by Olivia Evans
“Where everything doesn’t scream at you that the ache in your chest is caused by the absence of the person you love,” she whispered, her gaze fixed over my shoulder, unfocused. My eyes widened as I processed her words. It was the first time she’d ever said those words to me.
“Skylar,” I exhaled.
“You’re supposed to be here, trying to live the same life you’ve had, but doing it without me. You’re supposed to be as miserable as I am. I deserve that,” she hissed through gritted teeth.
“Do you think I’m not fucking miserable?” She couldn’t be fucking serious. “I wake up every morning without you, knowing I have no one to blame but myself. I have to live with the fact that I hurt you, my family, and a shit-ton of other people because I was a selfish prick.” I reached out and gripped her hand. I needed her to understand. I needed her to see exactly how fucking miserable I was.
“I have to live with the fact that you, my best friend, my entire fucking heart, may never forgive me. I have to live with the fact that I know who I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with, but because I fucked up, my time with you may be nothing more than memories—that I may never be whole again.”
“How am I supposed to do this? How are we supposed to fix this if you aren’t even here?”
“Then I won’t go,” I answered without hesitation.
“You can’t do that! This is your future, your life.”
“You just don’t get it,” I murmured, brushing my thumb across the top of her hand. “You are my future. You are my life. I don’t want any of those things if it means I can’t have you.”
“Don’t put that kind of pressure on me,” she warned. “I can’t handle that. Not right now.”
“What do you want, Skylar? What can I do to convince you to give me a chance?” I needed her to give me something, some sort of hope that we could make this work.
“I don’t know. I’m so mad at you, Brennan. You broke my trust. You hurt my heart. I just don’t know.” She shook her head and pulled her hand away from mine, withdrawing from me.
“I leave in two weeks. Do you think… God, Skylar, I don’t want this to be over.” My mind bounced all over the place, unable to finish one thought before jumping to another. “I promise, if you give me a chance, I will make things right. I’ll show you I can be the man you deserve.” I had no idea how I could show her when I’d be on the other side of the country, but I’d figure it out. I’d make it work, because the alternative was unacceptable.
“I knew there was a chance you’d be leaving, that you’d get into the FBI, but I pictured us in a completely different situation.” She shook her head. “Not like this.”
“Don’t give me an answer now. Think about it, please.”
She stared at me, her eyes sweeping over my face before she nodded slowly. “I’ll think about it.”
I pulled her to me and hugged her, absorbing the feel of her body against mine before I had to let her go. I buried my face in her hair and whispered against her ear, “I love you.”
“I can’t give you that. I can’t say it out loud. It’s the only thing I have to hold on to.”
I wanted to remind her she’d already said it, but I wondered if maybe she didn’t realize she had. Instead of pushing, I whispered okay and squeezed her tighter.
After what felt like only seconds, she pulled away from me and smoothed her tangled hair off her face. “I need to go.”
I helped her up from the couch and kept my fingers threaded through hers as we walked in silence to the front door. Opening the door for her to leave was physically painful, but she’d listened, and that was more than I deserved.
“I’ll call you. Soon.”
I leaned forward and pressed my lips softly against her forehead. “I’ll be waiting.”
She walked out the door, our fingers tangled until the distance finally pulled them apart. I was once again watching her leave, but this time, it felt different. This time, I didn’t feel like she was walking away forever. I held on to that feeling as I retreated back to my room. I would hold on to that feeling until she called, until she made a decision that could change everything.
The next twelve days flew by. I’d run myself ragged taking blood tests, filling out paperwork, and packing. It was almost enough to keep my mind off the fact that I hadn’t heard from Skyler. Almost. I had made it six days before I caved and called her. The conversation was brief and awkward. I’d started to cancel my flight a dozen different times, only to have Rachel and Drew talk me out of it. No matter what Skylar decided, I still had to live my life.
I thought back to last year and how ready I’d been to get the hell out of Seattle, to get away from everything and everyone and start over. Never once could I have imagined leaving Seattle would be the last thing I wanted to do. Mom and Dad drove up from Aberdeen and took us to dinner. They didn’t bring up the fact that Skylar wasn’t there, likely because they hadn’t expected to see her.
After everything that happened last time, I knew better than to shut them out or lie to them. The looks of disappointment and sadness on both their faces as I confessed to the horrible things I’d done shamed me. But when they hugged me goodbye, told me to be careful and to remember to call home, Mom’s whispered words of, “If you’re meant to be, then love will find a way,” made me grip her a little tighter in thanks. Still, I went to bed without a word from Skylar.
I rounded the corner on my street and slowed my pace, taking in the scene around me for the last time. I was leaving later this afternoon, and I still had so many things to do. Mainly, tracking down Skylar and forcing her to talk to me. I couldn’t leave without seeing her or at least talking to her. It had been two weeks, and we’d had that one brief phone call and then a text from her yesterday asking when I was leaving. It wasn’t enough, not by a long shot. I jogged down the corridor and pushed the front door open, kicking off my shoes before heading to my bedroom. As soon as I walked through the doorway, I stopped dead in my tracks.
