by C. B. Stagg
“Giving him up doesn’t make me weak,” I explained simply. “Why can’t you just give me some credit for being strong enough to let him go?”
I was pretty sure I heard her eyes roll back in her head.
We were both silent as she set up my IV. I’d be on fluids for at least forty-eight hours following my chemo treatment. Keeping me hydrated was one of the more difficult tasks my medical team had to tackle. I was usually sick for days and kept nothing down. As she set up the pump that would infuse poison into my veins over the next several hours, I buried my head into the pillow, trying to catch a little more of Casey’s scent, administering my own kind of poison.
Even before the chemo was started, the tightness in my chest threatened to suffocate me. I reached to my neck, where my hummingbird lay flat against my sallow skin.
That’s when it hit me.
Cancer wasn’t the problem. It wasn’t the cancer that was slowly sucking the life out of me. Loneliness was my disease, and I knew that Casey was the cure. But my greatest fear was that in trying to cure myself, I’d end up killing him.
26-Casey
I WAS STANDING ON the edge of a cliff.
It would be simple to turn around; to play it safe. There were other girls and I had time. I wasn’t exactly young by college town standards, but I wasn’t getting mail from AARP yet either. So I could leave now, sever ties and call the last few months a learning experience.
But there wasn’t another Vaughn.
We’d gone through a lot to get to this point and I knew turning back wasn’t an option. I was fully invested. She had my whole heart. I was working up the nerve to jump, but it was a risk. Was I ready to free fall, not knowing what awaited me at the bottom?
I didn’t expect the journey to win Vaughn back to be easy. But I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it would be worth it.
27-Vaughn
SOME IDIOT THOUGHT it would be a good idea to put a full-length mirror in my hospital suite bathroom.
As I looked at my reflection in the days following my last chemo treatment, I didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me. The woman I saw was weak with vacant eyes and a palpable lethargy. This was not who I’d spent a lifetime fighting my demons to become. I wanted to be a strong, confident woman—the antithesis of the woman who raised me.
So many times, I’d wondered why my mother didn’t just go after my dad. Either that or just move on. Instead, she’d locked herself away in a sad prison of loneliness and lived in it for almost two decades, waiting for him to come back to her. Was the woman I saw in the mirror turning out to be like her? Was that woman planning to spend her life waiting for a love that may or may not find her?
Hell, no!
I was nothing like my mother. I vowed my whole life to break the cycle, to be strong, and to go after what I wanted. But in the last few months, I’d found myself floundering in a pool of helplessness and pity, one brought on by circumstance, but perpetuated by my cowardice. That, and my complete lack of faith. I’d spent the last five years letting life mold me. Perhaps I should be the one molding my life?
It was high time I pull myself out of this mess, shake off the fear and doubt, and go after the life I deserved. Shutting Casey out when I needed him most was like a slap in his face. It said loud and clear that I had no faith in him, nor any confidence in myself. The truth was, I deserved a chance at a life with Casey Clark, and he deserved a chance to be the man I already knew he was.
We deserved each other.
The unfortunate reality was that I’d been battling cancer for the last seven weeks, completing my last round of chemo only three days before. I hardly had the strength to swat a fly, much less travel two hours to stake my claim on a man who may or may not still want me. Those thoughts, coupled with my reflection in the mirror, chipped away at my newly discovered bravado.
“How long are you gonna stand there, staring at yourself?”
Kris snuck into the room at some point, no doubt witnessing the gamut of emotions I’d experienced in the last two minutes. Impeccable timing on her part, as usual. I slinked back to my bed and plopped myself down, gasping to pull in the oxygen my lungs had suddenly decided they needed. So far, I’d avoided having to use an oxygen cannula. I wasn’t about to do anything to put that accomplishment in jeopardy.
Kris spent a few minutes getting me situated, which helped get my breathing under control. Her appearance wasn’t just happenstance. She was on a mission, but I had no intention of making it easy on her.
“So, what’s your plan?”
“What do you mean?” I kept a straight face, only faltering a bit when I saw her eyes roll back in her head.
“What I mean is,” she inhaled sharply, fighting the sarcasm that was begging to be unleashed, “you are being discharged. You can leave as early as tomorrow, provided you have a place to go and someone to look after you and help you when your radiation treatments start.”
I occupied myself by picking at a snag in my blanket. Her words were sinking in slowly, making the thought of leaving that much more real to me. When I didn’t respond, she tried a gentler approach, by asking, “Do you have a place to go?”
She’d sat down on the edge of my bed when our conversation started, but in the time since, she’d moved much closer to me. She was simultaneously stroking my lower leg through the blanket and nodding like she was keeping time to a beat only she could hear.
“I’m thinking I might go home.”
With that statement, she froze, and her eyebrows shot up into her hairline. “And which home are we talking about exactly?”
I didn’t know that I’d ever heard the cool, composed Dr. Kris Kim speak with a voice that high and unsure. My instincts told me she had more than just a casual interest in my future plans.
“Well,” I cleared my throat, using that time to decide what to say. Playing it cool wasn’t really my thing. I dropped the act and laid it all out there. “Home, for me, is wherever Casey is.”
