by Davis, Jarod
“He’s not into me,” Kayla said it with the fatalistic certainty of someone about to jump off a bridge. “He has too much going on.”
“But not too much to spend some time with you?” Isaac asked.
Erin pushed their double team, “If you’re friends, really friends, then you don’t say it. You don’t need to. It’s obvious. It’s just something that goes unsaid. So seriously, wear something cute.”
“We’re meeting after school.”
“Then meet me right after school and I’ll help you with your makeup.”
“It’s not a date,” she said again.
“Sure it’s not,” Erin said.
Kayla wanted to argue, but the bell wouldn’t let her. She said it again, but Isaac and Erin just laughed before he pulled her girlfriend into another hug and held her like he didn’t want to let go. Kayla peeked back when she got further away and wondered what that felt like. She’d had a boyfriend, but nothing like that. Never the guy who’d bring her the candy rose. Never the guy who did something nice because he wanted to prove how much he cared about her to no one and everyone.
As she navigated the clusters of teenagers on their way to class, Kayla flashed back to the thought of being alone with Seth. She thought of how his hand felt, shy and strong at the same time. She thought of that now recurrent fantasy where he’d hold her, where they’d kiss. Everything else faded away until she bumped into some guy. She apologized and got to class, but that just meant more thoughts, more daydreams.
When she really thought about it, Kayla had to admit that she wasn’t very good at being a girl. She owned one dress, probably one skirt, and everything else was jeans, sweat shirts, and t-shirts. About a month before, she heard Elizabeth, another junior, say something about how she could never wear the same outfit twice. Yeah, that wasn’t Kayla.
Through the rest of the day, Kayla thought Erin had been joking. Instead, she ambushed Kayla outside her last class as she was headed for Seth’s last class. Erin had a little mirror, some lip gloss, and went to work. When she was done, Kayla didn’t see much of a difference, but she still thanked Erin. It felt good to have a friend who cared about that sort of thing.
Trying to think about anything except how nervous she was, Kayla moved through the mostly empty halls. There were a few athletes wandering between the halls before they had to get to class, a couple skaters waiting around with nothing better to do, and a few other people still waiting for their rides. It was cold out, but Kayla didn’t feel it against the beat of her heart. Normally, like everyone else, she never noticed her pulse or her breath or where she put her feet. Right then, she felt everything.
Seth pulled up to the curb and the window slid down, “Get in.” It was warm in his car though just as blank as always. “Good day?” he asked.
“Just like any other,” she said.
“Huh. You look a little different.” He sounded impressed and confused at the same time. Kayla shrugged, not sure what answer would work best. “So what’s your pleasure? We can go anywhere within a five hundred mile radius.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Sorta,” he said, “I’m just saying, I don’t really have anywhere to be for the next fifteen hours. We could take advantage of it.”
“You don’t do that with anyone else.”
“Offer to take someone to LA and back? No, not really. I guess that makes you special.”
“No, that’s not what I meant,” she said. “You don’t joke around.”
“Nope. Like I said, you’re special.”
Kayla listened really hard for sarcasm. When she didn’t hear any, she asked, “Why am I different?”
He still smiled, but his lips hardened. A sharpened edge crept into his voice, “You’re just different.” Kayla didn’t think he’d say anything else until he added, “You’re one of the very few people I’ve ever met who I really think might maybe, somehow, some way not be a total jackass.”
“Such glowing praise.”
“I’m serious.”
“People are pretty good if you give them a chance.”
“You really believe that?” Seth shook his head, “Of course you do. That’s what I mean. You try to be good and you think everyone else is trying to as well.”
“They’re not?”
“I can’t speak for all of our species, I’ll admit that. But no, they’re usually not. Even the people with the best intentions usually just want to get through their homework or their classes or their jobs or their games. That’s about it.”
“You think they should do something else?”
“If you’re good, you should be helping people. Millions of people go hungry every day. We let them. How is that not evil? Even around here, there are thousands of families who go hungry. No one helps them.”
“You could.”
“Too risky,” he said. “If I used my abilities like that, someone in the Alliance might notice. Too dangerous to try anything.”
“I didn’t mean take over the brain of some CEO or politician,” Kayla said. She wanted to laugh, because Seth was the only person she knew who thought helping meant war. “I meant you could volunteer somewhere. Maybe bring some food to a soup kitchen or something. There’s a lot you could do. People could use your help.”
“You might be right,” he said. “But there’s a key difference between me and everyone else.” He pulled into another parking lot, picked a spot, and pulled the car into park.
“Fine,” Kayla said like she didn’t like this game. “What makes you different?”
He grinned, only half-serious, “Unlike everyone else, I don’t care if I’m a good person.”
“I think you do,” Kayla said.
“Peh. What makes you say that?” Seth stood up outside his car and leaned against the top of his car. “It’s not like you know that much about me.” She didn’t know where he snuck off to during or after school. She didn’t know his favorite color or any of those little factoids that proved people. Somehow, it hurt to admit.
“I know what’s important.”
