They went back to the hotel after lunch and hung out at the pool for a while. The girls swam while Peter and Tanya lay on lounge chairs and talked. He ordered a screwdriver, which was unusual for him, and Tanya was still worried about him. She had the feeling that he was panicked about her. The less he said, the more upset she felt.
“I'm coming home when this is all over, sweetheart. I don't like it here. I'm here to work, and that's it. I love our life in Marin.”
“You think that now, Tan. But you'll be bored out of your mind there after this. And the girls will be gone next year. You'll have nothing to do.”
“I'll have you,” she said gently. “And our life. My writing. This isn't a life here, Peter. It's a joke. I just wanted the experience of doing a screenplay for a movie. You're the one who told me to do it.” She reminded him of that, and he nodded, but he was sorry now he had. He was only just beginning to realize the risk he had taken. He looked worried all the time.
“It scares me now, Tan. For us. I just can't see you feeling the same about anything after this is over.” He looked near tears as he said it, and she was shocked. She had never seen him look so shaken.
“How shallow do you think I am?” she asked unhappily. “Why do you think I come home on weekends? Because I love it there, and I love you. That's my home. This is my job.”
“Okay,” he said, taking a breath, wanting to believe her. He thought she meant what she was saying. He just didn't know how long she would feel like that. Sooner or later the life she was living here would get to her, he thought, and it would dawn on her that the world was her oyster, and her old life in Marin wasn't enough. He didn't want that to happen, but he couldn't imagine now that it wouldn't. He hadn't fully understood until then what her life would be like in L.A. while working on the movie. It was a lot more glamorous than he had thought. It was hard to compete with all that.
The girls got out of the pool and joined them then, and they couldn't pursue the conversation, which was just as well. They were going around in circles, and Tanya could see that Peter still wasn't convinced. Time would prove everything she was saying to him, but in the meantime he was a lot more worried now than he had been. She put her arms around him and held him close to her when they were back in her room in the bungalow.
“I love you, Peter,” she said softly. “More than anything.” He kissed her, and Tanya clung to him for a long moment. She didn't want him to go. The girls walked into the room then and reminded them that they had to leave for the airport soon. Tanya felt as though the weekend had reassured them and frightened Peter. She could see in his eyes that what he had seen there had disturbed him profoundly. He was quiet on the way to the airport, and looked distracted when he kissed her goodbye.
“I love you,” she reminded him again.
“I love you, too, Tan,” he said, smiling sadly. “Don't fall in love with it down here, I need you,” he whispered. He looked so vulnerable it almost made her cry.
“I won't,” she promised him. “You're all I want. I'll be home Friday.” And she knew that this time, no matter what happened, she had to go home for the weekend. She wanted him to know that no matter what happened down here, who she met or what she saw, or how appealing they tried to make it, above all, and more important to her than anything, she was his wife.
Chapter 9
Tanya went home, as promised, for the next two weekends, and Peter seemed to calm down. The fact that she came home every Friday night, as they had planned for her to do, seemed to reassure him. He admitted that the weekend in L.A. had unnerved him, but as soon as he saw her in Marin again, he felt sane. The life she led in L.A. wasn't one he wanted to be part of. And she continued to try to convince him that neither did she. All she wanted was the thrill of writing a feature film, and after that she was coming home. Life seemed almost normal again when she came up every weekend. She missed two important meetings to do it, but she said nothing about it to him. She told Douglas and Max that she just couldn't stay. She said she had to get home to her kids. They didn't like it, but as long as they hadn't started shooting yet, they were willing to let her go.
They started shooting on the first of November, and from then on her life was insane. They shot days, nights, location scenes, worked on soundstages they had rented, and sat in folding chairs on street corners during night shoots, while she worked frantically on the script to make changes. She was winging it a lot of the time. Jean proved to be difficult to work with, while Ned was a dream. She could never remember her lines, and wanted Tanya to adjust them for her. Tanya worked closely with Max on every scene, while Douglas came and went and observed frequently.
