'Are you alright?' I ask.
'Of course! This isn't for real!' She gets to her feet, avoiding eye contact. 'I've got to make a phone call, I'll see you later.'
I watch her hurry out of the room, head down. She's going to call her mum, I'll bet you anything. I look at my watch. She better be a party animal – it's 1am in the UK. Hope she doesn't shout at her while she's feeling so vulnerable. I know my mum would just take it in her stride but I don't want to disturb her sleep. I'll call her tomorrow – still 24 hours for a B&B miracle to occur. No worries.
I stroll out and assess the chart for the evening classes to see if there's anything that might prove inspirational, while sneaking a sideways glance at the students around me – who else can I turn into a blubbering wreck?
'I'm going for the White Lotus Poetry Workshop,' a shrimpy fella informs me.
‘Lovely,’ I smile. But not for me.
Think Like an Ocean. That sounds groovy. Returning to the Simplicity of Life. Great in theory but I have a feeling the reality means living in a shack. Inner Goddess. Love it – there's got to be glitter involved. Self-Betrayal. Bet that's a good 'un – high cry potential. Ooh, I like this Life Maps one – you do a chart of your life so far to see how you got to where you are today and then use that information to plot your most creative future. The teacher – Ann Sayre Wiseman looks nice enough. I reach for the pen to add my name and in doing so see Elise has put herself down for the Radical Honesty workshop running at the same time. That's tempting. She might blurt everything out and save me the trouble of hiring that private detective. I suppose I could always try and catch her directly after … Then I spot my name in Elise's handwriting under the heading Banish Body Hang-Ups! The cheek of it! I wonder if she's trying to get me back? All the same, it does have a certain appeal. I’ll pop along right after dinner.
With just ten of us (including three men) in the group I thought this might be the chance to make some real progress regarding my dimpled thighs. And, you know, if the nudity hadn't been compulsory I might have even stayed for longer than sixty seconds.
I shudder as I get back into the open air. What now? I've missed the start of the Life Map class so that's no good. Ritualistic Dance involved covering yourself in clay, as I recall. I could press my ear up against the Radical Honesty workshop. Or maybe I'll just tiptoe back to the room for a sneaky kip – I only had a few hours’ sleep last night and it's taking its toll.
There's a man (I think) doing a headstand in the corridor and in trying to avoid him I walk straight into a large pair of cushiony breasts.
‘That's it – reach out and touch another human being!' Their owner embraces me. 'If you want to be hugged, just reach out!' She squashes me close to her for far too long. She's not wearing a bra.
'Thank you!' I puff, finally extracting myself.
'Any time!' She wobbles on her way.
I shake my head and open the bedroom door, inadvertently bursting in on a couple snogging.
'Oop, sorry! Wrong room!' I scuttle backwards and close the door. Then I pause. Hold on. Room 33. It is the right room. And one of those kissers looked extremely familiar. I open the door again and find the two bodies now perched either end of the bed looking the picture of innocence. Did I just imagine it? I look at Elise. She bolds my gaze shamelessly. I look at the man. Handsome. Grey hair. Fifty-something.
Suddenly I have no idea what I'm doing there.
'Um – I just needed my jacket. Going for a walk. Here it is.' I grab it off the back of the chair then scarper.
Unbe-freakin-liveable! No wonder Elise has stuck the week out – she's been getting it on with one of the students! Outrageous! I wonder if that's why she needed to talk to me in Yosemite? Was she going to ask me for Elliot's definition of infidelity? Kisses abroad don't count etc. Wow. Talk about fissures – Elliot wants to call off the wedding and Elise is kissing other men. I'd be apoplectic on Elliot's behalf were it not for the fact that she's actually doing him a favor. I wonder if I should tell him – it would certainly make the break-up easier on him guilt-wise. Then again, after his behavior at the Madonna Inn … I swivel around trying to wriggle free of my tangled emotions – I wish I could deduce how I really feel but everything is so knotted I can't think straight. Does this make Elliot a free man? And if so, how does that affect me? I'm still furious with him for rescinding his offer – how could I ever trust him again? Hmmm. Does that mean I'm willing to try? Am I really still hoping he'll come through for me?