She let out a breath I hadn’t been aware she’d been holding when she heard that news, and her face broke into a wide grin. “I was hoping you’d say that. Can you be ready to go in the morning?”
I slowly nodded, still unsure of her intentions.
“Good.” Her ‘back to business’ reply let me know that she was pleased with what had just transpired. “I’ll send someone in to help you pack.”
I must have blinked because the space in which she’d been just a second before was completely empty.
28-Casey
I MUST HAVE CHECKED THAT POST-IT note a thousand times, but it always said the same thing. Four o’clock. That was Vaughn’s estimated time of arrival. Kris let me know that George Preston had arranged a car service to drive her from MD Anderson to her apartment, and I planned to be there when she arrived. That would be the moment of truth. The moment in time where my fate would be decided. I’d done all I could do, I just had to have faith. Faith in myself, for doggedly pursuing what I know is right and good for everyone involved. Faith in God, for steering me in the right direction and opening doors that I’d never even known were there. And lastly, I had to have faith in my girl.
While she certainly hadn’t made it easy, I had to have faith that she also knew, deep in her heart, that we would never be complete without each other. Yes, this day would be a test of faith, but hadn’t they all been lately?
A knock on the door stopped me from walking to check the Post-it again. ”Hey,” I said, ushering Jase into the house and out of the cold. “Please tell me you have good news.” Ever since Becky had pointed out how similar Jase’s features were to Vaughn’s, I looked at him in a new light. Today was no different.
“Do you want the good news,” my heart bottomed out with the anticipation of what was coming next, but I should have just let him finish, “or the GREAT news?”
And just like that, my heart returned to my chest.
Sinking down on Vaughn’s recently relocated couch, I took a few cleansing
breaths. “Hit me with it all, but give me the short version. I can’t focus on details right now.”
“Okay, here’s the short and sweet of it.” Jase started using his fingers to tick off everything I needed to know. “Application to foster was filed this morning, but you have to understand that these things take time. Vaughn’s medical condition may slow the process a little, so you need to focus all your efforts on getting her well. Her prognosis is good, right?”
“It’s excellent. She isn’t going anywhere for a long, long time, thank God. I can’t even function without her.”
He leaned in closer to me. “Thanks for that tidbit, Captain Obvious.”
I laughed. I guess I had been slightly pathetic. “Okay, what’s next?”
“Y’all have an appointment with social services next week, right after Christmas.” Good, that was really fast. “And once that’s out of the way, your wait time should only be between three and six months, possibly up to a year. But I’d think the six to seven-month range is likely, depending on what strings my mom can pull. She’s really fighting for you, bud.”
Jase’s mom, Marian, was the founder of MVP Family Law and Child Advocacy. The firm was rooted in Dallas and had been run by her father until his death, but Marian had a very successful branch in Houston. I’d seen the woman in action and considered myself extremely lucky to have Marian Pearson on my side.
“Anything else?” I asked as my leg started bouncing vigorously.
“As a matter of fact, yes.” Jase turned toward me, and I spotted the little bag he’d been twirling around his finger. Half a second later, he flung it into my hands. ”This was ready a few hours early, so I thought I'd grab it for you.” The man never ceased to amaze me.
“And lastly… ”
He was pausing for effect. In the last five minutes, he’d just provided me with everything I needed to make my case with Vaughn, so I couldn’t fathom what else he had to say.
“The seller accepts your offer on the house.”
He was referring to himself. I told him I was willing to rent it from him, but Jase had agreed to sell me the house he’d recently purchased as a rental at one hell of a price. It was right next door to the house our parents bought when the three of us started college. The house where Jase and Becky still lived. And it was two doors down from Donna, Hank, and most importantly, Julian. We would all be neighbors.
As a man who’d avoided emotional situations for the last ten years, I sure was making up for lost time. Dropping the bag on the seat beside me, I got up from the couch and pulled my best friend into a manly, yet loving embrace. At the same time, I gave up on blockading the tears that had threatened to fall all day.
“I will never, ever be able to repay you for everything you’ve done. All I can say right now is thank you and… I love you, man.”
That brought a deep chuckle from my best friend as he slapped me on my back. “Well, just remember this, bud. I may need a ‘get out of jail free’ card before too long.” Before I had time to ask him what he meant by that, I heard tires on the driveway.
Peering out the window together, Jase and I digested what we were seeing at the exact same time. I knew this because of the involuntary gasps we released simultaneously as if it had been rehearsed. Then, with wide eyes and another display of impeccable timing, we both asked, “What the hell?”
Kris’s Fiat had just pulled into my new driveway. She wasn’t alone. And it was nowhere near four o’clock.
29-Vaughn
“I’M SO TIRED, KRIS. Please just take me home.”
‘Tired’ wasn’t a strong enough word for what I was experiencing. I’d started the day being poked and prodded for some final lab work that was needed before Dr. May agreed to grant my discharge—paroled.
