Darwin Award: Pierced!
Pennsylvania | A twenty-three-year-old man with various body piercings wondered what it would feel like to connect the electronic control tester to his chest piercings….
Darwin Award: Barn Razing
West Virginia | Raising a new barn brings a community together. Razing a dilapidated barn is another question….
Darwin Award: A Prop-er Send-off
Australia | For a diver on a pearl farm there are many ways to “buy the farm.” The head diver, Sharky, was a loose gun in a company of cowboys….
Darwin Award: Crushing De’feet
Austria | A man who had been reported missing was found the following morning in a trash compactor. Once the videotape from a monitoring camera was reviewed, all became clear….
Darwin Award: Chemistry Went to Her Head
Bulgaria | Suddenly bystanders saw three occupants bolt from a car to a nearby manhole and start pouring down various solid and liquid chemicals….
Darwin Award: Silage Spreader
UK | I represent an insurance company specializing in farms. Farmworkers do the most insane things….
Darwin Award: A Breathtaking View
South Africa | A construction engineer inspecting a building asked a worker to stand on a scaffold that was projecting into open space….
Darwin Award: Breathless
An experienced rescue diver was filming an underwater video of a wreck forty-four meters below sea level. Deep-water diving warrants special training and extra safety considerations….
At Risk Survivor: He Kicked the Bucket
Texas | In a world full of wonders man invented boredom. If you work for an arc welding company, boredom can turn a plastic bucket, welding materials, and a spark into a playdate….
At Risk Survivor: Flyswatter
California | When a bug crawled across his desk one spring morning, an adult education teacher gave twenty-five students an impromptu and involuntary lesson in safety….
At Risk Survivor: Caulker Burner
Scotland | The shipyard at Port Glasgow uses a plasma cutter to cut steel for boat repairs. For larger holes the plasma torch is programmed to leave sections uncut….
At Risk Survivor: The Turn of the Screw
Australia | The Kalgoorlie Nickel Smelter uses a piece of heavy machinery called a screw feeder, a cast-iron tube encasing an Archimedean screw that transports chunks of ore….
SCIENCE INTERLUDE: THE GREAT DYING
CHAPTER 7: COMBUSTION CRAZIES
Darwin Award: Electronic Fireworks
Netherlands | Serge, thirty-six, thought it reasonable to hover over an illegal professional firework and light the electronic ignition with an open flame….
Darwin Award: Rolling Stones
Vietnam | Three men scavenging for scrap metal found an unexploded five-hundred-pound bomb perched atop a hill and decided to rely on a little help from Sir Isaac Newton….
Darwin Award: Hammer of Doom
Brazil | August brings us a winner who tried to disassemble a rocket-propelled grenade by driving back and forth over it with a car….
Darwin Award: Timing Is Everything
Indiana | Russell had a grudge against an abandoned semitruck. Russell was not the silent, brooding type. He was a man of action….
At Risk Survivor: The Flaming Shot
Minnesota | After consuming many cocktails at a party, my friends and I had a brilliant idea to pour a shot of liquor, set it on fire, and drink it. The ultimate goal was to impress the ladies….
At Risk Survivor: Star Wars
England | Two people emulated Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader and fought with lightsabers made from fluorescent light-bulbs….
At Risk Survivor: Unfinished Project
Any story that begins, “Well, I was building a pipe bomb,” can never end well. One Sunday, angry that the Broncos were losing, Lou headed to his workshop to build a bomb….
At Risk Survivor: Roundabout Rocket
Two teens playing with miniature rockets formed the idea to tie a string around the rocket, tether it to the backyard birdbath, and thereby cause it to whirl around the sky….
At Risk Survivor: Remember the Hindenburg
Remember the time the science teacher dropped sodium into a bowl of water? The element skips about, fizzing as it burns….
At Risk Survivor: Hot Rod
Oregon | A car hot-rodding down the interstate lost traction, cartwheeled, narrowly avoided a hundred-foot plunge into the Clackamas River, and smashed through the wall of a garage….
At Risk Survivor: Helmet Head
Indiana | At a party near Nashville a young man was watching people set off fireworks when, suddenly, a great idea struck him….
Darwin Award: Garden Bomb
Australia | In the suburbs of Adelaide sleeping residents were awakened by a resounding explosion. A smoking hole was found in a neighbor’s backyard, reeking of the pungent odor of marijuana….
SCIENCE INTERLUDE: THE HUMANITY
CHAPTER 8: ANIMAL ANTICS
Darwin Award: Kittie Toy
South Africa | Two muggers were working a crowd. Suddenly, their victim screamed! The muggers sprinted away, but working a crowd and working out are entirely different activities….
