Craving Constellations

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  “Stay where you are. Just ’cause you turned into a sobbing mess, don’t mean you get to escape again.”

  I could hear the smile in his voice.

  “You’re such a jackass.” I giggled a little in response. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I usually don’t burst into tears at the slightest provocation.”

  “Eh, you’ve had a rough month. Don’t worry about it.” He started rubbing my back again. “We gotta figure this shit out though, Brenna. I’m still so pissed at you for keeping her from me. That’s so fucked.”

  “I know,” I sighed. “I’m sorry for not telling you who I was. At first, I was going to, and then I was just so afraid you would stop if you knew. I figured, what was one night? And then, it all changed. You were different than I thought. I wanted more, but I knew I’d fucked-up, and if I said anything, my pop was going to kill you—”

  “That shit’s water under the bridge. It’s over. Was I pissed? Yeah. But it’s over.” His hand gripped my hip as he spoke, and when he was finished, he started rubbing my back again. “I wanna know about Trix and how you ended up with that douche bag.”

  “I met Tony in college. We dated a bit, but I was busy during my senior year, and we sort of just stopped seeing each other. We weren’t together when I met you, just to be clear.” I looked up at him, and he nodded. “I thought he was hot, but there was no spark, you know? It was all sort of boring. When I got back to school, things were really busy for a while, and Tony was calling nonstop, wanting to see me. I had other shit to do, so I blew him off all the time. But then, when I realized our fun had some consequences, I needed a friend, so I called him up.”

  Dragon’s body went completely still. “And he just welcomed you with open arms even though you fucked someone else and were carrying another man’s kid?”

  “I wasn’t sure how he would react at first, but yeah, he just sort of stepped right in. I was thankful, you know? That he would step up like that. I was a mess. I missed you, I missed my pop, and I didn’t know what the hell to do. If I should come back or not? When he asked me to marry him, it just seemed like the easiest choice.”

  At my last sentence, Dragon dropped his arms, leaned away from me, and pressed against the couch. “Why the fuck didn’t you come to me, Brenna? I woulda taken care of you! What the fuck? You just forget about me? Just decide to pretend you didn’t fuck me any way you could get me?”

  Since he wasn’t holding me, I stood up and took a step away. “I don’t want this life! I don’t want to deal with club whores and my man going out on runs and being in danger all the time. I don’t want to visit you in prison. I don’t want Trix to have this life!”

  “Ah, so you just decided you’re too good for this life. I get it. Too good for me, too good for your pop, too good for Slider and Vera. So, instead, you marry some fuckin’ psychopath. Fuckin’ smart move, Brenna. Genius.” His voice had risen, and he was standing so that we were only a couple inches apart. “Tell me, what makes you think you’re so much fuckin’ better than us because it sure as shit isn’t your fuckin’ common sense!”

  “I don’t think I’m better than you! My pop is a good man, no matter what he does for a living, and Slider and Vera love me. I’m not better than them!”

  “Oh, so it’s just me then?” Dragon started to chuckle low and mean as he rubbed the back of his neck. “You know what your dad did in Ireland? Why he just up and moved here?”

  “No. We don’t talk about it, but obviously, you have something to say.” I folded my arms across my chest. This was going nowhere, and he had taken everything completely out of context.

  “Your Pop? You know the ‘good man’ you were talkin’ about? He was known as the Butcher of Dublin. A fuckin’ hit man.”

  I was shaking my head. “What are you talking about?” I couldn’t even wrap my head around what he’d just said, but he was still talking.

  “Your dad was a hit man, Brenna. He killed people for money. He was deep in one of the clubs over there, and when things got too hot, he came out here and hooked up with Slider’s pop.”

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  I couldn’t understand why he would bring this up now. I’d always known that my pop had a past. It wasn’t something that was hidden; we just didn’t talk about it. This explained so many things in my childhood, and I was going to talk to Pop about it soon, but seriously, why was he bringing it up?

