Then, I pull back and force my body forward down the trail. Rev follows my lead.
My steps are wobbly for a few moments, but I pull in all my determination and find a solid rhythm. I focus on each step, one at a time. I don’t know where we’re going, and to be honest, I don’t much care so long as it’s not back toward the flames. Gaze cast to my boots skidding over the ashy stone walkway, I chant over and over that I’m okay. We’re okay. Both of us.
And this time, if I have to face the Night Terror, I know I won’t be alone.
Rev
Caelynn stumbles her way through the winding trail, deeper into the mountain range. I have zero intention of going back toward the flame wall today, not even to try spying like we’d planned. And I don’t suspect going back to the cottage is wise either, even though it’s only another mile or so from here.
“I thought he was helping us,” I say quietly, resisting the urge to pull Caelynn back into my arms.
“He might have been. He changed his mind,” she says, and I shake my head in disbelief. Caelynn was right about trusting another wraith. We did get useful information, but it almost cost us our lives.
Now, we’ve got to figure out if anything out of his mouth was accurate and what that will mean. He did mention that the Night Terror was waiting for us to cross the wall, which would mean even if he’s right—that it’s a simple stroll through a magical field that weighs your soul and then let’s go—we have to be very careful when and how we venture across.
We have to be ready for a fight the moment our feet land on the other side.
I place my hand on Caelynn’s back, gently guiding her through an opening between two smaller mountains. The stone here is uneven, the path meandering up and down and around haphazardly. There’s evidence of recent landslides, shifted stones, piles of rubble, and an arrowhead-shaped trench carved into the mountainside.
Which probably means this pass is treacherous and we should avoid it, but that’s the exact reason I lead us in this direction. Falling stones are the least of our worries in this part of the world.
If we pass through this uninhabitable area, we may be able to find a safe place where the wraith spies won’t expect us.
It may or may not work, but it’s worth a shot.
We walk another half-mile north, where the stone grows larger and more settled. The sky is back to its patchy grey with a red tinge. Much preferred to the scarlet glowing red it becomes by the wall of flames. There are no paths here, which is all the better. It means for a more challenging walk, but Caelynn’s feet grow steadier and steadier as we go.
Finally, I find a small nook between rocks.
“Do you think this will keep us safe for the night?” I ask.
Caelynn looks up for the first time, her eyebrows pull down then up. Then, she nods. “It’ll do.”
She steps forward, fingers sliding against the damp stone, and she crouches inside the small opening. Then, she presses her back against the barrier and slides down. She slumps over her knees, face pressed to the crook of her arms.
“Are you all right?” I whisper, watching her from the cave mouth. I want to comfort her. I want to take care of her. But I have no idea how to do any of that.
She nods without looking up.
The cave—if one can even call it that—is tiny. It’s covered on all sides except one small opening, but it’s only about four feet deep and two wide.
My cheeks flush as I consider what that will be like for both of us to try to lie here.
In the cottage, we’d shared a bed, but it was large enough we didn’t have to touch if we didn’t choose it. And most of the time, we didn’t choose it. Well, she didn’t choose it.
“We have a long time before sunset,” I mutter. We left early in the morning, and we’ve spent a few hours traveling, but that leaves many more hours in the day.
She nods, finally pulling her face from its hiding place. There are bags beneath her eyes as if it’s been days since she last rested.
“I’m not sure I’m in a proper state to cross that fire wall, though.” Her voice is hoarse.
I wave her off. “Of course not—that’s not what I—”
“Even if it’s as simple as the wolf made it sound and we cross easily due to the goodness of our souls or whatever...” She winces, fear flashing in her expression. Is she uncertain about the state of her own soul? Does she not see what I see? “We’re not sure what’s on the other side of it, and the Night Terror...”
“Was that her? The voice?” I ask softly. The ground-shaking, bodiless voice. It was unnerving, for sure, but it didn’t affect me the way it did Caelynn. Or even the wolf for that matter.
“It sounded just like him,” she whispers.
I’d heard the Night Bringer’s voice once before. At least, I think it was him in the Cave of Mysteries during the trials, but I can’t say for certain it wasn’t just a trick. But either way, the fear of my memories doesn’t cut as deep as hers do. “That’s why you...”
“Freaked out? Yeah.” She swallows and looks down at her hands. “I suppose it brought back a few memories.”
My chest tightens. The creature that captured and tortured me as an adolescent.
“You’ve never really told me about it,” I mutter, lowering into a crouch. The ground is damp and tough, with uneven stone.
Caelynn never tells me anything I don’t need to know. She hides what she feels, what she thinks, what she’s done, and what’s happened to her. I want to know her more. This... well, it’s easier to not know. But I want to. I want to know what she’s been through. I want to understand what I once thought was inconceivable. Unforgivable.
“Will you tell me?” I whisper. I don’t ask if she wants to tell me because I know she doesn’t. “What happened to you?” I ask for the first time.
Caelynn bites her lip, eyebrows bent low as she considers. She shrugs, and I press my hand to my heart, feeling it pound uncontrollably. I’m eager and terrified.
