by Shey Stahl
“Okay, what is it?”
“Be careful what you wish for. Once you’re worshiped, they’ll either love you for the things you’ve done or hate you for the things you didn’t do. It’s one or the other. No in between.”
“That all?”
“No. Read the fine print before signing anything with a promoter. That goes for Sam and his partner Nick. Hire an attorney to go over every line because in the end, they can and will end your career if you don’t honor it.”
I have the distinct feeling Dylan is speaking from experience and knows what he’s talking about.
I don’t know what he wants me to say, so I nod to let him I know I at least heard him. Turning my head, I look around the bar, a crowd is beginning to gather around us, wanting pictures and a chance to be alone with one of us. I realize, while Linc and Beck smile and enjoy the attention, I do nothing about it. These people, they don’t fucking know me. They could never understand the reckless bullshit controlling my thoughts.
I catch Beck looking at me from the corner of my eye. By the look he’s giving me, he’s begging me to play the game and give these people what they want. The front man of Torque. The guy who shouts on stage, rips his shirt off in the middle of songs and fucks countless women backstage or in bathrooms. I shouldn’t, but I give in and smile at them, giving them a small glimpse into whatever it is they think I’ve become.
In some ways, I guess maybe I’m craving a closeness I hope they’ll provide. Only it doesn’t. It gives me a darker emotion, a void, a sense of abandonment swimming through my veins.
My life is not what I imagined it to be. In some ways, it is. In others, it’s completely different from the version I had four years ago before that trip to Mexico. I did something I will forever regret, with the night and the days that followed morphing into something I never wanted.
I made a choice that night, a choice I hated.
Admitting to Rawley I intentionally slept with someone else was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Coming clean is never easy, but I knew if I broke up with him but didn’t tell him, he’d keep coming back, waiting for the truth. I didn’t want him to see what a horrible person I was since I willingly cheated on him.
All I’ve ever known is Rawley. From the time I was ten years old, until I was a senior in high school, I’d been madly, deeply, irrevocably in love with Rawley Allen Walker. I knew for sure one day, I’d marry him. I knew it.
I’m not entirely sure what happened between leaving for spring break with my best friend and her two sisters, and the night at the bar when I slept with another guy. I didn’t go to Mexico with the intention of cheating on Rawley, but somewhere along the way that week with guys all over me and drinks thrown my way, I considered I’d never allowed myself to be carefree. I mean, yeah, I was the cheerleader dating the star quarterback, but looking back on it, I realized I’d been walking the same path since I was ten, never veering, never allowing myself to experience anything other than him. And that’s when it happened. I suddenly pictured myself just out of high school, knocked up and married to Rawley. Don’t get me wrong, the vision of the future I planned for so long was great, but the fear of what would happen in two, five or even seven years later scared the shit out of me. My parents married just out of high school and had me. Seven years later, my dad came to my mom one day, told her he was leaving her and me for his family across the state my mom didn’t even know about. He was a long-haul trucker and had apparently been seeing another woman for four years, had two kids with her.
I didn’t want that for us.
So in a moment of drunken certainty, and my persuasive best friend, Kate, I decided to find out if Rawley was who I wanted. I was an idiot and made the biggest mistake of my life. I mean, I couldn’t even tell you the guy’s name, or what he looked like. It was that bad. I think I cried the entire time too. I know I did on the plane ride home.
When I returned home my conscience ate at me, and I told Rawley what happened and that it was a mistake. That I got drunk and it just sort of happened.
I remember his words to me. They’re engraved on my heart.
“I slept with someone in Mexico,” I whisper over my tears and pounding heart, my fingers gripping the metal bleachers I’m sitting on.
Swallowing, he nods, and then shakes his head, eyes so despondent they look like they’ll be lost forever. “Did you think of me while you were fucking him?” he asks, desperation in his wavering voice. I look at him, needing to see his eyes. “Did you think of me before you broke my fucking heart?”
My breath rushes out in a gasp, my lips parting in shock. “Rawley, please, you have to understand I never meant to hurt you.”
“Yes, you did!” He stands in a rush. “Yes, you fucking did or you wouldn’t have done it! Goddamn it, Sophie! How could you do that?”
The worst part? Worse than telling him the truth?
The Rawley I was left with for the next three years was far worse than any truths I had to live with. A daily reminder that pierces my soul. When I told him it was a mistake, I thought for the briefest moments he would forgive me, but he didn’t, and it went downhill from there. Just weeks before graduation, he wrecked his dad’s car drinking and driving, and nearly killed himself. He lost any chance he had at playing football in college that day because he was charged with a DUI and had his license suspended for a year.
If I would have told Rawley the truth sooner, maybe things would have been different between us. Instead, now I carry the guilt of knowing I created a monster for years and only finally let go of it the day he left.
The relief I felt the night he left, knowing he was never coming back was sad because I shouldn’t have felt that way. I still love him, even now, even after everything, even despite him no longer being the boy I once knew.
It wasn’t long after Rawley left, six weeks to the day, I found out I was pregnant. I cried for three days straight. I’m not even exaggerating. Ask Raven.
