‘You’re being slightly paranoid now.’
‘Am I?’
‘Yeah. You are. Why wouldn’t he want a baby?’
‘Because he’s almost fifty years old?’
‘And looks about fifteen years younger, the bastard… Look, you’re just throwing ridiculous excuses around now. I’m sure that whatever Jim’s told you, he means it. And these tests… if they…’ He stopped talking, looking down at the ground, pushing a hand through his hair.
‘You can say it, Ronnie. If I don’t get the answers I want to hear – is that what you were going to say?’
‘Amber, babe, just talk to him. And talk to me, okay? You know I’m always here. Just because some things have changed for both of us, it doesn’t mean to say our friendship has to. Does it?’
She shook her head. ‘No. No, it doesn’t.’ She looked up into his eyes, trying desperately not to let the tears that were threatening run free. Jesus, she was turning into some kind of hormonal wreck! ‘I’m scared, Ronnie. I’m scared because… because if these results come back and… and they’re not what I want to hear… I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle that. I don’t know if I can handle that.’
Ronnie pulled her into his arms again, holding her tight, kissing the top of her head as he held her against him. ‘You can handle anything, Amber. But let’s just wait and see what happens, okay?’ He held her away from him slightly, smiling at her, gently stroking her cheek with the palm of his hand.
She nodded. ‘Okay.’ Her phone beeped again, and she pulled it out of her jeans pocket, looking at the message on the screen. ‘Jim’s here. I’d better go.’ She stood on tiptoe and kissed him quickly on the mouth. ‘Thanks, Ronnie. For being there. For putting up with me.’
‘That’s what I’m here for, kiddo.’ He winked at her, making her smile again. ‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’
She mouthed ‘I love you’ at him, before she turned and ran off in the direction of the Green Room, trying desperately to get her head together before she saw Jim. She’d already made the decision not to tell him anything until she knew exactly what she was dealing with, and maybe that was the wrong decision, maybe she should talk to him about what was happening, but she couldn’t. She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to spend the night talking about ‘what ifs’, especially not the night before the first game of the new season. When she had something concrete to tell him, when she knew the facts, that’s when she’d talk to him. Because she might have no other choice.
Pushing open the Green Room door, she felt her stomach give that wonderful jolt it always gave the second she saw him, all handsome and tall, that smile of his making him look twice as sexy.
‘Hey, beautiful.’ He grinned, turning round as she walked into the room, that deep voice of his combined with that soft American accent making her stomach jolt again. ‘How’s the sexiest TV presenter this side of the Atlantic?’
‘She’s fine, thank you.’ Amber smiled, walking over to him and grabbing the collar of his dark shirt, pulling him towards her, kissing him quickly. ‘But she’s all the better for seeing her handsome husband. I have missed you so much, Jim.’
‘I’ve missed you, too, baby. Like you wouldn’t believe.’
She closed her eyes as his mouth lowered down onto hers again, kissing her longer and slower, their bodies almost melting together in the, thankfully, otherwise empty Green Room.
‘I need to get you home,’ he said quietly, his hand gently rubbing the small of her back. ‘Because I’m a little bit tired of playing by myself.’
She felt her stomach lurch again as his thumb ran lightly over her slightly parted lips, his eyes boring deep into hers. ‘I’ve been doing a bit of that, too,’ she whispered, conscious of his growing erection pressing into her, but she was unable to stop herself.
‘Did you think of me?’ He smiled, sliding a hand inside her shirt, and Amber couldn’t help but let out a sharp intake of breath as his thumb grazed her nipple, his hand cupping her breast as his mouth briefly touched hers again. ‘When you touched yourself. Did you think of me?’
‘Who else would I be thinking about?’ she breathed, closing her eyes as his lips brushed lightly over her collarbone.
‘It was thinking about you, touching yourself, that kept me going.’ His eyes met hers again, sending her stomach into overdrive. ‘Maybe we need to make some private movies, huh? So I don’t just have to imagine you doing those things – I can actually watch you.’
