"Why does everyone hate you?" I hoped it didn't come out as offensive.
"Well, that girl you should recognize from Indiana."
I tried to be subtle but failed when the girl in question looked right at us. "Wait, the girl at that party was a fan? I thought she was somebody's friend."
Alex shook her head "Nope, she's a fan. Someone found out about Gabe and me and told a bunch of fans."
I put up my hands. "It wasn't me; I swear."
"I know it wasn't. This happened before the Will thing. It was that girl from Indiana. I saw her again when Shelly and I were in Florida, and we thought she was really cool. We hung out with her and reminisced about the party and whatever. She saw us go off with Jacob, and I found out later that she had been talking crap about me to other fans. When you told me about the Will situation, I was already mad about all the other stuff that was being spread around about me."
I finally had the whole picture, and I felt even worse for adding to Alex's grief but relieved that it wasn't completely my fault. Just partially. "That chick was totally just jealous."
"Yeah, she probably was."
Will came up behind Alexandra and gave her a hug from the back. No matter how flirty Taj and I got, they were the adorable ones. "Do you girls want to come outside and wait by the bus while we load up?"
"That's so cool that you guys have a bus now," I said.
Jesse raised his hand to receive a high five. "Yeah, upgrade!" I slapped his waiting hand.
The guys led us down the hall where Taj had come from earlier. The open door at the end of the hall led outside. A door to the right just before exit was also open, where Jacob was sitting on one folding chair with his feet propped up on a second folding chair while playing with a handheld video game. He glanced up, and I gave him a little wave and continued following everyone else outside.
Alexandra obscured herself behind the tan bus parked next to The Out of Towners' bus. "Now the Townies are going to hate me even more."
She may have been nervous, but I reveled in the curious and envious stares from the fans. The three of us huddled together with our backs to the fans so that we were somewhat blocking Alex. Hundreds of girls waited behind a barricade to get a last glimpse of their favorite Towner; and for once, we were on the inside. Gabe was the first one to come out to sign autographs. He walked by us and gave us a knowing look but didn't smile. Randy was talking to someone behind him when he came out and ran right into me. He apologized and furrowed his brow, maybe confused as to why we were on this side of the fence. Although I was caught off guard, too, I was able to get out a sly, "We meet again," before he pulled out a permanent marker and approached the fans at the gate.
A man from The Out of Towners' entourage watched us from just outside the exit door. I tried to ignore him, but I couldn't help but think we were about to get kicked out to the other side of the barricade. My concern grew as the man clomped over to us, and the Face Rake guys were nowhere in sight to confirm that we belonged there. They all seemed to be inside gathering equipment. The man broke into our huddle and stood between Alex and me. "Is one of you Shelly?"
Shelly raised a finger. "That's me."
"Can you follow me?"
She hesitated.
"Jacob asked for you."
My hand clapped over my mouth and I gave her a shove. Shelly's eyes lit up, but then we both watched Alex to catch her reaction.
"Hey, it's fine with me! Go get some!"
With the blessing of the fellow Jacob fan, who was also a fully converted Will fan, Shelly followed the man inside. A couple fans on the other side of the barricade pointed and leaned their heads toward each other with hands cupped in front of their mouths. Alex grew more uncomfortable with the scrutinizing. "I'm going to go inside and see if Will needs any help."
Left alone outside, I lingered for a few moments, watching the backs of Randy and Gabe as they signed autographs for the fans. Cameras flashed to get pictures of the guys, and I couldn't help but wonder if I was going to be in the background of all these shots. I'd have to remind myself to try to hunt down these pictures online later. This was a night I wouldn't want to forget. I considered going inside for a moment, but I didn't want to be in the way, so I sat in the open trailer behind the bus until I would need to move for someone to load equipment. Malcolm came out first, carrying an amp in one hand and a guitar case in the other, and I jumped up to get out of his way.
The equipment clattered as he heaved the pieces into the trailer. "Where'd everybody go?"
"Shelly's with Jacob, and I thought Alex was in there with you guys."
