by Davis, Jarod
When Kayla first joined Youth Group, she looked at the different guys without feeling much. It wasn’t like there was some insane pull that yanked her into a relationship. She got close to Dean, they were friends, and they started hanging out until it felt obvious they should be a couple. No heat, no draw, she kind of fell into that. She still cared about him and still liked seeing him every day. It still hurt when he was gone, but it wasn’t like she lost herself thinking about through a class.
This was loss. Like she got snapped up into an image of Seth. Stupid little things that might happen. Driving together, they’d get a flat. It would be late and they’d huddle for warmth. It would be her birthday, and he’d hide a rose behind his back. Valentine’s Day and he’d bring himself to buy one of those candy grams. Stupid little things, all little promises that he cared.
Each hope depended on him caring about her too. Yes, they were friends. Yes, he wanted to understand her, but that wasn’t because he cared about her. Not really. Kayla saw into his mind, but there wasn’t some spark of interest in her past her abilities. If she couldn’t slap someone down with a thought, he probably wouldn’t care about her. Maybe he still would’ve helped her, but that was just because
Seesawing between excited she liked him and depressed that he didn’t like her, Kayla bolted out of her first period and hoped to find something to concentrate on in her second class.
That’s why she didn’t see Alyssa until her ex-friend almost slammed into her. Allie scowled like always but wiped that look away beneath a semi-sweet smile, the one she wore when she wanted something. Her lips were thin lines that curved up like hooks, her eyes as hard as always.
“Kayla,” she said by way of greeting.
“Yeah?” Kayla didn’t care about the irritation reflected in her voice Allie was supposed to be her friend. If she was going to go mean, Kayla wouldn’t pretend to be nice either. Sometimes she wished she had talons and could scratch someone’s face off, but that kind of evil just wasn’t in her.
“Just wondering if you were thinking of going to Skate Night on Saturday.” Youth Group had outings like that every month. Kayla automatically thought back to all of her friends. Circling round and round, they’d laugh at each other whenever someone fell down then laugh even harder when they tried to pull themselves back up. Good music, nice guys, friendly people, it was an easy night. Kayla missed it. “Because you really should stay home. I think that would be best for everyone.”
“I’ll consider that.”
“You should. You really should.” Allie spoke like a friend, like that was just the friendly advice from someone who cared about her. “Just think about it. No one wants you there.”
“Or you don’t want me there?”
Allie smiled like she couldn’t know what Kayla meant. “I’m just looking out for you.”
Fighting never solved anything. That was the first lesson in Kindergarten. There was probably a test on it somewhere between blocks and naptime. Slapping Allie sounded like a great idea anyway.
If violence wouldn’t work, language might. Any four letter word would’ve worked. She could’ve settled for something with five instead. But she didn’t. She mumbled something about being late and pushed her way toward her next class.
After that, she felt lucky she had Seth to think about. Otherwise, she would’ve lost herself to thoughts about how friends weren’t friends and how her life fell apart.
There were a couple moments where Kayla thought back to how she and Seth were almost friends as freshmen. He was shorter back then and thinner too. Now his muscles pressed out against his shirts and when they stood close, she had to tilt her chin up to see his face. More than anything else, when she was by him, Kayla realized that she felt safe. That was new and old at the same time. Sitting with him, hearing his voice, it was like everything had to be okay. Those moments with him were precious in a way she didn’t quite know how to describe.
By lunch, Kayla started thinking about what it would feel like if he kissed her. She closed her eyes and drifted into a warmth and solidity that shouldn’t have been possible with just her imagination. Second by second, it was easy to think of what it would be like to know that someone like him cared about her.
It was only at lunch, when she saw Erin and Isaac again, that Kayla reminded herself that Seth was a survivor and a fighter. Seth didn’t want a relationship. Loneliness might’ve bled through his life and maybe he wanted a friend, but that didn’t mean he wanted a girlfriend or anything else that went with that kind of relationship. Frustrated, scared, hopeful, annoyed, and excited, she hated herself for those feelings and went to get something to eat. She sat with Isaac and Erin after she checked around for Seth. He wasn’t in the cafeteria, but she didn’t know if he ever ate there.
He didn’t hang out with anyone else, but she still wished he’d appear and want to say hi, at least. Stupid fantasy. She had to get out of her head and thinking about what she wanted to happen. They’d be friends. That was it. She’d smile and she’d like it.
Besides, Kayla reminded herself, she didn’t have a lot of people who wanted to be her friend.
Erin and Isaac snuggled together and teased each other back and forth. Kayla stared down at her sandwich. She didn’t want to disturb them. They deserved to be happy. In a perfect universe, she would’ve had somewhere to disappear to.
It didn’t matter. She mumbled something about going to the library, grabbed her stuff, and headed outside. Feeling masochistic and insane for a second, she peeked back at them. It wasn’t intentional. She didn’t mean to do it, but she thought about Seth. Isaac’s eyes were on Erin, all of his thoughts on her. Kayla saw there wasn’t anywhere else he’d want to be. Kayla thought about what it would feel like if Seth looked at her that way.