'Lara! Wait!'
It's Elise. This should be good. Bring it on, sista! (She's no daughter of mine!)
'It's not what you think!' she says as she hurries up to me.
Nul points for originality on the opening gambit.
I turn to face her and tell her coolly: 'You don't know what I'm thinking.'
For once I have the upper hand.
She stands with her hands on her hips, ready for a confrontation.
'Go on then,' I goad her. 'Tell me that was just a one-on-one healing session with a fellow student!'
'He's not a student,' she asserts.
'Teacher? Ooh nice!' I roll my eyes.
'He's not a teacher.'
'Guru, spirit guide whatever …' I wave dismissively.
‘He’s my ex.’
I think for a moment, then check: 'The ex from Carmel?'
She nods.
He's older, yes, but not shockingly so – why would everyone be whispering and pointing? I wonder if he's a known crim—
'He came to say goodbye,' she says, wistfully.
'Where's he going?'
'Nowhere,' Elise tuts. 'Goodbye to our past. Martha said I needed some closure—'
'Is that what they're calling it these days!' I can't help but snipe.
Elise takes a deep breath. 'I promised my mother I would never see him again but tonight I realized I have to do what's right for me.'
Oh gawd, that'll be my fault with all the 'if you're happy, I'm happy' roleplay. I should never have got involved.
'In order to give myself fully to Elliot, I had to find a way to let go.' Elise continues.
'Of what, your inhibitions?' I can't stop myself, I've waited too long to snark back at her and now she's given me a prime excuse.
'Yes I kissed him but that's it, the end.' Elise implores me to believe her.
I am utterly unconvinced. 'Is it? What happens when he needs closure on your closure?'
'If you're going to be—'
'What?' I snort. 'Vaguely suspicious when I walk in on my best friend's fiancée kissing some other guy?'
Elise looks down at the ground. For a moment I see the forlorn little girl that was crying in my arms. Oh what's the point in yelling at her? Elliot doesn't want her anyway – at least that's what he says – she can do what she likes. It's nothing to do with me.
'I'll see you later.' I turn to walk away.
'If you knew what Elliot and I have planned, you wouldn't be so quick to judge.'
There's only one thing that would make sense of her summoning up the love of her life shortly before her marriage to another man. 'Polygamy?' I suggest.
'Oh bollocks to you!' she spits, turning on her heel.
‘Always a pleasure, Elise!' I call after her.
But she doesn't hear.
I stand alone in the darkness. 'What Elliot and I have planned …' she said. Then it's not done. Apparently they both get to kiss other people but they still have plans together.
As for me, I have no plans at all. I wonder if there's a class called How To Cope When You Discover That Nothing In Your Life Is What It Seemed…
Chapter 38
What a trip this has turned out to be. I knew I'd clash with Elise eventually but there is no way I could have predicted these circumstances. I expel a long breath and then go in search of a bench away from chanters and people trying to rearrange their body parts into a Picasso painting. I arrange my own into a lotus position and close my eyes – just in case any one come
s by, they'll think I'm meditating and leave me in peace.
Drinnnnng!
Ah. I forgot the first rule of inner peace – turn off all cellphones. Ah well, seeing as I'm faking, I flip it open.
'Lara?'
'Sasha!' I instantly cheer up.
'You'll never guess where I am.'
'Give me a clue!’
There's a strange moaning grunt in the background.
'Was that an elephant?' I query.
'Yes.’
'Are you in Africa?'
'No!' she laughs. 'But it's the next best thing - Ty's brought me to Shambala!'
'Really?' Should that mean something to me?
'It's this amazing animal sanctuary over in the Santa Clarita mountains, it’s run by Tippi Hedren!'
'Melanie Griffiths's mum?'
'The very same! We just had dinner with her.'
'You're kidding!'
'It's one of the things they do to raise money for the Roar Foundation. Ty said I needed a break before the big day and he just spirited me here!'
That boy has really come through in a big way. 'So, what's it like?' I ask.
