“You’re trembling,” he whispered.
“Yes.”
“Are you afraid of me?”
“Not exactly.”
He paused in his loving exploration along the top edge of her bikini panties, his soft touch tickling the sensitive skin of her abdomen.
“Haven’t you ever made love before?”
She shook her head.
He sat up suddenly. “Oh, Lisa, it never occurred to me to ask you before now.”
She smiled. “I’m very glad I waited.”
He pulled her close and whispered in her ear. “So am I, love, so am I.”
Drew took his time kissing and caressing her. Slowly, Lisa felt the tension drain from her body. In its place came an emotional response to his touch that set her body to tingling. She felt dizzy with love for him. Never had anything seemed more right than to be there with Drew, and she showed him her pleasure by imitating his touch, his caresses, his sensual exploration, so that she became aware of her ability to affect him.
By the time he positioned himself over her, Lisa was eager for the next step. She could feel the fierce thudding of his heart and knew hers was keeping time with it. Her breath caught in her throat when she felt the full thrust of his passion. He paused. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You could never hurt me, Drew. I want you to show me how to express my love for you.”
Slowly Drew began to move and she felt a tiny spark begin within her. She felt it glow, then spread throughout her body. Instinctively she responded to his movement, glorying in their closeness, recognizing the tenderness that he brought to their time of sharing.
Never had she loved Drew more than when she recognized his patience over the past few months. She knew they shared something very special, a precious gift that few couples ever experienced.
Then she could no longer think. Instead, Lisa became a creature of emotions and sensations that clung to Drew as she entered into a new dimension. He carried her to the farthest reaches of the universe, and she knew that nothing in her life would ever again be the same.
During the next three years they often talked about the family they wanted, and Drew expanded on how much a family would mean to him. Lisa had gone to a specialist to find out if there was a reason why she hadn’t conceived, but the doctor found nothing to prevent a successful pregnancy.
She would never forget the day she got the wonderful news that their perseverance had paid off.
“Drew! We did it! We finally did it!” She ran into their beachside home exclaiming.
Drew sat out on the deck, enjoying the sun and fresh sea air, but he got to his feet in time to catch her when she threw herself into his arms. “That’s marvelous, love! I knew we could.” He gave her a long, intimate kiss, then asked, “What have we done?”
Lisa laughed. “Oh, this wasn’t the way I was going to tell you. I had it all planned—you know…soft candlelight dinner, champagne, me in something sheer and flowing.” She hugged him even closer. “Oh, Drew. I’m so happy.”
He stared down into her shining face with a puzzled smile.
“We’re going to have a baby,” she murmured shyly.
“Well, how about that? We must have done something right during these past few months,” he teased. Drew attempted a puzzled frown, but his dancing eyes gave him away. “Does this mean we can’t continue to practice?”
“You’re crazy, you know that?”
“Yes. I am absolutely, one hundred percent crazy over you. I don’t believe it’s curable.”
“Oh, Drew. I love you, too. And now we’re going to be able to have that family we’ve always talked about.”
They had so much fun preparing the nursery. Drew enjoyed the shopping expeditions as much as Lisa, and Lisa learned a great deal more about the man she had married.
“What do you think?” he asked, holding up a mobile for her inspection. “Wouldn’t this be nice to wake up to each morning?”
“Do you want to hang it over our bed?” Lisa asked.
“Not ours—the baby’s.”
“Oh.”
“What if he or she wakes up early? We don’t want the baby getting bored.”
“Of course not. How sensible of you to point that out.”
He pulled her into his arms. “Are you laughing at me?” he demanded.
“Never.”
“Good.” He glanced around. “How about some colorful curtains for the windows—you know, for stimulation.”
“Anything you say, Drew.”
Toward the end of the pregnancy Drew delighted in feeling the baby move. They were in bed and the lights were out. Lisa was having trouble getting comfortable, and Drew placed his hand on her protruding abdomen and began to gently stroke it. “Go to sleep, little one, go to sleep,” he murmured. “Let your mommy get some rest.”
The baby gave a vigorous kick.
“Do you think he has a basketball in there?” Drew asked.
“Right now it feels like the entire Harlem Globetrotters are in there.” Lisa shifted, turning on her side.
“I wish I could help,” Drew whispered, gently pushing her hair off of her forehead.
“You are, love. Having you here with me is all I need.”
“Don’t you get excited, thinking about having another person sharing our life together?”
“Yes. I think he’s as anxious to get here as we are to have him arrive.”
“Are you sorry we didn’t find out the sex?”
“No. I wanted it to be a surprise. Whatever it is suits me.”
“Me too. We can always have more.”
“Um-hmm,” Lisa sighed.
Drew began to massage her back, and Lisa drifted off to sleep, secure in the knowledge that he was there.
She would never forget the night she’d gone into labor. Drew had practised being calm for so long that he had almost been a zombie. Lisa would have believed he was taking the news that she needed to go to the hospital in stride if he hadn’t started out the front door barefoot with her suitcase, wearing only a pair of cut-off jeans—in January.