Outside the cafeteria, cold air battered her like it wanted to push her back inside. Halfway toward the library, she stopped, inhaled, held the cold in her lungs, and tried not to feel anything else. Please God, help me get through this. Seven words, silent, and she walked some more.
Kayla got past the science classrooms before she saw Seth and his friends up ahead. Empty pizza plates were scattered on the ground by their backpacks. She stopped for a second to watch them and almost felt like she saw something she wasn’t supposed to. It was like stumbling on animals in their native habitat. Maybe she didn’t want to be mean about it, but she never saw guys alone, not when they didn’t know she was there.
She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Seth’s two friends pushed against each other. In another second, the smaller guy tried to grapple his bulkier friend. It didn’t work and he got wrestled to the ground. Seth watched, no expression on his face. He glanced up and Kayla looked away, nervous, like he might’ve caught her doing something bad. Blush crept up her face which was just annoying which made her face even hotter against the winter cold.
Kayla kept walking like she didn’t see him see her. She was going to pass him. Even if she wouldn’t look at him, she could feel his eyes on her. It made her cheeks brighten some more, but she ignored him.
From behind her, she heard footsteps click off the cement walkway. When she glanced over her shoulder, Kayla couldn’t stop herself. Excitement fluttered through her stomach. But he didn’t have the smirk of some guy who knew he got to her.
His eyes were even, steady. He didn’t smile or grin or smirk. Instead, Seth took a careful step forward. It looked like he thought she’d bolt unless he was sure not to spook her.
“What?” she asked. It came out harsher than she expected.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she turned her back on him and kept walking. It was rude, it was mean, and it was supposed to give him the hint that he wasn’t supposed to follow. No matter how much, at any other time, she might’ve wanted him to.
Seth sped up just enough to walk beside her. He settled into her stride yet didn’t speak. “What’re you doing?”
“Walking,” he said simply.
> “Why?”
“You look like you could use the company,” he said. She fought the urge to glance over at him and get some sense of what he thought or felt.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re also a terrible liar. I mean, really, really bad. I have no idea why Vigo believed you when you said you didn’t know me.”
“That’s what this is about?” Kayla felt herself sink, like her stomach just closed up. It was nice, for a few steps there, to think he cared about her or wanted to make her feel better. “You’re worried I lied to you?”
When Kayla turned to him, his mouth was open, his eyes widened. “No,” he blinked like he wanted to hide something. Kayla knew what it was. She hurt him just there. But his jaw tightened down as he bit through whatever he felt. “No, that’s not it at all.” An anger or sadness he might’ve felt disappeared. “I was worried about you.”
“Why?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked, “You looked upset.”
“No I didn’t. I was fine. I’m fine.” Everything pressed on her. She could feel it squeez into her face, into her chest, pressing at every side. Allie. Her family. Her old friends. Everything spiked into her. She had to repeat it to herself, a new and broken prayer, “I am fine.”
“Kayla, you’re not.”
“You don’t know what I’m thinking.”
“But I can see you.” She wanted to storm off, an angry huff before she probably found some corner to cry in. He grabbed her before she could get away. He had her shoulder and pulled her closer. “Kayla, I know you’re upset. Please.” His voice dropped, and she felt the pressure and stress break away, just for a moment. “Let me help you.”
“You can’t do anything.”
“I can explode someone’s brain,” he said it, completely serious. She needed a second to smile, to realize that he was joking.
“You’re insane.”
“Sometimes,” he agreed.
Kayla kept walking, but she didn’t feel the instinct to slap him this time when he kept to her side. “You really don’t have to walk with me.”
“I know,” he told her. “You looked alone. I thought I’d make sure no one from the Alliance tries to grab you.”
“They’re not after me.”
“Good point. Then you can make sure they don’t grab me instead.” He smirked at her, mostly because Kayla was pretty sure he’d win in every kind of fight. Yeah, she held Sasha back, but it was Seth who almost killed her. He knew what it would feel like to have blood stain his clothes, his skin. In one joke, she felt very small beside him.
Kayla continued to walk, determined to keep an even pace. She wanted to get to the library where it would be warm and soft and easy, but if she really thought about it, she knew she couldn’t get away from everything that followed her. That didn’t include Seth.
“You decided to leave your friends today?”
“They wanted to be alone.”
“That was very nice of you.”
“Was that sarcasm?”
“A little.” He walked beside her but waited for a second. Kayla guessed he wanted that extra moment to figure out if he wanted to ask the next part. “What happened with your other friends? The Christians.”
“We had a fight.”
“All of you?” he asked. “That doesn’t sound very moral.”
“Not all of us. Me and one other person who has way more influence and control over everyone else than I ever, ever would’ve guessed.”
“That sucks.” He didn’t wait as long this time, “If you like, I could explode his brain.”
“Her.”
“Fine,” he said without any of the trepidation that marked that first question. “I’ll blow up her brain. It wouldn’t be hard.”
