My fingers tap tap tap away an answer. No thank you. Leaving now.
The Penrose is only twenty minutes away if there’s no traffic. Seeing how it’s 9 p.m. on a Friday night, I’m prepared to sit in the back of the taxi for half the night.
A light sigh slips past my lips as I bend down to pick up my Louis Vuitton heels. They have a row of spikes up the back and a hot pink underside. They have exactly the touch of color and attitude I would’ve worn back then. I almost second guess the simple black dress I’ve picked out. It’s a nod to Audrey Hepburn. But looking over my shoulder in the darkened bathroom mirror, all I see is an option for the funeral.
But I would’ve worn this back then. Back when I was happy and everything was how it was supposed to be. And don't I want to be that girl again?
I grit my teeth, holding the heels in one hand and the iron banister in the other as I descend the winding staircase.
I’m not that woman any longer, I’ve changed. I accept that, but I don’t fucking like who I am now. Eight months of a pity party and being stuck in a rut is quite long enough, thank you. I’d like to say that Jace wouldn’t want to see me like this… but I don’t even know what Jace would want for me. I’ve quit wearing my ring, although it still sits on his nightstand. I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to find out who I really am.
Before I open the door, I glimpse out the large stained glass window in the foyer. It’s all grey outside, and the hustle and bustle below is only a fraction of what it could be.
A faint patter of rain greets me when I step outside. I don’t bother with an umbrella, simply tossing a trench coat on and quickly taking the steps to the street out front and hailing a cab. My heels click as I quickly wrap the belt tightly around me and tie my coat.
I could have called for someone to do this, to order me a cab so it would be waiting. I could ask for help with so many things. I’d rather do it myself though.
The breeze and rain feel real. The rain is cold to the touch and I’m sure I’ll be regretting it soon. But it’s something different. And I don’t want anyone’s help. I just need time.
A cab pulls up within seconds and I lower my arm. Climbing in and shaking off the gathered rain from my jacket, the inside of the cab is warm and welcoming. I push the hair out of my face and say, “Penrose, please.”
“You got it,” the cabby says as he looks over his shoulder to look at me. His thinning black hair is oiled over and he’s more than a little overweight. The buttons on his striped shirt are straining to keep it shut.
I can see the questions in his eyes, but just as he opens his mouth to ask something, I don’t give a fuck what, I turn to look out of the closed window.
Everything outside is wet and dreary. The people walk quickly and a couple only about ten feet away are fighting over an umbrella. It’s a cute little fight though and the tall man in a navy blue Henley lets the woman win. She’s dressed for business, while he’s in casual attire. But as soon as she takes full control of the umbrella, she walks closer to him and he wraps his arm around her waist.
I rip my eyes away and pick at my nails. It’s little things like that I find unbearable. I bite the inside of my cheek and hold down the bitterness.
Luckily, the driver gets the picture. I’m not in the mood to talk, and the cab moves ahead, taking me away from my sanctuary and toward another test.
That’s what these things really are. Tests.
It’s only in this moment that I realize I’m really doing it. I’ve put it off so many times. I’ve given so many damn excuses for not meeting up with the girls.
Why today? I don’t know. My heart sinks thinking that maybe I’m really getting over his death.
As much as I want to be the woman I used to be, happy and carefree, I don’t want to forget him.
I lay my head back on the headrest and close my eyes, my Jimmy Choo clutch in my lap. Jace gave it to me last Christmas. I snort at the thought, running my fingers over the smooth hot pink leather. Really, I picked it out and he paid for it.
I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. It’s calming, so damn calming driving in a quiet cab at night in the city. The quiet rumble of the engine and the white noise of the rain are a serene mix.
The last day I saw my husband was when we were watching my nephew Everett, so my sister could have a mother-daughter day with Lexi.
The thought of my nephew brings a smile to my face. With sandy blond hair that just barely covers his big blue eyes and a wide smile, you can’t help but smile back at him. He was only a few months old back then. A brand new life in this world. That’s the way it works, isn’t it? Life and death going hand in hand.