“What’s that?” he grinned like a poker player who knew he was about to win.
But Kayla liked her cards better. “Simple. You helped me.”
“You had an ability. Of course I had to keep you away from the cops. It could’ve gone very badly if your name ended up in some government database.”
“And that would be a wonderful point,” Kayla held up for one finger, “except for one point. You didn’t know what I could do.” Seth flinched, his face crumpled together because he knew she was right. “Ha!” Kayla laughed, “Take that!”
“Fine. I helped you, but like I said, you’re different.”
“Or you saw someone who needed help and did the nice thing by helping. See, it proves you’re a good guy. You helped someone completely random. And that was before we were even friends. Remember?”
“Unless I have some secret agenda, something you don’t even know about.”
“Like what?”
“You’re a nascent, someone who can move things with her mind. A dagger, blood vessel, bullet, take your pick. With enough practice, you could probably knock over a building. It makes sense I’d want us to be friends.” He wagged his finger, “Sure, I did the nice thing and helped you at that party. But maybe I just really hated Tristan. He was kind of a jerk, after all.”
“You’re wrong,” Kayla said. “No matter what you say or what kind of logic or argument you use, doesn’t matter. Just doesn’t matter because you’re stuck with me knowing you’re a good guy. I know it and I’m not going to give up on that. So take that.”
“Let me get this right,” Seth said as he twirled his keys and dropped them into his pocket. “You’re just going to ignore all of the evidence I have and believe whatever you want.”
“Faith.”
“And you wonder why I don’t like belief?”
Two arched windows sat in front of her. Inside, she saw different tables lined with different
colored candles. Over the canopy outside the front doors glowed a giant marquis. Giant red letters buzzed: Chang’s Authentic Mexican. She felt her face tighten up, her brows raised, “How did you know?”
“Your favorite place?”
“It is,” she said. “But I didn’t think anyone knew it. I mean, like you said, we haven’t been hanging out that long.”
“Lots of people know you,” Seth said. “I see them, I see their memories, and that means I can know everything about you that everyone else knows about.”
Kayla nodded like that idea wasn’t supposed to terrify her. She thought back to everyone in Youth Group. Her old friends saw her spill a jug of punch on Dean’s shirt. They saw her when she lost a bet and had to let everyone else give her a makeover. They saw her when she did karaoke. Nothing worse than karaoke. And Seth could’ve seen any of that. She hoped her face didn’t go white.
“Tracking down your favorite place was easy.”
“Now you’re just bragging.”
“Maybe,” he agreed and opened the door for her.
Talking with him was easy. It was even easier than with Dean at the start of their relationship. Everything was awkward as their friends pushed them together. He was a good guy, but their jokes were always a little off. With Seth, she relaxed. No effort and the right kinds of nerves that made every moment more exciting.
They took a table, perused the menus, and ordered. Somehow that took them about an hour. They kept trying to look, but then Kayla would bring something up and distract Seth. Or Kayla would start searching through the menu and he’d break her concentration with some other comment. It was sixty minutes that flooded by like sixty seconds.
Through most of the meal, Kayla just picked at her food. She was hungry, but she didn’t want to waste the time with food. That didn’t matter compared to the enthusiasm of hanging out with Seth. Even if it wasn’t a date, she still tapped her feet against the floor with excess energy and ease.
When their plates were empty, Seth rested his arms on the table. “Can I ask you something? Something serious.”
“Sure.”
“What’s it like, having faith?”
“Everyone has faith,” Kayla said.
“Faith in a religion? Faith in God?”
A different kind of nervous touched her palms. He asked about faith, something she didn’t expect. Even if she’d fallen away from Youth Group and didn’t know what Church would be like, she still knew what was right, and she still wanted to show Seth. Everyone deserved that chance to know Him and feel that security, that safety, that joy, and intimacy.
“Maybe not faith in God, but faith. Everyone has it already. That’s something people don’t realize. Like right now, we’re in this building, and we have faith that it’s not going to collapse. We have faith that the sun will come up tomorrow. We have faith that we won’t get beat up the next time we go outside.”
“I’m not sure that’s true with me. I’m not sure I believe in anything.”
Kayla wanted to contradict him, but she couldn’t. She didn’t know his life or his thoughts, so she couldn’t be sure. It was just that she couldn’t imagine that. She couldn’t imagine living in a world empty of all belief. It sounded like one of those special kinds of hell, because nothing would make sense. People, life and its challenges, hope, every promise. None of it could have meaning without a little trust.
“I don’t think I believe in anything,” he said again.
“Why not?”
“Maybe I’ve seen too much.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Okay,” Kayla said. “But when you want to trust me, you can. I’ll be there for you, and I’ll listen. It doesn’t matter what happened. I will be there for you.”
Seth nodded but didn’t speak. Kayla felt the instinct to press forward. She wanted to keep talking and tell him everything about it, all of those reasons she’d heard throughout her life. She didn’t though, because she knew that he had to see these things on his own. That was the tricky part about faith. She could share everything she knew and hoped he’d discover too, but it couldn’t be forced. It had to be his choice and his experience. That made it tricky because it made it unique.
