between your sister and someone I’m guessing was your grandfather, and I wanted… I wanted…”
He runs out of steam, and I realize I’m gripping at his shoulders—trying to shove him off? Pull him closer? I’m not sure, except for the fact he’s damn heavier than he looks. Fucker’s not skinny anymore but packed with dense muscle, and boy, does he look pissed.
And he seems to be struggling with something.
“What is it?” I ask, more gently than I thought possible. I hate this conversation, and I can’t lie to save my life, so if he knows the truth… But he seems to be struggling with more than that.
“God, I shouldn’t even be here,” he breathes, looking down at me, and dark enters his icy-gray eyes. He scrambles off me, as if he just realized where he’s been sitting. “I should’ve left long ago.”
“What? You can’t.” When did this night take such a turn? “You can’t leave, Kash.”
“I stayed. I wasn’t supposed to, but I stayed for you, the three of you, and you won’t even... Shit. Tell me, man. Was that guy really your granddad?”
I grab onto his corded arms, keeping him there. Dammit, I have cold sweat running down my face. “Kash, please.”
“Here’s an idea,” another voice says, startling me, and it’s Nate, ambling toward us. “How about we talk about you, Kash? About how you’re not twenty-two but nineteen? How you’re running from someone and not telling us who? Who the hell are you?”
Sydney follows him out of his room, rubbing at her eyes. She stops beside Nate, who wraps an arm around her waist, and blinks owlishly at us. “Oh boy. You guys look hot like that.”
And she comes to join us on the sofa, pulling Nate behind her.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Nate
Not sure what got into me. Hell, I wanna know what Kash overheard and what’s up with West’s granddad, but walking in and finding them entwined like that…
It reminds me of West kissing me, it makes me want and crave and burn. It makes me wanna be part of it, like last night, try again even when I know I’ll run screaming the moment one of them makes a move on me and touches me first.
So I stand there like a fucking voyeur, remembering how West’s bare chest gleamed in the low light, powerful and damn hot, how his lips were parted, ready for the taking. How Kash looked sitting on top of him, muscular arms caging West in, and that angelic blond hair a halo just like the first time I ever saw him.
They look hot, like they’re about to kiss and fuck, and it shouldn’t turn me on, but hell, it does. So fucking much. Even though I prefer girls.
Even though I’m in love with Sydney.
I want her so bad it’s killing me. I want her between us, with us, keeping us together. It’s a crazy thing to want and hope for, but I just know one thing: last night was damn hot—and for the first time in years I slept through the night.
We all did, curled uncomfortably on my bed. We shouldn’t have been able to sleep a wink, with legs all tangled up, arms touching, bodies pressed together, Syd’s hair all over the place.
So what gives?
I’m still staring when Sydney slips from my hold, takes my hand and drags me toward the sofa, toward West and Kash, and it’s as if a weight is lifted off me.
“Make space for us, boys,” she says, all bossy-like, and I grin a little. She’s this small redheaded bundle of energy and raw sexiness, a force to reckon with.
I fucking love it.
Her. I love her. I’ve known it from the start, and still the knowledge hits me like a ton of bricks.
Kash climbs off West and drags his hand through his hair as Sydney tugs me to sit between the two of them.
“We need a bigger bed,” she mutters, “or at least a mattress on the floor, so we can’t fall off in the night.”
She’s already making plans involving us all, and I chuckle to myself. I’m seated next to Kash and he shoots me a wry grin.
“Like a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous,” he mutters.
“Is it? I wouldn’t know. More like Sydney’s Boys Club.”
West snickers.
Sydney puts her arms around us, kneeling on the couch where we’re all sprawled, long legs stretched out. “Oh shush. So did you want to talk or pick up where you guys left off?”
“We hadn’t even started,” West rumbles, and he makes it sound like they were getting it on.
Which shouldn’t make me hard—or harder—but it fucking does.
“I wanted to punch his face in,” Kash mutters from beside me, and I flinch when he puts his arm around me, too, his hair kitten-fur soft against my neck. “I’m just goddamn worried about him, and he won’t give me an inch.”
