We went with the ‘hi.’
Not many words were exchanged as we left the campus gates and towards the road. I was a big believer in letting the eyes do the talking, maybe because I did not have the courage to speak. We stopped an autorickshaw and got in.
The ride to CP from our hostel was a good 20 minutes. The cloth on the side of the auto was down on account of the chilling cold and it was as foggy as I had ever seen. When the ride started, we were sitting on opposite sides of the auto. An unknown easiness had creeped in between us over the past couple of weeks, and had culminated in the morning, but it was not an uncomfortable uneasiness. It was a beautiful uneasiness. We both knew there was something unsaid which our eyes were communicating but our lips had not gathered courage to say yet. And I knew that today, only eyes would not do the trick. I moved a little towards her. She looked at me surprised. Then looked down and then looked up again. The surprise then gave way to a smile and I came even more close. I lifted my hand and put it behind her, on the seat. She moved back and her back touched my hand.
She smiled and said: “It’s really cold.”
The message had been given. I was just about to put my hand around her when I heard a loud bang. We were stopped at a red light and right next to us, sitting on a rickshaw, a girl had thrown a plastic bottle of water on the windshield of a car.
The moment was lost. I got out of the auto to see what had happened. All I could see was that a girl was running after a car, the occupants of which I assume had tried to tease the girl and had got a bottle of water on their windshield as a prize. The car zoomed away and the girl, in full public, mouthed obscenities which I find difficult to even reiterate. The girl had her hand in the air as if she was ready to slap them but they had now run away. She then turned around and got on the rickshaw. The poor rickshaw guy did not know what had happened to him and was too stunned to move and as a result even he got a mouthful. He started moving ahead.
I was smiling at the whole episode when all of a sudden the girl turned around to see the reaction of the public.
She was in a pink dress. She was fair, had a dimpled chin which gave a something special to her smile, long eyelashes, curly at the end, like a princess would want them, kajal around her eyes, kajal to keep away the bad omen from her beautiful face, a small parrot nose, which twitched when she frowned, and black flowing hair, which I would later know, she thought were brown.
It was Shalini.
The rest of the morning just passed. I was with Roshini, a girl who I had feelings for and who also felt the same for me, in the romantic winter of Delhi, in Connaught Place for breakfast. The setting was perfect but nothing seemed to matter. I could not get Shalini out of my head. The dimpled chin, the flowing tresses, she brought back memories from an era which had been locked in one corner of my heart but was suddenly opened. The way we had first met, the way she had taken me to the train door, the way we had our first conversation. My mind was too preoccupied and Roshini was a little confused as to what had happened. She had expected something to happen between me and her that morning, she had expected me to tell her that I loved her and wanted her to be more than just a friend. But I was completely lost in some other thoughts.
We had our breakfast of sandwiches and coffee and were back in the campus within an hour. Not many words were exchanged in the whole period. Just silence, and not the good silence. This was the awkward silence.
Hari was getting ready when I entered and he saw me and said “You are in love.” I just smiled, fell on my bed, and went to sleep. I had things to dream about. I got up around noon and lazed around till the evening. My college had a cricket match in the evening and Hari was playing, so I decided to see that. I knew Roshini might be there and I was wondering as to what I would say to her. But I let it be. I had to support my friend in the match. He was the only first year guy in the team.
The match was a day night affair. We had installed flood lights in the ground and the match started around 4 pm so that it could be over before the fog set in. We were facing some other college from Delhi. I was least interested in cricket but the atmosphere was electric. Our team won the toss and had elected to bat. My usual friends used to be Hari and Roshini. Hari was playing, so he was not there, and there was this awkwardness with Roshini after the morning so we just said ‘hi’ to each other and she left to be with her other friends. I was sitting alone, in one corner, when someone came and sat right next to me.
“So you liked Delhi that much that you decided to settle here. Not bad.”
I was looking down but I knew who it was. A smile appeared on my face.
I spoke “I guess I can say the same to you!”
I looked up, and there she was, right next to me, and talking to me. Shalini.
It felt as if everything stopped for a moment. The noises around us, the lights, the chit chat of the people, the abuses on the field. It seemed as if it was just me, and just her, just like the way we had first talked, just like I had always imagined, just like how I wanted it to be.
She spoke first “Let’s go.”
I had a moral obligation towards my friend Hari. I had to support him by my presence but just then I saw him walking back towards our team. I looked at the wicket, it was uprooted and the rival team was celebrating. Our man had fallen first ball. “Let’s go” I said.
We both got away from the madness of the game to the quite road which enveloped the campus and started walking. “So, Mr. High Flying engineer is it? Nice college, secure future. Liking it?”
“It’s ok. In fact, it’s pretty nice. More than I could have asked for. Honestly, more than what I deserved. I have always been lucky with exams. My preparation was never that great that I could make it to such a college. I just had a very good day.”
“So what are you studying here? Okay, don’t answer that. I am an arts student and I like to maintain my distance from the sciences. Plus I know you nerdy type of guys, once you start, you just don’t stop. Leave what you are doing, tell me, it must be fun studying about what you have always wanted all these years.”