I look forward, my eyes popping open and I stare out of the windshield when we stop far away from Second Avenue where the bar is located; it’s just a bit of traffic is holding us up.
The cabby shrugs as he says, “We should be out of it soon.” He’s tense at the wheel, probably expecting me to snap at him, maybe blame him for taking the wrong route. More guilt washes down on me. I hate spreading negativity. I don’t want other people to see me and judge me, or feel as though this is their fault. I’m not an ice bitch… or at least I don’t mean to be.
I give him a soft smile, pulling my dress down slightly and placing my clutch in the middle seat, “I figured we’d run into something,” I say easily. My voice comes out even and calm. It’s the voice I use with my family. The kind of tone that says, I’m okay, just tired.
The cabby shifts, making the leather seat grumble and he tries to make small chat.
I nod my head and answer politely, but keep everything short and to the point. I can be accommodating to others and I want to be. I’m tired of being alone and pushing others away. It’s just harder than I thought it would be.
After a moment of quiet, I look out of the window again. The rain’s nearly stopped, and instantly the sidewalks are crowded as a result. The people were always there, just waiting under the awnings for protection. Not many people like to venture into the harsher nights with weather that washes away your makeup, and ruins even the best put-together look.
But they were waiting and ready to keep moving just the same. All they needed was a small break before they’d set out again. The only question is if there will be an awning to save them when the brutal downpour comes back.
The cabby stops and my eyes whip up to the sign on my right, my heart beating faster as I watch dozens of people walking in front of me on the sidewalk. Each going wherever it is that life has taken them. I don’t know if I’m ready, but I’m here. My time is up and they’re tired of waiting.
“Miss?” the cabbie asks. I shake my head slightly with quick motions and play off my hesitation, paying him and leaving a big tip as well. He deserves it for having to suffer my company.
“Have a good night,” I tell him as I slip out, my heels hitting the slick asphalt and the door shutting behind me with a deafening click.
Chapter 3
Mason
The wind is harsh and brutal,
It makes you want to run.
The rain will cleanse your poor soul,
As it makes you come undone.
You can seek shelter from the damage
But its refuge is not your friend.
You knew from the beginning.
You knew how this would end.
It figures it would stop fucking raining the second I get in here. The bar is jam-packed as it always is, and the sounds of people chatting and glasses clinking welcome me. I can get lost in the crowds of people. I know they see me, but they don’t know me.
This bar in particular is one of my favorites. It’s always full. It’s tufted leather seats are constantly filled, and the warm rich tones of the wooden ceiling and brick walls make it feel like home somehow.
My suit looks like every other fucker’s suit. Well most of them. I run my fingers through my hair and shake off the rain as I shrug off my Armani jacket and toss it over the bar top at the very end.
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It’s been a long fucking day, and the last thing I need is go home alone. As soon as I lift my eyes lift, the bartender on me. Patricia’s her name I think. She’s in here every weekend.
“Whiskey?” she asks me. She never stops moving, shoveling ice into short glasses and pouring liquor like a pro. Unlike the other women in here, she’s not looking for a man with deep pockets. She doesn’t do chitchat either, which is one reason why I like sitting in this section. The other reason is that it’s out of the way where I can just blend in and watch.
“Double,” I answer her with a nod and slip out my cell phone out from my jacket pocket. I’ve only been gone for two hours, but I’ve got a dozen emails waiting for my attention. A huff of a grunt leaves me as another text from Liam pops up.
You coming out tonight?
Already out, I answer him as the glass hits the polished bar top and Patricia slides it over to me.
My phone pings as I lift the glass to my lips and let the cool liquor burn all the way down and warm my chest.
Where at?
I contemplate telling him. I like Liam. A lot. If I had any friends, he’d be one of them. But I don’t trust anyone and after talking to my father today, I don’t want to be around a damn soul.
