Far From Home

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  “Okay, well…um, have fun tonight, okay?” I said, smiling through the threatening lump in my throat. I didn’t want to nag anymore, and if I was being honest with myself, I just wanted to get the hell out of that place.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” he said and I nodded. I was surprised he didn’t apologize for snapping at me, but I wasn’t going to press it.

  “Gimme a call whenever. I work till four o’clock,” I said, in control of my voice, for the time being anyway. I turned to walk out of the office, but I heard his voice as my hand rested on the door to go outside.

  “Riley,” he called and I turned to see him at the end of the hallway and I had to fight the urge to go to him and pull him back to the door to come with me. “I love you,” he said with a nervous smile and I knew that was his way of apologizing. I just walked out, able to hold my tears back until I’d started driving away.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It was a weird night. I’d slept, but it was a restless sleep and my mind kept drifting to Jesse. He’d once promised to never hurt me and up until now, he hadn’t. I knew he wasn’t being intentionally mean, but that knowledge didn’t help the pain go away. I was frustrated and didn’t know what to do. I’d tried becoming a chameleon as Matt had suggested, but I didn’t like changing to meet Jesse’s needs. The truth was, I was having a hard time with the person Jesse was changing into. I told myself it would pass. He just needed time to grieve and I needed to be patient and understanding. As much as I hated to admit it, I’d always been a selfish person. That had been more than obvious to my friends though, including Jesse, when I first moved to Carver. I’d been a self-centered, spoiled snob, but I thought I’d changed. I’d thought everything I’d been through had helped me to become a better person. My frustration with Jesse was making me question if that was still the case.

  When I got to work, I learned Jill was taking the day off to go to some appointments so it would just be Matt and I in the store. I liked the idea of it just being him and me. I could relax and Matt and I didn’t have to listen to the country music Jill insisted on playing over the shop’s PA system.

  “I got you a present,” Matt said shortly after I got to work.

  “You got me a present?” I said curiously.

  “Well, I made you a present,” he said and walked over to the backpack he’d brought with him to work. He came over to where I was working on a large bouquet of tulips and held out a CD for me.

  “What’s this?”

  “It’s just a CD I thought you might like. It’s a band I got to know from a friend up at K-State. I know you’re going through some stuff right now. This CD helped me through that time with Taryn and her mom.” I looked up at him and smiled warmly. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts I’d ever received. Then I noticed his face looked nervous.

  “Thank you, Matt,” I said sincerely.

  “I hope you don’t think I’m a loser or something. I debated about even giving it to you,” he said, starting to ramble and I reached over, touching his arm gently to stop him.

  “I don’t think you’re a loser. It was really thoughtful of you. I can’t wait to get home and listen to it.”

  “We could listen to it now,” he suggested and I nodded, handing him the CD.

  “So what’s this band called?” I asked as he slid it into the CD player.

  “For King & Country,” he answered as the gentle melody of a piano and xylophone came through the speakers, followed by the haunting lyrics: Hope sleeps without me, sweet dreams surround me but I’m left out. I need a reason to believe, to feel. These rooms are dark now, these halls are hollow and so am I.

  My body froze as I listened to the haunting melody, my mind instantly turning to Jesse. I knew it was exactly how he was feeling.

  “Are you okay?” Matt asked a moment later.

  “Yeah, this song is just really beautiful,” I said softly. “It makes me think of Jesse.”

  “I thought it would,” he said from across the room and then I looked over to him, deciding it was safe to talk to him.

  “I’m not very good at the whole chameleon tactic you suggested.”

  “Why do you say that?” he asked.

  “He was a jerk last night.”

  “He doesn’t mean to be,” Matt said gently. “He’s grieving. You can’t take anything he says or does to heart.”

  “It’s just hard and so unlike him. He didn’t return any of my calls or texts so I went to his work, just to make sure he was okay…” I said and then Matt stopped me.