The first weekend after shooting started, she miraculously managed to go home. And if anything happened on the set, she promised to be available on the phone. She assured them she could make changes from there, and send them by e-mail. But for the next two weekends after that, there was no way she could go. Four scenes had to be rewritten, they were shooting out of sequence, and they were tackling some of the most difficult scenes in the film. Max promised her that she could take weekends off later, but for now he needed her right there. She had no choice. The girls were unhappy about it and Peter didn't sound pleased either, but he understood it, or said he did. He was starting a trial in a few weeks, and was buried at the office, too.
Tanya hadn't been home for two weeks when she got home for Thanksgiving, and she almost cried with relief when she walked in the front door. It was Wednesday afternoon, and Peter had just bought everything they needed for Thanksgiving. Her flight had been delayed for two hours due to bad weather, and she had been panicked she wouldn't get home. Jason was due home that night. He was driving up with friends. Alice's son James was driving up from Santa Barbara that weekend, too.
“God, am I glad to see you guys,” Tanya said, as she set down her bag in the kitchen. “I thought they were going to cancel my flight.” She felt as though she hadn't seen them in a million years, and it had only been two weeks. Peter looked thrilled to see her, and walked over to her to give her a hug.
“We're happy to see you, too,” Peter said as the girls helped him unpack the groceries. He had bought everything Tanya had told him to. She was going to start cooking their turkey before dawn the next morning. It was huge.
Molly came over to hug her, and Tanya noticed instantly that Megan looked particularly grim and had red eyes. She looked so upset that Tanya didn't want to say anything to upset her. She gave her a kiss, and Megan didn't say anything. A few minutes later she disappeared.
“Did something happen?” Tanya asked Peter quietly, as they finished in the kitchen and went upstairs.
“I'm not sure. She went over to see Alice after school. She just walked in before you did. Molly and I bought the groceries without her. Maybe you should ask Alice. Megan doesn't tell me anything.” Or her mother anymore, Tanya couldn't help thinking. A year before, that wouldn't have been the case, but things had changed since she started working in L.A. Now Alice was Megan's confidante, and Tanya was her absentee mother, who was no longer privy to her private griefs and joys. She hoped that would change again one day.
She and Peter talked quietly for a while, catching up. She told him about progress on the set, and the kind of pressure they were working under, dealing with crises and problems, and the usual insanity that seemed to be standard fare. It was interesting at least. And a little while later, Molly walked in and explained that Megan had broken up with her boyfriend. He had cheated on her with another girl. She said that Megan was next door talking to Alice about it, and as she said it, Tanya's heart sank. She felt as though she were losing her daughter to her best friend. She knew it was unreasonable to think that way, she was grateful to Alice for standing in for her, but it hurt her feelings that Megan no longer wanted to confide in her. It wasn't something you could demand, or even criticize her for, Tanya knew it was something she had to earn. Losing that was the price she was paying for not being around. She felt lucky that Molly
still talked to her. And she felt stupid for it, but she felt suddenly jealous of Alice and the relationship she had with Megan. Tanya's loss had been Alice's gain. Megan didn't come home until dinnertime. Tanya had to call Alice and ask her to send her home.
“How is she?” Tanya asked her, sounding worried.
“Upset,” Alice said gently, happy to hear from her friend. “She'll be okay. It's standard teenage stuff. He's a little shit, but they all are at that age. He just did it with her best friend, so it seems worse to her.”
“With Maggie Arnold?” Tanya sounded horrified. Maggie had always been such a nice girl.
“No,” Alice said, sounding very knowing. “With Donna Ebert. Megan and Maggie haven't been on good terms for months. They had a falling-out the first week of school.” Tanya knew nothing anymore, which made her feel worse. And Alice knew it all. Tanya was completely out of the loop.