“How did you end up in a bargain with him?” I prompt because she hasn’t outright turned me down, and I know this is hard for her.
“One night,” she begins slowly, her voice low, “I overheard my parents talking about sending me away to another court.” She clears her throat, and her voice becomes steadier. More confident. I can practically see the emotion fading as she straightens her shoulders and tucks it all away behind those shields she’s so proficient at wielding. “I didn’t understand that conversation very much back then. They talked about me not being strong enough. I just thought they were punishing me. But now I think they knew. They knew that the Night Bringer was following our bloodline, waiting for the right person to come along that he could use as a tool to break the curse. Because I had the right blood, I was in danger. Actually... I was the danger.” She shakes her head.
I don’t speak. Don’t move. I long to comfort her, to take away all of her pain. But I’m far too late.
“They knew,” she whispers, eyes unfocused. “I remember their expressions after the queen banished m,e after they learned what I did. I remember them saying banishment is better. I never knew what that meant, but I guess now I do.”
I swallow. “Banishment meant being away from the Night Bringer’s reach.”
“Mostly,” she whispers. “But yeah, I guess it’s because they knew he’d gotten to me.”
I swallow.
“I thought they hated me. They wanted to disown me. Well, maybe that’s still true. But maybe it’s not. Maybe... it was what was best for me. Get me out of the realm and out of his reach.”
I take in a long breath through my nose and let it out slowly.
“So, anyway... I ran off to complete my first rite of passage without their permission. If I just completed one, then they couldn’t force me to move away or marry someone at another court. But it was there that the Night Bringer found me. He tricked me into one of those small tunnels. And...”
I swallow.
“He made it very
clear what my life would be like if I declined to take his bargain.”
I pause, every muscle tense. I can barely breathe. “He tortured you.”
She pauses, her face slack, emotionless. Then, she shrugs. “I took the bargain. And he sent me to a ball to meet you. He knew what you were to me. I’m certain of that.”
Silence stretches between us, just the rain pattering gently outside. When did it start raining?
“You ever think about what things might have been like?” I ask, watching her closely, memorizing every feature. Who would she have been, if... “If the Night Bringer didn’t even exist.”
Her lips lift into a gentle smile. “I spent ten years thinking about that.”
My face falls, and I press my eyes closed as shame washes over me.
“What?” she croaks.
“I spent ten years imaging your death,” I say. “You spent ten years imaging our life together.”
She purses her lips. No hint at all she has any idea why this is significant.
“It’s a wonder you’re the one we call a monster.”
“Rev,” she says firmly. “I was a monster. I killed a fae prince. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter who he was. I killed him. And he was your brother. I would never even dream of blaming you for hating me.” She shakes her head. “I hated me.”
The breath that escapes my lips is shaky because I can relate. I’ve hated me too. My life was so full of anger. At myself. My father. The girl who took my brother from me.
I strove to prove I was worthy of my title. Worthy of my brother’s legacy. But unlike Caelynn, I had a scapegoat. I projected all of that on her. The fae that wielded the blade that ended my brother’s life.
If only I’d know it was all to save my life.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” I mumble.
Caelynn blinks. “What?”
“That he hurt you.” I shake my head, my thoughts are jumbled and confused. Images flashing through my mind, of Caelynn during the trials. She knew. The whole time, what I was to her. And that I hated her. I wanted her dead.
Why didn’t she ever tell me?
Her lips part. “The Night Bringer? Why would I—”
“No, I mean my brother.”
Caelynn
I suck in a breath. “What?” I breathe.
“Were you ever going to tell me that my brother hurt you before you killed him?” His words are forceful, like an accusation. I flinch.
“No,” I say firmly.
He presses his palm to his lips, eyes soft and so achingly sad. I don’t want Rev to ever be sad. I want him to be happy. That’s my last wish. The last thing I’ll ever be granted.
I will find a way to win this fight and save Rev so that he can go on and live a good life without me. My own life was forfeit a long time ago. All I’ve ever been able to ask for is little moments of happiness. Of friendship and giving hope to someone else. Seeing it in their eyes. Hope for life that I never had.
Or, well, haven’t had since I was seventeen. That feels like a different life altogether.
I shake my head from those thoughts and wipe the tears. When I look up, I see Rev watching me. Our eyes meet and they stay that way, locked but neither of us speaking for a full minute.
It’s an eternity, this minute. Bitter but sweet. And I’d take it. If this were all I could have. If moments like this were all I could steal away from what could have been between me and Rev... I’d take it.
“I wish you’d told me,” he says finally breaking the silence.
“Why?” I whisper. “It would have only caused you more pain.”
He takes in a long breath, pulling his eyes from mine. “You let me believe you were a murderer. Even up to just days ago. I thought... I mean I guess I kinda knew. But I still let myself believe it. That Reahgan was good and you...” He shakes his head.
He wouldn’t have believed it, if I had told him. But I don’t say that.
“Why would I want to hurt you more?” What good would it do to tell him that his brother used his power to hold me down and told me how he’d torture me. That the guards and the High Court wouldn’t care what my body looked like when he finally gave me up to the authorities?