  “Is that the real reason?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “What I mean is that you knew he was okay, you just weren’t comfortable with not being in control of your situation, of him not keeping you informed…of him not needing you.”

  “I thought you said you hadn’t started your core classes yet. You’re not supposed to be analyzing me, remember?” I said with a playful glare and he just laughed.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. Please continue.”

  “Regardless of the reason, I went to his work and he was short and cold and he told me to back off. It was so unlike him.”

  “I know it hurts, Riley, but when people are going through stuff like this, they usually take it out on those they care about the most.”

  I shook my head as I stopped to think about it. I knew Matt was right and I told myself to remember that as I paused to focus on the lyrics. I won’t turn to dust now. Let these tears rust now on my face. Give me the spark now to believe, to see, hope is what we crave and that will never change. It’s written on my soul, hope’s what you gave. The words caused my eyes to warm with tears and my heart to ache. I only hoped Jesse could feel hope soon.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I hadn’t spoken to Jesse since I went to his work and as I lay on my bed after dinner, staring at the ceiling and listening to the CD Matt had given me, I wondered if I’d hear from Jesse at all. Aside from sleeping, we’d never gone more than a couple of hours without being in communication. It had now been nearly twenty-four hours and there was a constant sick feeling in my stomach. It took every ounce of my willpower not to pick up the phone and call him, but I couldn’t bother him right now. He’d told me he would call me after work and I had to trust him. He would call because he said he would and Jesse never lied.

  I picked up the phone, not to call Jesse, but to text Matt to tell him how much I was enjoying the CD.

  ME: THANKS AGAIN FOR THE CD. I LOVE IT!

  MATT: GLAD UR ENJOYING IT. I HAVE SOME MORE MUSIC YOU MIGHT LIKE IF UR INTERESTED.

  ME: DEFINITELY! YOU’VE GOT GOOD TASTE.

  MATT: THERE’S A MUSIC FESTIVAL IN WICHITA IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS. YOU AND JESSE WANNA COME?

  ME: SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

  MATT: K. GOTTA RUN. C U TOMORROW.

  ME: NIGHT.

  I sighed, setting the phone on my chest and I looked over at the picture of Jesse and me I kept on my nightstand. It was a candid shot Mandy had taken at prom and I loved it. He looked so good and the smile on his face warmed my heart. I ached for him and as another poignant song came through the speakers, I turned on my side, hugging a pillow to my chest as I tried not to focus on how much I was missing my boyfriend.

  Just then, I heard a sound of something hitting the glass of my window and I sat up, turning my head towards it. I heard the sound again, one right after another, a quiet tink-tink sound and I stared back at the window peculiarly. When I heard it again, I moved quickly from my bed to the window, lifting it up so the late June air, warm and heavy, invaded my room.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” a familiar voice called up to me and I looked down to see Jesse standing below my window, smiling up at me in a pair of faded jeans and a plain white t-shirt. He looked as if he’d just come from work, with his hair all disheveled. I smiled a huge smile of relief and happiness as I stared down at him. He looked so content and I couldn’t wait to be in his arms.

  “What are you doing?” I
laughed as I noticed the handful of pebbles in his palm.

  “Calling someone is so cliché. But, throwing stones at the girl of your dream’s window is pretty romantic, don’t you think?”

  I felt my smile grow bigger as he grinned up at me, looking entirely too hot.

  “I’ll be right down,” I called, closing the window quickly and slipping on my sandals as I trotted down the stairs.

  “Where are you going in such a hurry?” my mom’s voice called when I headed to the front door. She was sitting on the couch, watching TV with Jack while he rubbed her feet. I had to admit it weirded me out a bit to see them acting affectionate like that.

  “Jesse’s outside.”

  “I haven’t seen him in a couple of days. How’s he holding up?” she asked.

  “So-so,” I answered honestly, and then put my hand on the doorknob. “We’ll be outside.”

