Technically, not a war—a “police action.” Doesn’t count. Although you don’t see me writing this book in Korean. So, really…
God: 11, Not-God: 0.
Vietnam
You can’t say God lost Vietnam. The Democratic Congress lost it, by refusing to fund God’s war. He may be omnipotent, but He’s not made out of money.
God: 11, Not-God: 0, Democrats: -1.
You’re thinking of Mammon.
Iraq
Once again, God won the War. He just doesn’t occupy very well.
God: 12, Not-God: 0, Democrats: -1.
That’s the last time God listens to Rumsfeld.
So it’s clear that when you follow God, you’re riding on the winning train,7 but if you want to go first class on ChrisTrak, there’s only only one way to ride…
Roman Catholicism!
Jesus founded only One Church and it wasn’t Unitarian. He took
His apostle Simon and made him into a rock and built a church on him. It’s called “the Holy Roman Catholic and Apostolic Church,” or “Church” for short.
Simon says “Pray!”
Catholics have many advantages over other Christians. One is marble. For the buck I put into the collection plate, I want some production value. That means a church, not some community center that doubles as a basketball court.
Also, Catholics have saints—more than 10,000 of them. They’re like God’s customer service reps, and each of them has a specialty. Say you lose your wallet. You could bother the Creator to help you find it, but if you’re a Catholic, you don’t have to. Just pray to St. Anthony. Finding lost things is all he does. For Eternity. Also, there are times when you might want to pray to St. Agatha. She’s the patron saint of nursing and bell-making. If you’re both a nurse and a bell-maker, that’s one-stop shopping.
Some are put off by the labyrinthine structure of Catholic dogma, but many of its rituals are quite beautiful, and not just when edited together as a tense, poetic counterpoint to brutal violence in Mafia films.
But maybe you’re not ready to be a Roman Catholic. Well, as the saying goes, “There are many roads to God.” Some are just more twisty than others. So if you want to get a little needless exercise, why don’t you try one of these Goat Paths to Nowhere?
Protestantism
This is a variant form of Christianity, or “heresy.”
But they do make me angry.
Protestants don’t make me angry as much as disappointed. Unlike the world’s crazy made-up religions, they’re so close to getting it right. They’re a single Pope away from reaching their full potential.8 But instead of stepping up and making a commitment to one, holy, apostolic Church, they’re stuck on this notion of “independence,” of unmediated faith in Christ. Do you really think God prefers a mess of polyglot, disorganized prayers over the elegant hand-written Latin epistles from Benedict XVI? As if He doesn’t have enough to do already without putting your request for an aboveground pool into Babel Fish.
So we get it, Protestants. You’ve had your 490-year “protest”—let’s move on. Martin Luther was probably right to translate the Bible into German, and I’ll grant that he may have had a legitimate beef about selling indulgences. But let’s stop living in the past. Whenever you’re ready, the Church’s doors are always open. We’ll let you back into eternal salvation, and all you have to do is say a few Hail Marys, feel a little guilty, and deliver us your massive army of lockstep values voters.
Where I come from, nailing things to a church door is vandalism.
Plus, if you come back into the fold, I’ve got some bargain-basement relics you might be interested in. I’m talking rare, primo St. Ebrulf shinbone.
It belows
That’s my general take on Protestantism. Here’s the blow-by-blow:
Episcopal Church
Why don’t Episcopalians just come out and say it: They’re Anglicans. A bunch of Tory Loyalist Brit-o-philes living in our midst, just waiting for the day America lets her guard down so they can slip tea into our coffeemakers, bayonet our bald eagles, and reinstate Henry VIII. Let’s keep an eye on these people.
Methodism
What, the Church of England wasn’t heretical enough for you?
Don’t be a Meth-head.
Presbyterians
Presbyterians are identical to Methodists except that one of them says “debts” instead of “trespasses” in the Lord’s Prayer. Hundreds of years of bitter armed conflict has failed to resolve this difference. How many more lives must be lost?
“Forgive us our debts?” Who are they, Bono?
Baptists
Don’t be a
I’m a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don’t go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much.
Quakers9
These folks produced only two things I like—Oatmeal and Richard Nixon.