'Lovely – so many more trees and space than Tiger Tiger and a big river …' Sasha sighs. 'We're staying overnight in this safari tent – absolutely everything is leopard print – it's just like Jungle Rock but without the walls!' Sasha laughs.
‘Where's Ty?'
'He's just gone to make some calls.'
'So you can talk?'
'I can whisper.'
'Well?'
'Oh La, when I got back from the Madonna Inn he just walked straight up to me and kissed me!'
'What did you do?' I gasp, feeling a little fluttery myself, imagining the impact of his affection.
'I couldn't stop crying.'
'In a good way?' I check.
'Oh yes! It felt like this massive relief – to be with him. I don't think I've ever been so happy.'
My heart feels weirdly tugged in two directions: exhilaration for her and pure envy.
'Enjoy every second,' I urge her.
'Oh I will! What are you doing now?'
I don't want to tell her that I'm sitting by myself, staring out at a black sea so I say, 'Just about to take a moonlight yoga class.'
'Oh. Well, have fun. Don't get stuck in any compromising positions!’
‘I won't,' I laugh. 'Say hi to Ty for me.'
'Hold on, he's here.'
'Lara?' There's that familiar rumble.
'Hi!' I smile. 'I hear things are going well!'
'They really are. And it's all because of you – what you said to me that day.'
'Don't be silly,' I shush him. 'You two would have worked it out in your own time. You're meant to be together.'
'Well, I'll agree with that last bit,' he concedes. 'But thank you anyway. We're seeing you at the fundraiser, right?'
'Yes, definitely.'
'Good. Sleep well, honey.'
'Night!' Sasha calls in the background.
I flip the phone closed.
For the next hour I just sit and stare out to sea. The quieter I am, the more aware I become of the rush and slap of the water below me. If I listen closely it's almost as if I can hear my own name.
'Lara …'
There it is again. Louder this time. I look around me. No one there. Great. Now I'm hearing voices.
'Over here!'
Staying rooted to the bench, I lean forward and peer into the darkness. Still nothing. Then over to my left a bush parts and a lone figure emerges.
'Elliot! What are you doing here?' I scramble to my feet.
'I had to come.'
I go to hug him, then I remember I hate him.
'Elise is —' What do I say? I don't want him walking in on them, that's just cruel. 'Doing a late class, I think.'
'It's you I've come to see.'
I get a flicker of hope – an apology and a promise to be my dance partner for all eternity would do the trick right now. Instead he sits at the edge of the bench looking like a condemned man.
Finally he speaks, his voice a mere croak. 'Do you love him?'
I raise my eyebrows. 'Joel?'
'Yes Joel,' he says impatiently.
'What if I did?' I challenge him.
He hangs his head, looking beaten.
I soften my voice. 'What if I don't?'
My heart beats loudly in my ears as I take a step closer to him. I've never felt so near the verge – will he catch me if I fall?
Elliot looks up at me with tortured eyes. 'All these years, Lara, it was always you I thought I'd marry.'
I try not to lose my footing and plunge in the ocean. What?! When did he think that? How could I have missed that vital sentiment?
I daren't speak for fear of waking from the dream I must be in.
'When I first met you I just thought, I'm gonna get all my crappy relationship stuff out of the way and then I'm gonna fall at your feet and beg you to marry me.'
I open my mouth and then close it again. Our ten-year past has just taken on a different hue. I don't know where to begin. Eventually I manage to form a question.
'When did you change your mind?' I ask in a small voice.
Elliot looks confused. 'What do you mean?’
‘You proposed to Elise, not me.' I can't say it any plainer than that.
Elliot frowns, looking as if he's having some kind of revelation. 'She proposed to me.’
‘But you said yes.' He doesn’t get off the hook that easily.
'Yes, I did. At the time, having just lost Mum – I'm not making excuses, but I don't think I was really present.' He swallows, looking mournful. 'Now I feel like I've taken you for granted for so long. Until this week I've never had to see you with another man …' his fists clench '… in that way.'
He really is jealous. I can’t believe it!
