“Is her mom okay?”
“Yes, thankfully. Full remission and everything’s back to normal.”
“And you guys are still together?” I prodded.
“We are. She lives in Topeka though. She’s actually spending the summer in Italy on an exchange.”
“How’s that going?” I asked, wondering if I’d be able to be away from Jesse for that long, and he laughed a little.
“It sucks,” he said flatly. “It’s only for a couple of months though, right? Not that much can change in two months.”
“No, I guess not,” I said, hoping he was right.
****
When I got home from work that afternoon, Jesse wasn’t there. My grandma said she hadn’t seen him all day. A part of me was worried about him and I took out my phone, wondering if I’d missed a call or a text from him. I hadn’t. I tried remembering my discussion with Matt, but it was hard to just sit around and wait. I was anxious to hear what he’d learned from his uncle. Before I could talk myself out of it, I dialed his number and tapped my fingers on my thigh as I waited for him to answer. He finally did after the fourth ring.
“Hey,” I said, trying to sound supportive, and not overly cheerful when he picked up. “How’s everything going?”
“It’s okay,” he said and I couldn’t tell how to read his voice.
“Where are you now?”
“I’m just getting ready to leave Glenn’s house.”
“Are you coming back here?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a few,” and with that, he hung up. I stared down at the phone curiously because of his abrupt end to the conversation. I tried brushing it off though and I went into the kitchen and made myself a sandwich while playing a few rounds of a mindless game on my phone to kill some time. I headed upstairs then and changed into a pair of comfortable yoga pants and a t-shirt. I stood in front of the vanity in my room, undoing my ponytail so my dark hair fell down my back. I fluffed it and scratched my scalp for a moment, something that always felt great when it’d been tied back all day.
“I love when your hair is all wild like that.” Jesse’s deep voice interrupted my thoughts and I turned to see him leaning against the door frame, arms crossed over the black t-shirt he was wearing. He was smiling at me the way he had before his dad passed away and I couldn’t help my mind from drifting to our morning together.
“My hair’s a mess,” I sighed.
“I think it’s hot.”
He stepped into my room and sat down on the bed. I walked over, sitting down beside him as I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He took my hand and just held it for a few moments. I waited for him to tell me about his visit with his uncle, but he didn’t.
“Is Glenn settled in?” I finally asked.
“Yeah. This woman, Patty, is there helping him. I guess she’s his girlfriend or used to be or something. I don’t really know.”
“Did you find out anything…about your dad?”
“Yeah. He told me my dad kept a strong box at the house so I went back and found it and brought it back to Glenn’s. We went through the stuff in there. He had a will and in it, he left everything to me and since I’m 18, I don’t need an executor or anything. I guess I’m an adult, even though I sure as hell don’t feel like one right now,” he sighed and I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and he kept on talking. “He had a life insurance policy that should cover the funeral expenses and he had some money in savings that should tide me over for a little while.”
“That’s good, right?” I asked positively and he turned to face me, a straight line on his face.
“I guess so,” he mumbled and I wondered if I’d said something wrong.
The sound of my phone ringing interrupted us and I looked at him apologetically before I went to answer it, stepping into the bathroom when I saw it was Holly.
“How’s Jesse?” she asked the moment I answered.
“He’s just trying to get everything situated for the service on Saturday.”
“We’ve all been trying to reach him, but he’s not returning any of our calls,” she said and I could hear the concern in her voice. “We even went out to his house last night.”
“He’s staying with me right now and about the phone calls, he’s just…he’s just got a lot to do.”
“We’re worried about him. Can we come over tonight to see him? We’ll bring some pizza and just hang out.”
“I don’t know, Holly. He’s not been acting like himself.”
“Which is why we need to be there. We’ll take his mind off of everything. We’ll be there at six, okay?”
“Alright,” I said hesitantly. I hung up the phone, but didn’t go back into my room right away. Maybe Holly was right. Maybe a distraction would be a good thing for Jesse.
