Yes, but not without the crippling anxiety that almost makes me want to turn back to the comfort of my own home. The security that those walls provide is something I will never be able to explain and every action of stepping outside my comfort zone is excruciatingly hard, yet I force myself to do it. I have to do it because I can't let myself go backwards. I want to be able to do things with Simon and our baby and play with Maddie in the park.
Every day is a struggle, but one I need to fight.
Walking out of the bathroom, I canceled the alarm on my cell with only moments to spare. I grabbed my robe and wrapped it around me, heading for the kitchen. I needed coffee, real coffee, the kind that smelt delicious and trickled down my throat, giving me a much needed boost of energy to start the day. Instead, I reached for the decaf, the ‘organic’ blend Simon had so kindly brought for me.
Armed with my cup of flavorless tar (well, it tasted like it) and the newspaper, I sat in my recliner which overlooked the window out into the back garden. Maybe I'd even venture outside today and do some gardening.
Who was I kidding? I'd spend the day lying on the sofa, reading a book or two and probably gorging myself with the chocolate hidden at the back of the pantry (thanks Cass).
Simon had gone all food Nazi on me since we’d discovered I was pregnant. For now that was okay, because he was away so much of the day working, I could still enjoy my little treats from my hidden stash. The paranoid part of me relocated the stash every few days, for fear of him finding it. If only he knew how much junk I was eating each and every day.
Did I feel guilty when we sat down to our dinner of grilled fish and stir fried vegetables?
Hell no, he was probably eating as much junk as I was when he was at work and I was sure he didn’t feel guilty about it, so why should I? Besides, I’m sure I read somewhere the benefits of eating chocolate when pregnant.
Flicking on the TV, I ran through the channels until I found something acceptable to watch, if you could call General Hospital acceptable. It took me all of five minutes to figure out who was doing who and who was hiding what life changing secret from who, when the doorbell rang. Shows like this I could tune into once a month and still get into the story, so this was an unwelcomed distraction.
"Em!" Cass's muffled voice yelled. "Let me in!" I heaved myself off the sofa, annoyed at having to drag myself away from my new favorite show, to let her in. What was the point to giving her a key if she was going to make me answer the door anyway? That kind of defeated the purpose.
"What are you doing?" she asked, her hand on her hip as she surveyed me, confused.
"Nothing, why?" I had no idea what she was on about.
"Did you forget?" she asked, rolling her eyes. Forget what?
Oh shit, that's right, my appointment. Simon was going to meet me there because coming back to get me would've eaten too far into his day. We had arranged last week with Cass for her to pick me up.
"I completely forgot," I muttered, ready to blame the pregnancy hormones again as I reached up to scratch my head. "Give me five minutes." I said, pushing her to the living room. “Why don’t you use your key?” I added, rolling my eyes.
“I forgot it,” she said defensively, "get ready and take your time, I'm early anyhow."
“So put it on your key ring, with your car keys. That’s what it’s for, you dickhead,” I muttered as I walked down the hallway. Where did she keep her own house key, in her sock drawer?
Back in the bedroom, I pulled on a pair of elastic waisted jeans and a long sleeved tunic. Running a brush through my hair, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were puffy, my skin was pale and my hair was in need of a good wash.
God, I looked like shit. I thought pregnancy was supposed to leave you glowing, not looking like you just crawled out of a drain pipe.
"Why haven't you unpacked yet?" Cass called out.
"Because, I'm pregnant and Simon won't let me lift anything," I replied loudly. I walked back into the living room and rolled my eyes at Cass, who'd made herself at home, lying on the sofa eating my homemade cookies.
"These are pretty good," she admitted, between mouthfuls. “You look like shit,” she added, grinning at me.
"You sound surprised and thanks," I laughed. She knew how much I loved to cook. She shrugged, shoving the last of the cookie in her mouth before standing up and brushing crumbs onto the floor.
