by Blake, Leta
Zach laughed a little. “And you told me once about Sweets Swinson. Look where that got you.”
Hell, that’s where.
Leith’s memories of the last illegal fight were vivid. He could still smell the sweat of the men, hear the roar of their voices, and feel that final crunch under his fist as he’d taken the kid down for the win.
He also remembered Sweets, though it wasn’t with the same heart-pounding excitement he felt when he was nineteen. No, now it was a little bit of nausea and a whole lot of anger.
“I was an idiot,” Leith said. “I never should have taken up with Sweets.”
“The dick wants what the dick wants,” Zach said.
Leith huffed. He didn’t find it funny. He didn’t even know if he’d really wanted Sweets that way or if it had been some other kind of sick chemistry between them that had led to Leith always wanting to please the man.
“I remember when I met him,” Leith said. But he didn’t remember when he met Zach. How strange. Unless he counted the day Zach had walked into his hospital room. But Sweets, hell yeah, he remembered meeting Sweets. “I’d been in a fight at school trying to pick up some extra cash to help my dad out. He was gambling again.”
Zach poked at the fire with a stick and cocked his head, listening to Leith with his eyebrows low and sympathetic.
“My dad was always gambling. He’d go straight for a while but then just as soon as it looked like we’d finally get our ass out of whatever financial crack he’d gotten us into, he’d go right back to it. Like me with fighting, I guess.”
“There are some similarities,” Zach agreed, his voice quiet.
“Dad was in a mess again when I met Sweets. And Arthur wouldn’t help out. Joseph’s Teeth was finally up and running, bringing in good cash. He’d even offered for me to come live with him in the city and work there, but he’d said the offer was only good if I promised not to give a dime to Dad.” Leith snorted. “How could I do that? He was my dad.”
Was. It looked like he was getting better at accepting that his dad was really gone.
“He didn’t want your dad to take him and his business down through you, I guess.”
“Right. I mean, I understand it. I do. But back then I didn’t. Okay, the truth is I guess maybe I still don’t.”
“I know.”
“But Sweets wasn’t like that. He was confident and told me he could help me help my dad, which was pretty much exactly what I wanted to hear. The fact that he was charismatic and—yeah, pretty I guess—helped. I wanted to impress him, and he found my fighting damn impressive.”
“MMA stuff, right? Not boxing like now.”
“Right. I always liked good, old-fashioned boxing best, but when Sweets came along he convinced me to use my other fighting skills. It was so easy at first. Underground fights where I’d make a ton of cash. More than I needed—more than Dad needed.”
“But then Sweets got greedy,” Zach said, poking at the fire some more.
“You know this story.”
“Tell me again. I want you to remember telling me. It’s important.”
Leith cleared his throat and tilted his head back to look into the sky, the stars obscured by the light of their fire. “I got greedy too. Sweets told me about a fight in Florida, an illegal round of backyard cage fights. It was four times my usual take.”
“You made it through four bouts.”
“Right. The fifth was when it all went to shit. Everyone was supposed to be at least eighteen, which was pointless in its own way since what we were doing was illegal in Florida period. The fact that my opponent wasn’t actually eighteen ended up being a big deal to me, though, didn’t it?”
“You didn’t know. You trusted them.”
He could still taste the sweat. Hear the cheers, and smell the stench of cheap beer. “I won. But then he started puking blood. It was unreal. Everyone panicked—they just broke and ran. Sweets tried to convince me to leave, too, but I couldn’t just let that kid…I mean, he was…there was blood everywhere and it just didn’t stop.”
“So you called 911.”
“I did.”
“And you waited for them so he wouldn’t be alone.”
Leith could smell the copper of blood as he whispered, “Yeah.”
“And he lived because of you.”
“He also almost died because of me.”
“Well, you got to spend two years in prison for that, so I figure you paid plenty for that lack of judgment. Time to stop flogging that dead horse. He lived. You did your time for your bad choices. It’s done. And now you’re here with me. Life led you right into my arms.”
Leith snorted. “You’re kind of a hippie romantic.”
“You’re kind of determined to beat yourself up about stuff you can’t control. And you’re a romantic, too, so we’re matched there.”
“You make me feel good,” he blurted. “Really good.”
Zach crawled over, pushing him down on the ground and climbing on top of him, running his hands over Leith’s chest. “I can’t help it. I just know exactly what you need.”
“Oh really?”
“Oh yes.”
Leith kissed him, and thought that Zach did know what he needed. But he also sensed that in some way he didn’t yet understand, Leith held the cards between them. Somehow that made him want to protect Zach, and that feeling always made him want to fuck him.
A few minutes later Zach was riding him, his head thrown back and his skin beautiful with red, orange, and blue flickers from the campfire. Leith gripped Zach’s hips and watched his cock bounce, the strings of pre-come glistening in the flame’s glow.
Packing up the car on the last morning, Zach came over to Leith and wrapped his arms around his waist, hugging him tight. “I don’t want to leave. I want to stay here with you forever.”
Leith sighed and hugged Zach close, his eyes drawn again to the mountains and the trees, marking them in his memory. He wanted to stay, too, but he knew they couldn’t. It was time. He had to face his new-old life, and figure out what to do with his future. But he understood. If he could, he’d stop time and stay in this place with Zach forever.