“Hey,” Skylar said quietly as she looked at my now-bare walls.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, stunned. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, because I am. I’m really fucking happy, but it just seemed like—” I didn’t need to finish my thought; she had to know exactly how it seemed.
“For the last two weeks, I have imagined every possible scenario of the choice I have to make,” she confessed, bringing her knee to her chest where she sat on the edge of my bed. “Do I turn my back and walk away from something that could be amazing? Or do I stay, give you another chance, and possibly end up completely broken?”
“I’m not going to hurt you, Skylar,” I promised, walking over to the bed and sitting so I was facing her.
“After everything that’s happened, knowing how it feels to lose you, to live without you…” I shook my head and leaned forward, pulling her hand between mine. “I’ll never do anything that could take you away from me again.”
She sighed and gave me a small smile. “You always say exactly the right words. But that’s one of the things that scares me the most, because you’ve always known what to say, even when you were lying to my face.”
“I know.” I had spun every situation to make myself appear as someone I wasn’t—a fraud, a fake.
“You have the power to break me beyond repair, and that terrifies me.” She twisted her body, mirroring my position, her other hand coming to rest on my knee. “But the thought of not giving you an opportunity to make me feel the way I did when things were good… I can’t deny myself that chance. I’d always wonder what if?”
“So, you’re saying—” The words stuck in my throat, afraid if I let them go, they would vanish.
“I’m saying show me, don’t tell me. Prove to me that I can trust you. Prove to me that what we had is worth it. Prove to me you love me like you claim.”
I pulled her toward me and wrapped my arms around her waist. “I won’t make you regret this.”
“I’m not p
romising you anything other than I’ll try. You understand that, right?” she asked, pulling back from me.
“I understand. That’s all I’m asking for.”
“And you understand there’s a chance things won’t work out?”
I shook my head and smiled. “We’re meant to be together. There’s only one way this will end.”
“Brennan,” she sighed, sliding off the bed and rising to her feet. “How can you be so certain? You lied to me for months, the person you say you want to spend the rest of your life with. How is that even possible?”
“Because I was afraid. I was so scared of losing you, I let fear cloud everything else.”
“What about the next time you’re afraid, angry, or hurt? Will your love for me be secondary to those emotions again? Because I can’t handle that.”
“No, Skylar. There won’t be a next time. I know it doesn’t matter now, but I was going to tell you everything the day that…well, you know.” It hurt to think about seeing her face that day with her standing so close.
“You say that now, but I have to wonder, would you have been able to go through with telling me the truth?” She wouldn’t look at me, her eyes focused on the floor.
“I would have,” I promised.
“But I’ll never know now,” she whispered, lifting her eyes to mine and shifting her weight. “I have to go. I have work.”
“Okay.” I released a shaky exhale and moved in front of her. “Can I—will you let me hug you goodbye?”
“Yeah,” she choked out, her eyes filling with tears.
I crushed her to my chest, wrapping my arms around her waist and holding her as tightly as I dared. Knowing this was the last time I would feel her body against mine for months, maybe ever.
“I can call you, right?” I needed to know if she was going to open up that line of communication with me, give me something. She shifted, hesitating for a moment before nodding.
“Yeah,” she whispered, stepping away from me. “Be safe.”
“Yeah, I will. You too.”
After she left, I played the conversation over and over in my head, wondering if I could have said something different, if I could have given her more reassurance, but the static in my brain kept everything out of focus.
When it was time to board the plane, even with all the promises and opportunities she’d given me, the moment the door sealed shut, every cell in my body screamed to run back to her, to stay with her, to never leave her side. I sat heavily in my seat and pulled out the new journal I’d bought the day before. She’d read so much of the bad, so many horrible and shitty thoughts. It was time to change that.
It was time to show her exactly what I thought and how I felt about her, about us, about our future together.
Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past. ~Tyron Brennans
Skylar
June 14, 2016
“Hey, Brennan,” I said, my voice strained.
“Skylar, hey. Is everything okay?”
No, I thought, the bitter taste in my mouth coated with melancholy. I was trying. I was going to do my best to put the bullshit behind me. Whether or not I succeeded remained to be seen. “Happy birthday.” Even I could hear the fakeness behind my forced enthusiasm.
“Thank you.” His words were breathless and barely above a whisper. It reminded me of when he’d call late at night and drop his voice so low it almost felt like a dream. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine him next to me, his warm breath fanning over my skin and sinking below the surface. I clenched my jaw when I felt the familiar sting of tears. I’d never cried over someone so much in my life. Not even when I thought my father was going to die. The realization made me burn with resentment.
“Are you doing anything fun tonight?” Don’t be bitter, don’t be bitter, I chanted. It was his birthday.