They had a quiet dinner in the kitchen that night, and the girls helped her set the dining room table for the next day. They took out the good crystal and china, and a tablecloth they used every year that had been Peter's grandmother's. Megan said nothing to her mother about the agonies she'd been going through. She just did what she had to do, and then went to her room. She treated Tanya like a stranger. She wasn't even angry at her. She just seemed distant and indifferent whenever Tanya tried to talk to her. She had completed half her college applications with Alice by then, without ever showing her mother a word.
“I'm fine, Mom,” she said, brushing her off. They had lost whatever ground they had gained in L.A., and the weekends Tanya came home after that, when things were better. But in the weeks that Tanya hadn't been able to come home, after the film started shooting, she had lost her connection with Megan again. Tanya felt unable to bridge the chasm between them, and Megan did nothing to help. She just stayed sealed off and at every opportunity went to her room. It made Tanya's heart ache, and she felt like a failure as a mother, despite Molly's constant reassurance that that wasn't the case. The difference between the two girls' reactions to her was extreme. It was a relief when Jason walked in after dropping off his friends, and went straight to the fridge. He kissed his mother on the way.
“Hi, Mom. I'm starving.” She smiled at the familiar greeting, and offered to make him chili. He looked delighted at the suggestion, and sat down at the kitchen table with a glass of milk. It made Tanya feel useful to cook for him. He chatted with Molly about school, while Tanya emptied a can of chili into a pan and put it on the stove. Peter walked in, and there was a festive atmosphere in the room, as they all chatted with each other. A few minutes later Megan walked in.
She looked at her brother, and told him her news before she even said hello to him. “I broke up with Mike. He cheated on me with Donna.” She still hadn't said a word about it to her mother. She shared her sorrows with everyone but her. Even the next-door neighbor had heard it first.
“That sucks,” Jason said sympathetically. “He's a jerk. She'll dump him in a week.”
“I don't want him back after that,” she said, and talked to him about it while he ate. They were all in the kitchen together, but Tanya felt left out. She felt like an invisible person in her family now, whereas before everything had revolved around her. They had all needed her. And now they had learned too well to manage without her. She felt utterly useless, except to open a can of chili for her son and heat it on the stove. Other than that she served no useful purpose. She glanced over at Jason, and he was talking to Peter about his ranking on the tennis team, between bulletins from Megan about her love life. No one was talking to Tanya. She felt as though she didn't exist. Without even intending to, in most cases, they had shut her out.
She sat down at the kitchen table with them, and entered their conversations where she could. Eventually, Jason got up and put his dishes in the dishwasher. He left the kitchen with the girls, all three of them talking animatedly about ten things at once. They were a lively group. And then he glanced over his shoulder and called back to his mother.
“Thanks for the chili, Mom.”
“Anytime,” she called back, and looked over at Peter, still sitting there and watching her.
“You're so much more efficient than I am. I make a mess of the kitchen every night.” He smiled at her, happy to have her home. It had been a long two weeks since he'd seen her last. But he knew how crazy it was for her on the set.
“It feels so good to be home,” she said, smiling at him. “And weird, too,” she admitted. “I feel like the kids don't even know who I am anymore. I know it's stupid, but it really bothers me that Megan tells Alice all about her love life, and she doesn't say a word to me. She used to tell me everything.”
“She will again when you come home. They know you're busy, Tan. They don't want to bother you. You're making a movie. Alice has nothing else to do and she's right here. The gallery is fun for her, but it doesn't take up a lot of her time. She misses her kids, so she loves spending time with ours.”
“I feel like I've been fired,” she said sadly, as they walked slowly upstairs to their room. They could hear Jason and the girls in his room, laughing and talking. He had put his music on. The house had come alive again.
“You haven't been fired,” Peter said gently as they closed their door. “You're just on leave. That's different. When you come home, they'll be all over you again. As much as they will with anyone now. They're all growing up.” It was true, and that depressed her, too. She was suffering from empty-nest syndrome, and the worst of it was that she had left the nest first, or before the girls anyway. It defied the natural order of things. It was no wonder Megan resented her. Tanya didn't blame her a bit, and felt overwhelmed with guilt.