"Thanks Cass," I sighed. She looked at me innocently, her hands turned upwards as if to say ‘what?’
"Come-on, let's get going," I said, grabbing my purse and scarf.
As we walked out to Cass's car, I focused on making it to the passenger door. I glanced up and down the street looking for pedestrians, not wanting to put myself in the position where our paths might cross. Looking at me, you'd never know I was agoraphobic. I still used the term myself, because in my mind that’s what I was until I no longer felt the anxiety and stress when I left the house.
If I couldn’t go out alone, then I wasn’t over it.
I was getting better at putting on a front. Even people that should know me well enough were fooled into thinking how far I'd come, like my mother and my father. I think that it made them feel better about themselves and our relationship if I was successfully working through my issues.
There were some people I couldn't fool though, like Simon and Cass. If I spent all day, every day, outside I still couldn't trick either of them into believing I was better. Now with this pregnancy, I had a whole new set of things to worry about, like whether I was actually even going to be a mother or not. There were so many things that could go wrong, it was hard not to focus on the negative.
Since Derek was killed, my nightmares had subsided, but it was like my mind had replaced one set of worries for another. All the time and effort I'd spent worrying about Derek and his release were now put into worrying about this baby, worrying about whether I could be the wife and mother that this baby, Simon and Maddie deserved and worrying about everything in general.
For ten years I'd been so sure that all my problems centered around Derek and my attack and while I'm sure they played a big part in shaping my anxiety and the way I dealt with things, the fact was there was never going to be an end or a magic fix. There was always going to be something for me to focus on, something to turn around in my mind, something to drive myself crazy with. That was the biggest thing I needed to comprehend, I was never going to be better. The best outcome for me was to learn how to manage my anxieties.
Dealing with my agoraphobia felt like a double edged sword. On one side, I was gaining control of my life by not letting it beat me, but on the other side, I felt like I was losing control of the only thing that made sense to me.
Confusing right? The only way I would improve, was to work through the issues behind the symptoms. That’s all this all was when you broke it down, a symptom.
As I walked down the path toward her car, I forced myself to focus on the good things I noticed, like the smell of rain in the air, the feeling of the wind gently blowing in my hair. Catching Cass glance at me, I gave her a smile.
"I'm okay," I said. She smiled back, words not necessary to show her encouragement.
Simon being away so much for work, meant Cass had stepped up big time to be my support. While Tom and I were still friends, he and Cass being together had affected the dynamics of our relationship. Losing that closeness with Tom was sad, but it had made my relationship with Cass that much stronger, something I hadn’t even known was possible. We’d always shared everything, but now it was like on a completely different level.
It felt weird and awkward to share my deepest and darkest feelings with Tom, when Cass was sharing private information about their relationship with me, information that meant I couldn’t look at Tom sometimes without laughing. Last week Cass had insisted on telling me all about the fantasy she and Tom had played out. Let’s just say it involved nipples, shaving cream and a sizeable dildo.
That girl had no shame.
I stepped off the sidewalk and made my way around the car, my hand never losing contact with the shiny metallic surface of the car. Once I reached the door, I quickly opened it and climbed inside, locking the door, my throat constricting as I fought to breathe.
Focus Em. You did it. You made it.
Breathing heavily, I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself. Part one of this outing complete.
Chapter Three
Emma
The clinic was only a ten minute drive from our house, across from the beach and just up from the mall. It was only my second time here. My Obstetrician was a lovely woman named Teresa Lewis who had come highly recommended to us by Doctor Lazonski, a friend of Simon's we had been seeing when we lived back in the city.
Once we had ‘officially’ moved, it made more sense for a local clinic, especially considering the high risk of my pregnancy. My appointments were every two weeks and so far everything was going well. That didn't stop the niggling worry in the back of my mind. There was a part of me that was just waiting for everything to go wrong. Things felt so right and that was a feeling I wasn't used to. Things never went this well, not for me anyway.
