by C. B. Stagg
“Oh, hey, don’t cry… ” It was so awkward, listening to Dr. Kim’s almost monotone words meant to comfort. “It’ll grow back, maybe even thicker than before.”
Dr. Kim had next to no bedside manner, and that’s why I liked her. She made up for Dr. May’s saccharin sweet disposition in spades.
“Can I come in?” She signaled to the chair between my bed and the doorway she was standing in. Not waiting for permission, she closed the door behind her and plopped down, kicking off her shoes somewhere along the way. She spent a lot of her free time with me, watching TV mostly. We didn’t talk much. It was the perfect partnership.
“You wanna talk about it?”
Usually, she was all PICC line, steroids, white blood cell count, blah, blah, blah. Tonight, however, she was normal.
“I don’t even know your name.”
“Just call me Kim. That’s what residents here do to interns. Haven’t you seen Grey’s Anatomy?” She smiled. “Anyway, they can’t be bothered to learn our first AND last names, so this is what we get.”
“Well, Kim, I’m afraid I’d be crappy company tonight.” I blew my nose, exaggerating it just a bit. I might be interested in chatting with her some other night, but at that moment, I wanted to be alone with my memories.
“What’s his name?”
I shook my head, and as I did, more hair fell onto my shoulders, sliding down my chest, landing in my lap. She paused.
“I’ll be right back.” And just like that, she was gone, but true to her word, she came back. Only this time, she came bearing gifts.
“So, you want it all gone, right?” The razor buzzed on and off in her hand as she flicked the switch back and forth, taunting me in a good-natured way very uncharacteristic of her.
“Why the hell not? I don’t know that a comb-over could really mask this problem.” Kim laughed as she started at my occipital bone, working her way forward in smooth, even strokes. Mine was clearly not the first head shaving party she’d hosted.
I had so wanted this act to be cathartic in some way. But clump by clump, as my once beautiful hair rained down around me, I felt myself falling with it into parts unknown. Every pass of the razor took me further and further away from my dreams. Dreams of a life that I’d never allowed myself to hope for, until meeting Casey in the fall. How it was possible to miss something so badly when I’d never actually had it, I’ll never know. But it was a fierce and crippling pain, like a sword to the chest.
When all was said and done, I had no desire to see my hairless head. I didn’t want to be reminded of who or what I’d become. I shook out my gown, but the hair was everywhere. I left Kim to the mess as I went to shower, hoping she’d be gone when I got out.
No such luck.
But while I was standing under the scalding water not washing my hair, Kim managed to have someone completely change my bedding and sweep my floor. Without thinking, I grabbed a towel to dry my hair, but placing it on my bare head reminded me of the night’s events and I felt the hysteria trying to creep back in.
Modesty was no longer a part of my vocabulary. Living in a hospital will do that to a person. I dropped my towel, accepting Kim’s help in maneuvering my IV and PICC lines through the armholes of the pajamas she’d placed at the foot of my bed. Helping me guide the shirt over my head, I heard a small intake of breath, and she paused for a split second before pulling it all the way on and helping me into bed.
“It’s so beautiful,” she said, fingering my hummingbird necklace.
Why I put it back on, I’ll never know. It was like salt in the wound. “Thank you. It was a gift from… from a friend.” I wondered if Casey still considered himself my friend. I wondered if he even thought of me at all.
“It’s stunning, really. Do you know where it was purchased? My mother loves hummingbirds.”
“Actually, he had it custom-made for me, modeled from, um, a piece of artwork?” I took the necklace off so she could look at it more closely. I felt its absence like a missing limb.
“This friend, the one who gave you such a precious gift, he isn’t the same one who makes you cry night after night, is he?“
“It’s kind of hard for me to talk about the man who gave me this necklace. I’d say my tears are the result of a breakup, but we were really never together.”
She sat down on the edge of the bed beside me, handing me the box of tissues, one of many I’d gone through during my stay. “What do you mean?”