'At least not with anyone you might actually have a future with.' He looks bleaker than ever. 'I suppose he would be considered quite a catch, Joel.'
If he didn't look so tormented I'd smile. All my anger has dispelled and I feel my heart melt. Look at that crumpled face – what have I done to him? I long to take him in my arms and tell him that he's the only one for me but I daren't. I'm still not sure what he's saying. I don't think he is either. But this might help…
‘Joel and I are just friends. Anything else that was there, is done.'
'So you're not …' Elliot looks hopeful.
'I'll see him again. He's coming to the fundraiser. But just as a friend.'
Elliot blinks, trying to process the information.
'As far as Elise goes, that's your decision.'
Elliot stares off at the black sea and shakes his head, 'I've always found it so hard to say no to her.'
A cloak shields my heart again. Don't fail me now, Elliot!
'So what now?' I try to remain neutral and in control of my emotions – there's jagged edges all around this love, I must beware.
He looks imploringly at me, as though he wants me to tell him what to do.
I stand quietly, keeping my distance though it's killing me. I know Joel would tell me that it has to come from Elliot. And I can trust only his actions. And yet his words weave around my head – 'It was always you I thought I'd marry.' It's not too late. The pact isn't broken. Not yet … Be strong. Choose me!
‘Elliot, you came!'
Suddenly Elise is running towards him.
I want to scream, NO! and wrestle her to the ground, but still she advances. I look at Elliot but I can't read his reaction. What's going on? She's obviously expecting him. They must have had an arrangement. Maybe this is part of the plan she was referring to. So he lied – this wasn't about me at all. The earth seems to shift and I stumble forward, steadying myself on the bench. I feel sick, as though my heart has been poisoned.
'The minister is here.' Elise notifies him. 'He's all ready.'
Minister? It can't be! Are they getting married now? Is that the plan? My mind speeds
out of control – maybe the man from Carmel is a minister. That would certainly explain the scandal. But why introduce them to each other? Maybe it's one of Martha's more abstract suggestions. In this place anything is possible: they'd probably see it as the perfect handing over – old love for new love. Only the old love is looking pretty sprightly and the new love is on shaky ground.
Elliot looks helpless. He doesn't want to marry her, he said that. Apparently that doesn’t mean he won’t.
Suddenly I despise him for being so weak. Is he going to go along with her wishes without a fight? I'd fight! I'd fight right now if only I could be sure I wasn't fighting alone.
As Elise pulls him away towards the main building, he turns back and pleads, 'Wait here.'
Then he's gone.
I've never felt so cold.
What just happened? I feel as if I'm having a series of hallucinations. I can't tell what's real. I don't know what or who to believe. Wait here! he says. Won't be a mo – just getting married. He didn't even give me his jumper this time. I shiver and try to get a grip. Of course he's not getting married. He can't be. I've got it all wrong. He's just … I heave a sigh. As hard as I try, I can't come up with an alternative theory. Then I realize I shouldn't have to. Why didn't he just tell me what's going on? Why did he run when she called?
I feel heat burning up from my stomach. I'm angry. Beyond angry. Incensed! Watch out – I'm summoning my inner goddess! Here she comes now.
'You know what?' I say out loud. 'I've waited ten years for you, Elliot. I'm not waiting any more.’
Chapter 39
I didn't want to break The California Club rules this late in the game but when I double-checked the small print the only condition of my visiting Elise was that I stay overnight. It didn't say where. I chose the car.
And 4am counts as morning, right? I turned on the ignition at the first hint of daylight and drove like the clappers to Tiger Tiger. And I didn't cry. Not once.
My biggest wobble came when I switched to the 10 freeway and saw signs for the airport. ‘I just want to go home!’ my body yearned. But I told myself that comfort was closer to hand – soon I'll have my girls around me. Then I can collapse. But until then I have to hold it together. I overtake a white Ford Focus and move into the fast lane. Before now I've felt timid driving on the freeways, today I dare anyone to cross me. That's the one liberating thing about feeling like this – I've got nothing to lose.
The California Club: LoveTravel Series - USA Page 33