by Karen Baker
Valerie hugged Beth’s neck. “You bet. And I’m glad you two hit it off. Later.”
If only Valerie knew the real truth behind that statement. Beth walked across campus with a smile on her face. Her thoughts were of Dakota. She had been thinking more and more about her. She really liked her. She liked the way Dakota felt under her touch. She even liked kissing her on the cheek. “I wonder what Dakota’s lips feel like?” she said out loud. Just the thought of Dakota’s lips sent shivers down her spine. “Where did that come from?” She had never had feelings like this about another woman before, and she couldn’t wait to see her again.
CHAPTER FOUR
Dakota hung up on Mr. Gomez from the crisis hotline. “What the hell does he know? Stupid asshole!” She was furious. “No one has the right to talk to someone like he did to me! I’m the one looking for answers, not him!”
Suddenly, someone was pounding on her door. “Now, what the fuck?” She threw the door open and in front of her stood two uniformed police officers. “Son of a bitch! What do you want?”
“Are you Gunny Sergeant Dakota McKnight?”
“Yes, but you know this already!”
“I’m Officer Dowell and this is Officer Wainwright, Portland Police Department. Thank you for your service, Gunny. We’re here to see how you are doing. Are you alone?”
She answered in her best military voice, “There is no one else in the residence.”
“Do you mind stepping outside to talk with us?”
Dakota grabbed her keys off the key ring by the door. She knew exactly where this was heading. She had been down this road once before.
They began questioning her about the phone conversation that she’d had with Mr. Gomez. She told them about how curt he had been with her and how pissed she was now because of it. “I called because I needed to talk to somebody about my PTSD, but he wouldn’t listen to what I had to say.”
“Again, thank you for your service, Gunny McKnight, but we have to take you to the VA hospital for your own safety. Please turn around and put your hands behind your back.”
Mortified, Dakota couldn’t believe what was happening. “But there is nothing wrong with me!”
“We have no choice, Gunny. Mr. Gomez from the crisis hotline thinks you are a danger to yourself. You wouldn’t contract for your safety or give him your word that you wouldn’t harm yourself, you kept mentioning taking additional medications, then you hung up on him, and you won’t tell us anything else. You leave us no other option.”
She complied with the officer’s order knowing that if she did not, they would force her to the ground and cuff her anyway. “Make no mistake about this, I will go, but I do it under protest.”
“As long as you go peacefully, that’s fine.”
As Officer Dowell placed the handcuffs on her, Dakota hoped that none of her neighbors had witnessed the confrontation. They led her to the police cruiser and placed her in the back. Her long legs made sitting in the vehicle extremely tight and uncomfortable. Her knees were tilted to one side and she sat kitty-cornered, trying not to put too much pressure on her hands from the hard, plastic back seat. The back seats of police cars were not meant for comfort.
When they pulled up to the VA hospital, Janie was waiting. She hated to see Dakota treated as a common criminal, but knew it was for her own safety as well as the safety of the officers involved. Janie addressed the officers, “I can take her from here. Do you mind removing the handcuffs?”
“No problem, ma’am.” Officer Wainwright removed the cuffs from Dakota’s wrists. “It was a pleasure talking with you, Gunny McKnight. Take care of yourself.”
“Thanks, officer.”
Janie walked Dakota into the emergency department psych room where Dr. Reuther was waiting for her. “So, what’s going on, Dakota?” he asked.
She studied him. She knew that he had already been apprised of what had transpired this morning. Dakota really didn’t feel like repeating herself after having to tell the officers. “You know exactly what’s going on. Don’t feed me a line of bullshit, Dr. Reuther. If you are going to admit me, just do it already. If not, then I would like to leave.”
“We need to talk first. Why did you hang up on the crisis line worker?” He waited for a response. When none came, he continued his questioning. “Why won’t you contract for your safety? And why are you threatening an overdose?”
Dakota was livid. She just sat in the chair, eyes transfixed on him. She would be damned if she was going to answer him.
“Then you give me no choice but to admit you. You know, you can be awfully stubborn when you want to be. They’re simple questions. Take some time to collect yourself and we’ll talk more tomorrow. Okay?” He patted her leg and walked out of the room to start the paperwork to have Dakota admitted.
“It will get easier, Dakota. Just keep that in mind. One day it won’t be this hard and you won’t be so hard on yourself. Things will look better tomorrow. Stop fighting and breathe. Try to relax and we’ll get you settled upstairs shortly.” Janie always knew what to say to calm Dakota’s nerves.
Dakota bounced her foot rapidly, expelling some of the pent-up anger and frustration that threatened to explode with each passing moment. She took a deep breath, and tried to relax. Janie was right. She fought everyone, every step of the way, including, and most of all, herself.
CHAPTER FIVE
Dakota was over at Beth’s for another dinner. They had been getting together on a regular basis, talking about life in general. On this particular night, the discussion was Beth’s favorite, American history, which, after all, was her specialty.
“All right, my big, bad marine, what is your favorite part of American history?”
Dakota thought for a moment. She knew her answer immediately, but wanted to keep Beth in suspense. “The Civil War, mainly the role women played in the Confederate States. They were asked to go far above and beyond, at least back then, the call of duty.”