‘Jesus, Jim,’ Amber groaned, finally pushing him away, straightening her shirt. ‘We really have to get home. The last thing I need to be found doing is fucking the Premier League’s most successful manager in the Green Room at Cloud Sports half an hour after I’ve just done my first live TV stint for the channel.’
‘I love it when you talk dirty.’ He grinned, grabbing her round the waist again and pulling her against him for a longer, deeper kiss. A kiss that signalled, once and for all, their need to escape this place and retire somewhere a little more private.
‘Well, take me home then, handsome, and I’ll show you what real talking dirty sounds like.’
He arched an eyebrow. ‘Is that a promise?’
‘Oh yeah. That’s a promise.’
Ryan couldn’t sleep. He had a million and one things going round in his head and none of them were what he should be focusing his attention on. His mind should be on tomorrow’s game, and it was, to a point. His mind was certainly on football that was for sure. Amongst other things.
Hauling himself up off the bed, he walked over to the window, leaning forward, his hands placed on the windowsill as he stared out ahead of him. It was dark outside, the summer sun now long gone, but he could still hear the sound of people out and about, the sound of a normal Friday night, and what he wouldn’t give to be sitting in a bar somewhere, downing vodka shots and forgetting everything he didn’t want to think about right now. But he’d made himself think about it. He’d made sure the idea had stayed there in his head, because he needed to think it over. He had to be sure he wasn’t just making some snap decision that he might regret somewhere along the line.
He lowered his head, closing his eyes as memories of the past few months washed over him in a wave of unwelcome reminders. He couldn’t go down that road again, he had to be strong. But that was easier said than done when all he really wanted to do was escape.
Opening his eyes, he pulled his phone out of his back pocket and scrolled down his contact list, stopping at a number near the bottom. If he called that number he could very well be putting into motion wheels that he may not be able to stop from turning, and he had no idea what the consequences of that could be. He was taking a huge risk, so he had to be sure.
He hesitated for a second. Maybe he should wait until he’d spoken to Max. He was his agent, after all. Wouldn’t he be able to guide him in the right direction? Or would he just tell him he was being rash. Stupid. Would he tell him he was just running away again, like he had done in the past? Like he was capable of doing again.
Looking back up and out of the window, Ryan’s finger hovered over the touchscreen. One press, that’s all it would take to give him the space he really needed. One press…
‘You’re setting a dangerous precedent, aren’t you?’ Amber said, stretching out in their wonderfully luxurious bed in their small but comfortable north London home.
‘What’s that, honey?’ Jim shouted out from the en-suite.
‘You’re setting a dangerous precedent, not staying at the hotel with the rest of the squad the night before the match.’ Amber turned over onto her stomach, grabbing her phone from the bedside table and checking for any messages. There was just one, from Ronnie, asking if she was okay. ‘I mean, it’s your rule, and you’ve just broken it.’ She quickly tapped out a reply to Ronnie, pressed send, then threw her phone onto the table, turning back over. ‘Big time.’
Jim closed the en-suite door behind him, smiling as he watched her lying there, nake
d and beautiful. She looked even more beautiful post-sex. Almost like making love gave her some kind of ethereal glow. ‘My rules to break, Amber. Anyway, Colin’s way more forceful than I am at making sure that lot stay put.’
‘Oh yeah? Have I turned you into some kind of soft touch?’ Amber smirked as Jim slid back into bed beside her.
‘Me? A soft touch? I doubt that very much.’ He placed a hand on her hip, turning her onto her side so she faced him. ‘I can be a real monster when I want to be.’ He lunged forward, playfully biting her neck, causing her to giggle out loud, suddenly forgetting all the tension and the worry she’d been feeling previously. Oh God, she loved this man so much. So, so much. ‘Hey, listen.’ Jim smiled, pulling her against him, running his hand lightly over the curve of her waist, resting it on her hip. ‘I’ve been thinking. Why don’t we move?’
‘Move?’ she asked, frowning slightly. ‘Move where? Away from Tynemouth? I thought you loved that house?’
