by Cameron Jace
As he speaks, I realize I’m not under the Lullaby pill’s influence now. My mind reels with memories. A lot of them now. I think I know who I am. I think I know what happened. But it can’t be true. It just can’t be.
Better listen to what the doctor has to say.
“I think the Lullaby pill was an early call,” he says. “I should have waited a little longer.”
“Why? What are you talking about?”
“I understand if you don’t remember correctly. I also understand if your memories seem a little shuffled. Fact and fiction will meld into each other. But it will only take a few moments before you remember.”
“Remember what?” The headache is killing me once. The memories twice.
“Remember who you really are.” He slightly rocks in his chair. He seems satisfied with this conversation.
“Who in the world am I?” I tilt my head and stare into the darkness he is hiding behind. Imagine you stare into a mirror and all you see is black. “Answer me!”
“Who do you think you are?”
Playing games again. The tobacco smells like the Pillar’s smoke. I know that much now. Is that possible? “Who am I?” My voice is weakening. I don’t want to start sobbing. Everyone deserves to know who they are.
“You are who think you are?” he repeats.
“What’s this supposed to mean? Are you saying I’m not the Real Alice?”
“On the contrary,” the voice says. “You’re the Real Alice. Always was. Always will be. And that may be the problem.”
I dismiss his last sentence. I feel healthier in my body all of a sudden, because he said I’m the Real Alice. It’s all that mattered to me from the beginning.
“Say it again, please.”
He laughs. “You’re the Real Alice. Don’t doubt that.”
“And you are?” I squint at the darkness. “It’s you, the Pillar, right? For some nonsensical reason you played this game with me. Maybe you wanted to make sure I was up to the mission of saving lives. Right? Please tell me I’m right. Tell me you’re the Pillar. I won’t hold grudges. Just get over with it.”
The silence that follows is so profound I am aware of my beating heart. The rocking chair bends forward, just a little. Smoke drifts near my face and the voice speaks to me: “No, Alice. I’m not the Pillar. You can call me Mr. Jay.”
Chapter 52
THE PRESENT: TOM QUAD, OXFORD
Professor Carter Pillar sat on the bank in the middle of the empty quad. The sky was grey, the color of dull lives, and the rain fell like drops of unmet hopes from the sky.
Every student had left the university by this time. Everyone preferred to stay home on a day like this. A strange day, indeed. The Pillar didn’t mind. He had been used to a certain amount of loneliness in the past. It wasn’t always bad. Sometimes it helped him clear his mind.
He sat, fiddling with the watch in his hand.
Soon Fabiola would come. Soon everything would change. Soon she’d spit and shout in his face like she always did. But this time it was going to be the darkest hour for both of them. Soon it was going to be really hard to take sides in the Wonderland Wars.
Oh, how good and evil interjected in every aspect of life. Who was really good and who was bad? That should have been Hamlet’s most daring question, not “to be or not to be.”
In the middle of the rain, the Pillar pulled out a yellow piece of paper. With a ballpoint pen, he wrote something on it. One word. That was all it took. He folded the paper and tucked it back in his pocket, patted it a couple of times, closed his eyes, and let the rain wash over him.
He stared once more at his watch. It was time already.
The yellow paper in his pocket felt good. So good. Because the one word he’d written on it — it was all that mattered. The one word was the Pillar’s Wonder.
Chapter 53
THE PAST: PSYCHIATRY ROOM, RADCLIFFE ASYLUM, OXFORD
“Why do people call you Mr. Jay?” I say. “How do I know you?”
“We’ve known each other for a long time, Alice,” he says. “A little after the circus in Wonderland.”
“You were at the Circus?”
“Not exactly. But we’ll get into that later.”
“Later when?”
“After the Lullaby’s effect totally withers away.”
“Why did you give it to me, then, when it messed with my head so much?”
“I didn’t really give it to you,” he says.
“Who did, then?”
