by Hilary Boyd
She nodded, ‘I know what you’re saying, of course I do. But what about you and me?’ She looked hard at her son. ‘I want you in my life, Daniel. I want to know you. It’s as simple as that.’
‘Thanks, Annie,’ Daniel replied tiredly. ‘And thanks for coming. That means everything to me.’ He looked at his watch in a determined way. ‘Listen, I’ve got to get back. There’s a party … last night knees-up.’ He wiped his hands across his face. ‘Strange to think it’s over. So much work and only three performances.’
‘You must be so proud of it.’
He nodded, his frown lifting. ‘I am. Gillen did such a great job. He’s a major talent.’
‘As are you. Will you come back to London now?’
He hesitated. ‘Not sure. There’s something else I haven’t told you, Annie. Gillen and I, we’re together … have been since the spring. It sort of built as we worked on the play together. But he’s Scottish, he lives up here, so we haven’t seen much of each other. He was coming back and forth when I had the flat, but now we’re thinking we might stay in Edinburgh, find a place together. And it could be easier to get the next project off the ground up here.’
Annie tried not to show her disappointment. ‘It’s a long way.’
‘I’ll be down a lot. Stoke Newington beckons!’
‘I’d say come to ours when you’re down, but perhaps we should leave that plan on ice for the moment.’ They both laughed.
‘Yeah … not falling into that trap again in a hurry.’
‘I’m sorry it …’
He held up his hand. ‘Stop! No more apologies, no more recriminations. Let’s just take it slowly. See each other when we can, not make any plans.’
Which is what I should have done from the start, she thought.
‘As long as we do see each other. I’m not going to beg, but please don’t disappear on me again.’
He smiled apologetically. ‘OK, that wasn’t very grownup. Gillen told me so in no uncertain terms, but I had my stupid pride.’
‘We said no more apologies.’ She got up. Daniel put down the empty beer bottle he’d been cradling like a comfort blanket during their talk, and stood up too.
‘OK, but just one more. I’m so sorry about your mother. I should have called you. Are you alright? … Stupid question.’
‘I haven’t been, but it’s getting better, I suppose. Never easy, as you know, when you lose your mother – whatever the relationship. But she was in her eighties …’ She kept saying that to people, to show that she was OK about it, but in fact she couldn’t see what difference it made, her mother being old.
He nodded and leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek. ‘Thank you for coming all this way, Annie,’ he repeated. ‘I’d been falling apart over the Emma thing, not knowing what to do about you.’
‘Even if you stay in Edinburgh, you’ll keep in touch with me? Promise?’ she asked.
‘Scout’s honour,’ he replied, holding up three fingers as if taking an oath. And she had to believe him.
‘And your father – Charles – just to say that if you choose to see him again, it’ll have to be without me being involved.’
Daniel looked puzzled and was just about to say something, but she hurried on. ‘Nothing sinister … I just think it’s best if you both have your own relationship now.’ She knew that she couldn’t use Daniel as an excuse to see Charles again.
‘OK …’ He was looking at her closely but she bent her head, digging in her bag for her mobile and scrolling through the contacts.
‘I’ll text it to you … Charles’s number.’
‘Thanks.’
They said goodbye, and as she walked up to her room she hoped Daniel would keep in touch with Charles, even if he would never meet her mother now. Eleanor had chosen not to see the baby, and now she would have no chance to know the man.
The train home the next morning was dreary, the journey soporific. She dozed on and off, only to wake to more rain-soaked fields and grey northern towns. She was longing to ring Daniel, but she didn’t want to hassle him. I just have to trust I’ve done enough. But she knew she would have few chances to see him if he stayed in Scotland. And suddenly her life seemed very empty. Her mother, she now realised, had been a massive presence. As she rattled down the east coast, there were things she knew she would have relayed to Eleanor: things about Daniel, Edinburgh, the play. Would she have mentioned he was gay? Yes, definitely. After the way her mother had denied Uncle Terence’s homosexuality, however, she could imagine the chilly response she’d have received.
Her phone rang and she grabbed it eagerly, hoping it was Daniel. It was Charles. They’d only spoken once, briefly, since her mother’s death. He’d wanted to get together, she had refused.