"I didn't see her, but I didn't see Will either. Now I know why." He waggled his thick eyebrows.
I took my hands out of my pockets ready to help. "Do you need help carrying anything?"
"No, don't worry about it. You can sit in the bus if you're cold, though."
The bus. I was about to go on a bus. I felt like I needed some sort of fanfare or at least a moment of silence. This is it. This is the culmination of fandom. Or is the culmination of fandom getting to sleep with someone in the band? Bus, definitely bus. What about sleeping with someone in the band while on the bus? OK that would be the culmination of fandom. But I'd take this. I paused at the door of the bus, filled my lungs with air, and blew it out through my mouth. This is it. Where were my friends? I wanted someone to experience this with me. Oh right, they were culminating their fandom in the more physical way. I could feel the fans' eyes on me as I lifted my hand to pull the rectangular metal handle. Locked. So much for fanfare.
Checking if anyone noticed my embarrassing moment, I ducked my head and trudged to the back of the bus to lean on the trailer. Taj was loading another amp.
I decided not to mention my bus snafoo. "Having fun yet?"
"Tons. Get to work."
"Malcolm said I didn't have to. I did offer."
The guys made a couple trips back and forth, and on their second trip back, Will and Alexandra followed. Will's arms were full, and Alexandra carried only a binder with a couple books stacked on top. "They wouldn't let me carry anything. No Shelly yet?"
"Nope, not yet. I'm really wondering what's going on in there."
The guys did one more load and then moved toward the door of the bus. I waited in reverence while Alex climbed on first, then Will. I paused just a half second on each of the two steps, wanting to remember this moment forever. I'm not sure what I expected to see when I reached the top of the steps, but I was a bit underwhelmed. Growing up, my grandmother, whose favorite past time was gambling, would take trips in her RV to different casinos. When she visited the ones in Wisconsin Dells, my brother and I would accompany her. We'd hit up amusement parks during the day, and my step-grandpa would watch us while grandma would hit the slots at night. I dug my fingernails into the palms of my hands so that I wouldn't start crying again thinking about her. Upon entering the tour bus, I could almost hear the amusement park rides grinding on their tracks and the occasional shriek of a kid being spun around on the Gravitron. But there were a few noticeable differences in the bus. One thing my grandma didn't have was the swanky big-screen TV mounted behind the front passenger seat. Not a big drinker, she also didn't have the full bar stocked with varieties of beer, whiskey, vodka, and more alcohol than I was knowledgeable enough to identify. Through the door on the other side of the kitchen was another feature my grandma's RV lacked—12 bunks stacked on top of each other—six on one side and six on the other.
"Let's do some shots!" Jesse snatched up the whiskey bottled with one hand and lined up a multitude of shot glasses with the other. "Who's in?" Alex and I all raised our hands as I tried to forget that I had to be back on a plane in a matter of hours. Maybe the booze would help calm my nerves.
"Take a seat, ladies." Malcolm gestured to the couches.
The two of us plopped onto a leather couch along the passenger side of the bus next to the little dinette booth, where Jesse was kneeling while he poured the shots. Malcolm
sat on the top of the couch across from us with his feet on the seat, and Will took the booth not occupied by Jesse's leg and situated by Alex.
The door creaked open again. I expected it to be Taj, but Shelly's brown eyes peeked around the corner. She squeezed in between us. Alex and I stared at her.
"What?"
"You know what," said Alex.
"I'll tell you guys later."
Once Shelly was with us, I was still aware of one missing person. "Where'd Taj go?"
"He saw some chicks he recognized and went over to say hi," said Malcolm. "Trying to get lucky, no doubt." As soon as he said it, he must've realized who he was talking to and glanced at me with one eyebrow up, waiting to see how I'd react.
He may as well have driven a knife into my heart. I couldn't find my breath for a moment. Taj isn't mine, I reasoned. He's just not. Chill out. "Oh, cool." It came out much more shrill than usual.
