by C. B. Stagg
“Julian?” Donna knelt beside him, eye to eye. I’d always admired how she talked to him and asked questions, knowing she’d get no answer. She treated him like any other little boy, not with kid gloves, and I respected her for that. “How are you?”
“I-I-I’m ok-kay, t-too.”
As he spoke, he yanked on Vaughn’s hand. She sat down on the ground, with Julian plopping himself right down in her lap. My jaw hung open, disbelieving what was happening right before my eyes. Julian was talking, using words to communicate. Vaughn’s wide eyes met mine and a smile played across her lips. She slowly wrapped her arms around Julian’s little shoulders and buried her nose in his wild mass of hair.
“Julian and I have decided that we need to wear football helmets and shoulder pads to the next game, isn’t that right?” She peered over his shoulder to look at him, just as he smiled his big snaggle-toothed grin. She held him even tighter and looked up at me with those eyes of hers that gave me a glimpse into that beautiful heart she possessed. Everything about Vaughn’s face told me there was no place she’d rather be at that moment.
After a few more minutes of small talk, and a promise from Vaughn to call Donna later, we packed up and headed back out the way we came. I couldn’t wait to get Vaughn alone so we could talk about her life, something we’d never really done before. She was such a mystery. I wanted to know everything about her: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
We arrived at Grub, a fantastic burger bar just down the road from the university, famous for their half-pound burgers and hand-spun shakes. Beating the crowd, we ordered at the counter and grabbed a table in the bar area. From what I could tell, Vaughn had an aversion to large crowds and I wanted privacy anyway. So we sat as far away as we could from the throngs of students and locals who would be showing up soon. It was only as she sat down that I noticed the tear tracks on her face and it tore me up inside.
“Hey… ” I smoothed my hand over her hair and guided her chin to look up at me as I stood beside her. “Are you still in pain from the ball?” While it did look like a pretty hard hit, I couldn’t imagine it doing any lasting damage.
She shook her head, quickly swiping her fingers under her eyes. “No, I’m fine, I just couldn’t breathe there for a minute, and that scared me.” She paused, lost in thought before adding, “It scared Julian too. He told me.”
As she spoke those words, her goofy grin made her look like a kid in a candy store. I sat down on my side of the booth and looked across the table at the most incredible person I’d ever known. “Do you realize you cracked a code Donna and I, along with a dozen or so teachers, could never figure out?” I paused, before adding, “You’re a miracle worker.”
That garnered one of the award-winning smiles I was becoming addicted to. “'The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched; they must be felt with the heart.’ Helen Keller said that and now I understand exactly what she meant.” I watched as she blinked away the unshed tears that had formed in her eyes, trying to gain control of her emotions. “From the moment I saw him, I felt that boy. In my heart.”
“Vaughn, you changed his life today.” It was true, she had. “Helen Keller also said, ‘Alone, we can do so little; together we can do so much.’ I think he felt you in his heart as well.” I still couldn’t quite grasp what happened and wished for a way to rewind life, to witness it again, this time knowing to pay more attention.
I listened with rapt fascination as she gave me a play-by-play of her conversation with Julian, all the while wondering what I’d done so right to deserve spending time with such a remarkable girl.
“You know,” she said as she played with the straw wrapper on the table. “Julian is such a great kid with this… beautifully broken soul. I wish… ” She paused to gather her thoughts. “I mean, I hope he finds a family that loves him… ” as much as I do.
She didn’t say that last part, but I read it on her face.
When our food was delivered, we switched topics, and I launched into the history of me. “Let’s see… It all started when my mom and dad got married outside the JP office soon after coming to college at Texas A&M. They met when they both started working for a new company that had just come to town.”
“So, did you go to A&M because your parents did?”
“Well, my mother, father, and grandfather did, so I never really considered another school. My brother graduated a year and a half after I did. I’m sure my other brother will too, but he has to get through high school first.”
“Tell me more about your brothers.”
“Well, I am the oldest of three boys, the Clark Boys as we were known, though it was usually phrased something like ‘What are those Clark Boys getting into now?’ or ‘Oh Lord, here come those Clark Boys again!’” She giggled, and I imagined she was picturing me wrapping houses and forking yards. Because we’d done all that. And a whole lot more, but I had no intention of going into the specifics.
“We never did anything too terrible, just wreaked havoc in the neighborhood all day. I usually spent my summers with Becky and our other friend Jase… fishing, catching frogs, playing baseball, swimming in the creek. But the day usually ended at sunset when my mom rang the big, brass bell on our front porch. That was the universal signal for everyone to get their butts home, not just us Clark Boys.” Vaughn’s face mirrored the goofy smile on my face.
“I’ve actually met Jase a few times. Really tall? Red hair like mine?” She gestured by grabbing a lock of her thick curly hair.
“Yep, that’s him. Where did you run into him? He’s usually at his law office.”
“Oh… ” She started to blush. “I met him in Becky’s office. I dropped by unannounced, and when Becky opened the door, it was almost like I’d interrupted something… if you know what I mean.”
“Hmm… ” I did find it quite interesting that the two of them continued to live together when each could afford their own place. And I’d never, in my life, seen or heard of them dating.
