“Don’t you just love it here?”
“I have been here only for two months.”
She continued.“Oh! That’s it? But just look in front of you. On the back you have all what man could have achieved- huge buildings, billions of dollars of trade, the whole world’s economy is governed right here, right behind us. And then you have this river, which majestically runs in between the two cities dividing them and telling them that nature doesn’t really care what you make.”
“What? I don’t get what you are saying.”
“Honestly, neither do I. I wanted to make a statement about how this city has been able to put together nature and man’s development. But I don’t think I really was able to put forth the sentiment.”
“You weren’t.”
“I know. It got lost in the words somehow. But you get what I mean.”
“I get what you mean. But don’t really understand. Honestly, I don’t see much of nature in this city. Concrete jungle is what I was told it is, and a concrete jungle is what I see.”
“Shut up. Don’t you get it. ‘Concrete’ as in manmade, and ‘jungle’ as in natural?”
“Are you drunk?”
“I could have been if someone had offered me a drink.” “Was I supposed to?”
“No, just like you weren’t supposed to ask for my number. Now sit here, I have to go and pee.”
“Out here in the open?”
“Very funny.”
She left for a public restroom and I sat alone, looking at the huge river in front of me. There were personal boats of people out in the water. The whole city seemed so alive at 1 am at night. Maybe she did have a point when she said that it was man and nature’s best creation. She came back.
“So, you understand what I say?”
“Kind of. But leave it. Tell me, how come you are here, what did you do in music, how long have you been in this city. There is so much to catch up on and here you are talking arbit gyaan.”
She smiled, but this time, it was not in the eyes. We sat on the bench, a one foot distance between the two of us.
“I just followed my heart. And my heart brought me here. You tell me how come you are here. I mean I know it fits into your secure life and future theory but please tell me that there is more to it? Please tell me that you are here on a secret mission to find aliens and that the aliens are going to invade the earth and you are going to save all of us.”
I could sense she was trying to change the topic of discussion from me to her. I smiled and let her.
“I stopped living that dream of saving the earth when I was eight. No, there is absolutely nothing more to it. I passed out of college, got a decent job, got sent here on a project and have been here for the last few months. Simple as that. And completely according to plan.”
“So what comes next? A wife, kids, car, a home, a dog, a cat, a kennel, a whatever in which a cat lives?”
“Hahaha, no, what comes next is a moment that takes my breath away.”
“And my only regret in life still stays. Why did I not throw you out of the train the first day we met? You and your cheesy dialogues!!” We both looked at each other with a little giggle on our lips. This time, the smile reached her eyes. I tried to shift the topic again. “Enough about me. You tell me. A small town girl living in the US, US clothes, a put on US accent. What happened there?”
“First of all, there is no put up US accent. And it is not even called US accent, it’s called American accent. Dumb ass. And what do you mean by US clothes? What do you expect me to wear at this temperature? A navel exposing saree?”
She saw the mischief in my eyes. “Don’t answer that?” “No matter what you say, I still will. Yes, I want to see you in a navel exposing saree.”
“Happy that you have said it?”
“Pretty much made my day.”
“So out of all that has happened so far, saying these lines has made your day?”
“Nothing has happened so far!!”
“And nothing will!!”
“But seriously, how come you are here?”
“Why can’t I be?”
“A question as an answer to a question is not really helping.”
“Okay, so let me start. Since the last time we met. So that time, I loved singing. Now come to the present, I still love singing, and, I kind of get paid for it. Not much, but enough. I had grandiose dreams of making it big as a singer, but I could not. So here I am, singing in a choir.”
That was the first time I saw a tinge of sadness, or remorse in her eyes which came down to her voice. I felt it was something more than what she had just said. She continued.
“I know you will say that time is still on my side. That I am 24. But when you know you are not good enough, then it really does not matter how old you are, does it?”
I didn’t know what to say. She was the girl who had inspired me to have a dream seven years ago. To look within and see what I really wanted to do in life. I didn’t do it was a different matter altogether but I had expected atleast her to do it. I had counted on her to do it. If she could not achieve what she wanted to in music, then people like me were good in following other rats in the rat race.
She sensed the awkwardness which had stepped into our conversation for the first time. And then she burst out laughing. “Hahahaha.”
She got up from the bench and started jumping and moving her head all around.
“Hahahaha. Got you didn’t I? What do you think, only you can speak movie dialogues? I my friend can do so to. All I said was crap. Basically, I am still training to be a singer and got a chance to sing in the choir of the maestro himself. Who would let such an opportunity go by?”
What she said now was making sense. Singing in the choir of the great ghazal singer was indeed a big deal if you were an aspiring singer. But I was not sure whether she was acting earlier or was acting now. The spark in her eyes was just not there, but I did not press. And the dancing and the head banging really made it look like a put up act. She might be a good singer, but she was not a good actor. I stayed out of the success part of it and tried to change the topic.
