by April Lust
“Anything,” Jerry said back.
“Gather the boys together for me. I need to talk to them. Explain myself, you know?”
Jerry nodded and went off to address some of the boys, leaving Xander to walk back over to Olivia and Ezra.
“He’s gonna let me talk to the whole club,” Xander explained, nodding to the bartender who poured him out a shot of whiskey out of habit.
“That’s great!” Olivia said, toasting him. “I don’t know how necessary it is after what Ezra did for us, but still.”
“No, no, I need to do it,” Xander explained. “I have to. I owe it to them.”
Olivia nodded, her eyes gleaming with something Xander couldn’t identify. “What?” he prompted her, feeling nervous.
“Nothing, it’s just— same thing as always. I’m so proud of you.” She grinned at him and took a deep sip of her drink. “After that, you can relax for a while.”
“No, no, I gotta pick out a squad, you know,” Xander said. “Get together some guys willing to take down Roger and his crew.”
“I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” Olivia said, a small smile stretching over her lips. “I did something while you were in the meeting room with Jerry.”
“What’d you do?” Xander asked, small sparks of fear shooting up his spine in anticipation.
“I called the cops,” Olivia said casually, grabbing her drink from the bar and taking a big gulp. “What?” she asked, probably in reaction to the look of shock on Xander’s face. “I called in a few favors. Being a fake-cop gets you real privileges.”
“So, what? You’re pressing charges against them?”
“Assault and battery, attempted rape, you betcha,” Olivia said with a grin. “It doesn’t go over very well with juries, attacking law enforcement, especially cops of the lady variety. I’d say he’s going away for a very long time now that the club won’t be standing behind him.”
“You’re amazing,” Xander said, leaning in to kiss Olivia’s lips. “So fucking amazing.”
Olivia grinned up at him. “I try my best.”
Before Xander could argue with her further, Jerry came up behind him, tapping him on his shoulder. “They’re ready for you, son.”
Xander nodded and downed the rest of his shot, needing the courage to follow through on this ridiculous task that the Xander of two months ago would’ve been too terrified to ever attempt.
To win back the club, Xander needed to use his words. It was a horrifying concept, honestly. It made all his organs drop into his stomach to boil and simmer and burn. But it was the only way to do it. The right way to do it. For once, he wasn’t going to use his fists. For once, he was going to be a man.
“Hey, guys,” he said once he moved to the center of the room, feeling dozens of eyes on him all at once. “How are you doing?”
The room was silent. Not a single person moved to answer.
“I, um, you know I wanted to say some things to you all today, you know, stuff you deserve to hear. Um, yeah,” he stuttered out, feeling heat crawl up his back and neck and face in embarrassment. Still, nobody moved to say anything. He almost would have preferred being heckled. At least then he would know where he stood, instead of this stony silence.
“So. For over a year now I’ve been…an asshole. You all know this personally. Whether I’ve shoulder-checked you a bunch of times or haven’t paid you back for drinks or fucked your girlfriends or actually beaten you up, I haven’t…been the best guy to be around.” There was a slight laugh somewhere in the room, but he couldn’t identify where it came from. Still, it gave him the strength to continue speaking, haltering and hesitant as it was. “Um, so’s pretty fucked-up, you know? And I understand if you guys all hate me because of it, especially because of what happened with Ezra.” Nobody’s face had changed at all, still blankly staring up at him. Goddammit, this isn’t going to work, he thought. He might as well just stop speaking now and hide forever.
He was scanning the room to find an escape route when he locked eyes with Olivia. She was smiling, bright and wide, her whole face lit up with it. It was a real smile, not one she faked to keep him going. She mouthed something at him a second later, but it took him a moment to figure out what she was saying. Then, it hit him: “I’m proud of you.”
“So, you all know all of that,” he said, feeling suddenly re-energized. “You know I’m a fuck-up. You know Jerry’s covered my ass, who’s given me more chances than I’ve ever deserved. But what you don’t know is how much of a fuck I give. And it’s a lot. I really, really give a fuck about it. Maybe that makes me sound weak. Maybe it means I’m not this big tough biker fucker that I’ve always acted like I am, but it’s true. I really feel like complete shit for fucking up my relationships with you guys. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
A few people, mostly in the back of the room, straightened up, probably to get a better look at him. Maybe to watch greedily as he crashed and burned. But Xander chose not to think that way. It’s working. I’m doing it. I can do it, he said to himself.
“I know I’ve fucked up. I know I haven’t been what you guys deserve. I know I don’t even deserve a second chance. Or, a hundredth chance, given how much I’ve messed up by now. I know you have every right to reject my apology. But I’m ready to make it up to you, however I can. I’m not scared of that anymore.”
There was a low rumble throughout the room, several people turning to each other and muttering stuff that Xander couldn’t hear. He took it as a good sign.
“Why?” Eric asked. “Why do you give a fuck what we think?”