I knew immediately it was Rawley’s baby because he’s the only one it could have been. It’s only ever been Rawley. Aside from the one-night stand in Mexico, I haven’t been with anyone besides him. For the last three years, it’s been late night visits and hookups, but I took it because having part of him was better than having none. That night in my apartment was the first time he hadn’t used a condom with me. That wasn’t Rawley that night. It was obvious his head was miles away.
Being on my own with no family and pregnant, Mia, Rawley’s mother convinced me to move in with her. My first instinct was to say no. I feared Rawley would come back and see me there, think I took over his family or was simply there to torture him some more, but Mia assured me it wouldn’t happen.
Even though I knew he was in Seattle, I didn’t know how he was doing. One day I stole her phone to check her messages to him. I needed to know he was okay but didn’t want to ask her. So I got her drunk with wine and when she snuck to the bathroom, I peeked at her phone. The only thing he ever texted her were short answers like, “I’m fine,” or “Can’t talk,” and once… just once… an “I love you,” on her birthday.
At least he still had enough conscience to text her on her birthday.
I found out I was pregnant August 13th. Rawley’s birthday.
I didn’t tell him.
I couldn’t tell him.
The underlining message he sent the night he left was clear, good-bye forever. I rationalized he didn’t need to know. He wouldn’t want anything to do with us anyway so why hurt the both of us by forcing him to reject us?
In December I found out I was having a boy. Knowing the sex of the baby gave me the final push I needed to find the courage to finally tell Rawley what was going on. When we talked about kids back in school, he always wanted a boy.
When I was about five and half months pregnant, I decided he should at least be given the opportunity to decide for himself what he wanted. I drove up to Seattle, not knowing exactly where he’d be and drove around all Saturday nigh
t. It was New Year’s Eve and I knew the band would have a gig somewhere in that town.
After six different bars, I found him in the last one I’d ever think to look, but then it all made sense. With the dark walls and musky smell, it reminded me a lot of Murphy’s.
Rawley was up on stage when I walked in, black hoodie on, hood pulled up over his head, but I knew by the voice it was him. No one had the same sound as him. As I watched him up there, I couldn’t help but see this life he had now was more than his instable soul could manage. The crowd in front of him chanted his name as he leaned into the microphone, face shielded in black. “Has anyone out there ever had their fucking heart ripped out?”
My heart squeezed in my chest; he was talking about me. I realized in that moment that I wasn’t there for Rawley, but for me. I was weak and foolish and was risking both of us being hurt more.
The crowd screamed, women reached out to touch him but he remained two feet back swaying to a steady drum beat, his head down.
His lips pressed to the microphone, a half-muffled sound when he said, “I have… this is for the fucking bitch who destroyed it.” Rocking from side to side, his head remained down as he began to sing, his head moving to the thick beat. And then came the words.
Fuck your pain. You did this.
You took all I gave and left me this way
Still here you are questioning why
Fuck your truths
It’s poison and I don’t give a fuck about you
You suck me dry so fuck your lies
Yeah, I fucked your lies
I’m bruised, broken, bitter… isn’t that what you wanted?
Face it, you wanted this and this is the me you’re getting’
Choke on this, you lying bitch
Shit adds up now
I’m on my knees and burning, swallowing poisons you feed
Your weakness became my need
I know you, you’ll destroy me if I let you
To survive… nah, fuck you, survive me
I won’t forgive you
So fuck your pain
Any false hope I may have had—that time away would have calmed the raging storm running through his body—was gone. I lost. I lost all hope. He was never going to get past my betrayal. He was never going to forgive me.
It breaks my heart because at one time this was our dream and I wanted to share this with him, but I couldn’t. Once again the monster I created wouldn’t let me.
While I was scared, I truly believed I could do it on my own and I was making the right decision by not telling him. I was doing the right thing for this baby. I knew very well the consequences of raising a child on my own and the sacrifices I was going to have to make. My mother raised me on her own, but the day I turned eighteen, she moved to Las Vegas and left my ass. I swore I’d always put my son first, no matter what, and his best interest would always be number one.
So I didn’t tell Rawley.
In late January, Rawley’s band, Torque, came out with their first EP. I bought it and listened to it for a week straight. It was obvious those four songs on his EP were about us, our love and the destruction in which we ended.
In some ways it offered me the smallest sliver of closure because I thought, no, I guess I hoped maybe it did the same for him.
I might never know.
So now here I am, at the end of February, working for Walker Automotive and counting the days until I get to meet my son. My stomach is huge and the only clothes that fit me are sweatpants I stole from Rawley when we were still together and Old Navy tank tops.
I can’t say I’m completely comfortable at Mia’s house, because I’m not. I sleep in Raven’s old room, which is right next to Rawley’s, a door closed for the last eight months. Somedays I want to open it and lie in his bed just to be near him. But most days I want to take a bat to it and destroy everything that reminds me of him. Maybe it’s the hormones.
