by Blake, Leta
He dropped to his knees beside Zach immediately, reaching out to him. “Zach, no. No, no, no. I didn’t…no.”
Zach held his hand against his chin, and his face was twisted with pain. But the worst was the expression in his eyes: fear. Leith crept back until he was pressed against the wall. He closed his eyes and waited. Nurses streamed in, and there was a great deal of animated talking and shuffling around. He couldn’t look at Zach. He couldn’t look at anyone.
“He’s got quite a swing, doesn’t he?” Arthur said.
Zach made a quiet, hurt sound, and Leith squeezed his eyes even tighter.
“Come on, Mr. Stephens,” a nurse said. “Let’s get some ice for that.”
More footsteps came and went, and Leith covered his ears and pressed his eyes against his knees, trying to block out the world. Muffled though it was to his plugged up ears, the next voice he heard wasn’t unexpected.
Calm as ever, Dr. Thakur said, “I’ll handle this now, Mr. Wenz. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine. Why don’t you and Mr. Stephens leave the room now? I think your brother could use some space to breathe.”
When Dr. Thakur knelt beside him, Leith opened his eyes. He saw Zach and Arthur being pressed through the doorway by a nurse. Both looked over their shoulders at him. Zach held an ice pack on his chin, and his eyes were greener and brighter than Leith had ever seen.
“We need to get you examined, Mr. Stephens,” the nurse was saying.
Zach, supported on Arthur’s arm, turned his back on Leith and left the room.
Dr. Thakur dismissed the other nurse and the security team. “He’s not a danger. He calmed himself as soon as he realized what he’d done.”
Leith covered his face with his hands. He breathed in and out, waiting like he’d learned to wait in prison, and tried to stop his body’s shaking.
“Well, Leith, what do you make of this situation?” Dr. Thakur asked when they were alone.
Leith whispered, “I don’t think I’m ready to go home.”
“No, it looks as though you’re not.”
Dr. Thakur put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, and Leith bowed his head to cry.
Leith was drowning, fighting against a swift current, and he was never going to get his head above water. As soon as he could gulp a breath, he’d go under again, fighting hard to keep himself from throwing things, or punching the wall.
Zach, I’m so sorry.
His texts went unanswered.
In art therapy, he pounded the clay with all his strength, never bothering to attempt to mold anything out of it—just hammering it with his fists until the table shook, and the other patients stared at him with wide eyes. The counselor said nothing; she simply watched him with a bland expression that made Leith pound the clay even harder.
Please answer the phone, Zach. I don’t know how else to reach you.
In between his regular therapy appointments, Leith haunted the hospital gym, running on the treadmill until he was blind with exhaustion. It still wasn’t good enough. He nearly punched the blond trainer who tried to joke that Leith was in the gym so much now he should just set up camp by the treadmill. He’d had to close his eyes and throw some air punches while running just to get the urge under control. The trainer had the good sense to look nervous, and he hadn’t spoken to Leith since.
I called Blue Flight. They said you weren’t there, but I heard you in the background. Please call. I need to talk to you.
Dr. Thakur sat through two days of complete silence while Leith paced his office, and on the third day, he watched calmly as Leith trashed a bookshelf, yelling and throwing the books against the opposite wall. When Leith banged his fists against the wall for good measure before sliding down to the floor in a shaking heap, Dr. Thakur stood up from behind his desk and sat down next to him, saying nothing.
Zach, please call me.
In group therapy he listened to David Mueller suffer, again, through the realization that he couldn’t make any new memories, and he sat through Jan Troxell reporting on the weather, again, and when it was his turn he stared at them all for a long time, feeling the words and rage welling inside.
He took some deep breaths, trying to hold it back, and he started out calmly enough. “What fucking good does any of this shit do me?”
He stood up then, his anger mounting. He said, pointing at Jan, “Her bullshit about the weather, and his endless moaning about his fucking memories, and no—don’t tell me to stop, because he won’t fucking remember that I’ve said this tomorrow, so what does it fucking matter?”