Xander knew the answer immediately. “Because you’re my family. And I want to make you proud of me. Starting now.”
The room was silent for a long moment, every member milling over the words Xander had just said. “I’m willing to fight for you guys the way you’ve always fought for me. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.” Everyone was turned to look at him now, all eyes trained on him. Every face was etched with hope. “Thank you, guys, for listening to me. I love you.”
“I love you, too!” a few of the guys across the bar yelled back, and the room erupted into laughter, but it wasn’t mocking. It was joyous. It was healing. And Xander had never felt so loved in his life.
After accepting a few hugs from the nearest bikers and club girls, he felt triumphant. He felt like he’d just run a marathon, won a trophy, climbed the tallest mountain. He wanted to go and grab Olivia to celebrate, but before he could cross the bar to find her, Jerry intercepted him and brought him back into the meeting room to talk.
“You’re a leader now,” Jerry said as he closed the door behind them. “She really did a good job on you, kid.”
“Yeah, she really did,” Xander admitted. “It was a good investment.”
Jerry nodded, eyes flicking from Xander’s face down to the floor, like he was nervous to say his next statement. “It’s yours if you want it, son,” Jerry said. “The club. It’s time for somebody else to take over.”
Xander was silent for a long moment, unsure of what to say. He had expected this moment for years. Everyone had expected it. Yet for some reason he wasn’t sure if he was prepared for it. Suddenly, it was real – the title, the responsibility that came with it – and it was lying right at his feet.
“Do you want it?” Uncle Jerry asked.
Again, Xander was silent, his eyes darting in every direction. But then he heard Olivia’s voice carry through the shut door, probably laughing at something Ezra had said. And he knew the answer. “I do. I do want it. I’m sorry it took me so long to see that,” Xander said.
“There’s just one condition,” Uncle Jerry said.
Oh, great. Here we fucking go again. “What’s that?”
“Marry her.”
“What?” Xander asked, feeling his blood start to race hurriedly to his extremities, his ears and toes and fingers suddenly feeling like they were on fire. His body was telling him, Run, run, run away from this situation.
But something else inside of him said: Stay. Hear him out.
“Marry her,” Uncle Jerry said again, not offering anything else in explanation for the command.
“I’ve only— I’ve only just started dating her two months ago,” Xander argued.
“And your parents dated for years before marrying. Look how that turned out. Listen, son, there are no guarantees,” Jerry said. “Life can be ripped from you in a second. You know that better than anyone.”
Marta, Xander thought. “Yeah, I know,” he said.
“That’s why you gotta take it and grab it in your fists and hold on as tight as you can. There’s no other way, son.”
“What if I fuck it up?” Xander murmured, his voice barely audible under the bustle of the bar.
But Jerry must have heard him, because he clapped him on his shoulder again in comfort. “You will. You’ll definitely fuck it up. But you’ve shown here today that you’re good at that.”
“I’m good at fucking up?” Xander said with a smirk.
“You’re good at fixing it,” Uncle Jerry answered.
Xander shrugged in false-modesty, even though he felt his skin prickling with embarrassment and happiness, all at once. “Lots of practice.”
Uncle Jerry laughed and tugged him forward by the shoulder, crushing him into a hug. “You gotta grab onto the people you love, kid,” Jerry said, his voice going hoarse from tears.
“Yeah,” Xander said, hugging him back as hard as he could. “You do.”
They held each other for a long minute before separating. “Thank you,” Xander said, and his words felt heavy, like he wasn’t just talking about the club business. He really wanted to say, Thank you, thank you, thank you for raising me, for saving me, for taking care of me, for never giving up on me. Thank you. But somehow, judging from the grateful look on Jerry’s face, he thought he might’ve heard all of that without Xander even saying it out loud.
***
“Oh, oh, yes!” Olivia cried out later that night, the sensation of Xander coming inside her too much to take as she reached her climax. A second later, they both fell back onto the bed, limbs and hands tangled together.
“I gotta talk to you about something,” Xander said a minute later.
If Olivia hadn’t felt completely, utterly exhausted she would have felt nervous at the wavering tone of his voice. As it was, she was still totally numb from pleasure and the excitement of the day, and she just murmured a half-curious, “Mm?” in response.
“I want you to marry me,” Xander said.
That woke her right up. Olivia disentangled her fingers from his to sit up on the bed and look down at him. “Why?” Olivia found herself saying. That’s not the answer you’re supposed to give when somebody proposes to you, but it was the only one she could think up at the moment, the only word she was capable of. Why the hell would you want to marry me? Olivia wondered. What’s in it for you?
Xander bit his lip, and for a second Olivia wondered if she’d pissed him off, if he was about to retract the offer entirely. But a second later, he spoke in that same tentative, hesitant tone of voice. “It’s, um, it’s something Jerry said to me. He told me he’d give me the club, on the condition that I marry you.”