They had laughed all the way to the hospital.
Her pains had been surprisingly easy, and it was only during the last stages of labor that problems developed. Drew was with her in the delivery room until the monitoring system on the baby’s heart began to signal distress, then they’d sent him out.
The next few hours had been a nightmare. Drew stayed with her after they’d wheeled her back to her room. Everything had changed for them in a few short hours.
Drew sat beside her bed, holding Lisa’s hand and stroking her face. “Nobody knows why these things happen, love, but we’re going to make it through this time together, you and me. We love each other—that’s what is important to remember. And we have each other.”
What would she have done without his support? He put his grief on hold and comforted her. And she needed that support so much.
Lisa felt inadequate, as though God were punishing her for some reason. Couldn’t she be a good enough parent? Wasn’t she even going to be given the chance to try?
When Lisa returned home she discovered that Drew had stored all the baby furniture and accessories they had purchased and had even taken down the colorful curtains so that there was no reminder in the bedroom of the baby that should have come home with her.
Lisa wrestled with her depression, determined not to let it pull her down or slow her recovery. She and Drew clung to each other during the following weeks and Lisa began to plan for another pregnancy as soon as the doctor said it was safe.
Then came her six weeks checkup and the nightmare became overwhelming.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you, Lisa,” Dr. Jacobs told her.
Lisa sat across the desk from him, watching his kind eyes through his rimless glasses.
“All the tests we’ve run on you are fairly conclusive. We discovered that you carry in your genetic makeup a chromosome that under certain conditions will
produce the problem that caused the death of your baby. There is no way to test this beforehand, but I would say the chances of you and Drew being able to have a baby survive birth is less than five percent.” He slowly pulled off his glasses and began methodically polishing them with a handkerchief. “Not very good odds, I’m afraid.”
Lisa sat there staring at him, waiting for the director to yell “Cut!” She waited for the scene to end and reality to surface. He couldn’t be talking about her, not her and Drew. Not after all their plans, their dreams, their hopes for the future.
“Would you like me to call Mr. Donovan and explain the results of the tests to him?”
Since she hadn’t even told Drew about the tests she had insisted on taking, she refused. He would have told her she was worrying unnecessarily and to relax and accept whatever happened.
“I’ll tell him, Dr. Jacobs.”
Drew would understand. He loved her; he’d made a commitment to her; he would honor that commitment—no matter the cost to him. But could she ask that of him?
He had waited so long to marry. He wanted to be established in his career before starting a family. She knew how both goals had been so important to him. How many times had she sat and listened to all his plans during her pregnancy? He’d even planned when the second one should be conceived because he didn’t want an only child! Now she had to tell him there would be no children. None at all.
Looking back, Lisa realized that she’d been in shock after her visit to the doctor. She could still remember calmly deciding to convince Drew she no longer wished to be married to him.
If she couldn’t give him the family he wanted, then he needed to marry someone who could. She’d felt a keen determination to protect Drew from his own compassionate nature. If she told him the truth he would insist on their staying together.
She couldn’t do that to him.
Lisa was deliberately late reaching home that evening. By the time she got out of the car Drew was at the front door and striding out to her.
“Lisa, are you all right? I’ve called everywhere I could think of, trying to find you. Did you have car trouble? Why didn’t you call me?” His arms came around her and he hugged her close. She felt the slight tremor of his hands on her back. She had frightened him, which hadn’t been her intention.
What she had intended to do was to irritate him, provoke him, attempt to set up a situation where he would become angry.
Lisa had never felt so inadequate for a role in her life.
Forcing herself to step back from him, she coolly met the anxious look on his face. “I really don’t need a keeper, Drew. I’m fine, just fine.” She sidestepped him and walked into the house.
“Where have you been? Maria said you left right after lunch.”
Drew followed her down the hallway to their bedroom. Lisa began to strip out of her clothing as though she were alone. Without looking at him, she asked, “Oh, is spying on me one of Maria’s duties?”
“Spying on you! For God’s sake, Lisa, what’s wrong with you?”
She walked into the adjoining bathroom and turned on the shower. Piling her long hair on her head and securing it with pins, she said, “Nothing’s the matter with me, Drew. What could possibly be wrong?”
The shower felt good, and she stood there wondering how she was going to get through that evening. She wasn’t going to be able to stay with him even one more night. Because if she did, she knew she’d break down and tell him everything—her fears and confusion, her pain and frustration, her anger that her body could have betrayed her in such a fundamental fashion.
No. She had to get out tonight.
Drew was waiting for her in the bedroom when she came out of the bathroom. She stopped and looked at him without expression. “Were you waiting for something?”
He looked at her, confusion and a trace of pain etched on his face. “I thought maybe you’d be hungry. It’s almost ten o’clock.”
“I’ve already eaten,” she lied calmly. Pulling out underwear from one of her drawers, she quickly dressed in slacks and a pullover knit top. She walked into the oversize closet she shared with Drew, picked up the empty suitcases stored there and brought them out.