When Simon and I first discovered we were pregnant, it had been a shock to say the least. I was attacked as a child and it had left my insides pretty messed up. I'd been told by numerous specialists that I'd never be able to have children. That had been something that had cut me deep, because like most girls, I'd wanted to be a mother someday.
Having that taken away from me had been one of the worst things about the attack. Not to take away from the horrific things I experienced during my three day abduction, but to some degree at least, I was able to get past what happened to me, but not being able to have children was like this constant reminder to me of what he’d taken.
Then I found out I was pregnant.
Getting that chance, but having to wait forty weeks to see if my dream was going to be realized was cruel, especially since both doctors had told me I had a twenty percent chance of carrying this baby to full term without complications.
Every day that passed those odds increased slightly, but to be honest even ninety-nine percent wouldn’t relax me. I wouldn't relax until I was holding my baby in my arms and who was I kidding, even then I'd find something to worry about. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt truly relaxed.
Cass pulled into the parking lot behind the hospital.
"I'll let you out at the front, so you don’t have to walk," Cass offered. I shook my head.
"No, its fine," I smiled, the idea of walking in there by myself made me feel sick. All those people just staring at me, not to mention thinking up things to say to the receptionist. And what if someone sat down next to me? I'd have to-
The vibration interrupting my thoughts and I dug my phone out of my pocket. I was expecting it to be Simon and I was right. Uneasiness ran through me, he had better not be calling to tell me he couldn't make it. There was no way in hell I was going in alone. Even going in with Cass would be hard, because she wasn't Simon.
"Hello?" I answered nervously, glancing around the parking lot for his car.
"Hey sugar, I'm here, where are you?"
"Out the back, finding a space to park," I said, relief crashing through me. My light-headedness began to subside as the thumping in my chest returned to normal. "Can you check me in?"
"Already done. See you in a minute," he chuckled.
We walked silently toward the entrance, I could see Simon standing there waiting for us, his hands shoved into his pockets and his purple tie loosened against the charcoal backdrop that was his shirt. His expression broke into a smile as he caught sight of us.
Fuck, he was gorgeous. Seeing Simon standing there, leaning against the wall in his work clothes made me imagine the sexy body that hid underneath. I flicked my lip as I thought about him, naked and in front of me. Like last night, when my hands had roamed every inch of that hard body. I smiled dreamily at the memory. No loss of libido here.
"How are you?" he asked, wrapping his arms around me, smiling.
"I'm okay,” I answered. "How's work?" I asked, tilting my face upwards for a kiss. He cradled my face with his hand, his thumb stroking under my eye as his lips met mine. His touch sent tingles down my spine.
"Busy, I can't wait to transfer actually." He looked tired which was not surprising, considering he was averaging about three hours of sleep a night. That was another thing I worried about him driving so far on such little sleep. God forbid if he forgot to text me when he got to work. That had happened once, three weeks ago I called a cab to drive past his work and check his car was in the parking lot.
"I can't wait to have you home more either, if you know what I mean," I grinned, meeting his lips for a kiss. Cass snorted next to me. I blushed, forgetting for a moment that she was there.
"Alright if I go?" she asked dryly. She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before heading back through the parking lot. “Text me later!” she shouted.
"How've you been today? How's bean?" He brushed his hand past my stomach. "You're getting bigger every time I see you," he joked.
"Careful," I laughed. "That's not a smart thing to say to a girl."
"You know what I mean," he said, shaking his head. "I love how round your stomach is starting to get and you know how turned on I get when I see you naked," he whispered softly. That was true. Simon had become extra frisky since I'd become pregnant, if that were even possible. There were many times I forgot our significant age difference, but there were also times that it seemed to hit me in the face, like last night.
Simon had a lot of baggage from his previous relationship and while I know I had my own issues, sometimes I felt like a young inexperienced girl who, when it came down to it, knew nothing about real life. How much could I have really learned being holed up in my own environment for ten years? Sure, I had my own experiences, but when it came to our relationship I didn’t feel like they mattered.