“Sorry… I really shouldn’t have said anything.” Vaughn sounded guilty, but I waved it away with my hand.
“Your gossip is safe with me.” I winked at her. “Let’s see, where was I? Oh yeah, after me, thirteen months later, my brother Christian was born, and then—surprise—my brother Curtis came screaming into the world fourteen years later.”
She gasped. “Wow! That’s quite a spread! I always pictured myself having kids closer in age.”
The incredibly vivid image of Vaughn as a mother lit my insides on fire. “So, you can see yourself having a baby or two… someday?” The soft, dreamy look on Vaughn’s face when I mentioned a baby was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen.
“Yeah, I guess it’s always been in the back of my mind, but… never mind, just get back to telling me about the infamous Clark Boys.” Deflected, just like that.
I shared a few more stories, like catching frogs in the creek behind our house. And the time I ran my brother over with a golf cart, then paid him not to tell our mom. I even told her about the whole underage drinking before a Houston Rodeo concert stunt, where I was taken to a holding room by the cops until my dad could drive in to get me. Yeah, not fun then, but funny as hell now.
“So, that’s me in a nutshell. Now, tell me about you.”
13-Vaughn
“YOU KNOW, I THINK I bonded with Julian because I was a foster kid, too.”
It was Casey’s turn to gasp. I took a few more deep breaths, trying to muster up the courage to say what I needed to say. Meeting his eyes, I knew he could tell I was struggling. All humor from the last few minutes was gone, and his face was serious—but still soft and warm. Leaning forward, he reached for both of my hands across the table and brushed his lips across my knuckles. He was willing me the courage to go on, so I did.
“My mother and father had an affair. I think I was supposed to be a pregnancy trap, but it didn’t work… obviously. By the time I was born, their affair was over and my father had filed a re
straining order against my mother, signing away his parental rights.”
I started with my earliest memories, offering bits and pieces of my life, glossing over the worst. He listened to every word I said, processing the sad facts that made me who I was. But when I got to my mom’s death, he stopped me and started asking questions.
“So, was your mother’s death an accident or did she commit suicide?”
“I don’t know for sure,” I answered honestly, “but I think she’d been killing herself slowly for years, and that just happened to be the day it finally worked.”
“And what about your dad? Surely, once your mom died, he stepped up, right?”
Talking about this was much harder than he could imagine, but he wanted to get to know me, and this non-date business was my own doing. “Yes and no. As soon as I found my mom’s body, I called 911, then left a voicemail for Mr. Preston. I was whisked away, taken to a government building to answer questions about my mom and about any immediate family that should be notified.”
Of course, there was nobody.
“I was in shock. I felt nothing. I was a machine, spouting out rote answers to their meaningless questions. I wasn’t hot. I wasn’t cold. I wasn’t energetic. I wasn’t tired. I just was. I saw it as a change in my reality. Not for better and not for worse. Just a change.”
“My mom had been a drunk and a miserable person, but she always covered the basics. She took me to the doctor for check-ups and to the dentist twice a year. She took me shopping each season for clothes, though nothing extravagant. When I was about twelve, she just started sending me into clothing stores with money while she waited in the car. She even ordered pizza for me when I was home on break, though I imagine that was as much for her convenience rather than my enjoyment. It wasn’t much, but it was all I knew, and I imagined all the other girls I’d gone to school with had lives similar to mine. To me, that was normal. She was a normal mom. Once she died, I figured my life would go unchanged. I knew I’d survive motherless. I practically had for sixteen years.”
Casey sat silently through all of this. He was very hard to read. I wondered if he pitied me or would treat me any differently, now that he knew the truth. I didn’t want or need any more pity in my life.
“What are you thinking?”
“I’ve just never heard a story like yours.” He leaned back in the booth and exhaled, puffing out his cheeks as he blew across the table. “I’m wondering how you’re so… normal.”
Clearly, he didn’t know me.
“Hearing the words coming out of your mouth rips my guts out, but you’re talking like it’s a recap of some Lifetime movie you happened upon while folding laundry last night. How are you not more affected by this?”
Seriously? I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he wasn’t trying to sound like a grade A asshole, but for some reason, his comment got my hackles up.
“What makes you think I wasn’t affected by any of this? My father completely abandoned me at birth. My mother treated me like yesterday’s gossip, neglected and practically forgotten. Then she may or may not have killed herself, thinking death was preferable to parenting me. At sixteen, I was moved to four different foster families in three months. That was before my father’s attorney found a children’s ranch in North Texas that housed ‘wards of the state’ and paid a pretty sum to get me in. So yes, I guess you could say my father ‘stepped up,’ but only to pay out the nose for some old couple—complete strangers I might add—to ‘raise’ me along with three cabins full of ‘orphaned’ girls of various ages and backgrounds.”
I gulped air like water, trying to grasp onto any shred of control I had left, but I felt the tears start their race down my face. “So, did my dad step up? Financially, yes, but as a parent? No way. He kept me hidden away like a porn addiction so he didn’t have to lay eyes on me. He’s never laid eyes on me. I don’t even know his name!”