His hands were shaking. “How does this help me at all?” he yelled. “I’ve got a dead father, a mother who killed herself, and I’m missing three years of my fucking life. I’m in love with someone and I don’t understand why! And my whore brother is fucking a girl who just stopped being a kid two years ago or some shit like that, and our dirty laundry is everyone’s business! I don’t want to box, but I want to box, and I hate that I don’t remember almost winning, and I hate that I’m here, and I hate you for your stupid face, and I hate them for never getting better, and I hate all of this! All of it! Do you understand?”
The unruffled counselor regarded him evenly. “Thank you, Leith. I’m glad you shared that with us.”
He turned around and punched the wall.
Zach, I don’t blame you if you think I’m insane.
The guilt made Leith feel physically ill. Whenever he remembered the sound of his fist connecting with Zach’s face, he nearly doubled over. Leith didn’t know what to do. He needed to make it right. He was going to go insane if he didn’t see Zach again, if only to tell him that he understood if Zach no longer wanted to be friends with a mad man. It wasn’t as if Leith could blame him.
I understand if you can’t talk to me right now, but just let me know that you’re okay.
The texts still went unanswered. Leith typed in a final message, but he never pressed send. He kept it under drafts and looked at it several times a day, fingering the send button before turning his phone off and going to work out again. Even if he couldn’t send the message, it somehow made Leith feel better just to see the words.
Zach, I don’t understand it, but I think I’m in love with you.
Stepping out into the garden, the heat was oppressive, and Leith stared up at a sky so bright it was almost white. He sat on his favorite bench where he often met with Dr. Thakur, shaded by the oak tree’s branches. He picked at a loose thread on the seam of his jeans.
Burying his face in his hands, he remembered Zach’s messed up hair when he’d spent the night, and the way Zach had smiled when Leith confessed his manly love of musicals, and the way Zach’s hands moved when he talked like birds in flight, and how much Leith wanted to grab them and kiss them. Without Zach, he was floating away into despair and rage.
He didn’t know how long he sat there. It was long enough for the sun to have poured heat into his bones, leaving him feeling exhausted and drowsy—so that at first he thought it was a dream.
“Hey.”
Leith looked up slowly. It wasn’t possible. Was it? He gripped the edge of the bench harder, and it felt very real. He stared at Zach standing there in the hospital garden. Zach’s green T-shirt made his eyes seem even prettier, and his legs looked long and lean in dark jeans. A bruise still colored his chin, and Leith felt sick.
It wasn’t a dream, and he didn’t know what to say. “Zach,” Leith began, and he lifted his hands and let them fall again. “I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I should have known not to get in the way of a fist like that.”
Leith shook his head and kept his eyes averted, a lump forming in his throat and his eyes stinging. “Don’t,” he said. “Don’t make it sound like that. It was me. I…ever since this accident, I just lose control. I’m not safe, I guess. Not safe to be around.”
Zach knelt in front of him, sitting on his heels. “That’s not true. You’re going through a lot right now. You’re scared,
and you’re trying to protect yourself.”
Leith shook his head. “Please stop. I don’t want to hear that.”
“It’s the truth, Leith.”
“It’s not!” Leith shrank back from Zach, frightened by his own outburst. He conceded, “Well, it’s true, but it doesn’t make it okay.” He closed his eyes.
“Leith,” Zach took his hand and squeezed it. “Please don’t hide away from me.”
Leith couldn’t believe it. He opened his eyes and resisted the urge to jerk his hand away from Zach’s grasp. “What about you? You didn’t come back. You didn’t take my calls or return my texts.”
Zach took a slow breath and let it out. “I know. I’m sorry. I was scared too.”
Leith’s throat was so tight, fighting back tears, that he could barely say, “I’m sorry.” His chest ached with a pain so intense he thought he might die from it.
“No, no—not of you, Leith. Well…yes, I was scared of you, but not for the reason you think.”
Leith stared at him. “Why then?”
“It’s a secret, but I’ll tell you if you promise to keep it to yourself, and you won’t tell another soul?”
Leith nodded, his eyes locked onto Zach’s. He wanted to do anything, any tiny thing to put this right.
