Riley looked at me, expecting I was going to hand my smokes over to him. Think again. I wasn't in the mood. "Supermarket's right over there," I said, pointing. "They sell cigarettes and all. Give it a try. It might actually give you some pride to fend for yourself."
Riley narrowed his eyes. "So nasty." He turned to Wyatt. "Give her some chemicals and she completely turns around, becomes downright affectionate."
I didn't know what to say. He was beyond rude talking about me like that, in such derogatory terms, right in front of me. "It takes chemicals to look past your personality, Riley," I bit back.
He turned his attention on me, giving me his full attention, like he would intimidate me with his stare. "Doesn't it bother you that you're so different when your inhibitions are down? You completely change. What does that say about you? Does that mean you're running around with a front every single day? I mean, you don't know what the fuck you're doing, do you?"
Angry heat flared up my entire body. I rose sharply and walked inside. How could he stand his own company? He had absolutely no redeeming qualities. And the nasty viciousness. I was sick of it. I was sick of him, fed up with having to worry about what he was saying all the time.
Briskly, I returned to my register, but his vile comments were still rolling around in my head. Seriously, where did he get off accusing me of shit? He was the one who was a total ass-hat.
"You alright?" Mia asked. "You look a bit green."
The guy you're so obsessed with just ripped into me, I wanted to yell, and he's a nasty piece of shit. None of this I said; instead, "I'm fine," I said when I clearly wasn't. I was fighting tears—just the tension for the last few days building up. I hated being here. I hated everything about this. But technically I couldn't really blame anyone else, because I was the one who had taken drugs and thought sleeping with Riley was a good idea. No one had held a gun to my head. And now a tentative work environment had turned positively septic. And it was all my fault. It wasn't like Riley had deceived me. He'd been the same dick as day one.
This all sucked. "I'm going to get some…" I didn't bother finishing the sentence—couldn't be fucked finding an excuse for walking out back. I just needed a bit of time alone. Everything was overwhelming me at the moment and I hadn't even had time to process the things he'd accused me of.
I ducked into the dry store and closed the door behind me, sitting down on a box, finally away from prying eyes and malicious intents. With a groan, I sunk my head down into my hands. I couldn't handle this day, and night. Maybe I needed to quit. I'd have no money. I was supposed to be saving for college, but there was only so much shit I could put up with.
Why couldn't today just be over? I wanted to sit on my couch and watch stupid TV and not think about any of these assholes.
The door mechanism popped. Someone was coming in. "Get out," I yelled, but the door kept sliding aside. See, no one had the consideration to do anything remotely nice here.
Julian stepped inside. I straightened. It hadn't even occurred to me that he might be the person stepping in here. Ella maybe, Riley as the worst possible outcome. Julian stopped and considered me for a moment like he'd just stumbled across an injured animal and now he didn't know how to get out of it. "Hiding in the dry store?"
I was too raw to hide how crap I was feeling. "I just need a moment," I said, feeling embarrassed and useless. "Just one of those days when the moon's all wrong and so is everyone else."
He crossed his arms and leaned back on the metal-covered wall, probably trying to decide what his managerial duties were in cases like this. I just wanted him to leave so I could continue my sulk. It really wasn't something I wanted an audience for.
Taking a step to the door, he slide it closed then turned back to me. Why? I wanted to whine.
* * *
Chapter 23:
* * *
Julian sat down, leaning against the metal shelving, his long legs stretching out and crossing at the ankle. He crossed his arms again. "Would hate to think you were thinking about quitting."
"Things have just gotten complicated."
"Things always get complicated."
I didn't want logic right now; I wanted to sulk in my own misery, but he was kind of calling me on my childishness, not that I necessarily appreciated it.
"So what's up?" he finally said.
"Just things getting tense."
"With Riley?"
I so hadn't known Julian had been aware of that. And now I blushed.
"Hence the reason you don't get involved with your coworkers."
That was rich advice coming from him. "You kind of have."
