by Cox, Carrie;
I remembered how it felt being so close to him last night. Having him touch me, driving me wild. I could imagine my hands roaming through that silky black hair, pressing my mouth to his and tasting him. That was what I wanted to do right now.
But what if I did something wrong? What if I screwed up?
I couldn’t take this responsibility. It was all too much.
I moved for the exit, almost running. And as soon as the cold night air hit me, I gasped. I clenched my hands into fists and pounded them against the sides of my legs.
Shit, shit, shit.
My head was spinning. I couldn’t handle this. I never asked for this responsibility. Why the hell had no one told me that he’d tried to kill himself?
I was so mad I could scream. My nails were digging into my palms producing little red welts, but I didn’t care.
I stayed out there for at least ten minutes, before I managed to calm myself.
I knew I had to go back inside.
I had to go back in there and pretend that everything was fine, that nothing had changed… when really everything had.
31
For the rest of the night, I somehow managed to keep Joanna’s revelations to myself.
I hardly spoke to Jack. He did notice that I was quieter than usual, but I just told him I was feeling tired after last night, and I think he believed me.
My head was a mess.
I could picture Jack as he was last night, leaning over me, his tight muscles bunched up, supporting his weight, as he had moved forward to kiss me. I tried to remember if I’d seen any scars on his arms, but I was sure they had been as smooth and perfect as the rest of him.
I didn’t think he had cut his wrists, so how had he tried to commit suicide? He could have opted for pills…
I found myself analyzing everything that Jack had said or done over the past few days.
It was horrifying to think that something could have happened to him while I was supposed to be looking after him.
I don’t understand how I was meant to go on as normal now. How could I? What if I did something wrong? What if I screwed up, and he tried again? It would be my fault.
I haven’t exactly been great at this job so far. But now there is so much more at stake.
We didn’t stay long at the party. Alexander and Lauren seemed to be enjoying themselves, but Jack and I were casting our miserable moods over the evening.
On the journey home, I noticed Lauren eyeing me curiously, wanting to know what was wrong.
But I couldn’t tell her. I just couldn’t.
When we got back to the house, I went directly to my room. I stripped off my clothes and slipped beneath the cool, cotton sheets, but I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t.
I just lay there staring up at the ceiling.
I was not any good at this job. I was not trustworthy enough, and I definitely could not be trusted with something this big.
More than anything in the world, I wanted to help Jack, but this I couldn’t deal with. If he killed himself because I messed up, I would never recover from the guilt.
At four am, I finally gave up on sleep.
I slipped out of bed and padded across to the dressing table. Grabbing the iPad I had borrowed from Alexander, I flicked through the apps.
I had to leave. There was no other way out of this mess. I had to book myself a flight home.
The only flight I could get a seat on was one that left at 9 o’clock at night. It totally wiped out my bank account, too. But that was the least of my problems.
After I’d purchased the one-way ticket, I took a long shower, dressed and started to pack. By six am, I was carrying my suitcase down the stairs.
It would be a pain in the ass to wait all day at the airport, but the alternative was to hang around here, and I couldn’t do that. I was a coward.
There was no sign of Maria yet. I wanted to ask her to book me a car to the airport, but I’d forgotten she didn’t start work until seven this morning. I didn’t know the number of any local taxi firms, so I decided to do an internet search.
I found a contact number for a cab firm quickly enough, and thankfully the person I called understood my broken French. I booked the cab for seven-thirty.
I headed into the kitchen to make myself some coffee, when I spotted a pad of paper Maria used for her grocery lists. I was sure she wouldn’t mind me using a few sheets, so I quickly scribbled two notes— one for Lauren and one for Jack.
I didn’t tell them the truth about why I’m leaving because I’m a coward.
Just as I’d finished scrawling my name on the bottom of Jack’s note, I heard footsteps behind me.
I bit down on my lip, horrified at being caught.
It was Alexander. He was obviously starting work early today.
He entered the kitchen but paused when he saw me, then smiled.
“Good Morning, Kristina. You’re up early today.”
I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea how to explain to him my reasons for leaving.
“I have to go back home.” I blurted the words out as quickly as possible and then searched Alexander’s face for his reaction. As always, Alexander wasn’t easy to read.
He had just lifted his coffee cup, but he paused and put it down on the counter. “You’re leaving? When?”
I nodded. “Yes, today. I’m really sorry to leave you in the lurch, but it’s Kate and the baby I…”
Alexander looked concerned. “Is there something wrong with the baby?”
I shook my head. “No, nothing like that. Kate and the baby are fine, but I just want to be there, you know? I should never have come so far away when Kate was pregnant. I’m the only family she has…”
I felt bad about using my sister as an excuse and the shame flooded my cheeks.
“I see.” Alexander turned his attention back to the coffee pot and poured himself another cup, before raising the pot and offering it to me. I shook my head.
“Perhaps you’ll come back after your sister has the baby?”
I hesitated. “Perhaps.”
“Do you need me to organize your flight?”