As if the waiting game for labs wasn’t stressful enough, I was also dreading the two-hour car ride home. I wasn’t sure if it was the drive that scared the ever-living crap out of me, or what I’d find once I got there. I was really too sick to be traveling and no amount of time could prepare me for walking into my apartment alone, haunted by my memories of Casey. The last time I slept in my bed, it had been in his arms.
“Patience, grasshopper.” She laughed. “You’ll be home before you know it.”
I’d grown quite fond of Kris’s straight to the point, stale disposition over the last two months, but the person I’d seen in the last few days was even better. The differences were subtle. A smile here, a joke there. She hadn’t quite committed to jumping feet first into the ‘pool of personality’, but she was dipping a toe in and it suited her.
Snuggled into the blanket Mr. Preston brought to the hospital on one of his many visits, I watched as the scenery slowly morphed from urban to rural. When I spotted the big, white water tower that sat on the south edge of town, I perked up like a dog hearing a bag of chips being opened.
I was elated to see the landscape of what I now considered my hometown. The familiar shapes of the buildings and campus and Kyle Field in the distance brought me the peace I hadn’t realized I’d been missing until it settled back into my bones. But just as quickly, the uncertainty of my future disrupted my Zen-like state.
“You hungry?” Kris asked casually.
I was antsy, wanting to be out of her damn car, but once she’d mentioned food, all I could smell was steak. Suddenly, I was famished. It had been so long since I’d had an appetite, I almost didn’t recognize the rumbling in my stomach. I really did smell steak or some other meat cooking on a grill, which brought my attention to the fact that we were driving through a residential neighborhood, at least a mile or two past my apartment complex.
I leaned forward and opened my mouth in protest, but thought better of it, resting back against the seat again. Kris had gone through a lot for me, even offering to drive me home when my release papers cleared earlier than I expected. It wasn’t my place to complain if she needed to make a pit stop.
We reached her destination, and she pulled into a gravel driveway and slowed to a stop. I smiled when I saw where we were. I loved this area of town, right around where Becky lived if I was remembering correctly. Huge wooded lots dotted with Depression era bungalows lined the narrow, winding streets in all directions. It looked like a movie set with the perfectly manicured lawns and brightly painted homes of all shapes and sizes. The house she stopped in front of was a winter white, with smart, navy blue shutters and a stained wood front door.
My plan had been to stay in the warm car while she took care of whatever business she had, but curiosity got the best of me. So when Kris disengaged her seatbelt and opened her door, pausing as if to say, You coming?, I grabbed my blanket and followed.
Walking up the sidewalk leading to the front door, I practically skipped when I saw that the wraparound wooden porch had been painted a deep Aggie Maroon and housed two stained wooden rockers. All thoughts of cancer and my cold, lonely apartment were gone. The beautiful space in front of me was providing the perfect distraction. I shifted my weight from foot to foot and pulled my blanket tight around my shoulders, anxious to go inside and get a peek at more of the charming house.
I expected Kris to ring the doorbell or at least knock, so I was taken aback when she grabbed the brass door handle and walked right in. Reaching back for my hand, she started to pull me into the house, but someone stopped her.
That someone was Casey.
It was like I was watching a movie, only I wasn’t just watching. I was starring in it, and Casey was too. It only took him three strides before he’d crossed the room and stopped in front of me, leaving less than an inch between us.
In one smooth sweep, Casey gathered me into his arms, blanket and all, and carried me over the threshold. I rested my head right over his heart—feeling his rhythm and inhaling his scent—letting him chase away any doubts and fears I’d allowed myself to feel up to this point.
I wasn’t even surprised when I looked around and spotted my couch, my dining set with the mismatched chairs, and all my beau
tiful books filling the built-in shelves. The second I saw Casey I knew I was home. I didn’t need windows or a door or even a roof.
Casey Clark was the only home I’d ever need.
30-Casey
I PRAYED FOR THIS MOMENT.
I hadn’t really prayed since I was a child, but after seeing Vaughn in that hospital bed, I’d spent more time on my knees than anywhere else. The instant I got her into my arms and carried her into our home, I knew that He’d been listening. As I held her tiny frame close to my body, I sent up a prayer of thanks, followed by a promise.
I promised to do everything in my power to make her healthy again. I promised to stay by her side, to take care of her and love her, cherishing every minute we had together. And I promised that our life together would include children of our own.
As if on cue, I heard a tiny knock on the front door. It was well before the time I’d asked them to come over, but my guess is my little man had been sitting by the window and had spotted Vaughn through the blinds.
I carefully set Vaughn down on the couch as Donna and Julian filed through the door, followed by Becky, whom Jase had run next door to get when all the commotion started. As if sensing his intent, I reflexively caught Julian by the back belt loop as he ran across the room, in an attempt to hurl himself into Vaughn’s waiting arms. Not that I blamed him.
“Vaughn’s been sick, J. Remember, we talked about this when you helped me put the books on the shelves yesterday. We have to be really careful around her until we get her well.”
His wide eyes never left Vaughn, but he nodded his head several times, letting me know he remembered. “You got a lotta b-b-books, C-Coach V.”