"Yes, I suppose so."
"Suppose so? The way I've heard it, you've slept with every girl here."
"Obviously not everyone," he said pointedly.
"Why do you do it when you, out of everyone, can be fired for it?"
He looked at me for a moment. "It's not actually something I plan. And as for getting fired… ” He shrugged. “You have to create a place you can tolerate. If it doesn’t work out, there are a hundred jobs just like this one and I would simply step into another. I suppose that is the benefit of working in an area no one really wants to be in. I don't mean to sound cavalier about it, but it's true. I don't do this kind of work because I want to care deeply about my job."
"Then why do you do it?"
"Maybe for that reason. I don't want to feel beholden to a job. Of the things I want to really care about, work isn't one of them."
"Isn't it something you're supposed to be passionate about?" I said, shifting uncomfortably on my box.
"If we are going to have a philosophical discussion about life, I am going to need some help." Julian half smiled and looked down, pulling a small joint out of his pocket. "Do you mind?"
I shook my head.
"The extraction fan gets rid of the smell," he said. He lit it and it crackled and he drew the smoke in, holding it for a moment. "This is what I do when I have complicated days. It is perhaps cliché as a coping mechanism, but it works well."
"Didn't take you for a smoker."
"I don't dedicate my life to the stuff, but there are occasions when it's very helpful. Do you want some?"
I really did, to slip into mellowness and lose this agitation. "Last time I took drugs I ended up sleeping with someone."
Julian smiled and took another drag. Cloying sweetness filled the storage room. "Fine," I said, "just a little." I reached across for the joint and he handed it to me. The smoke stung my throat and I fought the urge to exhale as soon as possible. I was only going to have a little bit, just to take the edge off a shitty day. "Here's to self-medicating."
Taking a deep breath, I shifted off the box and sat down on the floor, leaning against the opposite shelving unit. I felt myself starting to relax and Julian's eyes were growing a bit glassy, dark as black marbles in this light. I felt like I was watching something very private: Julian a bit undone. He was normally so remote and untouchable.
"Riley is a dick because he's scared," Julian finally said, looking me straight in the eyes. "He figures if he gets you first, you won't have the opportunity to get him—no matter what he dresses it up like."
"I'm not actually out to get him. His behavior only makes you want to get him though, doesn't it?"
"Ultimately self-defeating. He picks on you especially though."
This was news to me. I'd thought he'd acted like this with everyone at first. Both Ella and Mia had said he'd been a dick to them. "Well, he can stick it."
"Good for you," Julian said. Silence stretched.
"Did you really sleep with Deseree?"
Julian smiled, his head leaning back on the shelving. "I did." He twisted his hand. "It was just one of those things."
She's married, I wanted to accuse, but I didn't end up saying it.
"Don't judge," he said. "You've never walked in her shoes and you don't understand the unrelenting pressure she puts herself under. Pressure I refuse to put myself
under, I admit."
"You mean a family?"
"I don't mean that. Alright, I might not have three kids, but neither am I chasing a dream. Let's not talk about Deseree. Deseree has it rough, but she is partially responsible for her own construct."
I didn't know what he meant, but had myself been victim of Deseree's frantic grumpiness. There was a certain hopelessness there too that I didn't want to delve into.
"And Ella," I said.
"Ella is so beautiful and completely unaware of it."
"Come on, if anyone knows how to make herself gorgeous, its Ella. I hardly think she's unaware."
He didn't say anything, just considered me. "So what are you going to do with Riley?"
"Nothing," I said. "I am so beyond done with this bullshit. He can go abuse someone else. Mia's lining up for some reason."
"Guys have a habit of doing that, thinking if someone is fine with how we are, they must be defective in some way."
"That sets up a bit of an unwinnable dilemma."
"Maybe why we're all so fucked up."
"Is that why you're still single, because you think anyone who would want you is defective?"