Darwin Award: Whac-A-Mole
East Germany | A sixty-three-year-old man’s extraordinary effort to eradicate moles from his property resulted in a victory for the moles….
Darwin Award: Beer for Bears
Serbia | It’s well known that alcohol impairs judgment. It’s well known that carnivorous wild animals and humans don’t mix. What happens when we combine all three?
Darwin Award: A Cow-ardly Death
Cambodia | Sounds of a scuffle culminated in the discovery of a man’s naked body lying beneath the frightened family cow….
Darwin Award: Wascally Wabbit
Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit….
Darwin Award: Score One for Goliath
Florida | A fearsome mythical giant named Goliath was felled by David’s humble slingshot. But a modern leviathan versus a speargun is another tale altogether….
Darwin Award: Elephants Press Back
India | In recent months migrating elephants have killed eleven people in southeast India. A team of four journalists decided to interview the rogue elephants….
Darwin Award: Pulling a Boner!
New York | A fifty-year-old man was bird-hunting upstate with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. When they stopped for a smoke, his dog found a deer leg bone….
At Risk Survivor: Catching a Buzz
Charles can tell you the petrogenetic peculiarities of low-alkali tholeiitic basalt after hydrothermal alteration, but Charles recently demonstrated the gulf between intelligence and common sense….
At Risk Survivor: Buffalo Stampede
In Yellowstone Park near a field where wild buffalo graze, the roadside parking lot is lined with explicit warning signs. Buffalo are dangerous! Then a car from California pulled in….
At Risk Survivor: A Salty Tale
Idaho | A few people out cow-tipping made so much noise that they woke the farmer. The farmer came running out with a shotgun, yelling, “Get out of my fields!”
At Risk Survivor: Snake in the Grass
Scotland | A hiker picked up a harmless grass snake so his brother could take a picture. Just as he reached for it, a black adder slithered into view….
At Risk Survivor: “Bite Me!”
Oregon | An amateur snake collector caught a twenty-inch rattlesnake on the highway. Three weeks later, his captive took its revenge….
At Risk Survivor: Shark Kiss
Florida | A scuba diver attempted to kiss a nurse shark. He had kissed hundreds of sharks before….
Urban Legend: Roping a Deer
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, sweet-feed it corn for a few weeks, then butcher it. Corn-f
ed venison! Yum….
CHAPTER 9: FAQ
FAQ: Why is it called the Darwin Awards?
FAQ: The Rules: Is this a Darwin Award? The Rules.
FAQ: I already have kids. Am I safe?
FAQ: Sometimes the winners are still alive?!
FAQ: How do you confirm the stories?
FAQ: Have you ever been wrong?
FAQ: Where do you get your stories?
FAQ: How many submissions do you get?
FAQ: What is the History of the Darwin Awards?
FAQ: What is evolution?
FAQ: Are humans really evolving?
FAQ: Why aren’t the winners those with the highest votes!?
FAQ: Would you explain the categories?
FAQ: MEN, Men, men, why so many men?
FAQ: Is there an actual physical Darwin Award?
FAQ: What are your aspirations?
FAQ: Are you making a TV show?
FAQ: I saw the Movie. Does it violate the Rules?
FAQ: Why do we laugh at stories about death?
FAQ: How can I avoid a Darwin Award?
FAQ: Do you drive while using a cell phone?
FAQ: What is with the science essays?
FAQ: What do the families think? Do you get their permission?
FAQ: What inspired you to do this?
FAQ: How many stories? How many books? How many more?
FAQ: What is your favorite story?
ABOUT THE DARWIN AWARDS WEBSITE
ARTIST BIOGRAPHIES
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STORY INDEX
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NEXT EVOLUTION
INTRODUCTION
ABOUT THE DARWIN AWARDS
“Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even stupider!”
—George Carlin
The Darwin Awards, named in honor of Charles Darwin, salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it—thereby ensuring that the next generation is descended from one less idiot. We applaud the heroic self-sacrifice of these noble men and women, who gave their all to improve the human race.
Of necessity, this Award is usually bestowed posthumously.
Chapter 9: FAQ tells you all about the rules, our history, and the source of new stories. There you will find answers to philosophical questions, and helpful tips to avoid winning a Darwin Award yourself. Meanwhile, dive into this collection of stories about people who swim in the shallow end of the gene pool.