  I didn’t wait for my mom to say anything else before I opened the door and walked over to him at the spot under my window. I walked quickly and before I realized it, his arms were around me, holding me tightly as he lifted me off my feet, spinning around.

  “That was quite a greeting,” I laughed when my feet finally hit the ground.

  “I’ve missed you,” he said and then swooped down and started kissing me eagerly. I returned the kiss, enjoying this turn of events. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d seen Jesse so playful and I hadn’t expected it.

  “I’ve missed you too,” I said as he took my hand, raising it to his lips and kissing the back of it. “What was with the throwing stones at my window thing?”

  “I’ve always wanted to try it. I just had to find the right girl worth risking breaking a window over,” he grinned playfully and then looked at me apologetically. “I’m sorry I haven’t called or anything all day. I was crazy busy at work and then I got a phone call asking me to meet at this lawyer’s office. I just got back from there,” he said as he held my hand and we started walking around the property, our feet brushing slowly against the dirt and gravel. We were walking leisurely as we wandered aimlessly, just enjoying each other’s company. There was a half-moon overhead that illuminated the sky, casting enticing shadows over Jesse’s profile and I couldn’t stop staring at him.

  “I’m just glad you’re here now,” I said, squeezing his hand supportively as we walked, and then I decided to ask him about his trip to the lawyer. “So…” I began hesitantly. “Why’d you go to a lawyer?”

  “Turns out,” he said, smiling over to me. “My dad had mortgage insurance that was set up to pay it off if he died. The lawyer was taking care of everything and I had to go sign the papers to take care of the house.”

  “So, it’s all paid for then?”

  “Yes,” he sighed. “That’s one less thing I have to worry about now. The rest of the insurance money should be coming soon and I’ve gotta tell you, I’m so relieved. So relieved, Riley,” he said, stopping in his tracks and turning me to face him. He stared down at me with his gray eyes that appeared hopeful for the first time in a long time. His right hand reached up and pushed a piece of hair behind my ear while his left hand cupped my cheek. “I haven’t been good to you, Riley. When we first got together, I promised to never hurt you, but you’ve been hurting and I’m sorry. I hope you know I would never hurt you intentionally.”

  “I know that, Jesse,” I whispered. “You don’t need to apologize for anything.”

  “I do, though. I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing lately. I act like a dick and then I apologize, as if that makes it alright. That’s why I didn’t apologize when you came by my work the other night and I snapped at you. I figured you didn’t want to hear an I’m sorry from me one more time.”

  “It’s okay, really. I’m just glad you’re here.”

  “I’ve just been overwhelmed with everything. Not just my dad’s death, but with how I’m going to just live my life day to day. I never realized how much my dad did till he wasn’t there to do it anymore. Talking to the lawyer today gave me a little hope.”

  “I’ve been so worried about you,” I said honestly, looking at him pleadingly so he could see how much I cared about him.

  “I know you have and I didn’t mean to worry you, but thank you for caring enough about me to worry, but things are getting better and we can just try and relax a little now.”

  I smiled at him and I was certain he had no idea how relieved those words made me. I felt my eyes fill with tears as I saw sparks of my Jesse coming back. Our bodies drifted closer and when our lips met it was sweet and tender and I’d never felt more connected to him than I did at that moment.

  Chapter Sixteen

  He didn’t know I was coming, but I wanted it that way. It was a Sunday morning and a rare day off for Jesse. He’d been showing little signs of returning to his normal self and I wanted to take advantage of it, showing him he wasn’t alone and that life could go on and everything would be okay.

  My grandma and I had spent the morning preparing a picnic to outdo all other picnics. When Jesse saw what I’d packed in the old basket I found in the garage, there was no way he could say no and no way he wouldn’t have fun. I wanted to take his mind off of things, if even only for a little while, and I had no doubt my grandma’s chicken salad sandwiches, cole slaw, deviled eggs and cucumber salad would help me accomplish my goal.