I shook my head. “No, thank you. It’s already booked.”
Alexander blinked then inclined his head slowly. “I hope you have a pleasant journey. Thank you for all the time you invested, looking after my brother. I know it can’t have been easy.”
I couldn’t speak. I felt like such a traitor.
“Well, I’d better get back to work,” he said, and as I watched him turn away, I realized that this was it. There was no going back now.
“Kristina,” Alexander said after he reached the corner of the room. “If there was anything else wrong, or if you had a problem with Jack, you would tell me, wouldn’t you?”
I wanted to tell him then. I wanted to scream at him and demand to know why he hadn’t told me about Jack’s suicide attempt. At least then I could have been on the lookout for any risky behavior. I’d had no idea I had been dealing with someone who was that mentally fragile.
But I didn’t. I said none of the things I wanted to because I knew that Alexander cared deeply for his brother and only wanted what was best for Jack.
I shook my head. “I’ve got on really well with Jack. It’s just that I’d like to go home and spend some time with my sister now.”
“Okay,” Alexander said. “You’ll be missed. I know Jack really liked having you around.”
He picked up his coffee cup and left the room.
32
The car I had booked arrived at seven-thirty on the dot. I was so relieved I was going to get away before Lauren or Jack confronted me. I’d left the notes in the kitchen, knowing that Maria would pass them on. I couldn’t face saying goodbye to them in person. I was such a coward.
As the driver loaded my luggage into the trunk, I couldn’t help remembering how I’d felt the day I’d arrived here. I had been terrified. Now as I looked back at the marble pillars and the grand entrance, I felt sad to be l
eaving. I was glad Jack’s rooms were at the back of the house. I didn’t want him to hear the car and realize I was leaving.
The weather was a complete contrast to the first day I had arrived. The sun was unbelievably bright and dazzling, mocking me with its cheerfulness.
The driver opened the door for me, and I climbed in to the back seat, craning my head to take one more look at the house.
“Please hurry,” I said to the driver.
If I didn’t get away from here soon, I was in serious danger of crying my eyes out.
I arrived at the airport at just after eight, which was ridiculous. My flight didn’t take off for more than 12 hours.
I couldn’t even check in yet, so I was forced to keep my case with me as I strolled around the small airport entrance. There were a few shops scattered around, but presumably most of the shops and restaurants were located airside. And I couldn’t get to those until after I had checked in.
I spied a small bookstore, and decided that was just what I needed: a couple of books to keep my mind of Jack Harding for the next twelve hours. I kept my fingers crossed that they stocked English-language books.
The airport was busy and like me everyone seemed to have their luggage with them, which made navigating the store’s narrow aisles particularly difficult.
I was heading for the English-language section when the cover of a magazine caught my eye. I reached down with my heart in my mouth.
In a cruel twist of fate, I saw Jack’s face staring back at me from the cover of a gossip magazine. He was holding a huge silver trophy above his head. It must have been taken after one of the many races he’d won last year on his way to winning another world championship. His face shone with happiness.
I wished I’d known that side of Jack. I didn’t know why I was torturing myself, but I took the magazine to the counter with me, along with two romance novels.
It hurt now, but I didn’t want to just forget him. My mother once told me that people came into your life for a reason. Good or bad they made you who you were. I realized now how right she was. For the first time, I understood what she meant. Many different people had touched my life in some way, and everyone had left a mark, but Jack…
Jack had left an indelible brand on my heart, and although it hurt like hell right now, I wouldn’t be without it for the world.
Sometimes love meant letting go, even though I wanted to hold on to him with every last drop of strength in my body.
He’d helped me. While I may not be completely fixed, and I’d never be the same person as I was before the drugs took hold, I was on my way to recovery, and a large part of that was due to Jack.
I would never regret the time I’d spent with him. I was only sorry I couldn’t have helped him as much as he’d helped me.
I holed myself up in a little seating area near the check-in desks, shifting continually on the hard plastic seat and trying to get comfortable.
I took my jacket out of my suitcase, so I would be ready for the cooler Rhode Island weather. I tried to concentrate on one of the romance novels I’d picked up, but my mind kept wandering.
The minutes seemed to crawl by.
After an hour on the hard seat, my ass was numb so I got up to stretch and walk around.
I strolled around the airport, circling the few shops, growing more and more melancholy. I bought a sandwich for lunch but I barely touched it. I had no appetite.
Finally it was time for me to check-in. The light was fading outside, and I got up from my seat and try to stretch out some of the kinks in my neck.
My hands were shaking as I took out my e-ticket reference and headed towards the check-in counter. I watched as one of the women standing in line in front of me heaved her case onto the scales and then handed over her passport and ticket to the man behind the counter.
Within seconds, her case had disappeared and the man handed her a boarding card.
It was almost my turn.
I looked up at the clock. I had less than two hours before my flight took off. Soon I would be through security and into departures. There would be no going back.
If it didn’t hurt so much, I would laugh at myself. I really was pathetic.