I swallow a joke about inches and turn my head to look at him. “You okay?”
“I’m tired,” he confesses. “But this is good.”
It is. Whatever this is. Sandwiched between Sydney and Kash, I should be freaking out, but I’m not. Liquid heat is flowing through my veins, want and calm fighting for domination, and I need both.
“Okay?” she whispers. Her heat is seeping into me where her soft tits are pressed to my side, where her thigh is aligned with mine.
“Yeah.” Kash’s breath is on my neck and I find myself lifting my hand to brush his hair off his forehead. “I want…”
“What?”
He laughs softly. “I don’t know.” He lifts those quicksilver eyes, looks past me, and groans. “That. I want that.”
I turn to find West kissing Sydney, his hand in her hair, one hand under her blouse.
Hell.
“Yeah, that… looks good.” I shift on the sofa, uncomfortably hard. I want to kiss her, too, run my hands all over her, but I’m not sure I’m there yet, and… I’m reluctant to let go of Kash.
“What do you want?” he breathes.
I turn and my lips brush over the fine stubble of his cheek. “All of it.”
He hums, his mouth tipping up in a crooked smile. “You sure?”
“Oh God,” Sydney whispers and moans. She’s turned toward me now, her hand sifting through my hair. “Kiss for me?”
A bolt of lust shoots straight to my balls. Because discovering an attraction to Kash and West is one thing, but knowing it turns her on?
Fucking hot.
Still I hesitate, until his face lifts and our mouths meet. I start to say something but stop. His lips are soft, his breaths are warm and smell of mint, and then I’m kissing him.
So different from kissing Syd, or West. It’s quiet and intense, teeth scraping over lips, tongues tangling, that damn taste of mint and spice, and his arm slung over my shoulders. He’s not shy, though. Just exploring, his tongue sweeping against mine boldly, getting me diamond-hard.
Fuck.
Sydney’s hand slides down my neck, and then her mouth joins ours, tongue darting out to taste us, soft lips brushing over my jaw. So good. My dick throbs, so swollen it fucking hurts.
I need relief. I lift my arm from around her to stroke my hard-on through my briefs, and her hand is instantly over mine, massaging and caressing.<
br />
Kash draws back, pupils dilated, and he mimics my move, reaching down for the hard-on tenting his pants. He licks his reddened lips. “Christ.”
I turn to Syd and claim her mouth. Like this, yes, with me initiating the actions. It calms the beast of fear living inside me. I grunt, letting go of Kash so I can pull her closer, taste West on her tongue.
This is insane. I need her, need more, closer.
But when she climbs on my lap, puts her small hands on my face, I freeze. An ice-cold current snakes down my spine, making me shudder and pull away.
Shit. Shitshitshit. Goddamn trigger.
We break apart, panting. Her eyes fill with sadness, before she climbs off me and all but falls against West who wraps his arms around her.
Jesus.
Fuck my life.
I’m shaking, my breaths coming in shallow pants. Panic closes in on me. My heart is hammering fit to burst through my chest.
“Nate…” Syd’s voice is choked.
“It’s not… getting better,” I manage, despair opening black maws, swallowing me. “Fuck this shit.”
“Fight it,” West says, fierce. “We’re here, Nate. With you.”
As if it’s that easy. But I try—for them. For me. I close my eyes and force myself to take a deep breath. I’m in control. I can do this. I won’t let myself fall apart over this shit from my past anymore.
What was that tip I read about getting out of the panic attack mind rut?
Picture your happy, safe place.
And my happy, safe place is right here, with these people.
So I reach out and find Syd’s slender fingers. She wraps them around mine, and West’s big hand closes gently around my forearm. Then I reach the other way and Kash takes my other hand, carefully, his palm rough and warm.
The roaring in my ears grows fainter as I take another deep breath.
“You’re with us, man,” West is saying. “You’re okay.”
“We got your back,” Kash says in his quiet, resonant voice.
Sydney squeezes my hand. “I love you, Nate.”
I open my eyes, my breath catching for a different reason. “Syd…”