“It was Waltraud who popped it down your throat.” He pauses for a smoke. “But the real question is: whose idea was it to give you the pill?”
“Whose idea was it?” I realize I already know the answer. It’s slowly coming back to me, like a gathering of million crows veiling my soul with darkness.
“You asked for the Lullaby pill, Alice.”
“Me?”
“Yes. It was you.”
“I think I remember that now,” I say. The words are too heavy on my tongue. “I don’t quite remember why.”
“It’s a bit complicated,” Mr. Jay says. “I can’t imagine why, too. But it was your call. And I wouldn’t deny you anything you wish for, not after all you have done for me.”
“For you? What have I done?”
“You killed everyone on the bus, Alice,” Mr. Jay says. “You have no idea how much I’m pleased.”
Slivers of memories flash before my eyes. I can see clearer now. No rabbit was driving the bus. Not even Carolus Ludovicus, w;hom I saw embarking the bus in an earlier vision while I was in Mushroomland.
It was me who killed everyone on the bus. Always me. And I loved it.
“If you hadn’t killed them we’d never have a chance to win the Wonderland Wars,” he says. “Of course, it’s still a long shot to actually win the war and embrace the world with madness. But we’d never have the slightest of hopes if you haven’t helped.”
This is when I wish my bed were my coffin. I wish I’d sink deep into the dirt, deep enough to hide from the truth. “I helped you in winning the Wonderland Wars?” I remember the Reds in the future telling me they weren’t going to kill me. That Mr. Jay had advised against it. It just can’t be. I think I know now why I live in a Wonderland Compound in the future, and why Tom Truckle wouldn’t tell me why he led the revolution, not me.
“The best help we ever had,” Mr. Jay says.
“What do you mean when you say ‘we’? Whom did I help? Who are you?”
The man lets out a brief chuckle, one that cuts through my veins. “Black Chess, Alice. Black Chess.”
Chapter 54
Sometimes the truth is a slow burn of continuous pain. The longer it takes to reveal, the more it cuts through. A sword’s stroke is always merciful; a thousand small cuts are the real torture.
“Are you saying I’m…”
“Yes, you are, Alice,” Mr. Jay says. “Once the Lullaby’s effect leaves you, you will remember you’re one of us.”
All the tears in the world can’t baptize me now.
“We’ve been planning the bus accident for years. It was our best plan. And, of course, only you could do it, but let’s not get into why only you could do it now,” Mr. Jay says. “The Real Alice whom everyone in Wonderland feared. The one and only.”
“Feared?”
“Oh, girl. The heads you chopped off. The blood you shed.” Mr. Jay is overly impressed. He may be my boss, but he is fascinated by me. “Carroll had a point, making everyone forget your face. This, or every Wonderlander would have spent the rest of their lives crapping in their pants, remembering you.”
I’m darkness wrapped in black blood, dipped into the abyss of the deepest ocean. “So the whole search for the Real Alice wasn’t to find the girl who will save the world?”
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about. No one’s really searching now, but they surely will in the future,” Mr. Jay says. “The Inklings will gather someday. Some kind of prophecy. But they’ll be too late.
”
“So the Inklings fear me, too?”
“Some of them do,” he says. “Some of them foolishly think you can be converted. But I know you will never do that. You’re Black Chess’s most precious warrior.”
“Why do you doubt that?”
“Let’s face it, Alice. You’ve done things that can’t be forgiven. Remember messing with Carroll’s mind, splitting his self in two, and creating the Carolus part in him? It was genius.”
“I did that?”
“You fed him a heavy dose of Lullaby pills, mixed with the Executioner’s drugs, until the man collapsed. He collapsed so hard he made a deal with his split image to kill himself through you.”
The curtains fall. I have nothing to say. The play is over. And when the curtains are draped, there will be no audience left to applaud. Because I may have killed them all.
“Let’s not think about this now,” he says. “I’m really curious why you wanted to take the Lullaby pills after all you’ve done.”