‘I’m on a train,’ she warned him. ‘We might lose connection.’
‘How are you?’ he asked.
‘I’m alright. You?’
‘Oh, you know. Louisa’s back tomorrow. Dreading it. How did it go with your mother’s funeral?’
‘Not sure I remember much about it. But OK, I guess.’
She told him about Daniel. He didn’t seem particularly surprised or even interested that Daniel was gay.
‘Credit to you, Annie, you’re a stayer, going all that way just to say you care. Hope Daniel appreciates it.’
‘That’s not why I did it. My motives were entirely selfish!’
‘Maybe, but selfish in a good way. Annie, before I lose you to a tunnel, I want to say something. I can’t get what happened between us out of my head. I know we were both stressed out by stuff that day, and the wine probably didn’t help, but you can’t deny there was something there. I don’t know … it just felt right to me.’
Her heart sank. ‘No, Charles, no. It felt good in the moment, I won’t deny that. But not right. It wasn’t right.’
‘Well, OK. Not right in the moral sense perhaps, but I haven’t felt that desire for anyone for so long.’
‘That’s such a man thing to say!’ She exclaimed. ‘Of course you haven’t. You’ve been married for twenty-five years. You can’t live on the edge of that sort of desire for someone you see every day in washing-up gloves and the like, it wouldn’t be human.’
She heard him sigh. ‘OK, fair enough. But I wanted you to know that for me it was real.’
‘Get a grip, Charles.’
He laughed. ‘Maybe it’s the masochist in me. Maybe the fact that you’re always so rude to me is a turn-on! I shall get a whip.’
‘I said “grip”, not “whip”,’ she replied, beginning to giggle. At that point, mercifully, the train went into a tunnel and the connection was lost before Charles could reply. As she gazed out at the blackened brick walls and saw only her own reflection staring back, she understood how dangerously seductive his ability to make her laugh was. Taking nothing seriously, including himself, he was the antithesis of her husband’s probity. And when things had been so complicated at home, she’d found she enjoyed it more than she should. Is that what drove Richard into the arms of the Belgian? A bit of giggling over a few glasses of good wine? She was still angry with him. She knew she had to come to terms with what he had done, considering Charles, but however much she tried not to picture it, she was still devastated by the thought of her own husband having sex with another woman. How would they be able to trust each other in the future?
21
‘Mike, hi.’ Marsha walked through the door held open by her brother’s flatmate. ‘Sorry, I know it’s early …’
Mike looked wasted, but that was nothing new. She wasn’t sure if he’d just got up or never been to bed, because his stained sweatpants, black vest and patchy stubble were pretty much the only way she’d ever seen him.
He grunted, checking his mobile, which he clutched in one hand. ‘Ten thirty.… not so early. Um, the others aren’t up yet. Do you want tea or something? I’ve just put the kettle on.’
She shook her head.
‘I can wake them if you like?’
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br /> ‘Thanks.’ She sat down on the sofa. She could hardly contain her fury.
Ed emerged first. ‘Sis? What are you doing here? What’s up?’ He sat down in the only armchair and stared bleary-eyed at her.
‘I need to talk to you … both.’
Ed glanced towards the bedroom. ‘She’ll be up in a minute. She’s awake.’
‘Good.’
‘You look totally hacked off. Something happened? Tell me …’
‘I’ll wait till Emma’s here.’
Ed pulled a face, glancing warily at her. ‘OK. I’ll just get some coffee going. Want some?’
She shook her head, watching him pad through to the kitchen in his T-shirt and tracksuit bottoms. What will this do to him? She didn’t want her brother hurt, but she wasn’t going to let Emma get away with it for a minute longer. If they split up as a consequence, wasn’t that better in the long run for Ed? She was sick and tired of making excuses for her friend. Ever since she could remember, she had let Emma off the hook every bloody time. Because it was generally accepted that Emms was Emms and couldn’t really help behaving badly. But was that really true?