  “You run and take my baby with you, but it’s not because of your pop who was a fuckin’ hit man. And it’s not because of the club. What the fuck is it, Brenna? You’re too good for me? Didn’t want your baby growing up with a grease monkey for a Daddy? Got a problem with the color of my skin?” He was raising his voice now and was glowering down at me.

  “N-no,” I stuttered. I was totally shocked that he thought I saw him that way, and I couldn’t get the words out to interrupt him.

  “You were good, but I’ve had better. Those little noises you make? Damn. But that timid act you did? Not gonna lie. That shit was annoying. You almost made up for it with that sweet fuckin’ pussy you’ve got, but now that that fucker has been in that shit? I doubt it’s sweet anymore—”

  He was on a roll, but I was fucking done, so I cut him off by slapping him across his face. My chest felt like it was breaking open, and I couldn’t pull enough air into my lungs. The best night of my life had been one of many mediocre ones for him. One of many—that was what I was. This was why I’d left. He wanted to know why I didn’t look back for five years? Then, I’d tell him, and he could choke on it.

  “You want to know why I left?” My voice was wobbling, and I worked hard to control it. “I left because I was crazy about you, and I didn’t want to watch you fuck around. I left because I never wanted to hear that garbage you just spewed all over me.”

  He raised his eyebrows at me in surprise.

  “I left because I never wanted to watch you get hurt. I never wanted to visit you in prison. I never wanted to have you come home, smelling like a chick I saw at the club.”

  He started to interrupt, and I raised my hand to stop him.

  “I was crazy about you, and you never said anything beyond that night. You never gave any indication you wanted more than that. I wasn’t going to come back and have you tuck me away in some house while you did whatever the fuck you wanted. I didn’t want you to hurt me.” I chuckled humorlessly and wiped the few tears that had made their way down my face. “But I guess it doesn’t matter now, does it? You’ve got a wife, and I’m stuck here. I left you and stayed away because I would rather be beaten to a pulp by Tony again than have you look at me and talk to me the way you just did, like I was nothing but an annoyance.”

  “Brenna—” His voice rang with remorse. He looked like he had gotten the wind knocked out of him. He looked sorry.

  But I was done. “I’m going to bed. Lock up when you leave.” I headed toward my room and Trix. I just wanted this day to be over with. I was exhausted and upset, and I just needed to hold my girl for a while.

  I got dressed quickly in shorts and a T-shirt and climbed under the covers with Trix, wrapping my arms around her. I tried to hear if Dragon had left, but I didn’t have the energy to get up and check. If he’d left, he would make sure everything was locked up tightly. I was almost asleep when I heard someone in the hallway, and I looked up as he walked into the room. He walked around the bed, and I had to twist my body in order to keep him in my sight.

  “Stayin’ here tonight.” He grabbed his shirt by the back of the neck and pulled it off, giving me a glimpse of his broad tattoo-covered chest in the moonlight.

  I was too tired to argue or wake Trix up. Honestly, part of me was kind of glad that Trix and I weren’t alone. I decided to just give up and deal with things in the morning. When I heard his jeans hit the floor and felt him slide in beside me, my body tensed. He spooned my back and wrapped his arms around Trix and me, pulling us in close. I tried to stay rigid, but the warmth against my back had me relaxi
ng all too soon.

  As soon as he felt me relax against him, he whispered in my ear, “Lied. Best I’ve ever had.” Then, he kissed my temple.

  I eventually heard his breathing even out and felt his body go heavy.

  The man had a wife. I knew this. I’d met her, but it didn’t seem to matter. He was lying with his arms wrapped so close around me, snoring softly, and I couldn’t help but feel glad that he was there. I was so confused. I had been running for so long that I didn’t know what to do with myself now. Did I want to stop running? I hadn’t felt so secure or at home in five years, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be an old lady. I had the same fears that had plagued me five years ago when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t know if raising Trix here was what I wanted to do, but I couldn’t take her away from Dragon now. Did he expect what he’d said to me to just change everything? That we’d start where we had left off the last time I saw him?

  My mind was racing. In my head, I reminded myself that he was taken, but I couldn’t get over the feeling that he had always been mine.