  “They do say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” my grandma grinned as we finished stuffing everything into the picnic basket.

  “I’ve already got his heart, I just need to cheer him up,” I said and she nodded, patting me on the back. “How do I look?” I asked her and she smiled.

  “Gorgeous, as usual.”

  “Thanks, Grandma,” I said and eyed my vague reflection in the sliding glass door. I hadn’t gone over the top with my short cut-offs and yellow tank top, but I had curled my hair into a mass of waves that hung down my back. It was so much work, I rarely did it, but when I did, Jesse always seemed to like it.

  “Now, you and Jesse have fun and give that sweet boy a hug for me,” she said, lifting the basket and handing it to me.

  “I will, Grandma. Thanks for all your help,” I said, giving her a quick hug before lugging the loaded basket out to my car.

  I was excited as I made my way to his house. It was a feeling that had been practically non-existent since Mr. Baylor died, but as I drove, I couldn’t wait to spend the day making him happy. The picnic had actually been Matt’s idea and when he suggested it, I was immediately on board. He even told me to swing by the shop on my way so I could pick up some flowers to give to Jesse. I had never given Jesse flowers, unless I counted the boutonniere I’d pinned on his lapel at Prom, but I thought it might be fun and I could already see him shaking his head and smiling as I handed them to him.

  I saw Matt’s truck out front when I pulled in. The store wasn’t open on Sundays, but he’d made an exception for me and I could see him through the glass when I got out. The sign said closed, but I pulled the door open and was greeted by the jingling bells. He was behind the counter and looked up and smiled at me.

  “Don’t you look cute,” he said with a flirtatious grin and I just shook my head.

  “Stop that,” I said, walking over to him and resting my elbows on the counter. “So, do you have my flowers ready?”

  “Of course,” he said, reaching next to him and handing me a very basic and surprisingly masculine bouquet of flowers. It wasn’t much, just a few deep orange daises. “How’s this?”

  “Perfect, actually,” I said, taking the flowers. “I was afraid you’d give me some giant bunch of roses and baby’s breath.”

  “Hey,” he said, pretending to be offended. “I know what men like.”

  “You do?” I smiled. “Does Taryn know this?”

  He just smirked at me.

  “I seriously don’t know why I bothered to help you.”

  “Because you love me,” I grinned and he just rolled his eyes playfully.

 
; “Have fun,” he said as he held out a set of keys and dropped them into my waiting palm. “You know how to get there, right?”

  “Sure do. I memorized the directions. Thanks for doing this for me.”

  “No need to thank me. Just have a good time.”

  “We will. Thanks again for the suggestion and for these,” I said, nodding towards the flowers.

  “I look forward to all the details tomorrow.”

  “You got it,” I said, turning to leave. I stopped at the door and waved to him, before going out to my car. I laid the flowers on the seat next to me and headed to Jesse’s house.

  His Jeep sat out front and the place seemed abnormally quiet. It’d been that way ever since Jesse’s dad died though, so it wasn’t a surprise to me. I picked up the flowers and headed to the door, my heart picking up in anticipation as I knocked. I waited a few moments and then I heard feet shuffling to the door. He looked surprised when he saw me standing there and I couldn’t tell if it was a good surprise or not.

  “Um…hey, Riley,” he said, his voice dry, as if he’d just woken up. I looked down at my watch and saw it was almost noon so there was no way he’d still been sleeping. “I didn’t expect to see you today.”

  “Well,” I said with a smile as I pulled the flowers out from behind my back and handing them to him. “I wanted to surprise you.”

  “Flowers?” he said, taking them from me and I watched as a slight smile began curling up on the edge of his lips.

  “Yeah. I brought you flowers. Now, can I come in?” I grinned.

  “Yes, of course,” he said, stepping aside. I walked into the kitchen and he shut the door behind me before he walked over towards the sink. “I guess I’m supposed to put these in water,” he said as he began looking through the cupboards.