“You ready to go in? If we stay out here any longer I might end up getting arrested for public indecency,” he joked, his hand creeping up the inside of my shirt. Smiling, I gripped his hand and pulled it down to a more appropriate area for daylight groping, my thigh.
“Behave,” I laughed, kissing him.
We sat down in the waiting room, Simon choosing a seat second from the end. As I sat down next to him, I smiled at how well he knew me. Sitting on the end with Simon next to me was like a little mini protector against the rest of the world. I didn't have to worry about anyone sitting next to me, or focusing any of my attention on anyone other than me and him. Things like that he always thought of. Anyway he could make things easier for me, he would.
"Emma Mancelli?"
I looked up and saw Teresa Lewis waiting by the desk, smiling warmly. She had that kind of personality that when she smiled you couldn't help but smile back. We both stood up, Simon's hand resting on the crest of my back in a silent show of support. We followed her into her examination room and sat down on the chairs that faced the large oak desk.
"How have you been Emma?" she asked as she made her way around the desk. Her long blonde hair was pulled back into a bun today, different from the way she usually wore it cascading down her back. She was a petite woman, who at a guess I’d place in her early thirties.
"Good. I feel fine, apart from the tiredness and a few cramps," I replied, my heart pounding. I hated doctors and hospitals. Anything clinical I found it difficult to cope with. I waited nervously as she tapped a few notes into her laptop. Simon nudged me, giving me a look that said ‘if you don’t tell her, I will’ I sighed.
“Simon called the ambulance last night because I was having some pretty bad cramps again,” I finally admitted. Teresa raised an eyebrow at me.
“You weren’t going to mention that to me?” she chastised.
“They said I was fine,” I protested.
“She’s alone for most of the day and I worry about her,” Simon cut in. Great
, now he was making a huge deal of all this. “What?” he asked, noting my expression, “you would prefer me not to care?” he shot back.
“I’m capable of knowing when I feel unwell, Simon,” I groaned. I couldn’t believe we were having this discussion again. “Do you think I’m stupid enough not to call an ambulance or Cass if something happened?” Simon didn’t answer. Instead, he stared at the floor like a sulking child.
“Okay, kids!” she held up her hand. “Emma, let me check things out.” She stood up, motioning for me to join her over at the examination table. Knowing the procedure well, I lay down on top of the thin layer of tissue paper and peeled up my top, exposing my belly.
"Well, you're definitely growing," she smiled. I touched my stomach instinctively and smiled back. "You still don't want to know the sex?" she asked, her eyebrow raised.
I looked at Simon, my eyes wide, wishing he’d agree to finding out the gender. I was itching to know what we were having. The priority was a healthy baby and regardless of the sex I’d be one ecstatic mom. Still, deep down inside of me I so desperately wanted a little girl.
I sighed and stuck my tongue out at Simon. If he didn’t want to know then I couldn’t find out because it sucked all the fun out of it for me.
"No," I grumbled, sighing. "Let it be a surprise."
Both she and Simon chuckled at my attitude. I gasped as she squirted some ice cold gel onto my stomach. Why did she never warn me before she did that? It was like she got her kicks, doing that to unsuspecting mothers to be.
Rubbing it in, she put the sonogram stick up against my skin. The loud and furious heartbeat of our baby filled the room. I glanced at Simon, who was now by my side clutching my hand tightly. I stared at the screen trying to make out its sex on my own but I couldn’t even make out which end was the head.
"Everything looks fine," Teresa said, shaking her head in amazement. "You have a very strong baby in there, Emma," she added.
I laughed, already knowing that from the nightly boxing matches that took place in my womb. This baby was definitely going to keep me on my toes. It already got more exercise than I did.
Incredible Beauty (So Many Reasons) Page 2