“Zach?” Leith whispered. “No matter what happens, I’ll never forget this time here with you.”
“Is that a promise?”
“It’s a promise,” Leith said, hugging Zach even closer. He could give his word without reservation. As far as he knew, he’d never been so in love before.
LATER THAT DAY
VLOG ENTRY #8
INT. GAS STATION BATHROOM
Zach’s face is big on the screen, and he talks quietly as he holds up his phone.
ZACH
My loves, I don’t have much time. Leith is filling up the car, but I wanted to tell you—things are good here. He’s different, it’s true, but I’m so in love with him that I’m surprised I haven’t floated away on a cloud.
I think it’s the grief that grounds me. It’s hard to explain how I feel—how mixed up I get sometimes. But I hold it together for him. I have to, because he can’t know that I miss anything. I only want him to feel my love for him.
Do you remember how I asked if it could hurt more if he died? The answer is yes. To have him here with me? It’s worth all the rest of it: the pain of losing him, and how much I miss our old life. It’s worth it.
It’s confusing, I know. I live with it every day. I’m happy, and I love him, and I miss him every second of every day. Crazy isn’t it?
I’d better go. I’ll introduce you another day. I just wanted to record this moment before we go back to the real world. For now, just know that I’m happy.
Chapter Nine
The apartment was clean and neat, and utterly unfamiliar to him. There were a ton of people there—faces he recognized from the hospital, like Marian and Ava, but there were others he didn’t know at all. Arthur’s girlfriend, Miyoko, was a pretty brunette who was very well dressed. She was indeed on the young side, but Arthur had hearts in his e
yes when he looked at her, and Leith liked seeing him happy.
Leith noticed that Zach seemed to act a bit big brotherly toward her, and it made him want to kiss Zach. He thought it might be an odd reaction, but there was very little about Zach that didn’t result in Leith wanting to kiss him.
A girl named Vanessa said she had worked with Leith at Blue Flight before his injury. Ava’s brother, David—at least Leith thought that was his name—also said he worked at the bar. Leith noticed that David stood by the window eating chips and staring at Zach’s cousin, Janelle, an auburn haired waif who was very beautiful. But he remembered Zach saying that he didn’t like her, and he waited almost eagerly to see what he’d think of her now. It was like gossip about someone else’s life, only kind of interesting because it applied to him.
There were a few other people around whose names Leith didn’t catch, and he didn’t really want to ask again. At some point Arthur sidled over to put his arm around Zach’s sister, Maddie—a brunette who looked like a shorter, thinner version of Zach—and the interaction seemed a bit tense for some reason.
“What’s up with that?” he asked, nodding toward them.
“They’re friends now, but there was a time when Maddie thought there might have been more. There were hurt feelings all around.”
Leith wasn’t surprised by this given his brother’s romantic shenanigans, but he just gave a closed-mouth smile and said nothing. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, so despite the fact that he was already tired and growing weary of the strangers, Leith let the party go on.
Arthur and Miyoko danced to a slow song, and Maddie danced with Zach, smiling and laughing with him. Leith didn’t want to dance with anyone other than Zach, so he made his escape.
“The bathroom?” Leith asked Marian after the third glass of celebratory sparkling water. The telling glances around the room let him know that everyone had forgotten he wasn’t who he used to be—that he didn’t know where the bathroom was, or the silverware, or the towels, or his bedroom.
“This way,” Zach said, breaking away from Maddie and pointing toward a door halfway down the hallway.
“You don’t need to escort me,” Leith said, smiling. “I think I can find it now.”
Zach let him go, his brow creasing, and Leith paused in the doorway to mouth the word, “Relax.”
Zach smiled and nodded, turning back to his sister, and Leith found the bathroom without any trouble.
It was decorated in turquoise and white, with a clamshell-shaped rug in front of the sink. He turned the faucet on and off, feeling the cool porcelain of the handles on his palms. He sighed. Nothing. He didn’t remember the bathroom at all. He wondered who’d picked out the beach scene shower curtain. He tilted his head and pondered it, trying to decide if he even liked it. Had he ever?
It was quiet, and though he could hear the chatter and clinking of silverware on plates seeping under the door, he felt safer in the bathroom, alone and unobserved. Everyone seemed great; really nice, and happy to see him. All in all he thought he must have built a pretty nice life for himself before the boxing match that took it all away.
Leith sighed. Boxing, that was something he hadn’t let himself think about yet. There was a time when he couldn’t live without it, but now he didn’t have a choice. What would he do with his life now? Could he make himself believe that what he really wanted to do was become a physical education teacher?
He sat down in the bathtub, his feet hanging over the edge.
There was a knock at the door, and Zach’s said, “Leith?”
“Come in,” Leith called, leaning his head back against the tile wall.
“Hey.” Zach shut the door behind him, his eyes worried. “Are you getting tired?”
Leith shrugged a little and patted the space next to him in the tub. Zach smiled and climbed in, his tennis shoes hanging next to Leith’s and his thigh pressed against Leith’s leg.