Emma finally appeared from the bedroom wearing one of Ed’s sweatshirts and a pair of faded pink pyjama bottoms. Even in her dishevelled state, with her hair tousled and her dark eyes rimmed with smudged mascara, she still looked unreasonably beautiful. This was the first time Marsha had spoken to her since their row. When she saw her, Emma didn’t flinch, just raised an eyebrow slightly before sitting in the chair her boyfriend had just vacated and rubbing one eye with the back of her hand.
‘Hi.’
‘Hi.’
Ed popped his head round the kitchen door. ‘Coffee, Emms?’
She nodded. ‘Please.’
Marsha waited, not looking at Emma, until her brother was back in the room, carrying two mugs. Emma scrunched around, drawing her legs up under her and hiding her hands in her sleeves in a childlike gesture very familiar to Marsha. She is still a child, she couldn’t help thinking, and was annoyed that the thought slightly diminished her anger.
‘OK …’ She drew in her breath, let it out slowly. ‘I talked to Mum last night. She’s just back from Edinburgh, seeing Daniel’s play.’ She paused.
‘Brilliant, I’m sure,’ Ed muttered, a slightly sneering edge to his tone.
‘Don’t know, Mum didn’t say. But that’s not the interesting part of her trip. The interesting part, the truly fascinating part, is that Daniel told her he’s gay.’
There was a stunned silence. Emma dropped her head, wouldn’t look at either of them.
‘Gay?’ Ed looked bewildered. ‘Did she believe him?’
Marsha nodded. ‘Well, yes, she did, especially seeing as he introduced her to his partner – the man he’s just about to set up house with.’
Ed looked at his girlfriend. ‘Emms?’
When she finally met his gaze, she looked, if anything, defiant, not contrite, as Marsha had expected.
‘So what?’ she shot at Ed. ‘Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he didn’t attack me.’
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Emma!’ Marsha exploded. ‘Stop it, will you? Just drop the act.’
Emma glared at her. ‘Great friend you turned out to be. Daniel’s clever, he’s just conned your poor mum … all of you, with his smooth talk and his Oxbridge blah.’
‘Emma –’ Ed’s voice was very low and Marsha’s heart went out to him ‘– please. It seems pretty unlikely that a gay guy in a relationship would come onto a girl …’
Emma began to cry. ‘Go on,’ she sobbed, ‘take Daniel’s side.’ She blinked her tear-filled lashes at him. ‘What can I do? If you think I’m capable of lying like that, you should dump me, never speak to me again, babe, because it would be a terrible thing to do.’
Marsha looked at Ed and saw the uncertainty in his eyes, and the love. Good job, Emma!
‘Don’t say that,’ he whispered.
‘Well, it’s horrible, you all suspecting me when I’m the victim in all this.’
‘Now you know how Daniel felt,’ Marsha snapped.
Emma’s look was pained. ‘I don’t understand why you’re being so vile, Mash. We’re best friends … at least we were. You should be on my side.’ She took a theatrical breath. ‘Ed says you’re jealous. You had the hots for Daniel when you met him at that party, and he chose me. You can’t bear that, can you?’
Bitch! She shot a glance at her brother, who looked immediately sheepish. Obviously they’d been finding every reason under the sun in the time since the party to blame anyone but Emma for the debacle.
‘None of what you’ve just said changes the fact that Daniel is in a committed relationship with a man,’ she said, tight-lipped. ‘Can’t you see what you’re doing? You’re being so bloody selfish. Mum’s been really upset, and it’s still causing problems between her and Ed.’
‘I’m sorry about your mum,’ Emma’s voice began to rise in a crescendo of self-pity. ‘But it isn’t my fault. They weren’t speaking before all this happened. And what was I supposed to do? Let him attack me and say nothing, just because it would cause problems in the family? Why should he get away with it?’ She slid deeper into the chair, her arms crossed defensively round her body, her head bowed.
Marsha let out a long sigh. She found it almost impossible to imagine being friends with Emma, sharing a flat, while this huge lie hung between them.
‘So you’re sticking to your story?’