“Tell me. What would you have done had I kissed you on the top of the rock in Delhi?”
“I would have liked it. It was such a romantic place. I just wish I had a romantic guy with me. The guy who was with me did not even take my number.”
“Would you let that go please!”
“Sorry, won’t repeat the fact that you did not take my number again.” She giggled. I tried to get close.
“You are seven years too late buddy. A New York skyline cannot meet the romanticism of a Delhi winter morning.” “But I was scared at that time. I thought you would slap me.” “I was ready that time. I might slap you now. Too bad, isn’t it?” She smiled some more. “You know what, even I don’t want to kiss you now.” “Still scared?” “Maybe I have better options.” She held my hand, looked down and said “Really.” I knew she was trying to get me. I stood ground. “Yes, really.”
She looked up and I saw the passion in her eyes once more. Maybe this time it was for me. She came close. I puckered my lips. She started laughing again and mocked me.
“Yeah really Shalini. I don’t want to kiss you. I have better options now. No Shalini. Don’t take advantage of me Shalini. Please let me goo.”
Then suddenly she stopped and came closer to me again. My lips puckered again and she started laughing again.
“You guys. All are the same.”
“Have quite bit of an experience, do you?”
“I have had my share of fun.”
“How much fun?”
“That is for you to think of.”
A huge ferry passed from in front of us. There was an open party going on in the ferry. A bachelor party I would assume as there were girls in the smallest of clothes gyrating to songs in the cold winter.
“All you guys are the same. Atleast keep your mouth closed when you are gawking.”
“I wish all
girls were the same and were like those exotic dancers there.”
She playfully hit me on my hand and there was silence. The same silence which we had accepted when we had first met. The silence did not make it awkward even this time. After around five minutes of sitting on the bench, looking at the river, she admiring the beauty of the place and me of the girls, she said “Let’s go for another walk.”
“Let’s just sit. Don’t worry, I am just looking at those girls. I am thinking only about you.”
“What a coincidence. I am looking at the guys and I am also thinking about me. How I would love to dance ‘exotically’ for them on that boat. But here I am sitting on this bench with you.”
“Are you sure you are not drunk. Are you sure they did not mix anything in your water?”
“I wish they had. Atleast I could have done things which I cannot do now that I am sober.”
I raised my eyebrow. “And what might that be madame? You can always pretend you are drunk.”
“I told you , that I want to dance for those guys.”
“Can I watch sitting here when you are dancing for them on that ferry?”
“You are so bloody cheap.”
We both looked into each other’s eyes and the eyes smiled. I was enjoying this directionless conversation with her. But then she got it a direction.
“Are you happy?”
I tried to keep the conversation light.
“Yes, I am sitting with a beautiful girl and watching some more beautiful girls dance. Life could not have been better.”
I looked towards her and this time she was serious. I also took the same route.
“I don’t know. I don’t think in that way. There was nothing that I really wanted, so you can look at it in two ways. Either what I have got means everything to me, or whatever I have got doesn’t really matter that much. Honestly, the secure future, engineering, maybe MBA later, were all dreams my parents harboured for me and I guess by mistake, I thought they were my dreams as well. But as time went by, I realised they weren’t. And as time went by, I realised that I did not have any dreams. So, the question of them being fulfilled, of me being satisfied or happy never really comes to my mind. I find the work I do at office mind numbingly boring at times while at other times I find it ok. It does not really involve brains. You just have to settle into a system. But I am honest with my work. At the end, it is my work for which I get paid for. It is my work which lets me enjoy the lazy weekends, the parties, the fun. And yes, I feel good when I am with friends. So if you ask me if I am happy, I will say I don’t know. Maybe because there are no unique milestones set in life, reaching which would give me happiness. I have the usual needs and wants- when do I buy a car next, when do I buy a home and all such things. But so many people around you are already doing all that so when you end up doing it too, it kind of loses importance.”
“Hmm.”
“I mean, when I was 17, I had thought that if by 25 I make a certain amount of money, life would be set and I would be the happiest man. Today, I make twice as much as that money but it doesn’t really seem to matter.
“Hmm”
“I say all that long story. Give you insights into my life which even I was not sure about till now, and all I get is a ‘hmm’.”
She lightened the mood a little.
“You want a kiss.”
“I am not falling for it this time.”
This time she puckered her lips and came close to me. The distance between us reduced from one feet to 6 inches, to 2 inches. She whispered.
“I heard in a movie that a guy has to cover 80% of the distance between two lips. If the girl wants, she will cover the remaining 20. But here I am already done with 80%.”
I closed my eyes and puckered up for the third time. And she started laughing.
“All guys are the same.”
“I open my heart out and this is what I get. Ridicule.” “No, go on. I am listening.”
“Naa, you spoilt the moment.”
“Go on!”
“Okay. So what I was saying was that ‘are you happy’ does not have a definite answer for me. ‘I don’t know’ is the answer to that question. At times, I am satisfied, at times I am longing for more. I guess that is happiness right. Being satisfied, but yet wanting to grow?”