“I met this guy, well, man really. I met him through one of my college classes, and I just kind of fell in love with him.” The words tumbled out of my mouth, marbles from a broken bag. “I think he may have loved me, too.”
“Why are you talking about him in the past tense? Did something happen?”
“We were friends, only ever friends. We spent days and nights talking, just getting to know each other.” It was so easy to get lost in the memories. “We were supposed to have our first date the Friday my tumor was discovered.” The tightness in my chest as I spoke of Casey was almost more than I could bear.
“Vaughn, I don’t understand.” Looking around the room, she added, “Why isn’t he here now?” Her once gentle tone was becoming somewhat less gentle. Was she mad at me?
“Because he doesn’t know I’m here.” It embarrassed me once I heard it out loud.
She stood, cocking her head. She lifted one eyebrow, palms up in question. Without waiting for an answer to her unspoken question, she started pacing the room. “So what you’re telling me is that there is a man out there—a man who you love, a man who you’re pretty sure loves you back—and that man is out in this world with no idea you’re in the hospital, fighting for your life? Because that is what you’re doing, Vaughn. You’re fighting for your life. There are no guarantees, even with surgery and aggressive chemo.”
I shook my head in response. My words wouldn’t come.
“Where does he think you are? Studying abroad?”
“He has no idea where I am. I never called him.” I felt my blush creep up my chest, right along with my defenses.
“Why not?” she growled. She’d stopped at the foot of the bed, staring me down, awaiting my answer.
“Why not? It’s really none of your business, but I’ll tell you why not. It’s because I’m not what he wants, not anymore. I’m not the woman of his dreams, and the sooner he realizes that, the sooner he can move on and give his love to someone more deserving!”
And now, the ugly cry.
“I’m broken, Kim. I’m not whole anymore. You know, you were there, you saw what they took from me. They stole my dreams and my future. No man would want this, not now!” I had nothing left in the tank, my fight was gone, but I had more to say. “He’s wonderful. He’s perfect. He deserves so much more than I could ever give him, and I love him enough to see that.”
Tears welled up in her eyes, mimicking mine, as she took my hands in hers.
“I love him enough to let him go, to find the love of his life, and to make a family with her. He deserves the family I can no longer give him.” The word family was like a unicorn to me… it was magical and beautiful. It represented love and hope. But it wasn’t real. It never would be.
When I finished, my body slumped back onto the bed. I watched Kim as she got me situated by moving my watch, Kindle, and other things I may need within reach. When she was ready to leave, she handed me two stylish knitted caps.
I wasn’t sure where they’d come from, but I was thankful. I chose the maroon and white one with a sad smile... Aggie colors, just one more thing that reminded me of home. Walking toward the door, she turned out the lights but looked over her shoulder first.
“For what it’s worth, I feel like you should rethink your decision to shut him out. Cancer is an evil bitch. Every day I stand idly by as cancer rips families to shreds. Those people don’t have a choice, Vaughn, but you do. Don’t let it take control of your life. Both of you deserve happiness.”
22-Casey
THE DRIP, DRIP, DRIP OF
WATER from the wet walls echoed through the cinder block corridors.
Miles and miles of endless corridors surrounded me. Still, I couldn’t find her, couldn’t reach her. Her calls for me, once frantic and frequent, were now sporadic and weak, always just out of reach.
I’d searched for hours, exploring every room and alcove of the concrete maze that held Vaughn captive. The cold, stale air burned my nostrils, and I struggled to keep the shivering at bay.
I stopped, momentarily, leaning against the damp wall to warm my hands when Vaughn’s panicked scream ripped through the halls, echoing off the walls around me. I jumped, determined to be her savior, but where was she? She could be anywhere. The sounds were coming from all directions, encasing me like a cocoon.
There was a time I couldn’t remember my dreams at all. Back then, I slept like the dead. Those days were gone, replaced by visions of Vaughn, scared, in pain, calling for me, needing me. But in all the dreams—in all the scenarios, even when I found her—I never was able to save her.