“Sometimes I think if you really knew me, then you wouldn’t like me anymore.”
“Nothing would make me stop liking you.”
Zach’s eyes held his for a long moment. “I want to believe that.”
“I don’t know you. I don’t even know why we’re friends, and I still like you. I like you…” Leith swallowed hard and exhaled a shaky breath, searching for the right word. “Desperately.”
Zach’s eyes glowed.
Leith wanted to backtrack, erase and rewind, but instead he said, “I really need you around.”
“Leith, I can be around for as long as you want.” Zach reached up to Leith’s face and stroked into his hair.
Leith’s eyes fell to Zach’s mouth, and when he flicked his gaze back to Zach’s eyes, he was breathless to find an answering tenderness there. When Zach rose up on his knees and gently kissed him, Leith felt himself loosen and unwind, awash with relief unlike any he’d known before. He kissed Zach back, amazed at Zach’s lips, softer then the rose petals he’d held, and the strange scrape of stubble was shockingly tantalizing.
“Oh,” Leith breathed against Zach’s mouth.
“Shh,” Zach said, and kissed him again.
Leith knotted his hands in Zach’s shirt, dragging him closer between his legs, wanting more of his scent, and taste, and touch. Zach didn’t resist, and Leith nearly cried in relief when Zach’s hands tangled in his hair, pulling Leith even deeper into the kiss.
Leith gave himself up to the astonishing fact that although he was kissing a man, and his cock ached, hard and straining against his jeans, and though the air around him fairly hummed with his lust, he wasn’t freaking out. Not even a little, and for the first time since he’d woken up in the hospital he felt completely at peace, like he was a river that had rushed home to the ocean, and found itself calm and still.
The next few minutes were a blur. Zach’s hard shoulders felt right under his hands, and Zach’s strong neck so good against his lips. He shivered at the scratch of barely there stubble against his tongue. They were strange sensations, entirely different from the bodies Leith was used to, and yet alive and vibrant, nearly quivering with life under his touch.
Leith ran his hands down Zach’s arms, sturdy and well-built, muscled and beautiful, and he grabbed Zach’s hands, moving one to the aching hardness where his cock pressed against his jeans.
Zach made a noise against Leith’s mouth, and for a solitary second, Leith nearly woke from the lustful, deep trance he’d fallen into with a stab of worry that this was not what his friend wanted. But before he could speak, Zach’s fingers outlined Leith’s cock, massaging the head and rubbing along the length. Leith spread his legs wider and dragged Zach closer still, Zach’s mouth soft and wet, and eager against his own.
The friction along his cock was not nearly enough, and Leith pulled away from the kiss long enough to look into Zach’s eyes, the brilliant green-blue nearly swallowed by lust-enlarged pupils. Leith whispered, “Zach…”
Zach took a deep breath, and his eyelashes fluttered as he seemed to try to calm himself. All the while his hand moved steadily over the denim covering Leith’s cock. Zach glanced over his shoulder for a moment, and Leith remembered that an outside world existed and that they were in it.
He tore his gaze away from Zach’s face, and his eyes traced over the patches of light and the red, orange, and pink roses; the thick of the shrub hiding them, and the oak tree that blocked the view the other direction. It wasn’t entirely private, but he didn’t care.
When he imagined stopping now, his cock throbbed and his heart pounded, and the depths of calm that seemed to fill him up threatened to ebb away. He couldn’t let Zach move away from him now. He couldn’t stop touching Zach’s skin, or kissing his mouth, because there was no way he could handle going back to missing something—missing a piece of his puzzle. Missing this.
Zach’s gentle eyes on his face seemed to track his thoughts, and he moved to unbutton Leith’s jeans. His hand on Leith’s cock was big and warm, and Leith shakily put his own over Zach’s, feeling the tendons move as they jerked Leith’s cock together. Disconnected thoughts flooded Leith’s mind.
His hand is so big. His mouth is hot. How is this so good? I need this. So much. He’s amazing.