“I don’t think so. If you are not sure whether you are happy or not. I think you are not happy then.”
“But I know I am not sad. And what is that euphoric feeling I will get if I am happy? Does Sachin Tendulkar still feel like the happiest person in the world when he comes out to bat every time?” “Why do guys relate everything to cricket?”
“Because that is what we understand. We also relate everything to girls, but then, some girls would not even reciprocate, so we have to fall back on our ally, cricket.”
“I will ignore what you just said and will reply on the cricket part. So, yes, I think Sachin does feel like the happiest person when he comes out to bat every day. That is why he is so great at what he does.”
“But doesn’t even he have unfulfilled dreams. Even he has not lifted the world cup.”
“Happiness does not mean not having unfulfilled dreams. It means that you are working towards those dreams. And you bet one day he will lift that cup.”
“I think so too, hope it happens in 2007 only.”
“I guess it won’t happen now, it will happen later. I predict 2011.”
“As you say madame. I have anyways considered you to be the last authority on all worldly matters.”
“How on earth is what I just said gyaan?”
“Yeah, it’s not. Leave that. You tell me miss philosophical, are you happy?”
“Well, I am thinking about dancing exotically in front of men in bare minimum clothes on a snowy New York night. I am not happy. I am thrilled!”
“Cut it, seriously, are you happy?”
She looked me in the eyes and again she had that serious look, that hollow look.
“I told you I am not happy. I will also tell you that I am not thrilled either. But I am not sad. I am in a state of indifference. And that is a worse state than being sad.”
This time I knew that the sentence would not be followed by any laughter. But she smiled. A sad smile. An indifferent smile.
“May I ask what happened?”
“You may ask. But I may not tell.”
“Hmm.”
“Okay. This is something I have never told anyone. In fact, I may tell you things tonight which I might not have owned to myself.”
I tried to lighten the mood.
“Like that you want to kiss me right now?”
I did a goofy smile.
“Yes.”
She just said that which such a straight face. I did not know how to react. Luckily for me, she continued.
“I want to kiss you, make love to you right now but like everything else in life, I am scared of failure. I am scared that I may never see you again after this, that this might be the first and only time we make love, that you will forget me one day.”
She had a stoic face devoid of emotion. I did not know whether this was an invitation or whether it was abdication. She continued speaking.
“Music ditched me, and I feel that just like music, everything else will. And just like I have been trying to follow music even now, I will try to follow love, and just like I have never been able to achieve music, I will never be able to achieve love.”
I could not understand what was going on. The past few hours I had spent with her, she had seemed to be the most carefree and independent girl I had met. I could have never guessed that there was such a deep layer to her as well.
“So what had happened? Last time we met, you were so passionate about music and about being a singer. What changed that?”
“Nothing, as I mentioned earlier, I just realised that I was not good enough. And when you realise that whatever you have been dreaming for your entire life has been worthless, then life looses all purpose and mea
ning.”
“But what happened? I heard you sing and you were pretty good.” “That was seven years ago. Things changed after that.” “Why? What happened?”
“It was not one event, it was a series of events which changed everything. And after a time, I just did not feel like singing anymore. In fact, that is the reason I am here. My mother made me leave the country because everything in India reminded me that I had been a failure. That I had done something which I probably should not have. But I don’t regret doing it.”
“But you are just 24. What could have happened that changed everything so suddenly?”
“My father died. And I guess, that just changed everything. I think I thought that I had failed in life, that in fact, life had failed me. Nothing mattered after that, all of a sudden, not even music. And by the time I got back to it, even the music had died. I don’t even know why I am telling you all this. Maybe because I have not talked to anyone about it, maybe because I want to get it out of my system and move on in life. That is what I have been trying to do in my life for the past few years. I am trying to move away from music, to move away from my father’s death, am trying to find a new life in this new city. But I am not sure whether running away from it is the answer, or running towards it is. So at times I try to sing, just to prove to myself that I can, like I did in this show. And at times, I am so completely switched off from it, that I feel as if I never sang.”
She looked into the vast expanse of the river in front of us as she was speaking. She was just staring, at nothing in particular, but I knew, she was remembering her childhood.
“My father died two years after I met you, and I guess I have still not been able to get over it. Don’t ask me how. After that, I lost all interest in life, all my confidence. A father is supposed to be a little girl’s hero, but when you realise that your hero is actually not who you wanted him to be, you start doubting everything else you believe in life as well. I remember what had happened to my mother after his death. To me, nothing made sense. Music was the last thing on my mind at that time. I was just in college, I had started performing in shows, I had started making a mark, but everything changed after that. I just realised that I could not have what I loved. I could not have my life, and I could not have music. And since that time, I have lost complete faith in everything. I have lost faith in myself. And I am not even sure if I regret it.”
It Wasn't Love at First Shalini and I Page 9