In the weeks following Vaughn’s disappearance, I found myself adrift in a sea of despair. The weight of unanswered questions threatened to pull me under, but my lifeline amidst this treacherous storm was the hope that Vaughn would indeed return. And when she did, I would be ready to fight with all I had to make her mine again.
In the beginning, I dismissed any feelings of anger, refusing to let bitterness and hostility fester. I didn’t want to taint what Vaughn and I had. I’d planned to wait it out, knowing she’d be back eventually. At the very least, she deserved an opportunity to explain. I knew very well it didn’t matter to me why she left. It only mattered that she’d come back—to me. As the days and weeks passed, with no word at all, my determination to stay positive began to wane.
The pain of Vaughn’s obvious rejection cut me to the quick. So much so that I did the bare minimum to survive, choosing to spend most of my time alone with my memories of her. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t run, I couldn’t even sleep. Her pained face had haunted one too many of my dreams, so I made the decision to leave my sad little matchbox apartment.
I packed up my clothes and toiletries and carried them across the street to Vaughn’s place. I had no plan. I just knew that if I couldn’t be with her, at least I could be around her things. I prayed that sleeping in her bed would scare away the monsters. And it worked, in a way, but the ghost of Vaughn followed me wherever I went.
I jumped, surprised by the sound of my cell ringing and I couldn’t reach it fast enough. I wondered how long I would do that, hoping for Vaughn’s call to tell me all of this was just a colossal misunderstanding. It wasn’t Vaughn, though. It was Kris of all people.
"Where are you? Your truck is here, but you’re not.” The irritation in her voice threw me off, and for a split second, it felt as if we were still married.
I looked out the window, and sure enough, there she was, stomping down the steps that led to my floor. “I’m across the street. I’ll be right there.”
Throwing a hoodie over my thin T-shirt and slipping my feet into my tennis shoes, sans socks, I headed down. Kris spotted me as I stepped off Vaughn’s stoop and stopped, fists balled at her hips. She looked like she’d been eating sour lemons.
I was never a huge fan of 'pissed Kris.'
I stopped in front of her, out of breath from my short jog. I was out of shape and made a mental note to do something about it before Vaughn got back.
“Hey,” I panted. “What brings you to town?”
“Where were you just now?”
She always had been a little hot and cold, but this was downright accusatory. I never pegged Kris as the jealous type.
"Well, hello to you, too.” I leaned in to hug her, an almost automatic reaction when seeing her. She remained stiff, but I pressed on, and she finally relented, hugging me back like old times.
“What brings you here?”
“I wanted to check on you.”
I’d barricaded myself in Vaughn’s apartment, not wanting to deal with life. Becky and Jase had made several attempts to get me out, but I was stubborn. Going out, to me, meant I’d given up on Vaughn coming home, and I wasn’t quite there yet. But seeing a familiar face, even that of my ex-wife, brought me a certain peace, something I sorely needed. I was almost joyous at the company.
“You look like shit.”
That made me laugh. I placed her hand in the crook of my arm and escorted her back across the street. I wasn’t going back into my apartment. My nightmares had stayed there, and there was no way I was letting them out.
“So, whose place is this?” Kris walked around, inspecting books and other decorative items that I’d never be able to pass off as my own.
I didn’t exactly know how to explain what ‘this place’ was. It was my refuge. It was my home. It was the last place I touched the face of the woman I loved, the woman who still very much owned my heart.
“I was sort of dating a girl, and this is her place.”
She kept inspecting, running her fingers along the spines of the books on the shelves. “Was?” She turned to me in question. “So you’re not anymore? I’m confused.”
I swear this woman had talked more in the past five minutes than she did the entire last three months of our marriage. When did she get so chatty?
“She’s… out of town. I’m taking care of things while she’s, um, away.”
“Where is she?”
“I don’t exactly know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know? Is she on vacation? Was there a death in the family and she had to attend a funeral? Did she tell you and you just weren’t paying attention?”