“Are you serious?”
“No. Not at all.” She still couldn’t tell, but when she looked at him, Kayla was sure he wouldn’t do something li. If he could, if it did happen, it would be an accident. “I’m a good guy, remember?”
“You’re mocking me.”
“Yup.”
“You can be pretty mean sometimes.”
“Yes. Yes I can.”
“But you’re not mean to me?”
“What makes you say that?” he asked. “In the last five minutes I’ve joked about killing people five or six times. Doesn’t this make you uncomfortable? Doesn’t this make you just a little scared?”
“No.”
“Huh.”
Kayla thought back to the fantasies which chased her through that morning. She obviously couldn’t say anything about those, but it seemed different with him. He wanted to give her the explanation he deserved, “When I look at you, I just don’t see any evil.”
“Because it’s something you can see?”
“Not always.”
“Like your mean friend whose head you don’t want me to explode?”
“Not always,” Kayla said again. “But you have a sense of it. You can look at someone and see how they act and how they treat others. Just now, you proved you weren’t bad when you came and talked to me.”
“Unless I wanted to tease you.”
“Sure,” Kayla said. “But you also made me feel better.”
“Did I now?”
“Don’t be a jerk,” she said. “I’m serious. You did something nice. And I think you’ll keep doing it.”
“What if I did something worse? What if I killed someone?” Kayla didn’t want to follow this thought, but she didn’t stop. She wouldn’t ignore her instincts. That’s why she just shrugged the same way Isaac would have.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“I thought you believed in morals.”
“I do, and I think you do too.”
“Bad assumption,” he said. “Believe something like that in a fight and you could get yourself killed really easily.” He smiled, a flash of his teeth. He wasn’t a predator, but he could have been very easily. His look of rage and fight disappeared though when he asked, “What happened?” It was like he thought she wouldn’t know what he meant, “What hurt you today?”
“It was Allie. We used to be friends. She wanted to know if I was going to this thing on Saturday.” When she said it, she expected that rip inside of her to open up again. With Seth right there, it didn’t.
“It’s important. Isn’t it?”
Kayla didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t want to say that this part of her life had unraveled and would fade into nothing. She skipped Sunday, skipped the flagpole prayers, and didn’t talk to anyone. One more day would make it unofficially official. She was out. She wasn’t in Youth Group. She wasn’t friends with those people, those people who were close, those people who had the same beliefs, and used to make her a better person.
“It is.”
“I’m sorry.” It wasn’t just something he would have said. Seth made it sound important, these two words that were true in a way it wouldn’t have been for anyone else.
“You don’t think I deserve it?”
“You?” he laughed. “What could you have possibly done?”
“I didn’t try to help my parents.”
“Your adult parents? The ones who are probably going through something we couldn’t begin to imagine? The ones over whom you have absolutely no control?” he asked. “Those are the parents you’re talking about?”
Kayla just gave a meek, “Yeah.”
“No, you shouldn’t have tried to get them back together. This isn’t some Disney movie where you and your wacky twin will get to reunite your families with some hilarious hijinks. Be glad no one’s dead and leave it at that.” Another joke, more humor, but Kayla heard something else. Rage or regret simmered beneath those words. “You don’t have any reason to feel guilty.”
When Kayla didn’t say anything, Seth added, “If it helps, it sounds like your friend is bat crap crazy.” Confident and assured, he said it like there weren’t any other possibilities. Despite that crater somewhere in her chest, Kayla smiled back at
him.
“What would you do?”
It took him a second to flounder through getting his face back to that neutral detachment he always wore unless he was busy mocking someone. She half-expected some obvious answer. He’d say yes because he thought that’s what she wanted to hear or he’d say no because he was Seth and didn’t care about what she wanted to hear. But he surprised her, “What does this mean?”
This time it was her turn to pause.
“Saturday is this weekly outing thing we do for our group. I’ve always really liked them. We were close, really close. Like I thought I knew all of them.”
“But they turned their backs on you.” Kayla couldn’t tell if it was a question.
“If I don’t go on Saturday, it’ll be like I’m admitting that I won’t be there anymore.”
Seth didn’t say anything for a minute or two. It was long enough that Kayla started to wonder if he was going to say anything at all. “I think you should let them go,” he said. It wasn’t the glib answer of someone who thought he was better than everyone else. Kayla heard people like that before. One kid from her English class said he was proud he didn’t have any friends. She always felt bad for him. “I think they’ve betrayed you and you can’t rely on them. You believe in good and evil, right?”
“Yes.”
“Then I’d say they’re evil.”
“That’s not true.”
“You’re their friend. They kicked you out because of something your parents are doing. At best, they’ve just made a mistake, but personally, I don’t care. They hurt you, badly. For that, I don’t see any forgiveness.”
“Forgiveness is possible.”
“Not always,” he said, “but then I guess that’s why I’m not a part of your religion.”
“You could be,” Kayla said. “Because I know that I need to forgive them. It’ll make me feel better, if nothing else.”