A sarcastic laugh makes me grin as I realize I’ve come to a crowded bar to be alone. It’s the truth though. In this city, you’re always surrounded; there’s never a place to hide unless it’s in plain sight.
I down the rest of the liquor and tap the heavy glass against the bar top as I consider what to tell him. And that’s when I hear it. Almost as if daring me to stay alone any longer. It’s the gentle sound of a feminine laugh. It’s genuine and it rings clear in the bar even though it’s soft.
It’s a soothing sound, a calming force in the chaos that surrounds us. As if everything is moving around me but the woman who uttered that sweet sound.
The smooth glass stays still as I look down the bar in search of her.
The rest of the crowd doesn’t seem to notice, they continue with whatever the fuck they’re saying and doing, but my eyes are drawn to my left. Through the throng of people, I just barely get a glimpse of her.
Blonde hair that’s pulled back, showing off her pale skin covered in black lace.
A man at the very end leans away from the bar, digging into his back pocket for his wallet and giving me a clear view of her.
Those lips attract my gaze first. She licks her bottom lip before picking up a large glass of deep red wine. The color, from this distance at least, matches her lips perfectly. She smiles at something someone must have said and her shoulders shake, making the dark liquid swirl in her glass and bringing a blush to her high cheek bones.
She tosses her hair to the side, it’s damp from the rain and her fingers tease the ends as she brings her tendrils over her shoulder, wrapping them around her finger while she sips her wine.
It’s when she looks away from whoever she’s been giving her attention to that my heart stops and my curiosity is piqued.
Without their eyes on her, her expression morphs into something else. I finally see her eyes, the lightest of blues with flecks of silver speckled throughout, and that’s when I really see her. Not just the image of what she’s portraying.
Pain is clear as day.
It’s the lie though, how fucking good she was at hiding it, that’s what really gets me. Even I was fooled.
People can hide behind a smile or a laugh, every fucker in here can pretend to be something and someone they’re not.
The truth is always there though and I’m damn good at recognizing it. Your eyes can never hide two things: age and emotion. Hers speak to me in a way nothing else can.
But had I never looked just then when she thought no one was watching, she never would have shown me willingly.
She straightens her shoulders and I see her profile, her expression and the corners of my lips turn down. Not only do I know her pain; I know her name. I know everything about her.
Julia Summers.
My blood chills as she turns back to the table and the smile slips back into place on her face just as the man at the end of the bar takes a step forward, obscuring her from my vision. As if the moment of clarity and recognition was just for me in that moment. Like fate wanted me to know how close I was to her.
I keep my eyes on the bar, doing my best to listen, but her voice is silent or lost in the mix of chatter throughout the crowded place.
“Another?” Patricia’s voice sounds close, closer than she usually is. I lift my head to see her standing right in front of me, both hands on the bar and waiting.
I nod my head with my brows pinched, shaking off the mix of emotions. This city is a small place with worlds always colliding, but I’ve never seen her in person. Only in a photograph. Only that once. I’m sure it’s her though. I’ve never been this sure of anything.
The ice clinks in the glass and I watch as the liquid slips over each cube, cracking them and filling the crevices.
“You okay?” Patricia asks me. It’s odd. In the year or so since I’ve been coming here, she’s never bothered to make small talk. It’s why I don’t mind her.
I give her a tight smile as I reply, “I’m fine.” I reach her eyes and widen my smile, relaxing my posture and leaning back slightly.
She eyes me warily as she mutters, “You don’t look fine.”
It takes me a moment before I shrug it off and say, “I’m alright, just tired.”
She nods once and goes back to minding her own business, sliding me the whiskey and moving back to the other customers.
I tap my pointer finger against the glass, looking casually down the bar.
She’s hidden from view, but I know she’s there.
Chapter 4
Julia
Carry on for that is life.
You have no choice; you have no right.
Just be still, for that is death.
