by Karen Baker
Minutes passed. Time was standing still for Dakota. She was back on the base, holding Shell. Muffled noises surrounded her, cries of her fellow marines echoed in her ears from far away, and the voices in her head screamed. ‘Do you really think you should have survived and not Shell? He was a much better person. You should have been the one who died over there. Worthless piece of shit, you are. Get it over with now. Stop the pain.’ “I’m trying to!” she thought to herself. She didn’t know what to do. “Janie, I’m lost. I can’t hold on much longer. I need…to do something. I’m just not sure what to do any more. The voices…they’re out of control.” She lowered her head to her knees again, and covered her ears with her hands.
“I’m right here. I’m with you. Dakota? Dakota? Look at me. Come back to me. Breathe, just breathe through it. Dakota?” Janie was really concerned. This wasn’t like Dakota not to return to the present. She wouldn’t even look at Janie. Usually, it only took the sound of her voice to bring Dakota back, but she wasn’t responding today. For Dakota to freely tell her the story about Shell, something serious must be happening inside of her. Janie feared the worst, that telling the story triggered Dakota’s PTSD, and another serious psychotic break.
Eventually, Dakota straightened up. She swiped the tears off her cheek. “I’m okay.”
Janie didn’t buy it. “What’s going on inside that head of yours? I can see the wheels turning. You’re planning something. Tell me.”
“Nothing.”
“Dakota, don’t shut down now. Have you been taking your meds? You were doing so well. Dakota? Focus on my voice. Come back to me.”
“Sorry. Just…voices…so loud…can’t think straight.” She shook her head trying to shake out the voices. She stared at Janie. “I’m so sorry; there was nothing I could do to save him. He bled out so fast…and I wasn’t trained...”
“I know. I’m glad he was with his best friend when he died. Thank you for finally telling me. And I’m sorry, too, that you had to go through that, but Dakota, you survived. You’re alive. You have a life to live now, with someone you love with all your heart, and lots to give back to the world. I wish you could see that. I see it. You need to move on with your life.” Janie studied her. She had more questions about Shell’s death, but she knew that Dakota was not up to it today. The questions would have to wait. Besides, she had waited seven and a half years for even this much out of Dakota; she could wait a little longer.
Dakota stood up, her face ashen. “I need some fresh air. I have to get out of here.”
As she headed for the door, Janie called out to her, “Please don’t do anything stupid, Dakota.”
She just nodded and hurried out of the office. She had to get out of there. She couldn’t breathe. Her breathing exercises had never failed before, but she was finding it harder and harder lately, and today was just too much. As she reached her Jeep, she stepped in front of it and threw up. The voices still taunted her, louder than before, drowning out all noise. She felt like there was no escape this time. Jumping in the Jeep, she peeled out of the parking garage and headed home. She needed some alone time, time to think about what to do. She knew what she needed to do, but was scared. The voices were winning. She weaved in and out of traffic, cursing at the other drivers. Clearly, she shouldn’t be driving right now, but she didn’t care. All she wanted to do was to get back to the comfort of her safe haven, her home.
She pulled into the driveway and cut the engine. Leaning against the steering wheel, hot tears seared her face. She had never cried so hard. Her body shook and her chest hurt. The physical pain was too much to bear, let alone the emotional agony she was going through. She sat there in the Jeep for about an hour, until she thought she was all cried out. She wiped away the last tear from her face. Chuckling to herself about being such a wimp, she headed toward the house to face Beth. Dakota was grateful that Beth hadn’t come outside to see her cry like this. Beth had given her time to regain her composure before she went in. She was ready now for what she had to do, but she wasn’t looking forward to it.
As she walked into the house, Beth was sitting on the couch reading. “I thought that was you out there. Everything okay?”
Dakota plopped down on the couch beside Beth. “Just needed some time to collect myself. I told Janie what happened to Shell today. It was very emotional for both of us. I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of emotions from either of us.”
Beth sat there quietly, just listening to her. She let Dakota do the talking. “Thank you for not intruding on my space outside. I just needed time. Beth, the voices are out of control. I’m scared. They’ve never been this loud before. I’m not sure what to do.”
“I know you won’t take your meds, but at least think about taking something right now to help, even if it’s just a one-time thing. Please?”
“Okay, but just once. I think I could use the help right now.”
Beth went to the medicine cabinet for the Haldol. This was the ‘as needed’ medicine. She took one out, headed back to the living room, and handed it to Dakota. “Thank you.”
Dakota swallowed the pill with a swig of Beth’s water. She looked up at Beth. There were tears in her eyes. “Hey, what’s wrong, sweetheart?”
Beth sat back down on the couch. “Just scared. When you’re sad, I’m sad, when you’re stressed, I’m stressed, and when you’re happy, I’m happy. Right now, we’re both scared.”
Dakota reached for her hand. “I know, but we’ll get through this. It shouldn’t take long for the Haldol to kick in, and things will even out. It’ll be okay.”