The door opened again, and Taj stomped up the stairs trailed by two pretty girls, both almost as tall as me and much skinnier. One had long brown hair that reached halfway down her back, and the other had a short, spunky blond haircut. The names escaped me the moment he introduced them. I tried my hardest to focus on Jesse, who had begun to distribute the shots, instead of Taj sitting on the couch across from us flanked by Blondie and Brownie. I felt feverish as Jesse handed me a shot glass and squeezed in on the end of the couch next to Brownie, right across from me.
Brownie touched Jesse's knee. "That was such a good show. I think it was even better than the last time you were in NYC. I didn't even bother with the Towners. We went out to drink the second you guys left the stage." She flipped her long hair over her shoulder and adjusted her knees to point toward Jesse. "You guys have to check out this bar we found. It's like a townie bar in the middle of the city. So cheesy, but the drinks are cheaper than anywhere else I've found. They also have pool tables and stuff like that. It's super chill. It's right down the road from my apartment, but I've never noticed it before."
"Do you still have that sweet bar area in your apartment?" asked Will. Then he explained to us, "She never used her kitchen, so she lit it up with blue lights and turned it into a bar. She makes the best drinks I ever had."
I checked Alex's face for a hint of the jealousy that was surging through me, but it was instead calm and friendly.
"Yeah, my ex-boyfriend owns a bar, and I work there part time as a bartender, so I get great discounts on high-end stuff no one's ever heard of." Her voice was breathy and a little bored as if this was the most unimpressive information she had ever divulged about herself. Then she perked up and faced Jesse. "You guys are always welcome. I know Will had a good time last time he came." The way she said the word came made me believe she wasn't just talking about walking in the door. "I could make you my new specialty drink."
"It's appropriately called 'Blue Light Sex.'" Blondie flapped her hands as she spoke. "So good," she purred.
"Right on," said Jesse. "But first, shots!" He raised his glass, and we all followed suit.
I sipped from the glass rather than tossing it back like everyone else did, and I made a face.
Malcolm called me out. "You're not supposed to sip it!"
"I know." My voice was still shrill and defensive. I sipped another bit of the fiery liquid and grimaced again. "I'll finish it eventually." My eyes caught Brownie's, who looked at me as if I was a child acting out in a nice restaurant. At least, that's how I took it. I squeezed my eyes shut and tossed back the remaining tiny bit of liquid from the glass.
"Where are you guys from?" asked Brownie, addressing us girls.
"Wisconsin," said Shelly.
"Cheeseheads," brayed Blondie, drawing out the long "e" sound.
"Where are you staying tonight?"
Alex shrugged. "I don't know. We'll probably sleep at the airport."
"Wait, so you guys flew all the way to New York with no hotel booked? That sounds kind of crazy."
"You can stay here tonight. We have room," said Taj. I wanted to hug him.
Brownie harrumphed, pushed herself off of the couch, and swiveled her hips into the kitchenette area to inspect the alcohol. As she stepped over all our feet, Will put his hand up to guide her. She took it and locked eyes with him, letting her fingers slide out of his as she passed. Alex still seemed unfazed.
While Brownie concocted something from the available liquor, Blondie leaned into Taj. "Are you going to come check out this bar with us? Or maybe we could just take you back home?" Her words slurred, and her eyes drooped.
His eyes met mine from a moment, but I couldn't read his expression. He was either asking permission or taunting me. I hoped it was the former. "I could do that."
The room spun, and my limbs were cold yet my face felt hot, and a layer of perspiration formed above my lip. I had to get out, or I was going to throw up. Or sob, but I wasn't sure which was worse. "I need some air."