“Damn you! That’s cheating.”
Dakota giggled. “What do you mean?”
“You had it already figured out. You made me wait like you were trying to decide. You stinker!” Beth jabbed Dakota in the arm.
“Well, you’ve never asked me before. Besides, serves you right. Remember, I did finish my degree in PolSci. I took a lot of extra history courses. History fascinates me.”
“In what way?” Beth was really interested in what Dakota had to say.
“Well, I know you’ve heard all this before, but I remember reading several stories written by nurses who had wished to become doctors, even surgeons. They were having a difficult time breaking into the good old boys’ club. The universities thought they weren’t smart or strong enough to handle the courses or the actual work. When the war broke out, there was a shortage of doctors, and this gave women a way to gain actual experience in the field hospitals. Now, not many doctors would train them to do surgical procedures, but there were a few who were so overwhelmed by the sheer number of casualties that were pouring in, they were willing to train anyone who had any type of medical experience.”
“Keep going, you’re doing great.”
“These doctors would teach these nurses one or two procedures at the most, sometimes leaving them alone for hours without supervision. One account told of this nurse who was taught how to do leg amputations from the knee down. At the end of three days, there was a stack of limbs approximately five feet tall from all the amputations she had completed. Other accounts tell about women caring for men who were left dying on the battlefield.” Dakota stopped there. Her head slumped and a tear eased down her face.
Neither woman spoke for a few minutes. Beth’s hand never left Dakota’s arm.
When Dakota finally stirred, Beth questioned, “Voices again?”
“That, and memories. One day. I promise.”
Beth reached over and stroked Dakota’s cheek. “When you’re ready, I’ll be here.”
“Thanks.”
“So, wha
t shall we do next?”
A few thoughts came to Dakota’s mind, but she closed that door quickly lest she say something that would get her in trouble. “What about you? What’s your favorite time in American history? And I expect this to be good, especially coming from an American history teacher!”
“Believe it or not, it’s World War II.”
“Really? Now I know you’re pulling my strings.”
“Let me finish. Specifically, Pearl Harbor. I had a great uncle die there. Not on the USS Arizona, but on one of the other ships, the USS Oklahoma, Battleship #37. He was one of over four hundred men to die on that ship alone. At least nine, if not more, torpedoes hit the Oklahoma that day. So, I dove into the history of the ship, wrote numerous papers about it, and by having that little piece of history in my family, it brings me closer to the events, the actual battle.” She stopped there. She knew she’d gone too far. “Oh, Dakota, I’m so sorry.”
Tears were streaming down Dakota face. “It’s okay,” Dakota sniffled. “I need to learn to handle these things better, and what better way than with a dear friend?”
“Thanks You always try to make me feel better when it should be me trying to comfort you. Can I do anything for you? Get you anything?”
“No, really, I’m fine. Just old stuff coming to the surface. I better head home. It’s getting late.”
“Are you sure? I have a guest room you could use tonight if you like.” Beth was hoping she would say yes, but praying she would say no, because there is no way she could stand to be that close to Dakota and not hold her. And Dakota looked as if she really needed to be held tonight.
Dakota got up off the couch. “I’ll be fine, really. Thanks for another lovely evening.”
“You are always welcome here.” Beth walked Dakota to the door and kissed her cheek goodnight. Beth watched her walk to the Jeep and drive away. Something had to give.
* * * * *
Journal Entry #751
I had to leave Beth’s sooner than I wanted because of the voices and feeling like shit. We started talking about war. I know I can’t handle talking about that right now. She makes me feel comfortable. I want to be open and honest with her, not shut her out, but some things must remain locked away, at least for now. Time will tell if I’m ever able to open up to her.
Really looking forward to meeting with Janie and talking about Beth.
My mind is jumbled. Not staying focused. Some jerk cut me off today in the Jeep. I screamed bloody murder at him and gave him the finger. I had to pull over and take a few minutes to calm down. If people knew how close others are to blowing a fuse, they wouldn’t pull stunts like that. There are some out there that can’t be bothered. I’m glad Oregon is not an open-carry weapon state. I would probably have shot some stupid asshole off the face of the earth.
Roger, out.
CHAPTER SIX
Beth looked intently at the man standing next to her in the grocery store checkout line. Finding her voice, “Excuse me, but I think I know you from somewhere.”
He smiled and said, “I recognized you right away, but didn’t want to say anything. I used to work with Will. You’re Beth, right? Will’s wife? I’m Allen.” The gentleman extended his hand for Beth to take.
“I remember you now. You and Will were great friends, often playing golf on the weekends.”
Allen smiled that she had indeed remembered him. “Great memory. So, how are you doing? You look fantastic, by the way!”
Beth blushed. It had been a while since she had received a compliment from a man. “Thank you. How are you and Cindy doing these days?”
“We’re divorced. She met a much younger man she couldn’t live without, so…”
“Oh, Allen, I’m sorry.”
“No need to be, it was for the best.” Nervously, Allen questioned, “This may sound a little forward, but how about dinner and a drink one night?”