I walked back into my bedroom and he was still sitting on the edge of the bed the way I’d left him.
“So, who was so important you had to sneak off to take the call in the bathroom? Do you have a secret boyfriend I don’t know about?” he laughed.
“It was Holly,” I said, returning to my spot next to him.
“What’d she want?”
“To tell me they’re coming over tonight to see you,” I answered and he let out a noticeable sigh.
“I don’t want to see them,” he said firmly.
“Well, they want to see you. Holly said you haven’t returned anyone’s calls.”
“In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve had a lot of things on my mind besides returning phone calls.” His voice was cold, a tone I wasn’t used to from him, and I didn’t like it.
“They’re worried about you, Jesse.”
“Well, I don’t need anyone to worry about me, okay?” he said, standing up and walking out of the room as I stared at the empty doorway, tears forming in my eyes at his abrupt departure. I heard his heavy footsteps going down the stairs, but then they stopped suddenly and a moment later I heard the footsteps coming back up. He was in the doorway to my room again a second later, looking regretful. “I’m sorry,” he said, his shoulders hanging limply. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“It’s okay,” I said with a reassuring smile and I hoped he didn’t see the tears on the edge of my eyes. “Do you want me to call Holly and tell them not to come?” I asked nervously and he shook his head.
“No. I think it’ll actually be good to hang out.”
“I think so too,” I agreed and then I got up and followed Jesse downstairs.
When our friends got there a few hours later, it was strange. It was usually so easy for all of us to be together, but when they first arrived, it was anything but. I could tell none of them knew what to say or how to act. Brandon seemed especially uncomfortable, as was Jesse. They sat together on the couch, hardly saying anything as the rest of us tried to maintain some sort of meaningful conversation that avoided the topic of Jesse’s dad’s death without being too lighthearted. This proved to be most difficult for Mandy, who was known for being an airhead.
“So, what are you gonna do now, Jesse? I just can’t believe you have to deal with this. I mean you’re all alone and I just don’t see how you’re gonna do it,” Mandy finally said during a lull in the conversation as we ate our pizza and I cringed the moment she spoke.
“Seriously, Mandy?” Laura said, glaring at Mandy.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay,” Jesse spoke up. “It’s a fair question. And the truth is, I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do.”
Mandy’s mouth formed into a perfect O as she watched Jesse stand up and walk out onto the front porch. I immediately went after him, but not before I heard a sea of chastisement from our friends directed at Mandy. I knew she hadn’t meant to be cruel. She was just curious and concerned, but the whole point of them coming over was to provide a distraction and aside from a few hugs and “I’m sorrys” from everyone when they’d arrived, we hadn’t discussed Jesse’s dad at all…not until Mandy brought it up.
When I walked outside he was
standing at the end of the porch teetering on the edge in more ways than one. His hand was holding onto the railing and his head was down. I knew he was trying to hide it, but I could hear the sniffles. He was crying. I walked up to him slowly, resting my hand on his back.
“I think I’m gonna head home,” he said quietly.
“No, Jesse. Please stay. I don’t want you to be alone tonight,” I pleaded and then he turned to me and I saw the pain in his eyes staring back at me.
“I am alone,” he said, turning away and walking briskly to his Wagoneer. A moment later, he was driving away and I could do nothing but cry as the trail of dust followed him.
****
My friends didn’t stay long after Jesse left and I could tell everyone was still annoyed at Mandy for upsetting Jesse. I tried to reassure her that it was okay, but I knew she felt horrible. When they left, it felt strange being there without Jesse. I explained to my mom what happened and again she told me he just needed his space. I was tired of hearing that from her. She may be right, but I couldn’t let him suffer alone. No one should be alone in a situation like the one he was going through.