Actually the rice cakes aren’t bad either.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormonism)
To their credit, Mormonism’s founders did something that other self-proclaimed prophets throughout history never thought of: They lived in America. I’ll admit it even makes me a bit uncomfortable to think that my doctrine was established somewhere as unseemly as the Middle East.
The Church was founded after prophet Joseph Smith left a lucrative career divining for treasure to find the golden plates containing the Book of Mormon, which describes a visit by Jesus to America after He left Jerusalem. Evidently He was ascending to Heaven, got just above the clouds, and took a hard left.
On the plus side, any guy who’s ever agonized over “boxers or briefs” before a hot date should consider Mormonism.10 They have special underwear, so that decision is made for you. Plus, pre-marital sex is prohibited. Casual sex is really not a problem at all to these guys, even after you’re married. The Church wants you to have 11 kids, so sex is never going to be casual. It is going to be work.
And I’ll give the Mormons this: They know which way the wind blows. When America decided that polygamy wasn’t the way to go, the Mormons changed their ways and banned it. They had similar changes in policy when public opinion turned against the traditions of massacring pioneers and believing that all Black people are evil. Pretty much whenever the general populace decides that Mormons are a sinful crazy cult, their leader receives a message straight from God that makes everything OK. This practice continues to this day; you can see it in the way that Mitt Romney was pro-choice when he was running for governor of Massachusetts, but was divinely inspired to become pro-life when he was running for the Republican nomination for president.
On the minus side, you could be ex-communicated by Donny Osmond.
Judaism
Now, I have nothing but respect for the Jewish people. Since the Bible is 100% the true Word of God, and the Jews believe in the Old Testament,11 that means Judaism is 50% right.
My biggest problem with Judaism is its tradition of literary criticism. Its highest ideal is to sit around studying day and night. I can’t trust any religion with that kind of book-fetish. As much as I love the Bible, even I can only read so much in one bathroom sitting. Let alone the Talmud. Seriously, Rashi, every tractate needs a commentary? It wouldn’t hurt to take a seltzer break once in a while.
Commenting in the margins of books is stupid.
Also, there’s this whole notion of “Jewish Guilt.” Hmm, sounds familiar. Maybe because it was originally called “Catholic Guilt”! Quit trying to steal our spot as guiltiest religion, Jews. If your mother knew about this blatant theft, it would kill her—kill her.
They don’t even need the guilt. They’ve got plenty of other ways to make themselves miserable. Just look at their holidays.
The most important one involves spending a day not eating and thinking about all the bad things they’ve done. You get the day off from work, and you spend it moping. Count me out!
Look, guys, you need to lighten up. I’ve been to Jewish weddings—I know you can cut loose when you want to. That thing with the chair is crazy. Let’s bring around a little more of that.
Also, if you could concentrate on rebuilding that Temple and bringing forth our Armageddon/Second Coming, we’d really appreciate it.
The Rapture is the only way you’re getting rid of us.
With their common devotion to the Word of God as revealed in the Old and New Testaments, the Christians and the Jews share a common heritage.12
Together these Testaments are known as:
THE BIBLE
It’s a big book with big words like Abednego. It’s also often misinterpreted. Here’s all you need to know.
THE OLD TESTAMENT
After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.
Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn’t mean you should necessarily skip it. That would be like skipping Batman & Robin just because the story starts over in Batman Begins.13 The important thing to realize is that both the old and the new stories are about an all-powerful being trying to rid the world of evildoers, only in the new one The Batman can eat pork.
Bat-chops!
But in case you don’t have time to consult the Old Testament, I’ve taken the liberty of summing up the highlights below. This isn’t supposed to be a replacement for the Old Testament, but if you want to save some shelf-space by tearing it out of the Bible and replacing it with this book, I’m sure God will understand.
Fine with God.
THE CONCENTRATED OLD TESTAMENT14
Creation: “In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.”
Adam and Eve/The Fall of Man: Mankind is inherently sinful. Also inherently trusting of women and snakes. Fight these instincts!
Cain and Abel: Are you your brother’s keeper? Yes, but that doesn’t mean he can live in your guest room forever. Get a job, Allen!
Dew-ing it
Noah and the Flood: All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don’t want to know what causes dew.