Taj's arm reached for me as I brushed past, but I rushed down the steps of the bus and out the door so fast that I forgot to grab my coat. The crisp November air was not exactly what I had in mind. I wrapped my cardigan tighter around myself. By then, all the Townies had dispersed as had The Out of Towners' bus. A couple venue employees milled around, removing the barricades or walking out to their cars to leave. Aside from the occasional honk from a passing car, the night was quiet. I considered asking if I could go inside the venue, but I didn't think they'd let me. My nausea had subsided when the cold air hit my face, but the tears were still threatening to spring. What was I doing here? Was I wrong about Taj? And why the hell did I even care? I hugged myself and rubbed my upper arms to try to warm them up. I didn't want to go too far since I didn't know the area. Walking the perimeter, I found a set of stairs leading up to another level of sidewalk. I planted myself on the third step from the bottom. From there, I could still see the bus door from a distance, but I was hidden in the shadows. This is fine. I could hang out here until the girls are ready to leave. My eyelids were heavy, but I couldn't let myself fall asleep. At least I wasn't in Detroit. Still, I might get raped or something. No one could mug me since I had left all my belongings on the bus.
The bus door opened, and two figures stepped into the night. Alex and Will. Smoke puffed out of their mouths, and I guessed that it wasn't regular cigarettes that they were smoking based on the way they were holding the little sticks. They were just out of earshot—I could tell they were talking, but I couldn't hear what about. I tucked my feet up toward my body to hide more of myself.
"Rach!" called Alex. "Rach, Will wants to talk to you!"
That's when the water works began. I couldn't let them see me like that. I sniffed and heard the low sounds of them talking again. Then footsteps. I had been found.
I buried my head in my hands as Will sat down next to me. "Alex told me you ran away because of Taj and that girl."
My shoulders heaved. "It's so stupid. I realize that." I hiccuped.
Will lay his warm hand on my chilled back. "That chick's crazy. We all think so. We're really only friends with Brownie. She's cool as hell." He didn't call her Brownie, but I was still in denial about her having an actual name.
"I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm annoying," I said between gasps.
"I doubt it, but who cares if she does? We're friends with you guys, too. Right?" He rubbed my back.
I nodded and wiped my eyes with the side of my hand.
Alex passed him the small, white stick, and he sucked on the end. He offered it to me, but Alex shook her head.
My chin quivered. "I'm not smoking that. My grandma just died of lung cancer."
He sucked on it again. "You can't get lung cancer from pot. But you don't have to have any. No problem."
I wailed. "Now you think I'm lame."
"I don't. I don't care whether you do it or not."
His deep voice soothed me. And I did kind of want to try it once. I swiped it out of his mouth, and puffed from the stick. It didn't feel like anything. Just ai
r, much like a cigarette. I wasn't sure whether to swallow or blow it out, so I handed it back and parted my lips a little to let the air do whatever it would do.
"Come on back. We have your bunks all set up."
I was being a complete child about the whole situation. I wanted to ask Will if Taj was into me, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Had he said no, I would've hailed myself a cab right then and there and spent the rest of my night in the airport as planned.
Will held his hand out to help me up. "You good?"
I nodded again, let him hoist me up, and brushed myself off. I fanned my hands in front of my face to dry my eyes as I walked back between Alex and Will. I forced a closed-mouth smile onto my face upon entering the bus, but no one but Shelly looked up.
Blondie was on her cell phone barking at someone on the other end. "Do not come here. Don't you dare come here, you asshole. I never want to see you again."
"What's going on?" I thought I whispered it so that only Shelly could hear, but Blondie turned on me.
"None of your business." Bits of spit flew from her mouth. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Was that the pot?
Taj straightened his arm out in front of her to block her from me. "Hey, don't yell at her." His voice was firm but lazy as if it was all one word strung together. My heart softened. Maybe he does care.
She diverted her attention back to the phone. "I swear to God, I will call the cops if you come here."
Will tried to calm her down. "Whoa whoa whoa, let's not do that. Let's just go check out this bar."
I panicked. Was I going to get busted for smoking marijuana on my first time?
Jesse, Blondie, and Brownie pulled on jackets and sweatshirts, preparing to depart to either the townie bar or Brownie's house. Heh. Townie. It had just hit me. That must've been the pot. I laughed through my nose but covered it up before Blondie screamed at me again.
Blondie brushed past Taj. "You coming?"
"Yeah, I'll join you for a drink. Do you girls want to come?" Taj was addressing all of us, but his fingers grazed my elbow.
I sniffed, clasped my hands behind my back, and shook my head. I didn't trust myself to speak.
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