“I feel like such a lousy mother. Particularly with her leaning on Alice.”
“She's a nice woman, Tan. She won't give her bad advice.”
“I know that. That's not the point. The point is that I'm her mother, Alice isn't. I think Megan has forgotten that.”
“No, she hasn't. She just needs someone to talk to around here. A woman. She doesn't talk to me about that stuff either.”
“She could call me on my cell phone any time. Molly does. So do you.”
“Give her a chance, Tan. She took it harder than the rest of us when you left. She's forgiven you. She just got out of the habit of talking to you.” Tanya nodded. It was true. And it hurt like hell to hear the truth.
She felt like she had lost one of her kids. Molly had never wavered, and Jason still called her every few days to chat, when he had nothing better to do, or needed advice about school. In some ways, he was closer to her than to Peter. But Megan had disassociated herself from her mother almost completely. Tanya couldn't help wondering if the rift between them would ever repair. All she was good for now was to introduce her to movie stars. Other than that, she had almost no relationship with her daughter. Tanya couldn't believe how much it hurt. A lot. More than that. She felt as though she had lost a leg or an arm. And it had to be painful for Megan, too. She didn't even know how to broach the subject with her. Peter said to just give it time. But Tanya wasn't convinced that was the solution. She had lost her daughter to Alice. It wasn't Alice's fault, or even Megan's, it was her own.
“Try not to let it upset you,” Peter told her kindly. “I think it will get better when you come home.”
“That's months from now,” Tanya said, looking depressed. “They've almost finished their college applications, and I wasn't even here to help them.” She sounded mournful, and felt guilty yet again. She felt as though she were missing everything important. Romances, breakups, college applications, colds, and all the daily details of their lives that they now shared with Alice and Peter and rarely with her. It bothered her even more than she had feared it would.
“I've been working on their applications with them,” Peter reassured her, “for the past two weekends. And I know Alice has, too. I think they're planning to finish them over Christmas vacation. You can give them a hand then, or s
ome advice about their essays. But I think they're in good shape.”
“Is there anything Alice doesn't do?” Tanya snapped, feeling grumpy, as Peter met her eyes. The separation was hard on all of them. They had known it would be from the start. It was just harder to live with than any of them had expected. Tanya had been afraid of this, that it would impact her relationship with her children, or with him. At least so far it hadn't with Peter, or even Molly. Megan was a direct casualty of the movie her mother was making. Tanya was afraid Megan would never forgive her.
“It's not Alice's fault,” Peter chided her gently, as Tanya sat down on their bed with a sigh.
“I know it's not. I'm just frustrated. And I feel guilty. It's my fault, not anyone else's. Thanks for letting me whine.” He was always a good sport, about everything. She knew just how lucky she was to have him. She never took him for granted. If it weren't for him, her Hollywood odyssey wouldn't have been possible at all, although she realized now that she was sorry she had done it. It was possible that the price tag was going to be too high, if it cost her her relationship with even one of her children. But it was too late to turn back now. They just had to go forward and make the best of it.
“You can whine to me anytime.” Peter smiled at her, and sat down on the bed next to her to give her a hug. “What time are you getting up to cook the turkey?”
“Five o'clock,” she said, sounding tired. She had been getting up earlier than that some days to be on the set, or staying up later. It was a crazy process and an insane way to live. She could see too why few people in the industry had healthy relationships or sound marriages. The lifestyle was just too strange, and precluded any kind of normalcy. And the temptations surrounding it were enormous. She had already seen several romances start on the set, even among people who were married to others. It was as though the people working on the movie forgot all other ties except to those they were working with at the time. It really was like setting sail on a cruise, or a trip to another planet. The only people who seemed to be real to them were those they saw every day. They forgot everything and everyone else, and lived in the tiny microcosm of their movie set. It hadn't happened to Tanya, and she knew it wouldn't, but she was fascinated, and somewhat horrified watching them.
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