This, I don’t remember. If I was this dark beast of Wonderland, why’d I ask to forget what I had done later? Maybe some part of me, a small one, though, realized the gruesomeness of what I had done. A part that couldn’t go on being the Real Evil Alice anymore. A part of me that longed for redemption. A part that wanted to forget through a Lullaby pill. A part of me that preferred I’d spend the rest of my life in an asylum. Better mad than being the Real Alice.
I really hope this tiny part is still inside me somewhere.
Chapter 55
THE PRESENT: MARGARET’S OFFICE, PARLIAMENT
The call came while Margaret was staring at her reflection in the mirror, wondering if she was really as beautiful as she managed to fake.
“Margaret speaking.”
“It’s done,” Carolus answered.
“Are you sure?”
“We should celebrate,” he said. “She is the Real Alice. And she knows it. She is one of us.”
Margaret’s smile almost messed with her surgical beauty. She was advised against smiling too much and stretching out her Botox festival. But she couldn’t help it. This was the moment everyone in Black Chess had waited for. This was the moment the Queen would be forced to give her back what she had taken from her.
“Of course Alice is back,” she said. “One of us. No one can stop us from winning the war anymore.”
No one can stop me from taking what belongs to me.
Chapter 56
THE PRESENT: BUCKINGHAM PALACE, LONDON
The Queen received a similar call, from the Cheshire this time.
“Margaret doesn’t know I’ve called you,” the Cheshire said. “She will try to keep the news from you, so you’ll give her back what she wants.”
“Don’t worry about the ugly Duchess.” The Queen was Caucus-racing in her chamber. A known Wonderlastic way of celebration. You run in place, expecting to win a race, only to realize you’re stuck where you are because fate is chaining your feet. “Just tell me she is the Real Alice.”
“She is.”
“Holy Mushrooms and Wonderland Lilies!” She gasped. “It’s her. All that I’ve been waiting for. Are you sure? I mean, is she still the nasty, unforgiving, ruthless girl we’ve always known?”
“Too soon to tell. But Mrs. Tock confirmed what she saw in the past. She even saw her meeting with Mr. Jay.”
“Then it’s her. Damn you, Lewis, for erasing her image from our minds. We could have found her earlier. Tell me, Cheshire, how is she taking it?”
“Mrs. Tock says the girl is pretty shocked. There is still that small part of her that wishes she could redeem herself, but I think it’s too small to have an effect on her when she comes back to the present.”
“I wouldn’t dismiss this part.” The Queen rubbed her chin. “From what I understand now, she asked for the pill after the bus accident. She does have that goodie-goodie part in her. It must be suppressed.”
“I believe this is what she did,” the Cheshire said. “Mrs. Tock believes Alice took incredible doses of Lullaby pills so she’d forget who she is.”
“We’ll know the rest of the truth eventually,” the Queen said. “Now, you have to make sure Mrs. Tock and Mr. Tick bring her back.”
“It won’t be easy, as she still has to find her Wonder to return.”
The Queen went silent. Margaret’s plan wasn’t perfect after all. They had dug a hole for themselves by tricking Alice into needing her Wonder to survive. “I don’t care,” she said. “I want my Real Alice back. I need her so we win the war. Fix it.”
“I’ll see what we can do. How about the keys?”
“She is the Real Alice. She will find them. All that matters is bringing her back now!”
The Queen hung up and then paced left and right, her dogs following her everywhere. “Think. Think. Think,” she told herself, knowing that thinking wasn’t her best talent. “Guards!”
A few of them arrived immediately.
“I want you to chop off the heads of a thousand lions,” she ordered. “Find them. Buy them. Chop them off. This is the most festive day of my life. Understood?”
“Where do we find the lions, My Queen?” a guard asked.
“You find the lions where everyone finds the lions.”
“Which is where, exactly?” the guard asked.