  It was hours before I fell asleep.

  I woke up to a rough hand rubbing back and forth across the tattoo covering my lower stomach. The white wall I was facing didn’t look familiar, but it only took a few seconds for me to realize where I was and who was lying behind me. I leaned up on one elbow, brushing my hair out of my face, and turned my head to look at the man behind me. Mornings had never been my best time of the day, and I blamed that on the sleepy smile I sent in his direction. His hair was a mess, and his eyes were adorably sleepy.

  I had seen him asleep before, five years ago, but never when he had just woken up. After our night all those years ago, I had left while he was sleeping to get something to drink and brush my teeth, fully intending to climb back into bed with him. The boys and their toys never woke up early after a party, and I was glad to have some extra time with him before we acted like strangers. But when I was scrambling to grab my toothbrush out of the bag in the backseat of my Bug, my pop and some of the boys pulled into the forecourt, and the opportunity for a lazy morning had vanished.

  “Hey, baby. Sleep good?” he asked me in a voice even scratchier than normal.

  “Yeah,” I replied in a soft voice, drinking in his morning scruff and the affectionate look he was sending me. “Where’s Trix?” I asked as I finally noticed she wasn’t in bed with us.

  “She woke up fuckin’ rarin’ to go, so I sent her to play in her room. You didn’t fall asleep for-fuckin’-ever last night, and you needed to rest.”

  “What do you mean I didn’t fall asleep?” I asked as I felt my face start to burn. “How would you know? You passed out right after you got in bed.”

  “Not gonna last long the way we live if you aren’t aware of your surroundings, babe. You were up ’til ’bout three. Your body didn’t relax ’til then.”

  The morning fog I’d been enjoying lifted as I realized he’d known I was awake and stewing for hours. I was irritated that he’d been awake the whole time I thought I’d been alone with my thoughts. My eyebrows furrowed, and I glared over at him.

  “I need to go check on the baby.”

  I tried to slip out from under his arm, but he tightened his grip and pulled me into him. He rolled from his side to partially on top of me, and his knee slipped between mine, trapping me under him.

  “She’s fine, Brenna. Why don’t you wipe that scowl off your face, and tell your man good morning?” he asked with an amused look in his eyes.

  “I don’t have a man, and I need to go check on my girl.” I pushed at his shoulders, but it didn’t seem to faze him.

  “Oh, you don’t got a man, huh?”

  “No, I don’t. Get off me. I need coffee. Trix needs breakfast. Why don’t you head on home to your wife? She can tell you good morning,” I grumbled, still trying to wiggle out of his arms.

  He started laughing, a rumble that started deep in his belly. It was annoying as hell. This wasn’t funny, and I wanted to get the hell away from him.

  “Got no wife. That what you’re pissed about? Kendra?” he asked, still looking down at me like he thought this whole situation was hilarious.

  “Yeah, Kendra. I doubt she’d be real happy if she saw you lying on top of me with your hands all over me. Now, get off!”

  I shoved as hard as I could, and his shoulders rocked back. As soon as I tried to scramble away, he wrapped both arms around me and leaned his chest into mine. My arms were completely immobile, and he dropped his head, so our faces were less than an inch apart.

  “You don’t need to worry about Kendra. I’ll worry about that. Hear me?”

  I glared back at him, not willing to have this conversation.

  “You hear me, Brenna? That’s none of your business.”

  His arms gave me a little shake, so I nodded, still refusing to say anything.

  “You say you got no man?” He waited a minute for an answer, but I didn’t say anything. “You just crawl in any man’s lap and bawl your eyes out? Huh? You just let any man crawl in bed with you and my daughter, curled up like a bunch of puppies?”

  I gasped at what he was insinuating. “Of course not! She didn’t even sleep with Tony and me!” Then, I realized the trap I’d walked right into.

  “You got any other man’s name tattooed on your belly?” he asked quietly.

  “It’s not your name.” I clenched my jaw tightly.

  “You have Draco tattooed on your belly,” he reminded me as if I didn’t know exactly what was written there.