CHAPTER 1
MISCELLANEOUS MISHAPS
The most inventive Darwin Awards are impossible to shoehorn into a category: Roofs and balconies, elevators, chemicals, helium, river rafts, an ax, a Kevlar vest, a paint gun, vodka, bicycles, tires, and a surfboard! The book begins with a random assortment of mayhem perpetrated by Darwin Award winners and their wannabe cousins, the At Risk Survivors.
Darwin Award WINNER: The Enema Within
Confirmed True by Darwin
21 MAY 2004, TEXAS
Do you really want to know about The Enema Within?
Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor, well, rectally. His wife said he was addicted to enemas and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.
Michael couldn’t imbibe alcohol by mouth due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favorite beverage via enema. And tonight, he was in for one hell of a party. Two 1.5-liter bottles of sherry, more than a hundred fluid ounces, right up the old address!
* * *
“He was addicted to enemas.”
* * *
When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out), the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.
The fifty-eight-year-old machine-shop owner did a pretty good job of embalming himself. According to toxicology reports his blood alcohol level was 0.47 percent.
In order to qualify for a Darwin Award a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an “astounding misapplication of judgment.” Three liters of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.
Reference: Houston Chronicle,
Seattle Post-Intelligencer,
TheAge.com.au, Reuters
* * *
Darwin notes: My e-mails reveal that alcohol enemas are far more common than I would have imagined. Apparently the alcohol is absorbed more quickly through the capillary beds of the rectum, a fact exploited by an alarming number of party animals.
* * *
Reader Comments:
“Up the hatch.”
“Drunk off my ass.”
“Rectum? Hell, no, it killed him.”
“Takes shit-faced to a whole new level.”
“He earned the Award—no ifs, ands, or butts about it.”
“This puts a new light on the old saying, ‘Up yours, mate!’”
“A drop never touched his lips.”
“Coitus alcoholus.”
“Bottoms up!”
Darwin Award: Modern Armor
Confirmed True by Darwin
26 AUGUST 2006, LEICESTER, ENGLAND
Darren’s death was a mystery. The thirty-three-year-old was found slumped over in the hallway of his house, bleeding from stab wounds to his chest. Police initially assumed that an assailant had attacked him, but they could find no supporting evidence. A year later, the inquest revealed why Darren can stake his claim to a place among the winners of the Darwin Award.
Darren had called a friend, but minutes after he hung up, he rang back to ask for an ambulance. The front door was found ajar, and Darren was discovered lying near a bloodstained lock-knife he had purchased whilst on holiday in Spain. The circumstances of his death were puzzling. Forensics investigators saw no indication of a struggle, and the coroner reported that the stab wounds seemed to be self-inflicted. However, Darren had shown no suicidal tendencies.
His wife, who was on holiday at the time of the incident, cleared up the mystery and revealed why our subject will go down in history as a Darwin Award winner. As she was leaving for the holiday, she remembered Darren wondering whether his new jacket was “stab-proof.”
* * *
“Unfortunately, he was never able to try out his bulletproof pants.”
* * *
That’s right. Darren decided to find out if his jacket could withstand a knife attack. Did he choose to test his jacket while it was draped over the back of a chair? No, our man thought that the best approach would be to wear the garment and stab himself. Sadly, his armor proved less resistant to a sharp blade than he had hoped.
The coroner reached a verdict of accidental death by “misadventure.”
Reference: www.thisisglenfield.com (website defunct after June 2007)
Reader Comment:
“Shanks for nothing.”
Darwin Award: Falling in Love
Confirmed True by Darwin
20 JUNE 2007, SOUTH CAROLINA
A passing cabbie found a twenty-one-year-old couple naked and injured in the road an hour before sunrise. The two people died at the nearest hospital without regaining consciousness. Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars or motorcycles.
* * *
trifecta (pronounced tr-fek-te): a wager on the first three finishers of a race, in the correct order.
* * *
Investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. There was no sign of foul play (only of foreplay). “It appears as if (they) accidentally fell off the roof,” Sergeant Florence McCants sai
d.
This is a true Darwin Award trifecta: two people die, while in the act of procreation, due to an astonishingly poor decision. Bottom line: If you put yourself in a precarious “position” at the edge of a pointy roof, you may well find yourself coming and going at the same time.
Reference: MyrtleBeachOnline.com, The State newspaper, WISTV.com,
Associated Press, Fox News, WTLX.com, WOAI.com, KNBC.com
Reader Comments:
“Talk about falling for someone….”
“Dammit, I told her to hold on.”
“Diddler on the Roof.”
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful.
It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool Page 2