“Fun? How can studying be fun? I am not doing this to have fun. I am doing this for the things you said before. For a secure future. I didn’t like studying when in school and believe me I hate it as much right now. What I am doing is of no interest to me. What comes after this is what I really want. The secure future, the long car, the big house. You know. The happiness.”
She gave me such a puzzled and confused look. “So you are telling me, that you do not enjoy what you are doing? That every day, you do not wake up with the feeling that today, I am going to learn something new about what I love.”
“No, I wake up groggy and sad that I have to goto college and study physics and maths. I am not a big morning person, plus the whole routine of classes till 5 pm really gets to you. So there is nothing really to look forward to. In fact there is- the holidays.”
She again gave me a confused look, but she let it pass. “So, had it not been for a secure future, what would you have liked to do?”
I looked at her. And then I thought. And then I spoke “You know, maybe it is easy for you to say that I am not following my dream but am in this race against myself. That I have given up a good portion of my life trying to do something I do not like. But you know what, maybe all people are not meant to have dreams. Maybe, there are supposed to be people like me. Because honestly, had I not studied hard and had I not been in this college, I probably would not be doing anything. I don’t have any grandiose dreams of being a cricketer or being a movie star or making my own music. I am happy in going to engineering college for four years, maybe do a post grad after that, and then work five-six days a week and lead a happy content life. Maybe, that is my dream. Maybe it is not. Maybe I have a dream later in life, but right now, I am pretty content with whatever is happening.”
She looked at me and smiled. “Okay. My idea was not to be preachy. It was just that, I cannot imagine just doing something for the sake of
it. For example, my board exams are in a couple of months, and here I am, in an unknown city, on an unknown road, running after what I really want.”
I was pleased to hear that she did not say ‘an unknown person’. A sense of pride filled me
“You really want me? Am I the reason you are here?” She looked and me and laughed. A giggle which filled her face and made her look prettier than what I could imagine anyone could look.
“Let me reiterate- here I am, in an unknown city, on an unknown road, with an unknown person running after what I really want.” She smiled, paused and continued. “No you idiot. I was here for the music competition. I cleared the prelims and the final is tomorrow. Idiot.”
I gave her a goofy smile. She continued. “My parents asked me not to go. That I should study to get into a good college etc etc. You know how parents are. But what is the point. I don’t want to be going to a college and study maths and physics and complain about it.” She looked at me, smiled again, and slipped in a sorry. I smiled and let it pass. “I want to sing. I want to sing in front of the whole world and this stage is just the beginning. You wait and see where I reach.”
She had this thing in her eyes which made me believe what she said, and I believe eyes more than words. We walked for some more time. She thinking about where her voice would lead her, and me thinking about her.
She spoke again. “So any regrets in life?”
“You know we are too young to be discussing such things. I am eighteen. I haven’t lived enough to have major regrets. Though there is one complain I have from God though.”
“What is it?”
“That it wasn’t a full moon the day we met.”
She blushed and said “I have one regret too. And believe me, I think of it every night before I sleep. Why didn’t I push you out from the train that day? I could see it on your face that you were shit scared. God! Where do you get such cheesy lines? I am telling you, leave this engineering crap, you should be making a cheesy love story. And as a favour, I will sing in your movie for free.”
We both smiled and continued our walk and reached the place where the girls from outside campus were staying.
“So this is where you have put up right. Your in time is 8:30 and we have only 5 minutes left. I guess I will see you tomorrow then.”
She looked at me with those confused eyes again. “I am not going in at 8 30. I am a girl living in a small town. It is not every day that I come to Delhi alone. I am going out to explore the city. If you want to tag along, be my guest, otherwise, yes, see you tomorrow.”
She said this and walked right past me, I ran behind her initially trying to convince her to stay back but I knew better. We both marched out of campus and got to the bus stand. We took the next bus which came, not knowing where it was going, not knowing where we wanted to go, but going nevertheless.
The bus was pretty crowded, considering the time, and we were standing very close to each other. My hand was covering her back to protect her. I could sense the uneasiness within me. I wanted to hold her, feel her breath, smell her hair, get closer. We were looking into each other’s eyes, me completely lost within, when suddenly, Shalini started moaning.
“Aahh, uggghhh” and then a louder “aaaghhh”.
All eyes first went on her, then on me, then on her again, and then on me again.
I gave a “I don’t have anything to do with this” look and in a jerk removed my hand from her back but I could see the anger in the people’s eyes. Before they could bash me, Shalini spoke
“I am pregnant and I cannot stand. I am in pain.” She again made the “aaghh” sound. All the attention suddenly shifted to her. She had no baby bump and even I was confused. Then it all made sense, she had run away from home because she was pregnant and somehow found me and was taking me along to wherever she was going. But this did not make sense even to me. I felt ashamed thinking so.