He let out a low laugh, and it caused goose bumps to spread across my skin. “Nah. I’ve only been here a week, and I feel like my ass has been through a meat grinder. I just want to sleep.”
“Have you had a chance to meet anyone?” Don’t be bitter, I said again, hoping my words would eventually crash through the wall of anger surrounding the hole in my chest.
“I’ve met a few people,” he said, his voice nonchalant. I ground my teeth together, but before I could think of a reason to hang up, he said exactly what I wanted to hear, as much as I hated myself for it.
“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he whispered. “You’d think being so far away would make me forget what you smell like, or the way your eyes sparkle when you’re up to no good, but I swear to God, it’s only made it worse. I miss you so much. I know you’re not ready to hear this, but I feel like I need to take every opportunity I have to tell you. I feel like a part of me is missing. Neither time nor distance will change that. It just reaffirms what I already know.”
“And what’s that?” I blinked back tears and focused on my breathing. Keep your shit together, Skylar.
“That what we have is real, and nothing can fuck that up. Not even me.”
I swallowed and wiped under my eyes. I was wrong. I couldn’t deal with this yet. “I should go.”
“I know.”
“Happy birthday, Brennan.”
“Thanks, Sky.”
I ended the call and dropped the phone onto the bed. I clenched my hair, and I folded my body in half as a scream of frustration tore from my throat. Fuck him for being so horrible and perfect. Fuck him for making me feel like the most precious thing in the world at the bottom of a landfill. Fuck him for breaking my heart.
July 2016
“How’s the job search going?” Rachel asked, popping a fry into her mouth.
I groaned and took a sip of my water. “Awful. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve sent resumes to every place on the planet.”
Rachel made a sympathetic face before her lips curved into a sly grin. “Are you sure about that?”
I shook my head. “Not funny.” I knew exactly where the conversation was going. Rachel was the sibling I never wanted. I hated how she sniffed out my bullshit like a bloodhound.
“If I had to guess,” she said with a grin, “I’m pretty sure you didn’t call any of those links I sent you.”
I rolled my eyes. Rachel thought it was hilarious to send me the most remote job openings she could find. The last one was studying a new fish species in Antarctica. Antarctica. I grew up in Texas. Seattle was all the extreme cold weather I could handle. There was no way I could deal with sub-zero temperatures for any period of time. I’d rather scrape gum off the bottom of desks at the local school than freeze my ass off.
“You’re impossible.” It was the only response I could come up with. Rachel laughed. I loved her laugh. It was warm and genuine and a little too loud. It reminded me of road trips with her, Drew, and Brennan. I dropped my eyes to the table, and my good mood slipped. It was the only drawback to our friendship. She reminded me of him. I knew she had nothing to do with what had happened, had no knowledge of it, but she was a reminder of what I’d had and lost.
“Don’t be mad at me,” she whispered, her tone indicating one of her rare moments of gentleness. “I was just messing with you.”
“It’s okay. I just have a hard time separating what is and what was.”
“I know it feels different, but the same people who loved you before love you now. Don’t forget that.”
God, when she put it that way, it was so easy. It took away the gray area. Love was love, and that was that. But that took away the betrayal, the pain, the anger. And I couldn’t let that go. “It’s hard to see it that way.”
Rachel shrugged. “You’ll figure it out. In the meantime, are you ready for your trip to Austin?”
I released a heavy breath. Rachel was very good at changing the subject. It was yet another thing I loved about her. “Yeah. We leave in the morning. I’m looking forward to getting away for a long weekend.” When Grace first suggested we go visit our
moms in Austin, I balked. What was the point in running from one bad memory to another? But after I gave it more thought, I realized how much I missed my mom and aunt. It also didn’t hurt that school was out and hopefully most of the people had gone home for the summer.
“It’ll do you good. Maybe after being in the sweltering heat for a few days, you’ll appreciate my Antarctica suggestion a little more.”
I tossed my fry at her and stuck out my tongue like the adult I was.
The flight to Austin was uneventful, and by lunch, Grace and I were sitting on the back deck of my aunt’s house, sipping margaritas and wondering how we’d forgotten the miserable high-humidity heat in Texas.
“You girls act like you’re on the equator,” my aunt Gina said, rolling her eyes.
“At least they’re not petitioning for outside air conditioning or some other ridiculous thing,” my mom countered. Before I could come up with a witty response, my phone pinged. I peeked at the screen, letting out a low sigh before setting it facedown on the table. Grace looked at me with a raised brow, and I shook my head.
Yes, it was from Brennan. No, I didn’t want to talk about it. The plan was to get out of my head and away from all thoughts of Seattle and Brennan. It would be difficult if he continued to email and text, but the truth was, no matter how badly I wanted to, I couldn’t make myself turn off the alerts.
“You two realize you weren’t the least bit subtle just then, right?” my mom asked, her gaze bouncing between Grace and me.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumbled. I really didn’t. Did I? No. Definitely not.