“Stupid guards.” The Queen jumped atop a chair and yelled at him, “Did you ever see a lion?”
“Yes.”
“Where?”
“On TV.”
“That’s why you don’t know where lions are. This is what TV does to you, younger generation. Now go chop off the heads of a thousand lions.”
The guard shrugged. “I’m sorry, My Queen. But where do I find the lions, again?”
The Queen stamped her feet, risking the unbalancing of the chair. “Where lions always are. The cages of a zoo. Don’t you know that they like to live in cages and have people watching them all the time?”
“Of course, My Queen,” the puzzled guards said, and left the room.
The Queen began itching her chin. “What will I do with Alice when she comes back?” She jumped off the chair and talked to her dogs, whose ears stood erect. “I’m sure she will help us win the war. But if there is still that nagging part in her longing for redemption, what should I do with her? I need to protect myself.”
She paced more and more. Swallowed a few nuts. Choked on one. Spat it out, and a dog caught it. “Damn you, Pillar.” The Queen halted in the middle of her chamber. “That’s why you got into the asylum, you devious butterfly. You knew it was her. You wanted to convert her against us.” She walked to her balcony for a fresher breath of air. “I think I’ll have to find a way to keep the Real Alice away after I use her to win the war.”
And then the Queen had an idea. “What about a compound? The Wonderland Compound. Where all those who help me win the war will enjoy immunity against the madness in the world.” She clicked her fingers and jumped atop the balcony’s rail. “I’m a genius. Alice, like any other girl, will want to get married and have kids. I’ll get a boy to seduce her, impregnate her, and then she will be knee-deep in her personal troubles. I’ll offer her a lavish life in the compound. A life she will never refuse. What a plan!”
Chapter 57
THE PRESENT: TOM QUAD
Fabiola arrived on time, shivering underneath a black umbrella. The rain was still pouring. The Pillar stood up. He felt for her. The tension in her eyes told him she knew. There was no going back now.
“Does it make a difference if I tell you I hate you again?” she said.
“Hating someone never makes a difference,” the Pillar said. “Loving someone does.”
“Shut up, or I’ll stab you with my Vorpal sword.”
“I know you’re capable of that, and even worse,” the Pillar said. “I just don’t know why you haven’t stabbed me yet.”
“Why, Carter?” she pleaded. “Why did you wake her up? She had chosen to stay mad and save the world
from her wrath.”
“Everyone deserves a second chance.”
“Don’t feed me your lies, not after all that you have done in the past.”
“Everyone deserves a second chance,” the Pillar said again. His tone the same. He wanted to pass a message. Sometimes you had to tell people twice to get them out of their heads.
“She is beyond redemption.”
“Says the White Queen who killed millions and resorted to becoming a nun?”
“I killed in the name of glory.” She gritted her teeth. “I killed to save children from Wonderland Monsters. I killed for the Inklings, not Black Chess. For a good cause.”
“So says the religious bomber who explodes a school bus full of kids every day. We can justify all we want. The truth will remain blurry, and we can only trust our hearts.”
“So that’s it? You believed in your heart when you woke the dark Alice up, made a paper-thin hero out of her.”
“Yes, Fabiola. All you have to do is look at her. Just look without prejudice. She can do it.”
“Do what?” Fabiola asked. “Don’t you remember what she did after the Circus?”
“Funny how were remember what she did, but don’t remember her.”
“Stop messing with my mind. She went bonkers. The darkest Wonderland Monster of all.”
“You’re talking about the circus, which you helped her to find in the vision when she was in the Garden of Cosmic Speculation.”
“I did it to prove she wasn’t the Real Alice.”
“Liar,” the Pillar said. “You did it to prove she was the Real Alice, so you could kill her. Or you did it because you believed in this delusional girl who had magically saved so many lives in so few weeks.”
Fabiola shrugged, drops of rain splashing on her nose. “And you fooled us all. You fed us all these lies about her being a hero.”