I tried sleeping, but the house was too quiet. I looked at the clock and saw 12:43 a.m. glaring back at me in big red numbers. I hadn’t heard a word from Jesse and he’d ignored my calls and texts, but I had to know he was okay. I didn’t bother changing out of my pajamas: a pair of shorts and an old t-shirt. I just slipped on my flip flops and grabbed my keys, sneaking quietly down the stairs. I didn’t tell my mom I was leaving. She’d tell me I couldn’t go and that I had to let Jesse work through this the way he needed to. I didn’t want to hear it though and I carefully opened the front door, closing it quietly and tiptoeing to my Jetta. I made sure the headlights were off until I was away from the house and cruising down the highway.
The house was dark when I got to Jesse’s place. I turned the car off and walked up to the front door. I wasn’t surprised to find it unlocked. Rocky and Jasper started barking when I walked in, but they calmed down once they realized it was me. I scratched them each behind the ears and then turned on the kitchen light before making my way towards Jesse’s room. I peeked my head in, using the faint light from the kitchen to look in, but I was surprised to find his bed was empty. It looked as if it hadn’t even been slept in. A pit of worry began to creep into my gut and I went to Mr. Baylor’s room, wondering if perhaps he’d decided to sleep in there. But, when I looked in there, it was empty too. My heart started pounding from the nerves as I went to the living room, but he wasn’t there either.
I hurried back outside, followed by the dogs and looked around. It took me a second to realize what was missing and once I did, I had an idea about where he might be. The mule wasn’t parked in its usual spot and I thought back to what Jesse had told me once about the place he went to to get away and think.
I went back inside, quickly grabbing a flashlight from the utility closet and then I started jogging down the trail Jesse and I had driven down in the mule more times than I could count. Rocky and Jasper trotted beside me and I figured it couldn’t be more than a half a mile from the house. If I jogged, it wouldn’t take me that long. Still, that didn’t stop me from being completely creeped out from being out there all alone with no guarantee that Jesse would even be at the end. The dogs made me a feel a little better, but I was still anxious.
A while later, I’d slowed to a walk. The flip flops were making the jog difficult. The flashlight shone in front of me, lighting up the path and then I spotted it: the hunting platform Jesse and his dad had built. When he first took me out to it, he’d told me it was where he went when he wanted to get away. I knew he wanted nothing more than to escape right now.
I paused for a moment, staring up at it. It was where he’d first opened up to me about his life, the place I’d first acknowledged my feelings for Jesse, the place we’d first kissed. I took a deep breath, hoping he would be there.
I approached quietly. The dogs sat down by the ladder while I tucked the flashlight under my arm and began climbing carefully, thinking back to the first time I’d climbed it, completely terrified that it’d collapse. Jesse had been there to support me though just as I was going to be there for him whether he wanted me to or not.
When I got to the top, I breathed a sigh of relief. There was a sleeping bag on the top of the platform and I could see Jesse’s crumpled form on top of it. He was on his side with his back to me and I climbed onto the lean-to carefully. He didn’t move and I was surprised he hadn’t heard me. As I got closer, I saw the unmistakable white wires of earphones cascading down his neck to where he was holding his iPod. The iPod was on, but he was asleep. I laid down on the sleeping bag, spooning myself against him. He was so warm and when I slipped my arms around his waist, he jumped, pulling the earphones out and quickly turning around, the shock evident in his eyes when he saw me.
“Riley!” he exclaimed breathlessly. “What are you doing here?”
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said, reaching up and stroking his cheek. “I couldn’t sleep. I had to make sure you were okay.”
“How’d you find me out here?” he whispered.
“It was the only logical place to look when I couldn’t find you in the house.”
“You walked all the way out here?” he asked and his brow creased in concern and I nodded. “Are you crazy? You shouldn’t be out here alone at night.”
“And neither should you,” I said softly as I leaned in, brushing my lips against his. “I know you said you wanted to be alone, but…”
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said, cutting me off and he smiled at me as he kissed me again. “So glad you’re here,” he said between kisses and the nerves that had been consuming me started to calm.