Beth leaned into her. She could only hope.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Days later, the voices were still nagging her, along with Beth. “What do you want from me, Beth?” she yelled.
Beth studied her lover. Keeping her voice low and calm, “I want you to do the right thing and take the meds like you’re supposed to.”
“Dammit, Beth, I don’t give a fuck! I’m not taking the meds! They slow me down!” Dakota was screaming at the top of her lungs. She didn’t care. She wasn’t about to take the meds for any reason.
“Fine! Act like a damn child if you want!” Why was she screaming? She hadn’t done anything but ask Dakota to take her meds. She reacted as if Dakota were blaming her for something.
Dakota grabbed her wallet and keys from the top of the dresser. “I’m leaving!”
“Where are you going? Please don’t walk away from me. Don’t leave like this,” Beth was pleading with Dakota.
Dakota stormed out the front door. “Just leave me the fuck alone!” And with that, she was gone.
Beth waited all day for her to return, but it was getting late and dark. She needed to talk to someone. It was eight o’clock that night when Beth finally called Janie at home. “Janie, it’s Beth. I’m worried about Dakota. We had a big fight this morning about her not taking her medications and she took off in the Jeep. I’m scared. I’ve never seen her so angry. Where could she be?” she was talking extremely fast.
Janie could hear the worry in Beth’s voice. “Slow down a little and breathe. She’s done this before to me. She took off for three days one time. Scared me to death. When she returned, she told me she went to the woods to clear her head. Sounds like that’s what she might have done. She feels safe in the woods. She’ll be back.” Janie was even trying to convince herself this time.
Beth paced back in forth in the kitchen. “But we’ve never really fought like that before. She was so very angry. Do you really think she’s okay? I think she hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you. She’ll be fine. She’ll collect her thoughts and feelings, come home, and apologize for leaving. You’ll see.”
“Okay. I really don’t have much else to go on.” She wasn’t sure that she believed Janie, but Janie had never lied to her before.
* * * * *
She had retreated to her safe place. The only place where she could sit and think and be by herself. She had brought Bet
h here early on in their friendship. It was a special place, the woods. She felt comfortable here.
Dakota set up the tent she kept in the Jeep. Not knowing how long it was going to take to clear her head this time, she made herself at home. She hated the feeling of being mad at Beth, or having Beth mad at her. There was no use for these feelings. But dammit, she couldn’t give in and take the meds. She just knew that they weren’t helping, so why take something that wasn’t doing any good and caused serious side effects. A house divided. And about the stupidest thing. Medication. There were other things to be upset about, but Beth was fighting mad over the medications. There was no common ground. Even Janie sided with Beth. Couldn’t they see what the meds were doing to her?
“If she can’t believe in me to do the right thing…but then who decides what the right thing is? I know she has a valid point, and I can understand her point, but no one is listening to me when I say it’s not right for me. The meds just aren’t working for me, they cause too many side effects, and they drug me out. There is no good solution. I don’t think they will ever find the right combination. Well, I can’t figure it out tonight.”
She unrolled the sleeping bag and crawled in, even though there was still light outside. She needed sleep. She was always tired, with or without the medication. The fight played over and over in her head before exhaustion finally took over.
The next morning, there still was no decision made. She just couldn’t give in and take the meds. She didn’t think through walking out very clearly. Almost all of her gear was still at the house. Dakota would head into town for a few provisions to make it through a couple of days. And if nothing got resolved in a few days’ time, she would go home and try to figure out what to do. Right now though, she needed to calm down and think about how to apologize to Beth about walking out.
She picked up a couple of drinks and a few sandwiches at a mini-market and headed back out to the woods. If anything, it felt good to be outside. She needed a break. After the suicide attempt, Beth and Janie hadn’t left her alone. With them constantly on her heels, she never got time to be alone. She could understand their concern, but she still needed her space.
After her parents had died, she spent quite a bit of time outside in these woods. They grounded her. It’s not as if she needed to grieve, she just needed to get away from the world for a while. She had taken time to heal from the hurt her parents had caused her in her childhood. There was a lot to heal from. With the pain her father had inflicted, and as useless as her mother had been during that time, she’d had a bit of forgiving to do. After a week in the woods, she returned to the Corps better than when she had left. She was younger then and could recover faster, but then again, nothing really touched her as deeply as Beth did. Beth shook her to her core. And having Beth mad at her was more difficult than anything she had experienced before. She hated that feeling. She could deal with almost anything the world held against her, except having Beth mad at her.
Well, if Beth wanted to be mad at her, then she was going to have Beth really mad at her. She might as well stay out here until she figured out what to do.
The voices continued to overwhelm her. She let them have their run. Dakota didn’t try to stop them. Day and night, they haunted and taunted her, never letting her forget her shortcomings. At times, she couldn’t decide who was in charge, her or the voices.
* * * * *
Four days later, Beth heard the Jeep pull into the driveway. “She’s home!” She jumped up, headed to the door, flung it open, and ran to her lover. Taking Dakota’s face in her hands, she said, “Please, don’t ever leave me like that again.” Then Beth did something that neither woman expected, Beth punched Dakota hard in the arm.