Cue ugly cry in 3-2-1…
Casey appeared beside me, moving from his side of the booth to mine and scooted in tight. His massive body pinned me in, shielding me from prying eyes as he wrapped his arms around me fiercely and held my head to his chest. I could hear his heart pounding and the sound brought me comfort like nothing ever had before.
I could count the number of times I’d cried on one hand before I met Casey. Now, my face felt foreign without rivulets running from my eyes. I couldn’t imagine what he must think of me.
His lips rested on top of my head for a long time before he spoke. “Have you ever been truly loved, sweet girl?” So soft, so gentle… if not for having my ear pressed against his chest, it may have gone unnoticed.
If he’d asked me that same question just a month ago, the answer would have been simple. But in the last few weeks, things had suddenly become more complicated. Had I ever been truly loved by someone? That I didn’t know. But if he’d asked me if I’d ever truly been in love, my answer would have been simple—yes.
14-Casey
IT WAS ABUSE.
Not the physical kind that leaves you with broken bones and bruises on your face. No, the emotional kind that leaves you with a broken soul and bruises on your heart. For her entire childhood, Vaughn had been made to feel worthless and insignificant. Like Julian. So very much like Julian. Their bond makes sense now.
I wanted to gather them both in my arms and take them away from the cruel, heartless world in which they’d existed. I wanted to take their pain on as my own, and in exchange, I’d gladly fill their heads and hearts with the memories of my childhood and the love of my parents. I meant what I’d told her that morning: I could be a superhero.
I could be their superhero.
After a few more minutes of comforting Vaughn, I felt her body relax. I could tell then that she was ready to not just hear me, but to truly comprehend my words.
“Hey… “ I ran my hands up and down her arms, feeling goosebumps rise at my touch. “You have me now, babe. You will never have to do life alone again because I’m not going anywhere. Ever.” I’d never meant anything more in my life.
She looked up at me and smiled. Sighing, I tightened my hold on her just a bit. I needed reassurance that she would be okay like I needed my next breath.
In an attempt to lighten the mood, I released her and asked, “So, what are your thoughts on potato chips and ice cream?”
With hand-spun shakes in hand, we headed out into the sunshine. The mood had shifted once again, now matching the beautiful Texas afternoon. I dreaded taking her home, but I knew she had to study. I was also hoping to purchase some furniture and other necessities before the weekend was over.
Walking Vaughn to her apartment door was nerve-racking. We’d run the gamut of emotions in the last twenty-four hours. I wasn’t sure Miss Manners herself would know the appropriate way to say goodbye to a girl I hardly knew, yet cared for so strongly. So I opted for kissing the palms of her hands and then kissing her cheek before pulling her into my arms.
“I’m right across the street. See?” I pointed. “That’s my window right there. If you need anything, and I mean ANYTHING, I can be here in forty-five seconds. Just call me, okay?”
Her nod was barely perceptible; I felt it more than saw it. When I pulled away I saw how her eyes drooped. This day had been an emotional roller coaster, and she needed a break. I waited until I heard the click of the lock before I walked away. More than anything, I wanted to turn back and spend the day showing her just how valuable she really was.
Instead, I spent the next several hours in absolute hell. Because hell, to me, is shopping for furniture and domestic necessities. I’d never stocked a house before. And it felt like I was in a foreign country. What the hell is a duvet?
I’d been unpacking towels, sheets, and pillowcases, readying them for the laundry, when I heard someone knocking. It was Becky, who’d been inexplicably unavailable every time I called over the last two weeks. I guess Jase let her know that I’d finally signed the lease and moved in—if you could call it th
at.
“Hey, look at you. Getting all set up in your new bachelor pad, huh?” she sang as she waltzed through the apartment, walking right in. She nosed through bags and boxes, before finding the kitchen items I’d just bought. She then proceeded to start transferring my new pots, pans, and dishes from their tightly sealed packages into the dishwasher like she owned the place. Looking around, she clicked her tongue and said, “I bet you forgot silverware. You should’ve taken me shopping with you.”
“Yeah, kinda like you forgot to return my forty-two calls over the last couple of weeks?” I paused, hands on my hips, trying to figure out how I wanted this to play out. I decided to keep it light. “Bec, what’s up? Isn’t it customary to call someone before just popping in?”
Becky was one of my best friends, but sometimes she mothered me, teetering on this craggy line between loving and obtrusive. But she was married to her job, and I often joked that she’d grow old and die alone. Only we’d never know because her thirty-seven cats will have eaten her remains. She really needed to get a life—or a boyfriend—but based on my conversation with Vaughn earlier, I was starting to wonder if she’d had one all along.
She paused her dishwasher loading to set her laser eyes on me. “I think we’re beyond that, don’t you?” She had a point. We’d been roommates our first year of college and she’d seen me at my worst. “So, how ya doin’? How’s single life treatin’ ya?”
I joined her in the kitchen and started unpacking things into the pantry, trying to decide how to even begin. “Things are actually going well, thanks for asking.”
“I just came over because I thought you’d be lonely all by yourself in this empty apartment.”