Do not dare move, you have no breath.
What shame to stay, where life is void.
What could be beauty, is destroyed.
The past is gone and so shall be you,
So long before your life is through.
My body tingles with another sip of cabernet.
It’s my third glass and it’s only tasting sweeter on my lips. The tips of my fingers always feel it first. That familiar buzz that makes my body feel a bit heavy and my mind light.
“I can’t believe your license plate says Alimony,” Maddie says into her wine glass as she snickers again. She’s laughing so hard, the white zinfandel splashes onto her lips, but she doesn’t care. She merely smiles and takes a deep gulp.
Suzette answers with a shrug and a cocky smirk, “Fucker had it coming to him.” Her bright pink lipstick smudges against her glass of Long Island Ice Tea and she wipes it away with her napkin as Maddie continues to laugh. Sue’s given herself a makeover since her divorce is finalized. Currently she’s sporting jet black hair with a blunt bob cut and bangs to go with her snippy attitude.
“Did you really have to put it on display like that though?” Maddie asks still smiling from ear to ear and tossing her drink back.
Maddie’s young and naive and thinks Prince Charming is out there, so you should always be ready. Sue has a marriage, a divorce, and fifteen years on Maddie, so that fuck you side-eye doesn’t go unnoticed, at least not by me.
I love her dearly, but Maddie’s horrible at picking up on Suzette’s feelings, but it’s plain as day to me, even as tipsy as I am, that Sue doesn’t want to talk about it. Her license plate is just one more way for Sue to make fun of her divorce before anyone else can. That asshole put her through hell and she came out cold as ice to all men. Well except the ones she likes to sink her claws into after a few Long Islands.
Sue leans back in the white leather booth, keeping the glass in her hand and shrugs again as she says, “What says ‘Fuck you, mother fucker’ like a red Ferrari with that license plate?”
Kat
pipes up from her corner of the booth, rolling her eyes and taking a sip of her Pepsi, “I think it says, ‘Don’t touch this bitch’ to every man in the city.”
A sly smile slips onto Sue’s face. “Thank fuck,” she says as she sets her drink down and stretches her arms over her head. “Maybe all these bastards will finally leave me alone then.” The other girls laugh and I join in although my heart’s not in it. My nerves are shot just being out here tonight. Sue’s directly across from me, and both of us are seated at the ends of the semi-circular booth. Kat to my right, then Maddie.
Sue’s just going through her own personal tragedy. In a way you could call it a death, not like mine, but not unlike it either. I know all this is just a defense mechanism; I wish the other girls could see it too.
“Another round?” The waiter startles me and I nearly spill my glass as I gasp and back away. All the eyes within the vicinity turn to me, everyone within the vicinity and I do what I do best, I let out a small laugh and play it off. Maybe I’m even more like Sue than I realized.
“Sorry,” I say a bit too loud, playing up how tipsy I am, but sweetly and gently placing my hand on the waiter’s arm. His crisp white shirt is soft under my fingers as I lean in and say, “I’m so sorry, I hope I didn’t spill any on you.”
That’s all it takes for everyone to go about their own business, but my heart’s still beating wildly. Some eyes linger. I’m aware they recognize me. My eyes stop across the room; frozen by a gaze I know all too well.
They belong to a woman in her late sixties, Margo Pierce. She’s an heiress and an influential investor in the city. Her large sapphire cocktail rings appear even more over the top as she holds a simple glass of champagne with both hands. For a woman in her sixties, she wears her age well. From her perky breasts to the delicate skin around her eyes, not an inch of her hasn’t been through some procedure or another. It’s all done in good taste though.
The last time I saw her was at a casino, the night I got the phone call. I can still remember the sounds of the machines and the bright colorful lights. A glass of rosé in my right hand as I sat perched on a bar stool in the center of the casino. At the Mohegan, the bar is elevated. I could see so many other guests playing slots and sitting at the card tables; it was packed that night.
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