I’m waiting for something to happen. I’m desperate for this to be a scene in a movie. I want Jack to whirl into the airport and tell me not to go. I never thought I was the mushy, romantic type. I might enjoy romance novels, but I was a realist. He wasn’t going to come, and I would never see him again.
I tried to pull myself together. But it was so hard.
I knew he was not going to turn up, so why was I putting myself through this?
Another couple had checked in and the queue moved forward.
I stared up at the clock. Another minute had passed. I bit my lip. Why couldn’t I just accept it? He never promised me anything.
This was for the best. A clean break was exactly what I needed.
Another woman collected her boarding card, and I leaned down to pick up my case. I was next.
I had just taken a step forward when I heard a voice behind me … a voice I recognized.
But it wasn’t the voice I’d been longing to hear.
I turned. It was Lauren, standing behind me with her hands on her hips.
She looked majorly pissed.
I braced myself, ready for her to tear strips off me.
“I’m about to check in,” I said. “I’m sorry. Don’t be mad, Lauren. It just all got too much.”
She shook her head, ignoring my words. “You need to come back with me.”
“I can’t.” I took a step closer to the counter.
“Hey, are you in line, or what?” an angry woman said behind me.
I waved her in front of me. “Sorry. You go first.”
I stepped out of the queue. “I’m sorry, Lauren. I shouldn’t have left without saying goodbye. That was a crappy thing to do. But I can’t cope with this job… I need to go home.”
“You have to come back now…”
I shook my head. She was crazy. I couldn’t go back. Not when it had been so hard for me to leave in the first place.
Lauren clutched my arm. “You don’t understand. It’s Jack. He’s gone missing.”
33
My mouth was so dry, I couldn’t even swallow let alone speak at first.
“Jack? What’s happened to him?”
Lauren looped her arm through mine and grabbed my hand luggage. “I’ll tell you on the way, come on.”
I picked up my luggage and followed her. The corner of the suitcase, bumped painfully against my shins as I dodged the crowds of people around the exit and tried to keep up with Lauren.
She led me to the waiting chauffeur-driven Mercedes, and we scrambled inside.
As the car sped away from the airport, I turned to Lauren. My heart was pounding, and all I could think about was what Joanna had said to me last night. But surely Jack wouldn’t…
“Tell me,” I demanded.
“He was in a foul mood this morning when Maria gave him your note. Then later, I overheard an argument between Jack and Alexander. When Jack found out you had told Alexander you were leaving and Alexander hadn’t told him… I’ve never seen anyone so mad. He went ballistic. After that he went for a walk.”
Lauren paused to take a breath. “No one has seen him since.”
I let Lauren’s words sink in and I felt sick. If something had happened to Jack, I would never forgive myself. Never.
“Alexander is beside himself… He told me that Jack once tried to…”
“Kill himself,” I said the words Lauren was struggling over.
“You knew?” Lauren turned around in the back seat to look at me. “Why didn’t you say something?”
I shook my head. Everything was spiraling out of control. “I only found out last night,” I said, quietly. “Joanna told me. I freaked out. You know what I’m like, Lauren. I can’t even fix myself, so how the hell could I help him. I was so scared I would mess everything
up, and if anything happened to Jack…”
I can’t finish the rest of the sentence. My throat tightened and I thought I was going to be sick. I pressed the button on the door to lower the window, and I sucked in huge lungfuls of the salty sea air.
Lauren looked as shell-shocked as I felt. “Maybe he just needed some space… He’s probably fine.”
I stared out of the window as the car sped along the cliff road.
Please let him be okay. Please.
“This is my fault,” I said. “I should never have left like this. I was thinking of myself. I’m just not strong enough for this.”
A single tear trickled down my cheek.
Lauren reached across and held my hand. “You are. You just don’t know how strong you really are. No one does until being strong is the only choice they have. He really means a lot to you, doesn’t he?”
I nodded miserably. “Yes, but it could never work.”
“Why?” Lauren sounded angry. “How do you know if you don’t take a chance? If you don’t fight for something you want, you can’t cry when you don’t get it. Don’t run away from this, Kristina. If there is one thing I’ve learned over the past two years, it’s that no one can outrun their problems. Not even you.”
I wanted to ask Lauren what she meant. What problems had she tried to outrun? But my mind was reeling. I’d monumentally screwed up. I’d left Jack when he needed me most. If I got another chance at this, I promised myself I would never leave him voluntarily again.
***
When we reached the house, I left my luggage in the car and ran inside with Lauren. Maria, obviously on the lookout for us, met us at the entrance.
“It’s okay,” she said. “Alexander found him. He’s fine.”
A rush of emotion overwhelmed me and I couldn’t reply. I blinked away my tears and tried to control myself.
Lauren placed a hand to her chest. “Oh, thank God. Where are they?”
“In the garden,” Maria said. She touched my arm before pulling me into a hug. The kindness of her gesture almost broke me. “I’m glad you’re back,” she whispered.