“Oh, God, Beth I love you so very much. I promise, but I had to get away, just to let the voices say their piece.” Dakota took her in her arms and kissed her.
They walked hand in hand back into the house. “Tell me, where did you go?”
“Remember where we had the picnic? I go there a lot, just to think.” She ran her hand through her hair. “I needed to get away before I did something stupid. After the fight we had, the voices got worse. I needed to be alone. Please don’t be mad at me.”
“Dakota, I’m not mad, just sick with worry. Are they any better?”
“No, but I can’t take the meds, I just can’t. Try to understand. I hate not being in control of myself and the drugs make me feel horrible. I can’t do it anymore.”
Beth studied her for a minute. “So, what do we do now? You won’t take the meds, but the voices are too much to handle. Did you work anything out?”
“Yeah, I think I did. I think I know what I need to do.”
“Care to share it with me?”
“Not right now.”
“I can’t believe you actually ran out on me.” Beth was angry now. “Why did you leave?”
Not able to look up at Beth, Dakota said, “I was upset at the situation, not you. You hounding me with questions, and wanting answers that I couldn’t give. I couldn’t take the meds then, and I can’t take them now. Please try to understand. I’m so sorry for running out on you. That’s not like me, but the walls were closing in on me.”
Beth’s mood turned serious. “You can’t walk out on me, on us. The damage you do to our relationship is for more serious than talking or arguing about things. I would rather you stay and face a situation than run from it. We are much better as a team than we are individuals. Please don’t walk out on me or us, again.” Beth’s hackles were coming down. She couldn’t stay mad at Dakota. And she was trying hard to understand Dakota’s reasoning. Being with Dakota was a test in patience, one she was mastering.
“I’ll do my best, I promise. And you’re right; we do better as a team.” Dakota reached for Beth again. “I could use a shower. Care to join me?”
“Thought you would never ask. Besides,” Beth leaned closer and sniffed, “you stink! I think you may need some help getting clean.”
Dakota chuckled. “Oh, you think so? Well, I could use a back scrub. And I’m sure there are other places that you could clean, too.”
Beth grinned. “Lead the way, stinky!”
Dakota slapped her ass and pushed her towards the bedroom, both of them giggling all the way.
There were things Dakota needed to do around the house, but she would get to that later. Right now she just wanted to love Beth, show her how much she loved her, and how much Beth meant to her. Their lovemaking continued well into the night.
Falling asleep with Dakota back in her arms, well, Beth was content and happy. This is where she belonged, in the arms of the woman she was in love with.
* * * * *
Journal Entry #1111
This journal entry is for anyone who happens to read this. I’m sorry. I can’t wait any longer. Things were supposed to be better by now, but things are worse. I can’t take it any longer. Please tell Beth that my thoughts are of her. I know this will be extremely hard on her, but not as hard as it has been on me. I’ve always been a fighter, until now. The feelings of guilt are too overwhelming. The voices are nonstop. Nothing will ever change. I know what I must do. Please forgive me. I love you, Beth.
Roger. Over. Out.
CHAPTER FORTY
It had been days since Janie had heard from Dakota. Her cell phone rang, she looked at the number, and it was Dakota’s. “Dakota?”
“The voices have won today, Janie.” Dakota was silent on the other end.
Janie knew she was going to have to lead this conversation. “What can we do right now to stop them? How bad are they, Dakota? On a scale of one to ten?”
“Janie, no use, too loud! They’re too fucking loud! Can’t think straight any more. They’ve won!” Dakota was yelling at her.
“What do you mean by that? You’ve never let them win before.” Silence. “Where are you, Dakota? Are you at home? Is Beth there?”
Dakota answered in a softer tone of voice, “I’m by myself, with the voices. I
’m somewhat at peace, finally.”
“Okay, Dakota, you’re scaring me. Tell me where you are so I can get someone out to help you.”
A smile crossed Dakota’s lips. Yes, the voices had finally won, and her suffering was coming to an end. “Too late for that, Janie. There are notes all around the house, and in the mail. I don’t think…I’ve forgotten anyone.”
“Dammit, Dakota, where the fuck are you? You need to tell me right now! Please, I can’t lose you too!”
“Don’t worry about me…I’m already gone. But please, I beg you, please help Beth. She’s not ready for this…I can’t take anymore. Let her know…that my last thoughts…were of her.”
“Oh, God, Dakota, please don’t do this to me! I can’t lose you too! You’re like my own daughter.” Tears flowed freely down Janie’s face. She knew that there would be no way to reach Dakota. Her mind was made up.
“A mentally ill, sick daughter…that’s not what you want…sorry, but it’s time.”
“What are you going to do, Dakota?”
“Already done…drugs…nice and easy…not much left…to clean up…I’m almost free, Janie…don’t you see that? I’m almost free!”
“Please tell me where you are? I won’t stop you; I just don’t want you to die alone.”