He smirked. "You know, we’re aware what vile creatures we are. We're big and clumsy, ugly and stupid, and by some miracle you let us near you and we probably can't understand why when it comes down to it. It's all we want, you know, to be near you. You're light and beautiful, you smell so wonderful.” He paused, his eyes distant. “I love women. I mean I love women. Everything about you. The way you smell. Your smile, the way you move. The feel of your skin. The insane beauty of your thighs. The way your breast wobbles with your heartbeat. There is nothing about you I don't love and I am still amazed you will tolerate us anywhere near you."
On some level, the turn of this conversation was a bit much, but on another, it was exactly what I'd been asking to hear—brutal honesty, because for a long time I'd wondered what the hell boys thought of us. Warmth flushed up my body at the images conjured in my head.
"Don't put up with someone who doesn't see that. You are too perfect the way you are. I hate what this society does to women, pulling and jerking you in all different directions, trying to hammer you into believing you're not good enough."
No one had ever spoken to me like this before and nothing about it felt contrived or cheesy. Problem was, no one around me saw me that way. Sadness washed over me. No, I didn't get that. I got someone like Riley, who tried to tear me down every chance he got, just like my boyfriend before that. Ella's fuck for a boyfriend was even worse. Why couldn't the world be like that, like Julian said, where we were just accepted, maybe even adored? From what I’d seen, Julian’s point of view was unique. Was that the only choices, be torn down or be a tyrant like Deseree?
"Don’t look so distressed," Julian said, moving closer, placing his hand on my arm.
"I'm just worried nothing is ever going to come right, you know. We're raised to believe that everything will be wonderful, but then we get here, grown up, and men hate us, we're just monkeys for the grind, appreciated for nothing. The world isn't a wonderful place. There isn't going to be someone who comes along and helps us find the path we were meant for. We're just sucked up and used up until there is nothing left."
I wanted Julian to tell me I was wrong. He exhaled, and looked at me. "You just have to find a path you can live with. Know what you're signing up for, and maybe every once in a while give someone the benefit of a doubt. Know when you find the good stuff."
"How do I know it isn't going to turn around and stab me in the back?" That was more often than not my experience.
"That isn't your responsibility. You just watch out for the things you can control. That’s all."
It sounded so common sense when he said it. Listening to him, it was like everything would come right. He made me feel like that, like everything would be alright. I saw now why everyone was so into him. He had a way of putting things into perspective, and he didn’t hate women. He loved women and he was open enough to be honest about it. He accepted me for exactly who I was. I didn’t need to change in his eyes. That was incredibly hot.
Slowly, I reached over and pressed my lips to his. It was a risk, but he didn’t balk at it. His lips were soft, but he didn't kiss me back for a moment. A raging fear that I was being rejected flashed through my mind, but finally he relented, kissing me back. Opening his mouth, his tongue played with mine. His hands drew me close.
He tasted sweet and the sounds of the kisses echoed off the metal walls. This was softness; this was the good stuff. I wanted more. The kiss broke and his breath stroked my cheek. He was looking into my eyes fully. His were dark and deep, and there was nothing in there that I had to be scared of. No recriminations, no victory, just presence.
I knew I could take this further in that moment; he would let me if I pushed, but I didn’t want to push. I wasn’t interested in just some fumble in the dark. Let’s be straight, I wasn’t opposed to a fumble in the dark, but I wanted a bit more.
Julian might be disposed to consoling distraught girls, but I was actually interested in him beyond that. Could we possibly be an item? How cool would it be to be with him? It was a possibility. Perhaps it took a kiss to light that fire in me, but it was lit.
I smiled like I was sharing a secret. I think he’d liked that kiss too. He was just watching me, his eyes traveling down to my lips. I was beautiful in his eyes. That was quite something. His thumb stroked across the back of my hand and then he exhaled slowly.
There was definitely something here, something that could develop. My mind was spinning with the possibilities. Could Julian and I really be an item? And it wouldn’t be a constrained thing like Ella treated it as. She didn’t see what a gem he was; her loss. I wanted more, I wanted hanging out alone, the two of us.