“No, it’s not like that. One day she was here, and then she was just… gone.” The numbness I’d clung to as of late was washed away with those words and the pain and loss I’d been masking were revealed again.
“Have you looked for her?”
“God, Kris… yes, okay? Shit!” I ran my hands through my hair, yanking it by the roots. “She disappeared without a trace. She left school, she sent me one text, and then nothing. She… ”
I couldn’t keep going. My eyes burned with unshed tears, and there was a knot in my chest the size of Texas. I only had so much fake happiness and it was almost gone. In truth, my soul was dead without Vaughn.
“You really love her, don’t you?” She sank to the couch, still watching me. “So, she’s the one then?” Her voice had softened.
“I swear to you, Kris, we were just friends.” My hands flew up in defense. I didn’t want her to think there was anything shady going on while we were together. ”I didn’t want to dishonor you, so we were waiting until the divorce to actually get together. But she left on the day it was finalized. I haven’t seen or heard from her since.”
All the emotions I’d been working so hard to keep at bay were coming to the forefront, rolling through me like the tide coming in. My whole body shook; I struggled to pull in a good breath. This is it, I thought, this is rock bottom. I felt another panic attack knocking on the door. Usually, they came at night, almost always after a nightmare. I hadn’t had one since leaving my apartment. I needed to regain control.
Kris stood up, folding me into her arms. When I’d somewhat pulled myself together, she pushed back, holding onto my shoulders, looking me straight in the eye as she spoke.
“Listen to me.” She shook me a little, to get my full attention. “I want nothing more than for you to be happy. She makes you happy, yeah? Is she the one? Are you planning to marry her? Will you love her through all the bullshit life throws at you? Is it that kind of love?”
I was speechless.
She shook me again, harder. ”I need you to tell me, Casey.” She was becoming frantic, but I couldn’t understand why. I’d never seen Kris so intense.
“Kris, I don’t want to hurt your fee—”
“Tell me, damn it! Tell me the truth right now!”
“YES! Okay? YES! She is EVERYTHING to me. I’ve loved her since the mome
nt I laid eyes on her. From that second, she’s been it for me. I’m dying without her. I don’t think I can live without her, Kris, and that terrifies me because I have to. She left me and now I’m wrecked.”
I had to catch my breath. I’d never admitted all that out loud before, but it was true. It was all true. “I know I didn’t have her long, but it was long enough to know that I am nothing without her by my side.” It was barely a whisper, but it was real. I was nothing without her. Nothing.
“Casey, listen to me, okay?”
I nodded, wiping my face. “Kris, I’m sorry I said all that to you,” I mumbled. I loved Kris, and I didn’t want to hurt her.
“I’m not sorry. Not at all. In fact, it might have been the best thing I’ve heard all year.” She looked relieved.
Scratching my head, I asked, “Why are you here again?”
“I need you to do something for me. And I need you to trust me.” She blew out a breath. She was measuring her words carefully, I could tell, so I stayed quiet. Eventually, she’d either fill me in or she’d leave. As much as I appreciated the company, I needed my solitude.
“Okay?” I had no idea what I was agreeing to.
“You need to pack a bag. Call the office, take a week off. I know you’ve got vacation time. Do it now! We’re leaving in,” she checked her watch, “one hour, so get your crap together. And please, for the love of all things holy, take a shower.” She wrinkled her nose at me, and I mentally tried to think of the last time I had actually showered. “I’m going to run to Layne’s and grab some chicken for us. We’ll hit the road when I get back.”
I stood in the same place I had been since Kris walked in. Had she lost her damn mind? I realized she didn’t know my current situation and that I was trying to avoid having to deal with my broken heart, but she wasn’t making any sense.
“Casey, do you understand?”
No, of course I didn’t. She wasn’t making any sense at all. She picked the wrong time for games because I wasn’t playing. I wasn’t about to leave with her, not with Vaughn still missing.