People started staring at her, looking for an obvious baby bump. But when a girl says she is pregnant, baby bump or no baby bump, you don’t ask questions, you have to listen! So a couple sitting right next to where we were standing got up and offered her a seat. She sat down. She let out another “Aaagh” and looked at the lady sitting next to her with a child like face, and then pointed towards me with her eyes.
Clever trick, and I got it a little late. The lady got up and offered me the seat. Apparently I was the father of the imaginary child and I needed to sit with my wife.
Believe me, I did not look the part. But then, neither did she. But no one dare question a pregnant woman. I looked at her and I could see the smile within the grimace which she still had to put on as everyone was staring at her.
The rest of the journey was comfortable as we both had a comfortable seat to sit on. When asked by a suspecting aunty, Shalini told her that we were having twins and that she was three months into her pregnancy. She could say all this with such a straight face that it made me laugh in wonder. The bus finally stopped and we got off at the last stop, JNU. From one campus, we rode all the way only to enter another, each with their own ways of life.
We walked around JNU aimlessly, talking about nothing and talking about everything. Shalini told me that she had decided at the age of four that she wanted to do something related to music. She loved the way music could make her sleep, could make her getup, could make her do anything. I said she was lying because at four, some of us are not even toilet trained, but she said all that with such conviction, and with her eyes, that she made me believe every word. There was this passion within her when she talked about music, a passion which was missing in my life so far, and maybe would never come. She made me think for the first time about the choices I had made in life and whether or not they were the right ones. But I let the thought pass. My choices secured me a good salary, her choices, only gave her a dream, which may or may not be fulfilled. I would any day take the long car.
We walked our way around campus and reached the Partha Sarthi rocks, the highest natural point in Delhi and sat down on the top.
If you ever want to take a girl anywhere in Delhi, this is the place. And we happened to chance on it by mistake. The low lying clouds had covered all our surroundings and it seemed as if we were on top of a cliff with eternity beyond us and infinity below. We could hear some rock musicians jamming at some point far away and I could again see the passion within Shalini ignited on listening to the electric guitar. There was an expression her face gave out when she listened to or even talked about music. An expression which told me that her body was with me, but her soul was with the music.
We continued sitting there for four hours. Sitting in complete silence at times, and chit chatting the next. I was as comfortable with her as I would be with anyone in my life. One of my friends had once told me that if you could enjoy silence with a person, when neither of you feel the need to fill in the holes of silence in between the conversations, then, don’t let go of that person.
I felt every word of what my friend had said. Shalini asked me what I wanted to do going ahead and I reiterated my plan of a nine to five job with a fat paycheque and this time instead of asking me to follow my passion, she just listened, and listened as if she was really interested. When I finished my story of having two kids, she smiled. I think she really did appreciate what I had thought for myself. I might not have had any passionate dream, but I was focussed, and that is what I think intrigued her. Then she told me what she wanted to do.
Her love for music in her childhood had led her to see music in everything and in every form and learn as many musical instruments as she could. But as she grew, she realised her real calling was singing. She was a trained Indian classical singer and in the last few years had started to dabble into English rock. I told her that I thought that both were very different styles of singing but she went back to the basics that there are only seven notes in music, and your voice had to integrate them together and can do that in any form. She told me she wanted to do shows, she wanted to sing for pe
ople, she wanted to sing for herself, that basically, she just wanted to sing. Whatever else happened was just by the way. She looked so lively sitting on that rock with me talking with such an energy about what she loved that time ceased to matter. It flew at one time, and just stayed still the other. Slowly the night got the better of us and we both fell asleep, on top of the rock. I thought I would ask her to sing, for me, but I thought that a better moment for that would come.
I woke up with the first rays of the sun. It seemed as if the trees below us were mountains of snow and the boroughs in between were valleys. The view was a spectacle in itself and next to me was something even prettier. Shalini. Her hair wes covering her face and the gentle breeze was making them sway around. The cold had made her go red on the cheeks. I had given her my jacket at night and she was holding on to it with her tiny pretty hands. I just kept staring at her and then her eyes opened. The most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I could see the music in them. She saw me and smiled. We both took an eyeful of the scenery in front of us and made our way back to the main road to catch the bus back to my college. It was 7 am.
Her singing competition was to start in 4 hours. Not much was said during the journey back and we parted ways near the girl’s hostel. She looked at me and no one said anything. At least, our lips didn’t, but my eyes said whatever they had to.
I came back to my room and Hari was already awake. He was ready to go for a jog. He looked at me and repeated the same lines “You are soo in love.” I smiled and enacted a duck in front of him. I could not really enact a duck, it was more of a chicken, but he got the point. He had been dismissed on the first ball yesterday, a golden duck. He threw his shoe at me and we both had a good laugh about it. He told me that even though he had failed to contribute; our college had won the match. Apparently the umpire, our sports teacher, had a big role to play in that. We were to have our second match today and Hari was to have his last chance. So he had decided to get up early and go for a jog. I asked him how that would help. He didn’t seem to know but he said he was going anyways. The match was scheduled at 11 am. He asked me if I would come and I could not answer.
It Wasn't Love at First Shalini and I Page 5