As she placed her groceries on the checkout belt, she noticed his eyes. “Not as beautiful as Dakota’s,” she thought. “Where did that come from”’ “That sounds really nice. Do you still have our, I mean my number? It hasn’t changed since Will died.”
Allen pulled out his wallet for a piece of scratch paper. “Why don’t you give it to me just in case.”
She gave him the number. “I really look forward to the call. Nice to see you again, Allen.”
“You too, Beth. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“I’m going on a date,” Beth said she walked to her car. “Oh my God, a real date, wait till I tell Dakota. She’s going to be just as surprised as I am.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Tuesday morning was upon them and Dakota sat in Janie’s office, her legs bouncing uncontrollably. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t stop shaking.”
Janie laughed. “Just go with it. Don’t worry, it doesn’t bother me. Tell me, what’s been going on this week?”
This was how they always started, Janie asking about her week. “I’ve been out a couple of times. Met a new friend, Beth. I had dinner with her a couple of nights ago, even told her some of the things I’ve been through with the voices. She didn’t run or shy away.”
“I’m impressed by both you and her. I know how hard it is for you to make friends. So tell me, what’s she like?”
“She’s a widow, has two grown children, and she teaches American history at PSU.” Dakota sat there staring at Janie, who patiently waited for Dakota to continue. “Ah dammit, she’s really nice, beautiful, and fun to be with.”
Janie studied her for a moment. “How does she feel about your issues?”
“Like I said, she took what I had to say rather easily. She goes out of her way to put me at ease. No one but you and Val have ever done that before. I think I like having her as a friend, if I can keep my feelings for her under control.”
“Breathe, Dakota. Are you attracted to her?”
Dakota didn’t want to admit it. “Yeah, unfortunately. She stirs something deep inside that I haven’t felt for a very long time. I thought it was dead and buried. One night stands are fine for some things, but this is different.”
“How so?”
“She’s straight! I’ve never been attracted to a straight woman before.”
Janie laughed out loud. “Take your time, Dakota. Be her friend. Sounds like she needs one too.” Janie changed the subject. “Have you been going to any meetings? Getting out of the house other than to see Beth?”
Flatly, she said, “No.”
“Then go out one night with her. Take her to a restaurant. Go to a movie, something. Give her time. She just might surprise you.”
“Thanks, Janie.”
“Tell me what else is going on.”
Dakota sat there and thought for a minute. “I’m confused and struggling right now with the voices. I feel like my head is under water and I’m not worth saving.”
“This is natural for where you are in your recovery right now. Now that you are talking more about things, it will get better.”
They sat there quietly for minutes, Janie patiently waited for her to say something. “These voices in my head should be banned.”
Janie asked, “Tell me again, what they are saying?”
“Same things, over and over and over. Stop taking my meds, that I should just kill myself and kill as many people as I can when I do, I don’t deserve to live, Shell did, I shouldn’t be alive, no one loves me. Hide, someone’s watching me. Want me to go on?”
“No, I’ve got the idea.” Dakota rarely mentioned Shelby these days. Just the sound of his name made Janie remember the funny little name he called her, and it shook her to her core. “Take them with a grain of salt. Remind yourself that what they are saying is not true.”
“It’s not that easy when you spend all day by yourself. Thoughts and memories repeat over and over in my head and are too much to bear. Last night I couldn’t breathe or even move. At one point, I didn’t even know where I was. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I t
ell you, I’m fucking crazy!”
“You’re not crazy. You are a survivor.” Janie paused and studied Dakota closely. “Let’s end for today. We’ll meet again on Thursday. Sound like a plan?” She needed to end the session as much as Dakota did. Her own feelings were starting to spin out of control, thinking about Shelby. And Dakota looked spent, having reached her limit for the day too.
They stood and hugged each other. “See you Thursday, Janie.”
“You did good today.”
“Thanks.” Dakota walked quickly down the hall to the bathroom. She made it just in time to throw up. She hadn’t told Janie of this latest development. She would have to face that demon another day. The voices hounded her once again. ‘You little piece of shit! Damn you! Don’t think you can get rid of us that easy! You could if you would just kill yourself. No one would miss you, not even us. Run! Someone’s watching.’ She heaved again and again, until there was nothing left.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Beth and Allen met at a little Mexican restaurant for their first date. On a Wednesday night, the restaurant wasn’t very crowded, so they could actually hear each other over the music playing in the background. This was her first real date with anyone since Will died, and Beth was nervous. There had been a few other dates with men, but not like this. She was attracted to Allen, in a physical and intellectual sense.
Their conversation was light and easy; they laughed often, and shared stories about their children. They were comfortable with each other. Not wanting to get into great detail about her life on the first date, she asked Allen a lot of questions about himself. He was easy to talk to. Sensing she didn’t want to discuss serious issues, he asked simple questions about her life. He was definitely interested in her, in both a physical and intellectual way.
Their dinner of fajitas and margaritas arrived, and they talked about work. Allen was an architect specializing in large office buildings, whereas Will had specialized in industrial complexes that were being renovated into living quarters. Allen’s work was not too exciting, but he really enjoyed designing.