Oh. Disappointment washed over Olivia like a cold shower. “So you’re just…what? Doing what you’re told?” Olivia felt insulted, like Xander had been forced into this whole situation from the beginning. Jerry had engineered the counseling, now he was engineering their relationship. “Kinda going from one end of the obedience spectrum to the other, huh?”
“No, it’s— it’s not about that. He gave me the idea, yeah. But it’s…I want the club, right? I want it. I would never have realized that without you.”
“So you’re saying thank you?” Olivia asked, but it wasn’t sarcastic. She genuinely needed to know. Her heart was pounding in her chest in fear and anticipation and some other emotion she couldn’t quite name.
“No, yes, I don’t—” Xander cut himself off, and Olivia found herself reaching up to rub his cheek gently to comfort him and pull him through the moment. “It’s not like I’m paying you back, but I need you. I need you here to be a leader, Olivia. I need you here to be…anything. Anything at all. I need you.”
“Why?” Olivia whispered hoarsely, feeling tears start to clog up her throat. She didn’t know what she was feeling, except that suddenly she was utterly terrified. This is real. This is really happening to me.
“Because you saved me,” Xander whispered back, his voice sounding as fragile and breakable as Olivia had ever heard it. “I was standing on the edge of a cliff, and I wanted…I wanted to fall off it, you see? I wanted to fall. But you pulled me back from the edge…” He trailed off and sniffled a little.
Olivia couldn’t see his face very clearly in the dark, but she wondered if he was fighting back tears the way she was. “I pulled you back,” Olivia supplied, wanting to help him even now. Maybe that was the constant in their relationship. Helping each other. “I pulled you back kicking and screaming,” she said with a laugh.
“Right. At first, I thought I didn’t want you to. But now I think I was scared. I was scared of how much I wanted it. How much I wanted you to save me, Olivia. I tried to run from it. I tried to deny it to everybody, and especially to myself. But you pulled me back, and you held onto me, and you wouldn’t let go no matter how hard I tried to shake you off. Even when you left, it was a way of holding on to me. Keeping me safe.”
“It was,” Olivia said, and she felt the coil of guilt in her stomach start to shrink a little. It would take time to get over it, but she was on her way. “I just want to help you, always.”
Xander’s hand reached out to cup her face now, his thumb gently skimming over her chin and cheek. “I thought, because of Marta, you know, everything was doomed with me. That I was cursed, by God, maybe, to hurt everything that ever touched me. Like my dad did my mom, and me, and everything he ever touched. I thought it was my legacy. But then you come along, and you take everything I am and you…”
For a second Olivia was afraid he was going to say that she fixed him, when she knew that wasn’t true. It wasn’t that easy. It wasn’t like he wasn’t bruised and broken, a little, still. But Xander cut himself off first, leaning in to kiss her sweetly and softly, before he spoke again.
“You found me,” he whispered into her mouth. “You found me under all the layers of bullshit I’d collected over the years, and you peeled it all away and you found me. You let me find out who I am, who I really am, underneath everything. And you saved me that way, baby. You save me every day. I can’t be without you, you see? I just can’t. I don’t know if it’s selfish. I don’t know if it wouldn’t be the better thing, the stronger thing, to let you go and find something else. But I have a feeling you need me, too.” Olivia could hear him swallow nervously. “Do you?”
“Before you,” Olivia began, shutting her eyes to steel herself for what she was about to say. It practically physically hurt her, thinking back to a life without Xander. “I was strong and capable and competent. My life would have been fine. I would have been okay without you,” she said. She cleared her throat, and she could feel the waves of anxiety coming off Xander as she paused, so she reached out and rubbed at his shoulders, trying to get him to relax. “I was okay. My existence was totally fine. I was really good at it, existing the way I did. But I never lived, Xander. I was never alive. I was just this animated robot walking around, living my life, doing my stupid boring tasks, and then you came along and you crashed into my life, and it hurt, waking up like I did. It hurts a lot, realizing your life is empty. But it was worth it. It’s been worth everything. All the bullshit, all the fights, all the shit with Roger, everything. Because now I’m alive. Now there’s blood pumping through my veins, and my heart is beating. And…and…” She leaned forward until their foreheads touched, their breath mingling. “And it’s yours. My heart is yours. You found it. You claimed it. There’s no going back.”
Olivia stuttered pathetically, unsure of what her brain was telling her to say. Did she want to live dangerously, dealing with crime, practically on the verge of life and death every day? Or did she want to go back to her nice, safe, warm, cozy little life in her little office where nothing bad would ever happen? “No fucking way,” she whispered hoarsely, more to herself than to Xander. “No fucking way. I’m not going back, Xander.”
“Then stay with me,” Xander whispered, his lips brushing against her face. “Please. Stay with me.” He kissed her more deeply, setting her skin on fire. “Forever.”