Drew came to his feet, his color gone. “What in the hell do you think you’re doing, Lisa?”
She forced herself to look him in the eye, forced herself to betray no expression and answered him. “I’m leaving you, Drew.”
Drew stared at her as though she had pulled out a pistol and taken careful aim, then fired. Thinking back, Lisa realized that perhaps metaphorically that was what she had done. He slowly sank back down on the side of the bed. She barely heard his murmured, “Why?”
Lisa turned away, ostensibly to pack, but in reality because she could no longer bear to see what her words and actions were doing to him. She reminded herself why she was doing it and only from that could she draw the necessary strength to continue the charade.
“I would think that’s obvious, Drew. I no longer want to be married to you.” Hurriedly she threw her belongings in her suitcases, needing to escape before she broke down.
The silence in the room grew and expanded until it almost pushed the occupants out of the area with its intensity. Lisa felt Drew’s pain as though it were her own, and in a way it was. She felt engulfed, almost suffocated by it.
“It’s because we lost the baby, isn’t it?” he finally asked quietly.
“It no longer matters why, Drew. Just accept the fact that I’m leaving.” She refused to look at him. After glancing around to be sure she’d cleared the surface of her dresser, she carried her makeup bag into the bathroom and hurriedly began to fill it.
“You can’t mean it.” He stood in the doorway, watching her in disbelief, the pain and agony in him almost visible to her.
“Yes. This is something I have to do.”
She turned around and waited for him to move. He continued to stare at her, then finally stepped back, allowing her to enter the bedroom once more.
“Lisa, honey, listen to me. Don’t do this to us. We’ve got too much going for us, too much at stake to allow an impulsive decision to destroy what we’ve built together.”
“This isn’t an impulsive decision. I’ve been considering it for some time.” Another lie, but a necessary one. Impulsive or not, this was one decision she had to stick to, and she couldn’t afford to let him talk her out of it. He could very well do that if she stayed around him. He had powers of persuasion over her that were so strong that they should have been outlawed.
She picked up her two largest bags and started down the hall.
“Dammit, Lisa, I’m not going to let you do this!” He followed her down the hallway and yanked one of the bags out of her hand.
She turned around and slowly looked up at him, trying for a look of contempt by the time her eyes met his. “Do you intend to keep me here by force? Because that’s the only way you can do it. I don’t want to stay with you, Drew. Why don’t you just accept that? I’d prefer not to have a scene, if you don’t mind. I’m rather tired.”
Drew looked at her as though her words were unintelligible, as though the language she spoke was beyond him. She could certainly understand that reaction. Then she leaned over and took the bag from him, turned around and walked to the front door, opened it, then carried her bag to her car, which she had purposely left outside the garage.
Returning to the house, she found Drew where she’d left him—standing in the hallway. She walked past, picked up her remaining bags and returned to the front door. “I’ll check with Maria in a few days to be sure I didn’t overlook something.”
Lisa’s stomach was beginning to churn, and she knew she only had a few moments to get out of there before her body betrayed her. She glanced over her shoulder. Drew had not moved from his position in the hallway. “I’ll be in touch, Drew.” When she closed the door behind her, she whispered, “Please be happy, love. For both our sakes, please be happy.”
She was only
a few blocks away from the house when she had to pull over. Lisa was too sick to drive, too sick to care what happened now. She had done it. She’d removed herself from Drew’s life….
That had been almost a year ago. During that year Lisa worked at making a new life for herself. She had finally forced herself to see an attorney and begin the legal proceedings that would finally sever the relationship. She only wished it were as easy to sever all the emotional ties she felt for him.
Lisa determinedly turned over in the bed and glanced at the small digital clock on her bedside table. It was almost four o’clock in the morning.
Adele had no idea what she was asking of Lisa. What was she going to do?
Three
On the sixth floor of a prestigious bank building in downtown Los Angeles, Drew Donovan sat staring at Morey Arnett in disbelief.
“Are you out of your mind?” Drew asked incredulously, running his hand through already rumpled tawny hair. He glared at his agent, convinced that Morey had finally slipped over the edge and was only now waiting for commitment.
Morey laughed. A slender man of indeterminate age, Morey was seldom if ever at a loss for words, and he had a mind that generated ideas and plans with a speed reminiscent of a whirlwind. He had a great deal of power in the movie industry, which was common enough, and wielded it wisely, which was very uncommon.
“Come on, you know that your greatest films have been made with Lisa Renee.” He leaned back in his chair. “Let’s see, how many have there been?”
“Three,” Drew bit off tersely.
Morey’s hands came up behind his head, and he locked his fingers together. “Any how many Academy Awards were you nominated for?”
“Three,” Drew responded more slowly.
“No doubt a coincidence. Although I have to admit that when someone as lovely as Lisa Renee gives you those melting looks from her gorgeous eyes, we all tend to think you’re as special as she obviously does.”
“She’s an actress, dammit. She’s paid to look at me that way.”
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