I shiver at the thought. No, I wouldn’t ever tell Rev that. Not even now.
He thinks it somehow justified what I did. And while it certainly made it easier—I’m not convinced I wouldn’t have done it anyway.
Another reason I’m not so sure I’ll make it through that wall of flames that apparently destroys you if it deems you unworthy.
We’re quiet for a long time, just listening to the pattering of the rain outside.
“It drives me a little crazy, thinking how I’d judged you. How I hated you for so long. I imagined your death more times than I care to admit. And it’s funny now, I have those same dreams sometimes. Where I kill you. My hands are wrapped around your throat and I squeeze the life out of you, or I carve out your heart the way you did his.”
I ignore the clenching pain digging into my chest and force my face to remain neutral. He still has those dreams.
“Only now,” Rev continues in a near whisper, “those dreams are nightmares. I wake in a cold sweat, panicked that you’re gone. Guilt-ridden that I’d done it.”
My lips parted in surprise. Gone is my mask of indifference, though I couldn’t possibly name the emotions running through me now and so I have no idea what my expression tells him. I watch as he speaks to the ground. Puddling with pools of water.
“If only I’d known,” he whispers.
“Rev...”
“I’m sorry,” he tells me, dark eyes flashing to me.
“What?”
“I’m sorry for thinking those things of you. I’m sorry for hating you.”
“Stop, Rev.”
“No,” he says, eyes watery. “I hate that you went through all of that. I hate that you spent your whole life protecting me while I only made it worse for you.”
“Stop!” I shout. “I am not some saint, Rev. I deserved my punishment. And you did nothing wrong.”
He shakes his head. “I thought you were evil. I let myself believe it because it was easy to hate you. But I saw what he did to you, or part of it, during the first orb challenge. I didn’t believe it. I refused to see what was right in front of me—”
I bite my lip. “Rev, you were wrong to think me evil, that’s true. But you’re wrong now too.”
He pauses. “What do you mean?”
I sigh. “I’m not evil. But I’m not good either.”
His eyes pierce me, the way he always does, and I look away.
“My soul is tarnished. Scarred. Deformed. He was right. The Night Bringer, when he trapped me... he told me things about myself. He said I was like him. That I desired power. That I thirsted for it. That I’d bring pain to the world to achieve it. Those things scared me as much as he did— because he was right.”
Rev’s eyebrows pull down.
“I am a victim. In a lot of ways. But I was selfish and stupid and power-hungry and vengeful too.”
Rev stares down at his hands as he wrings his fingers.
“And you think I’m not?” he says, his voice husky and pained all at once. “You think I didn’t choose power over... shit, everything else. You think if I had a monster whispering in my ear that if I complete one terrible deed, I’d have all the power I’d craved—that I wouldn’t have done it?”
I swallow. “Would you?” My voice breaks.
“I don’t know. It would depend on how it was presented to me. But I don’t think it would have been difficult to make me cave.”
I lean my head back against the stone. A drop of water lands between my eyes and I flinch. The cool water is a welcome distraction though.
“You didn’t know me before the trials, but you saw some of it. You saw how power-thirsty I was. How I’d plow through anyone to achieve my goals. How I’d destroy anything in my path to prove myself.”
“And how many peopl
e did you kill?” I ask sharply. I don’t need him to convince me that what I did wasn’t bad. I don’t even want that. I just want this conversation to end.
“No one. But I didn’t save any either. You did.”
“Rev,” I bark.
He waves his hands casually, willing to give it up. “All I’m saying is that—” he pauses and purses his lips like he’s choosing his words carefully. “You and I are mates for a reason. Fate doesn’t make that big of a mistake.”
My eyebrows pull down in confusion. “What?”
“Maybe we both belong here,” he says finally.
Caelynn
Rev sits beside me, quiet and still for—I don’t even know how long. Long enough for the gentle rain to stop.
Rev and I are so complicated it’s hard to keep these lines straight. We are allies. And friends. We should be lovers, but that will never happen. So, we pretend. Pretend that this is all there is.
I pretend that I’m not watching his fingers curl over his thigh, measuring the space between us. That I don’t think about his lips on mine about every ten seconds. That I don’t wish there was some way that I could be good enough for him.
The awkward silence stretches between us. He knows I’m hiding from those deep conversations that lay me bare. Things I don’t ever want him to know. Burdens that shouldn’t be his.
I force myself to my feet suddenly, crawling from the tiny cave in an instant. I just need to move, to get out of this tiny, cramped place, but my knees buckle, and I lose my balance. Rev must have followed me out because his hands are at my waist, steadying me.
My cheeks burn in embarrassment. Why? Why do I have to be so weak now? Like poison in the air is seeping into my lungs. The magic inside my veins crawls like little needles piercing everything.
“Careful,” he whispers, his tone husky, and just like that, my mind is spinning through what I want him to do. What I wish we were, could be.
My back presses against the nearest stone, and he follows, ensuring I’m okay.
I don’t know if I am.
His silver eyes are stark against the dim and sour red of the Schorchedlands’ sky. His hands are on either side of my head.
Soul of Thorns (Wicked Fae Book 3) Page 5