‘Mash, it doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t do it …’ Marsha could see the agony of doubt in her brother’s eyes as he slouched awkwardly against the wall behind his girlfriend, cradling a cup of coffee in both hands. ‘He could be bi …’
‘Yeah … yeah, of course he could be bi,’ She hated the sarcasm in her own voice. ‘But he’s not, Ed. He’s not fucking bisexual, is he? He’s GAY!’ She turned back to Emma. ‘See what you’re doing? You’re making a total fool of this guy –’ she indicated her brother ‘– who’s stood by you through thick and thin, believing every lying word that comes out of your mouth. Do you think that’s right?’
No one spoke. Emma was sobbing quietly. One more go, Marsha thought, taking a deep breath. Just one more attempt to make her see sense.
‘Emma, look at me.’
Emma didn’t respond, her head buried firmly in the arm of the chair.
‘Emma!’
Finally she raised her face, pale and wet with tears. ‘Leave me alone, will you?
‘I’ll leave you alone when you tell me the truth. This is me you’re talking to, Emma. Don’t forget, I know you through and through. And I know for an absolute fact that you’re lying right now.’
Emma didn’t reply, just gave her a hostile stare.
‘Please.’ Marsha’s tone softened. ‘Please don’t drag this out any longer, Emms. It’s not fair on any of us.’
‘I think you’ve said enough,’ Ed told her, moving purposefully to sit on the arm of Emma’s chair. He wouldn’t meet her eye as he stroked his girlfriend’s dark hair, and Marsha didn’t know what to think. Was he prepared to take her word against all reasoning? Was he that besotted?
She got up, finally admitting defeat. ‘I’m out of here.’ As she gathered her jacket in silence, Emma suddenly spoke. Her voice was small and she didn’t look at either of them, fiddling with the edge of her sleeve as she spoke.
‘OK … listen. Maybe it wasn’t quite how I said …’
Marsha held her breath.
‘I don’t know … I was drunk and I fell asleep, and … well, I woke up and Daniel was there and he was trying to get me up off the sofa, and, well …’ Emma fell silent, still mashing the cuff of her sleeve between her fingers.
‘And well what?’ Ed sounded cautious, as if he were trying to make sense of what he was hearing. Marsha felt a terrible pity for him.
She watched as Emma gazed up at him. Her face no longer held any trace of the previous defiance. ‘And, I don’t know … I suppose in my
drunken state I thought he was coming on to me, and I was half-asleep and I sort of …’
‘Kissed him.’ Ed wasn’t asking, and Emma nodded miserably.
Marsha felt sorry for both of them. She didn’t want to be there any longer. She didn’t want to witness her brother’s humiliation.
‘And he didn’t … you know … he didn’t do anything except push me away and hold me off.’ She paused, dropping her head again. ‘And I was angry, I suppose.’
Marsha saw the small shrug. The indulgence of beauty, she thought, must be so corrupting to the beautiful.
‘And then I freaked that Daniel’d tell you all what I’d done … and you were ill …’ Emma was saying.
‘And I believed you …’ Ed said slowly.
‘I’m sorry, babe, I’m so sorry …’ Emma muttered. ‘I wished I’d never said anything almost as soon as I’d said it. But then you jumped on Daniel, and it got so horrible and I felt trapped. I just didn’t know how to tell you.’
Ed turned away and went and threw himself on the sofa.
Emma looked up at Marsha now. ‘I’m so sorry, Mash, I didn’t think … your mum and the whole Daniel thing; it’s been so difficult knowing I’m to blame.’
Marsha didn’t know what to say. She thought back to Emma’s distress – clearly real enough, but with a different cause – on the morning after the party. Then the subsequent tearful accusations. She felt almost in awe of her friend’s performance. It was a terrible thing to do to anyone, but there was no point in telling Emma this now. She knew.
‘Listen, I think I’ll get going,’ she muttered. But neither Ed nor Emma responded to her as she made her way out of the flat with relief, leaving the ominous silence behind her.
Annie lay in bed that night, her eyes burning with tiredness, but determined to stay awake till Richard got home. He had told her he’d be late – it was the final day of the deal and there was to be a get-together to celebrate. But Annie couldn’t relax. Would she be there? He’d said it had just been one night, but wasn’t he bound to say that? Her friend Helen, who lived in Cumbria, had an unfaithful husband. When she learnt about the other woman, he’d sworn blind that it was over, and she believed him. In fact he never gave her up for a second.