‘I do. I do, it’s a great house. But, if we’re gonna start a family…’
Amber felt her stomach lurch as he spoke, and everything she’d been trying so hard to forget, even if it was just for a few hours, suddenly invaded her head all over again.
‘… I think we need a bigger place, don’t you?’
‘I… Jim, I…’
‘I don’t want to leave Tynemouth, Amber. I really like it there, I love being by the sea. And if we do have kids then what better place to bring them up, huh? By the sea, with the beach on our doorstep? I just think that, well, it would be nice to buy a place together. A place that’s ours, something we chose as a couple. What do you say?’
She wanted to say a lot of things. She wanted to tell him how she wished everything was going to be as simple as he was now making it sound, when it was going to be anything but that. And part of her wished she hadn’t brought the subject of babies up at all, not until she knew what she was dealing with. But she’d let herself get carried away with thoughts of her dream life with Jim, making her forget, for a brief amount of time, that none of it was going to be plain sailing.
She smiled, hoping it was a smile that had reached her eyes, because the last thing she wanted was for him to think she was hiding something. Even if she was.
‘We don’t need to rush into anything, do we?’
He frowned slightly, stroking her cheek with his thumb. ‘You don’t like the idea?’
‘I didn’t say that, Jim, I just… Do we have to make a decision right now?’ She knew just how to take his mind off moving house, how to steer the conversation away from anything that allowed her to think about something that only made her feel on edge. ‘I mean, while we’re here, together, shouldn’t we be making the most of our time doing things, rather than talking? Before we’re separated again?’
He returned her smile, and Amber felt her heart literally melt. He’d turned her into some kind of simpering, lovesick idiot at times, but he was all she’d ever wanted. Despite their shaky start, all those years of missing him, hating him, trying to keep him at bay, all she’d ever really wanted was to have him – totally. To be with him forever. Despite everything.
‘What you got in mind then, beautiful? You wanna show me some of your diversion tactics?’
She reached down and took him in her hand, closing her eyes as she kissed him, slowly.
‘Oh, baby, I can see you know exactly what you’re doing,’ Jim groaned, burying his fingers in her tousled hair as she stroked him harder, faster.
She felt him grow in her hand, excitement rising inside her as the tension built, their bodies warm and waiting.
‘Turn around,’ he whispered, his lips resting on hers as he spoke.
She looked at him, half of her not wanting to turn around because she liked to see him when they made love, liked to know he was really there, really hers. But the other half of her wanted to experience sex this way again; that wonderfully sensual experience of leaving it all up to him. So she slowly turned around, closing her eyes as he gently pulled her back against him, his hand running over her thigh, her waist, moving slowly around to touch her, to make sure she was ready for him – which she was, she was more than ready. And as his fingers plunged into that warm, wet place between her legs she cried out loud, gripping the pillow tight as he opened her up, preparing her for what was about to happen. Oh Jesus, what he could do to her with just one touch.
She gasped as his fingers entered her briefly, biting down on her lip as they moved around inside her, his groans sending her stomach into a barrage of continuous somersaults as he pushed deeper, causing her to cry out again.
As his lips kissed that space just below her ear, he gently pulled his fingers out of her, her body relaxing slightly as his hand ran back up and over her stomach, carefully cupping one of her breasts as he slowly pushed into her from behind. Amber groaned loudly, pushing herself back against him, wanting him to go deep, to push harder. She could feel him fully inside her now, his lips brushing the back of her neck, her shoulder, shivers rocketing up and down her spine like some constant, crazy electric shock as he whispered things in her ear that turned her on like crazy. She was so in love with this man that when she was with him, when they were this close, nothing else mattered. Nothing. Because this was all she’d ever wanted. He was everything, and he had been for over twenty years. That was never going to change.
‘It’s okay, baby,’ he whispered, his hand sliding between her legs again, touching her, helping her on her way to what she knew was going to be one sweet climax. And when that release came, it came fast and hard, an intense wave of white-hot pleasure flowing rapidly through her body, coming in short, sharp spasms as he held her tight against him, his lips kissing her neck, whispering to her until he came, too, just as fast and just as hard. ‘Jesus, Amber…’
She smiled, closing her eyes, lying back against him, his hand closing over hers as it rested on her stomach. ‘I needed that like you wouldn’t believe,’ she moaned, just wanting to lie there until she fell asleep, not wanting to leave his arms. ‘I missed you so much.’