I DON’T DO much other than work, mostly I lie around reading. At almost eight-months pregnant, I’ve officially reached the stage where I’m constantly tired. I’m on the couch reading What To Expect When You’re Expecting when I feel a pain in my side.
The longer I attempt to ignore it, the more I realize these pains aren’t like anything else I’ve experienced and they’re not going away. Something’s off and I can’t place it. My stomach hurts, a pain wraps around my sides to my lower back.
Sitting up, I place my hand over my swollen stomach. I’m not due for another six weeks but my instincts are telling me he is coming early. Just like his father, he isn’t good at waiting.
Not knowing what else to do, I call out for Mia but then I remember she’s having dinner with her sisters tonight in Portland and said she wouldn’t be back until around midnight.
I check the time. It’s 7:08 p.m. She’ll be at least another four hours and I know I can’t wait that long.
Maneuvering myself to stand, I’m suddenly soaking wet.
Oh shit. My water just broke.
I go through the different possibilities of who to call for help, but the truth is the list is short. The only family I have is the Walker family and the only friend I really had was Kate, and after I discovered she had been sleeping with Rawley for the last few years, I ended that relationship. Now I only talk to Raven and Lenny.
Knowing Raven’s in Eugene at school, I call Lenny first.
She doesn’t answer.
That leaves me with one choice. Red.
“Hey, Sophie, are you okay?” Red asks when he answers the phone.
“No, I’m not. Something’s wrong. I need you to take me to the hospital. I’m sorry to bother you. I just didn’t know who else to call. Your mom is in Portland with her sisters. Raven’s too far away and Lenny didn’t answer her phone.”
“It’s okay.” He rushes out the words. “I can help. Be right over.”
It’s then I begin to panic, water trickling down my legs standing in the living room holding my stomach. I can’t for the life of me think of what to do next. I mean, I know Red is on his way but I can’t move from my spot in the living room. I’m rooted in place.
Moving my hands over my stomach, it feels hard, but my instincts are telling me he’s coming early.
Red arrives minutes later, eyes wide and standing at the door. I grab a bag from the hall closet and stuff a bunch of dirty clothes from the hamper in the laundry room because I was afraid to risk going upstairs and falling down them should a contraction hit.
When I’m in the front seat of Red’s car, watching him start the car, the panic sets in again because I realize if it wasn’t for him, I’d really be alone right now.
“I don’t think I can do this alone, Red,” I whisper in fear. I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to. I want Rawley here. I want the old Rawley. The one who would have held me tight and whispered how much he wanted me and that everything would be okay.
Red draws me to his side, his massive arms holding me close in the seat. “You’re not alone. You have us.”
“And me!” Nova pops her head over the seat, resting her chin on the edge.
My eyes widen and I look to Red, my hands on my stomach as I push shallow breaths out. “You brought her with you?”
He shrugs and hands me my bag at his feet. “I’d just picked her up from gymnastics when you called. Didn’t think you wanted me to drop her off first.”
“Oh, well, I guess not.”
Red puts the car in gear and backs out of the driveway. It’s then reality sets in that I’m in fact on my way to the hospital and in labor.
Oh God, labor? Am I actually going to meet my son tonight? The realization, the idea that I’ll finally get to hold him sets my nerves into a spin and my heart racing.
I’m thankful Red doesn’t do the speed limit because the pain increases by the second, and I’m the biggest baby when it comes to pain. Think papercut and I’m ready to rush to the hospital. I just don’t do pain.
“Hey, Daddy?” Nova asks, le
aning forward in her booster seat to rest her hands on the back of the seat.
“Yeah, darlin’?” He notices her hands and takes a corner a little faster than necessary. “Nova, sit back.”
She does as he asks but doesn’t stop talking. “Wouldn’t it be funny if the baby’s born in the car? You can call him Nova too. Like me… since I was made in here and he might be born in here.”
I never thought about it until now. Fuck, what if we don’t make it? My heart stops. “I’m not having this baby in your car.”
Red half smiles but doesn’t look at me and I’m thankful for that because by the way he’s driving, he needs to pay attention to the road. “Believe me, I don’t want that either.”
I’m not sure he’s convinced. Especially when I start screaming in pain as the contractions hit me harder. I’m not sure what I thought labor would be like, but it wasn’t anything like this, the doubled over version of me screaming out obscenities.
I’m not sure how, between me screaming and Red’s driving, but we manage to make it to the hospital without wrecking. Once there, they do a quick exam and send me upstairs to labor and delivery.
On the way there, Red leans into my ear as he pushes me down the hall. “I know I’m all you’ve got tonight, but I have to be honest with you, I’m not going to be in the room when this kid comes out. I could barely handle it when Nova and Chevy were born.”
Beside us, Nova grins, somehow acquiring a bag of Cheetos between the waiting room and the hallway. “He’s right. Dude almost passed out when my brother was born.”
I nod. It’s all I can do because I’m too scared to do anything else and everything’s happening so fast.
Once I’m situated in a bed and they give me some medicine to ease the pain of the contractions, I’m finally relaxing. Even though I’m six weeks early, they’ve convinced me he’s fine and he’ll be okay if he’s born tonight.