Running his hand through his hair, he considered me. I wondered what he was thinking. Was it anything like my thoughts, which went: I thought I wouldn’t mind not going home tonight. It was both the oddest and most natural thing, and I didn't regret this development for a minute. I wasn't plagued by guilt or worry, or even self-loathing. It was just a beautiful thing—a hopeful thing.
“Uhm,” I said. “What are you doing later?”
“What did you have in mind?”
Sex, I didn’t say, Oh my God, don’t stop sex. So yes, I really wanted to spend some time with him later than night, after work. My body was tightening with the thoughts of it. I was just a little too chicken to propose it.
“Come on,” he said, standing up, still holding my hand. “Today is not a good day for decisions.”
What did that mean? Maybe he was referring to the little meltdown I’d had a very short while ago. Turns out a meltdown can lead you to an unexpected new chapter.
He was tall when he reached for me, pulling me close so he could kiss me on the forehead. Then he smiled in that rather enigmatic way he did and pulled the door aside, stepping out. I bit my lip and drew a deep breath. Was this a promise of a new start? I hoped so.
* * *
Chapter 24:
* * *
It felt a little weird just resuming the evening after such a complete meltdown and also getting to know Julian in a more intimate sense. We’d made out and yes, I was hankering for more. I didn't regret it, but some concerns were now starting to creep in, predominantly around Ella. I'd already pissed off Mia, and now there was a good chance I had done it to Ella too.
I sneaked a peek at her, but she was busy clearing tables. It wouldn’t have gone unnoticed that Julian and I had had some alone time in the dry store, which technically hadn’t been completely innocent. In fact, everyone would probably know and assumed Julian had done what he tended to do, and I wasn’t strictly opposed to them thinking so—I’d been thinking so, and maybe once tonight was through, their assumption would be correct. I was just a bit classier than dropping my drawers in a storage area. Well, I liked thinking so anyway—at least when relatively coherent mentally.
>
I took some orders, but when there was a lull I walked out the back and continued out to the outside service area. The chair creaked when I sat down and crossed my legs. It felt a little cooler tonight, or maybe it was me. For once I was resisting the urge to whip a cigarette out, but I had to admit I had no idea how to do this quit smoking thing. Just wanting to didn't seem to work.
In all honesty, I just wanted work to be over and I didn’t want to think about how I ended up making out with someone any time I did drugs. Yes, I was that girl, apparently.
My watch only showed a few minutes passing. Hiding out here was achieving nothing; it certainly wasn't making the time fly. A big rush of customers would help.
Rising with a stretch, I returned inside, the brightness accosting my eyes after the darkness outside. I made my way to the kitchen to see if the salad I left yesterday was any good. I felt like I could use some nutrients and was doing my best to stay away from chocolate.
"Riley was completely wrong saying the stuff he did to you," Wyatt said as I stood by the sink. Again, I was surprised Wyatt didn't automatically take Riley's side.
"He is a giant asshole, but what else is new?"
"It just wasn't right." If Wyatt was aware of me spending time with Julian in the dry store, he didn't mention it. It would be nice to think no one had noticed, but then this was a place where everyone seemed to know each other's business. It was none of their business.
I smiled tightly, appreciating him telling me he felt I had been badly treated. With a nod he left.
The salad was wilted. Maybe I should just go get some fries and overlook my higher ambitions. Turning, I headed out of the lunch room, but Riley stepped into the doorway. I went to pass, but he put his arm up, blocking it completely. He didn't say anything, just stood there looking down his nose at me. His expression was cold, like he was disappointed in me. Clearly, he realized what I'd been doing in the dry store, or assumed worse. What right did he have to be pissed off? Did he think I would just stick around and revel in him being a complete ass-wipe to me? No, moved on to bigger and better—a whole lot better, because there was apparently the rare guy out there who had your back and meant you well. Wasn't that something? "Excuse me," I said tersely.
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