‘I missed you, too,’ he said, his mouth covering her shoulder in tiny kisses. ‘I missed you, too.’
Opening her eyes, she stayed facing away from him, staring at a picture of them both on the bedside table. A picture of them on their honeymoon. They looked happy, relaxed, Jim as handsome as ever, despite his eyes being covered by his trademark aviator sunglasses. Sometimes it all still felt like one big dream, a life she was living from the side lines because she couldn’t quite get her head around the reality. But she knew now, more than ever, that reality had to be faced, head-on. She’d always thought she’d been prepared for the eventuality that she may never have children – she’d always, always thought that she’d be fine with that outcome. It wasn’t like she’d ever fooled herself into thinking some miraculous recovery was going to happen the second she found the right man. But now, more than ever, she only wished that were the case.
Chapter Six
‘I need to see you, Max.’
‘What? Now? You do know what time it is, don’t you? And what are you doing on the phone at this time on a match day? I know Jim Allen’s softened up slightly since he married your ex but I wasn’t aware he’d given you lot carte blanche to break every rule he’d ever imposed.’
‘Shut up, Max, will you?’
‘Oh, that’s a nice way to speak to the man who made you what you are.’
Ryan knew he’d said that with his tongue firmly in his cheek, and he sighed, leaning back against the wall as he tried to block out the sounds of a football stadium on a match day – the noise of the crowd outside, the chatter of voices coming from what seemed like every corner of the ground.
‘Can you come and see me or not, Max?’
‘What you up to?’
‘I’m not up to anything… Jesus… I just need to talk to you about something, okay?’
There was a pause, and Ryan knew now that he shouldn’t have said anything. Ma
x was bound to think the worst, and with good reason. Given Ryan’s past, what else was he supposed to think?
‘You sure you’re not…’
‘Everything’s fine, Max. I just need to talk to you, as my agent. Is that okay?’
Another pause. ‘Okay. You’re back in the North East tonight, aren’t you? Give me a ring when you’re home and I’ll come to your apartment tomorrow. Luckily for you I’m up north for the next couple of days anyway. Just promise me…’
‘I promise you, Max.’
‘All right. I believe you. Have a good match, and I’ll see you soon.’
Ryan quickly ended the call, throwing his head back and closing his eyes. He was doing the right thing, he was sure he was. He just needed someone else to tell him that.
‘Do you want to give that to me?’
His eyes sprang open as he heard Jim Allen’s voice. He was standing right beside him, eyeing him suspiciously.
‘It was an emergency call, boss.’
‘Really,’ Jim said dryly, arching an eyebrow as he held out his hand. ‘I don’t want to start treating you like a child, Ryan, but if you insist on acting like one…’
‘For Christ’s sake, it was one lousy phone call. One I needed to make to put my mind at rest.’
‘You’re distracted?’ Jim asked, that eyebrow still arched as he stared at his young, talented, but extremely unpredictable striker. ‘Something on your mind?’
‘Not anymore.’ Ryan reluctantly placed his phone in Jim’s still-outstretched hand.
‘Glad to hear it.’ Jim slipped Ryan’s phone into his jacket pocket before returning both hands to the pockets of his immaculately cut suit trousers. ‘I’d hate to think you had anything on your mind other than helping us win this game.’ Jim’s eyes stayed fixed on Ryan’s for a few seconds longer than Ryan felt comfortable with. ‘Back to the dressing room. And no more escape acts. You got that?’
Jim watched him walk back off in the direction of the away team dressing room, not entirely convinced that everything was as it should be, but then, Ryan Fisher was never going to be a player he could totally trust. He just had to make sure that Ryan did what was required of him and didn’t stray too far off those rails he’d once been so fond of veering from.
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