Sodom and Gomorrah: If you wonder what God thinks about sodomy, just ask a Sodomite. Oh, that’s right—you can’t, because God destroyed them all with fire and brimstone.
The 10 Commandments: Moses’ greatest achievement, though that beard was a close second.
David and Goliath: Size doesn’t matter, but temperature does. Come on, put on some pants!
King David and his “slingshot”
Book of Job: Bad things happen to good people. Suck it up.
Jonah swallowed by a whale: If you don’t run away from your responsibilities and you never tell a lie, one day you’ll become a real boy.
Samson and Delilah: Don’t let your girlfriend cut your hair!
THE NEW TESTAMENT
Spoiler Alert! Jesus is the salvation of all mankind.
OTHER HEATHENS
Shinto
Shinto is a Japanese religion based on the worship of kami, or spirits, which inhabit everything. So any object or concept you want to pray to, you can. Sometimes the kami are even stacked up double: For example, each tree has a kami in it, but then there’s another kami for all trees. So, first strike against this bull-Shint? It’s inefficient. I could probably run that religion with half its current spirit workforce. And those savings would get passed directly to the believer.
Provided none are illegal immigrant spirits
Plus, a whole bunch of magical beings based in different parts of nature? That’s not a religion, that’s Pokemon. Which shows how Shinto hooks you—once you’ve prayed to a few spirits, you’ve “gotta catch ’em all!”
Hinduism
I’m torn on Hinduism. On the one hand, they believe in karma and reincarnation, where good things happen to people who do good deeds and bad things happen to people who do bad deeds. Then after you die, they take a look at your karma account and you come back as something better or worse, depending on how you did. I like this philosophy, because it means if you’re good enough in this life, you can be reincarnated as a Catholic. And if this stuff is true, I was one amazing Hindu in my last life. And given the amount of good I’m doing now, it’s Next Stop: Nirvanaville for me.
A god, or whatever
Also, Hindu gods make fantastic stuffed animals. They’ve got us there. When it comes to merchandising, the Catholic Church doesn’t have anything to compete with a blue elephant head.15
Worst beanie baby ever.
But there’s plenty to be worried about. First off, they got us in the numbers game. There are how many people in India who worship how many gods with how many arms? Multiply all that together, and the results are truly terrifying. What worries me more is their injunction against beef. There’s nothing more mouth-watering than a strong, healthy bovine in the artificial-hormone-induced prime of life. So what if it could be my great-grandfather reincarnated? I’d be honored to pass through the colon of my descendants. Give me a break.
Buddhism
Another go-figure religion. “Hey, why don’t we all put on robes and sit in a rock garden and just, like, be aware?” Exactly. That’s the easiest rhetorical question I’ve ever asked. Buddhism instructs its followers to forsake attachment to material things. Go for it, guys. That’s just more material things for those of us who have enough sense to glorify our Lord with speedboats.
Hey, Buddhists—this book is a thing.
And frankly, I’m offended by this idea of the so-called “middle way,” the Buddhist doctrine of avoiding extremes. What’s the point of religion without extremes? You’re either a believer who’s guaranteed a seat at God’s right hand in the Kingdom of Heaven or an infidel condemned to boil eternally in a lake of searing excrement. We’re at Holy War; pick a side, tubby.
Buddhists hate Mountain Dew
Islam16
Islam is a great and true religion revealed in the Holy Koran which was dictated by the angel Gabriel to the final prophet Mohammed, Blessing and Peace Be Upon Him.
Scientology
This fast-growing but controversial religion is attracting some smart people. At least they seem smart—they certainly know a lot about Scientology!
I know a lot of folks are quick to criticize Scientology for its secrecy and willingness to sue dissenters, but if you figured out the secret to expunging Engrams from the Reactive Mind, you’d be protective of it, too.
Though I may disagree with Scientology on a number of things—like the notion that Galactic Lord Xenu exiled Thetans to Earth in spaceships shaped exactly like late 60s-era DC-8 airplanes, and then stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs 75 million years ago, and the spirits of these Thetans now inhabit our human bodies and prevent us from reaching our full potential—I do agree with their well-publicized disdain for psychoanalysis. Three hundred bucks an hour and all the guy wants to do is talk about my mother? Beam me up, L. Ron!
I am America (and so can You!) Page 6