He rolled onto his back, and I rested my head on his chest, both of us staring up into the clear night sky. I swear you could see every star in the solar system.
“I didn’t want to be in the house without him yet,” Jesse began and I was glad he was talking to me. “It was weird when I got home. I expected him to be there. I expected to smell his cigars. I expected the TV to be on too loud. I expected something, but there was nothing. My dad’s really gone, Riley. He’s not coming back. I know he wasn’t the best dad, but he did the best he could for me. He was always there. My mom never wanted me, but I always had my dad, and now they’re both gone. I’ve got no one to tell me what to do, no one to help me. Dammit,” he rambled, his voice urgent. “I just graduated high school. I’m 18 years old and I’m on my own. I’m scared, Riley. Scared as hell.”
“I know you’re scared, but please, Jesse, please don’t push me away. We’ll get through this…together.” I sat up and smiled down at him, brushing the hair from his forehead.
“I don’t mean to push you away. I may not be showing it, but you’re the only thing getting me through this. When I feel like I’ve got nothing now, I see your smile and the way your nose crinkles when you laugh,” he said sweetly, his finger reaching up and touching the tip of my nose. “And I see your brown eyes and I feel your arms around me and I know I don’t have anything, I have you and I’m so grateful for that.”
I felt a tear streak down my cheek and he brushed it away.
“I love you,” I said to him and he smiled again, pulling me down until I was nestled on his chest again. I held onto him and he held onto me. A train whistle blew in the distance and I nuzzled in closer to him until he fell asleep. I stared up at the sky and tears fell silently down my cheeks. I felt like I was losing him, even though I was wrapped in his arms.
I don’t know how long it took me to fall asleep, but we woke up when the sun began peeking over the horizon. Jesse drove me back to the house in the mule and after we said goodbye, I drove home, making it back to the safety of my bedroom before my mom could become the wiser.
Chapter Twelve
When Saturday came, I was surprised at how well Jesse held up. After our talk that night on the hunting platform, he’d seemed
more himself, although still quieter than usual. He’d continued staying at his house at night, although he promised me he wasn’t sleeping outside anymore.
The funeral was small, but nice. The flowers Jill and Matt had prepared were beautiful and some of Mr. Baylor’s friends told of good memories with Jesse’s dad. Jesse, however, didn’t speak and neither did his uncle. I watched Glenn subtly and I could tell it was not easy for him to be there. I guessed he was suffering from some sort of survivor’s guilt and I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, knowing he’d survived while his brother had not.
I was at Jesse’s side the whole time and I couldn’t help but take notice of how handsome he looked. I rarely saw Jesse in anything besides jeans and a t-shirt, but he chose to wear the same suit he had to Homecoming and he looked so mature.
There wasn’t a grave side service, but Jesse wanted to be there when they laid his father to rest and I was honored when he asked me to join him. It was just him and me at the grave and he was quiet. He just stood there, staring down at the casket as he held my hand. We were there for a while and then Jesse placed his hand on the casket and whispered, “I love you, Dad,” before we returned to the car and drove back to his house.
We were surprised to see cars out front when we got there. When we walked inside, our friends were there and Jesse seemed to grab my hand tighter when he saw them.
“I hope you don’t mind that we’re here,” Holly began. “A bunch of people wanted to make you food so you wouldn’t have to worry about that. We just stocked your fridge and freezer and you should be set for a while.”
“Thanks. That was nice of you guys,” Jesse said softly and he went over and looked inside the fridge before turning to look at us. “You weren’t kidding. I won’t have to worry about eating till next month.” He closed the door and sat at the table. I remained standing, leaning against the counter as I watched him. He seemed tense, but then he smiled at our friends.
“Thank you for doing this,” he said and I felt my eyes grow warm as I watched him in our circle of friends. They loved him as much as I did and I was grateful that even though he’d pushed them away the last time we were together, they hadn’t given up on him.
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