“How do you feel?” Zach asked.
“Like I’ve been dropped into the middle of a conversation. I just keep nodding along like I know what’s going on.”
Zach sighed and rested his head on Leith’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I should have told them all to stay away. They just wanted to see you so much.”
“No, it’s okay. I’d want to see me too.”
Zach chuckled, but then grew serious again and pressed a kiss to Leith’s neck. “They need to understand that we’re starting over again. From scratch. Everything.”
Leith kissed Zach’s forehead and said nothing, because he wasn’t sure he agreed. Zach seemed bent on moving them forward, going on ahead and ignoring the past, but Leith didn’t know how much longer he could do that. There were things he wanted to know—not just because he felt he deserved it, but because he thought they might help him plan for the future.
“I’ve been thinking about boxing,” Leith said.
Zach took hold of Leith’s hand. “I thought you might. But remember what the doctors said?”
Leith shrugged. The doctors didn’t want him boxing again. Period. They said the risk was too great. He already suffered from a traumatic brain injury, and he should thank his lucky stars that three years was all he’d lost. “Did I ever tell you about how I got started in it? I probably did.”
Zach smiled faintly. “Tell me again.”
Leith took a slow breath, remembering the first boxing lesson his father had given him. He’d been ten, and his mother had fretted that the gloves were too heavy for his hands. But his father had slapped the back of his head affectionately and said, “Head down!” before throwing a punch and then demonstrating how Leith should block it with his gloves.
“Dad started out teaching me and Arthur, but later we got a real coach. I remember Dad splurged—and given all the trouble he had with money, it was really a big splurge—to send us to the local boxing club to train with Matt Nash.”
“A local champion from your dad’s generation,” Zach murmured, leaning his head against Leith’s shoulder.
“I miss that old boxing club. I miss Matt.” He sighed. “Those were the good days before mom died and everything went to hell.”
“I know.”
“But that’s not it. I miss the ritual of it: taping my hands and putting on the gloves. I miss the feeling of my fist connecting. I miss the smell of sweat. I miss the sounds. It’s so pure for me.”
“It’s joy.”
“Yeah.”
Leith smiled, warmth and rightness flooding him that Zach knew him so well that he could fill in the blanks for him. Leith kissed Zach’s hand. “If I started up again, I don’t know how good I’d be. My doctors say that my speed and coordination was affected by the trauma to my brain. I might be able to get it back, though. If I trained very hard.”
Zach was silent and still. When he spoke his voice was strained. “I nearly lost you. When I think of you in the ring, I think of the ambulance, and the days I sat there thinking you were going to die. I remember when they told me your memory of me was gone, and I remember seeing you that day, and knowing that you didn’t know me, and how I—” Zach broke off. “I admit it. I don’t want you to box or fight at all, and if begging would stop you from doing it, I would.”
Leith squeezed Zach’s hand. Part of him felt he should be more annoyed, angry even, or that he should put up a fight. But he was too tired to summon the energy, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be angry anyway.
Leith stood beside his bed, looking around the room. There were photos on the wall of him with apparent friends he didn’t recognize, a punching bag hanging in the corner, and various items that clearly held some sort of meaning for whoever he used to be. He had no clue what they meant or who they were from.
“Well,” Zach said, seeming suddenly shy. “I’ll leave you. There’s clean-up to do, and Janelle hasn’t—”
“Zach, wait.” Leith looked around the room. “Where do you sleep? In here with me, right?”
Zach’s hands fluttered nervously. “Well,
we used to—but you probably want your space until you’re more comfortable. I moved my things back to my old room when they were going to discharge you the first time, before—well, before, and—”
“Zach, why would I want you to sleep in another room?”
He looked small with his arms crossed protectively over his chest, and his face dangerously vulnerable. Leith wanted to shut the door and do something about that look.
“In the hospital, for a while I thought about just going somewhere else. I came back here because of you, Zach. Because of how I feel when I’m with you.” Leith took him in his arms and kicked the door shut behind him. “Understand?”
Zach nodded, and Leith held him close for a few minutes, breathing in the comforting scent of his cologne before starting at the buttons on his shirt. It had been since the prior night by the campfire, and Leith couldn’t believe how long ago that seemed. He was already hard, and had been since Zach’s face had gone all sweet and defenseless. He didn’t waste any time getting Zach onto the bed.
Before long Zach was on his hands and knees, gripping the bed sheets and burying his noises in the pillow. Leith groaned at the sight, biting his lower lip and slamming into Zach harder just to see him squirm again. Yes, the apartment and room were unfamiliar, and the party had been confusing and stressful, but sharing this with Zach washed all of that away in a rush of pleasure and need. He ran his hands over the clenching muscles in Zach’s back before grabbing Zach’s shoulders and fucking him hard.
“Yes,” Zach cried out, reaching back to stroke a hand down Leith’s leg.
“Do you like it hard like this?”
“Oh fuck, yes. Harder even.”
Leith kissed his neck, licking along his ear and pounding his ass in quick strong thrusts. Nothing but Zach existed as he raced to the edge of orgasm, and he threw his head back, searching for it, craving it to blot out the uncomfortable night and the looming anxiety about his future.