  “Yes.” I nodded. “That’s not your name.”

  “We just pretending we don’t know what Draco means?” he asked incredulously.

  “I told you. It’s not for you.” I was beginning to panic at the direction this conversation was going.

  “Yeah, okay, Brenna. You wanna pretend like you and me aren’t what we are, that’s fine. I’m not gonna pretend. I’m not takin’ your bullshit either. Baby, I’ve been waitin’ five years for you. That shit’s never gone away. So, you can bitch and moan and make your own life miserable, or you can suck it the fuck up and get on the same page with me. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

  I opened my mouth to argue that he was wrong, but Trix slammed open the door and jumped up onto the bed.

  “Hi, Mama! Whatcha doin’?” She looked back and forth between Dragon and me curiously.

  I was trying to inconspicuously pull myself out of his arms, but he wasn’t letting go.

  “Morning, baby girl. You hungry?” I asked her, trying to act like I wasn’t lying under a man she’d met just two weeks ago.

  She’d never seen anything even remotely like this when we lived with Tony. She had known not to come into our bedroom.

  “Yeah, can I have yogurt for breakfast? We have the good kind in the fridge. I checked!” She started squirming like she was in a hurry.

  “Sure. You remember where the spoons are? Next to the fridge in the drawer,” I answered her as she climbed back off the bed. “Sit up at the table!” I called, but she had already run down the small hallway, leaving my bedroom door wide open.

  “I think she just wanted to see what we were doin’ in here,” Dragon said with a smile.

  “Get off me! What the hell is a matter with you? She’s four! She doesn’t need to see some strange man in my bed, lying on top of me.”

  I finally slid away from him and crawled to the edge of the bed, climbing down and spinning around to send a glare his way. I expected him to laugh at me or be pissed. I figured with his hot and cold personality, it could really go either way at this point. What I didn’t expect was for him to stand up and pull on his jeans with a completely blank expression on his face. I stood there stupidly, trying to figure out where his head was at, as he pulled on his T-shirt, and I caught another glimpse of the tattoos covering his torso. They looked like little dots all over his skin. I couldn’t see them very well, but it looked like they covered his whole chest and stomach. When he finished dressing
, he walked around the bed and stood, looking down at me. I was frozen to the spot by his complete lack of expression.

  “I’m not a stranger. I’m her dad. She knows I’m her dad. Don’t know who fuckin’ told her. I’m just glad I didn’t have to explain it. She’ll get used to me bein’ in your space ’cause I’m gonna be there a lot. She’ll also get used to me in your bed ’cause that’s where I’ll be sleepin’. Moms and dads sleep together. It’s normal. You got any other concerns, you’re gonna have to bitch at me later. I got places to be.”

  As soon as he stopped talking, he wrapped a big hand around the back of my neck and pulled my face up to his for a quick kiss, rubbing his tongue along my bottom lip and then biting my top lip softly. His expression never changed, and before I could say anything, he had walked out into the hallway. I followed slowly behind him and watched him smile at Trix, kiss the top of her head, and then head out the door.

  It was like any other family in America—the kid ate breakfast, and the mom stood there in her pajamas while the daddy headed off to work. Well, almost the same, I thought to myself as I watched him slide his cut onto his shoulders and then listened to the roar of pipes seconds later.

  Not long after Dragon left and I got dressed for the day, we heard gravel crunching as someone drove toward the house. I’d forgotten how quiet it was out here. We’d lived in a neighborhood and then at the clubhouse, which always had people coming and going. The silence was nice and provided the added benefit of always knowing when someone was driving up. It gave me a little peace of mind; no one would get here on foot as we were too far out in the boonies. Trix ran to the window, already bored with the cartoons she’d been watching.

  “Auntie Vera!” she squealed and then ran for the door.

  Well, this wouldn’t be pleasant. Vera had been giving me the cold shoulder since the night we had dinner at her place. I was surprised she was showing up here. Trix threw open the door, and I caught sight of Vera opening up the back door of her car and then popping the trunk.