And then, like a ribbon tying him to something he couldn’t remember, he knew they’d done this before. He grabbed Zach’s head, pulling him into another kiss, whimpering against Zach’s mouth as his hips lifted with small thrusts, pushing his cock into Zach’s fist.
He rocked and gasped, and Zach broke free just as Leith clenched, feeling the intense grip of an intense orgasm begin. Zach ducked his head down, and his mouth was hot, hot, hot around the head of Leith’s cock.
Leith hunched over him protectively, resting his forehead against the back of Zach’s head. He grunted as Zach sucked, and shuddered hard as he came in a blinding rush, shaking and spurting into Zach’s mouth. Zach swallowed before pulling off and carefully tucking Leith’s cock back into his jeans.
The tenderness Leith felt for Zach could have brought tears to his eyes, but he pulled Zach up for another kiss, his own come tasting bitter and strange in Zach’s mouth. Leith was filled with an emotion both new and all encompassing, spreading over him and leaving him exposed.
Zach’s expression reflected an emotion even more delicate than his own, and Leith wanted to say something to make him smile, or make him understand, but he didn’t know how to express it. Instead he found himself whispering, “Why didn’t you tell me? I’ve been so unhappy.”
Zach shook his head and brought his forehead to Leith’s. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want that. I didn’t know what to do.”
Then he dropped his face to Leith’s shoulder and broke into soft tears. Leith didn’t know what to do, so he went with his instinct and wrapped Zach in his arms, soothing him quietly in the oak’s shade.
“Are you sure they don’t mind if I stay all night?”
Leith waved his hand. “Of course not.” He eyed the narrow bed, trying to breathe evenly. “They were fine with it last time, remember?”
He pulled back the covers and climbed in before Zach could raise any other objections about decorum. Besides, they were both in their underwear and there was nothing decorous about their obvious erections. If Zach was worried, he should get in the bed and cover up. He patted the mattress beside him, exhaling in a rush when Zach squeezed in.
“If you’re sure.”
“I’m sure.” Leith didn’t waste time getting Zach back in his arms, pulling Zach on top of him, chest to chest, their legs sliding together. The strength and warmth of Zach filled his senses, and he moved against him, shivering at the brush of leg hair against
his own, the scratch of treasure trail, and the firm grasp of Zach’s fingers where he held Leith’s shoulders.
“Oh God,” Zach murmured, his breath hot against Leith’s cheek. “I’ve needed you so much.”
“Shh, I’m right here.” Leith slid his hand down Zach’s back, gripping his ass and pulling his hips hard against his own, thrusting up so their cocks pressed together. “See? Right here with you.”
Zach moaned, and Leith leaned in to press his lips against the soft skin at the base of Zach’s neck, the skin he’d thought of so often. Heat coiled tight in his gut as Zach’s pulse thudded against his mouth, and he breathed in the sweet, spicy scent of Zach’s skin and hair. Zach trembled against him, and Leith held him closer.
He slid his tongue over the roughness of Zach’s chin, thrilled with the bright catch of stubble—so male, so arousing, and so Zach. Leith roamed his hands eagerly, taking in planes of supple skin, the rough scratch of hair, and taut muscle. He couldn’t get enough. It was so much…so much sexier.
Zach tangled his hands in Leith’s hair, arching his back as soft, urgent noises tore from his throat. “Please touch me,” Zach pleaded, his eyes closed and his hips moving urgently, his cock driving against Leith’s as he squirmed under Leith’s kisses and hands. “Please.”
Leith was already touching him everywhere, and he spent a hazy moment confused by Zach’s need. Then he understood. He rolled Zach over carefully, making sure to keep them both on the bed. “You want me to touch you?”
“God yes,” Zach said. “Please.”
Leith swallowed hard, trailing his hand over Zach’s chest slowly and tweaking each nipple lightly, eliciting a soft bark of pleasure from Zach. He looked down to where Zach’s cock strained against his underwear. Oh God. He hesitated, excitement and uncertainty tangling up in his gut. He’d never…not with another guy. He’d handled his own, but—
“Don’t over think it,” Zach said, touching Leith’s face and bringing his gaze back to meet his own. “Just kiss me.”