“Faith,” she said, “is difficult sometimes, but if you think about it and look deep inside of yourself, then you’ll feel the truth. If you look around, there’s always evidence of goodness and beauty and truth. If there wasn’t a God and if He didn’t love us, why would any of that be here?”
“A cosmic joke?” Seth asked, but he wasn’t serious. He stared down into the floor and into nothing. “What’s it feel like?”
“It feels like knowing the world makes sense. It’s knowing your place in the world, knowing what’s right, what’s wrong, and what you’re supposed to do. It’s not always easy, because sometimes there are some really hard choices, but it helps. And I guess it just feels like having a direction. It’s knowing where you are, where you’re going, and where you belong.” Kayla didn’t get it right. She wasn’t a pastor, so she wasn’t good at this. All of her conversations about faith were with other Christians. She’d never been with someone as wounded as Seth.
“That must be nice.” Nice sounded like such a small word for such a big thing, but Kayla knew what he meant. She gave a little smile.
“Can I ask you something kinda personal?”
Seth looked up from his plate with a sharpened smile, “Sure.”
“Have you ever prayed?”
“Once. It didn’t work out.” He looked back at his plate before he asked, “Does it help?”
“It does. But not because you run off and ask God for help. Prayer is more about helping yourself. You get to be honest and that can make things clearer. It’s that whole thing of being able to talk to someone who you know loves you no matter what.”
“I’ve never understood that.”
Kayla saw him flinch when she agreed with him, “Me either.”
“How’s that work? Aren’t you kind of obligated to believe that your God will love you no matter what? I mean, isn’t that one of the big selling points for Christianity?”
“I believe it. I know He loves me. I feel it every day, but I can’t explain it. In a lot of ways, you’re right, Seth. Sometimes people are jerks. We have this beautiful world and all of these chances, but we mess it up. But He still loves us. I don’t know why. We’re good, I still believe that, but we could be a whole lot better.” He looked at her like she was an alien, but one he wanted to understand. It made her shiver a little. She’d never talked to anyone like this, not even Dean.
“You’re more honest than anyone I’ve ever met.”
“Are you sure?” she teased. “If you can’t read my thoughts, I might be lying.”
“Faith?” Seth laughed, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true.
A quick breath and she asked, “Why did you invite me out tonight?”
“What’s your life been like?” he asked. “In the last few weeks, how have things been?”
“Hard,” she admitted, her eyes on the salt shaker because she’d tighten down into silence if she saw him watching her. “I’m scared to go home. I’m actually scared of my own house. It’s always shouting and fighting.”
“That’s why,” and this time he surprised her. This time he didn’t hesitate when he reached across the table and covered her hand with his. A small comfort, but one that meant so much. When she looked at him again, she didn’t know if this was a date, but she knew it didn’t matter. Her feelings tightened and solidified and she knew she cared about him more than she ever could have expected.
Kayla hid the stab of disappointment when he said they should probably go. She didn’t want that night to end. But it looked like Seth had the same feeling because he didn’t drive back to her house. Instead they drove through a couple different streets. They talked the whole way, but she didn’t ask where they’d end up. She didn’t want to know. It was more fun when she didn�
��t know their destination.
“Do you like pool?” he asked when they parked.
“Like poking balls into holes?”
Seth smirked, “Yeah. Have you ever played?”
“Once,” she said. “Can’t say I’m very good at it.”
“I’ll teach you,” he said and clicked his door open.
Eating at her favorite place had been half laughing and flirting and half serious discussion about faith and whether humans were fundamentally good or broken. As they played through their three games of pool, it was just fun. It was the kind of fun Kayla couldn’t remember. Yes, she remembered the idea of having fun, and she could’ve named ten or twelve different moments that were fun, but the feeling, that was something she’d forgotten.
It was hearing him laugh when she slammed the pool stick too hard, bounced three balls off the table, and almost tripped a guy at the next table. It was hearing the music and bobbing her head to the beats. The other customers were all guys so the jukebox just blasted alternative stuff about angry singers. It wasn’t Kayla’s first choice, but she could let herself go with those beats. When Seth first noticed, he teased her. She teased him back about how he could name the one pop song that came on, a boy band that Kayla used to listen to with Allie and her other ex-friends.
Seth helped gave her some tips. He also stood behind her and helped her line up her first couple of shots. It made her want to mess up more, just for some more tutoring. She knew that was stupid, but he felt good. It felt good having someone close again, someone she could trust. More than anything, it felt good knowing that he wanted to take her out because of everything else. He didn’t want something from her.
When he looked at her, Kayla knew that she only saw him.
It didn’t feel like very long, but the clocks betrayed her by saying it was almost at her curfew. Kayla figured she could jump that imaginary line without much trouble from her parents. Neither parent wanted a potential enemy in the divorce. And it stung more, but Kayla was pretty sure they wouldn’t notice anyway. They’d either be gone, fighting, or sulking. Seth took the cue sticks and balls back to the front counter and came back.