“There’s no issue with Simon, just with his ex-wife. They’re still so close and I just…I trust him, I do I just don’t know if I trust her.” I hated talking about this. God, I sounded like a psychotic girlfriend. I saw people like me every day, on Judge Judy. This was bad. Next I’d be covering her car in red paint and feathers.
“If you trust Simon, then if she did do something can you trust that he would stop it?” Doctor Nichols raised an eyebrow, his dark brown eyes on me, waiting for an answer.
Damn. He had me there. That was exactly what Cass had said. If I said yes, then what was there to worry about? If I said no, then did I really trust Simon?
“I think maybe I don’t trust his love for me,” I said quietly. My heart began to thump. Saying that aloud to someone, was a huge thing. So many of my thoughts were not fit for human consumption, they should never leave my head.
Once a thought got out, there was no taking it back, no denying it and saying it affected me more than thinking it. I didn’t trust his love for me. I didn’t believe he could love me forever.
“Emma?” I looked up. Doctor Nichols smiled at me. “I think you’ve had a breakthrough here. Do you think Simon can do better than you?”
“Yes,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. And if I think he could do better than me, how long until he realized that? “It’s not just that I think he can do better, its more I don’t see what I have that Claire doesn’t, but I see plenty of things that she has that I don’t.”
“Claire, the ex-wife I’m guessing?” he asked. I nodded. “So he was married, they had a child, they divorced, he met you, you got pregnant, engaged, but you think she still has feelings for him.” He eyed me, waiting for clarification. I nodded, trying to ignore the fact that my life sounded like a soap opera.
“Have you spoken to Simon about how his relationship with Claire makes you feel?”
“No, because how I feel is stupid and irrational and I don’t want to be the girl, who tells her guy, he can’t see so and so because it makes me feel insecure,” I said, staring at the floor.
“I think you should talk to him, Emma. At the very least, it will make him more aware of how his actions toward Claire, make you feel. All this is doing at the moment is causing you unnecessary stress.” He pointed to my stomach “And that’s stress you and your baby don’t need right now.”
He made a lot of sense, but I wasn’t sure that was a conversation I could bring up to Simon.
We chatted for a little bit longer until my half hour appointment was up. Cass contained herself until we were out of the building.
“He was hot!” she hooted loudly, capturing the attention of several passers-by.
“Shh!” I whispered, flushing. She rolled her eyes.
“Come-on Em. You told me yourself you thought he was hot. No point denying it now.”
A cough behind me caused me to turn around.
Oh god no.
I was staring into the eyes of an amused Doctor Nichols. To say I was so, so embarrassed would be an understatement. I tried to speak but my mouth wouldn’t work.
“Excuse me ladies, just popping out for some lunch.” He smiled at me as he squeezed past us. I blushed, trying to ignore the tight knots forming in my stomach. “See you next week, Emma,” he called over his shoulder.
I pulled Cass into the first café we passed.
“Tell me that did not just happen,” I groaned, falling into a seat, covering my face with a menu.
“Oh, that happened, Em. That was a classic!” she giggled. “Oh don’t be so glum, you’re allowed to look at other men, you know!” she shoved me playfully, “I do it all the time!”
“Cass! My psychiatrist probably thinks I’ve got a crush on him now!” I groaned, burying my face in my hands. “This is so embarrassing,” I muttered. How was I going to show my face next week?
“He didn’t seem to be complaining,” Cass giggled, ordering two juices from the waitress who had walked over to us.
“Shut up,” I grumbled. “It’s your fault for going on about how hot he is.”
“He is hot and you said so yourself. Has Simon seen how attractive your new psychiatrist is? I wouldn’t be letting you loose with that for half hour a week,” she laughed. I shook my head, hiding a smile. Would he get jealous if he saw my hot young psychiatrist?
After our drink Cass dropped me back at home. Walking me to the door, she gave me a hug.
“Call me if you need anything, okay?” she asked. I nodded and closed the door.
Damn it was good to be home.
Chapter Nine
Emma
After Cass left, I went to have my usual post lunch nap. Having an excuse to have an afternoon nap was fantastic and what was even better was my nightmares had subsided down to only the occasional one a week. I didn’t dread closing my eyes, because now I had at least a chance of getting a decent night’s sleep. My eyes had barely been closed for a minute when my cell went. I looked at caller ID.
Simon.
“Hello,” I said, my voice clipped, still annoyed at him for asking Claire to come over. I was probably much angrier than I should have been, but not ready to forgive him just yet.
“Hey,” he said warmly, oblivious to my anger. “How are you?”
“I’m fine. I had a visit from Claire this morning,” I added with fake surprise.
“Oh?” Simon said uneasily, I could imagine him squirming in his seat.
“Drop the act Simon, I know you asked her to drop by,” I growled angrily. Why was I so annoyed? I knew the only reason he’d asked her to come past was because he was worried about me, but for some reason I couldn’t let this go.
“Look I’m sorry Em, but I was worried about you. I’m never there and-.”
“Then tell me when you’re arranging for your ex-wife to visit. Or at least give me the chance to organize a babysitter I actually like.” My hand shot to cover my mouth when what I’d said filtered back to my brain. That had come out much harsher than I’d intended.
“Why don’t you just tell me how you really feel, don’t hold back or anything, Emma,” Simon said bitterly.
“Look, I didn’t mean that. You know I like Claire, I just don’t appreciate being treated like a child. I had enough of that from my parents,” I added, my tone less angry now.
That was true. This was exactly the kind of thing I expected my mother to do. I cannot tell you how glad I was when they booked an impromptu six month trip to Europe. They would arrive home just before my due date and I hadn't informed them that my pregnancy was such a high risk. I’m sure they never would’ve have booked the trip had they known, but dealing with mom through all of this would’ve been hell. I’d have taken Claire any day.
“Em, I love you, can we talk about this later?” he pleaded softly.
“Fine,” I sighed, “love you too,” I added, never wanting to end a conversation in a fight. After we hung up, I turned off my cell.
My head still throbbed and I wasn’t sure if it was the conversation with Simon, or the fact that I hadn’t eaten much today, apart from a couple of cookies and my stale breakfast. I wasn’t hungry, in fact, I was the opposite. Feeling nauseated, I decided to try and get down a sandwich at least. Things had gone pretty well when it came to morning sickness. Weeks five through to twelve I’d had pretty constant morning sickness that lasted most of the day. This was the first time since then I’d actually felt sick.
It was only three o’clock and I probably had a few hours until Simon got home. Chances of more visitors today were unlikely. I grabbed two Tylenol and a glass of water and sat on the couch. Opening my laptop, I saw there were a few emails waiting for me. The first was from Maria.
Over the past few months we had been emailing and talking regularly. I was finally beginning to feel like I belonged somewhere. It sounded strange, but I think I felt more comfortable talking to Maria than I did my mom. We had a lot in common and hearing about her and her family…or my family was so interesting. I�
��d spoken to my sisters a few times too.
Hi Emma,
I hope you’re well, I’m glad to hear the pregnancy is going so well. I hope you’re able to relax enough to actually enjoy this special time. There really is no other feeling like being pregnant.
I cannot wait to meet you, Simon and my two little grandchildren. Things here are much the same, work and not much else.
How are the wedding plans going?
All my love,
Maria
I smiled as I read the email. One thing that struck me right away was how she referred to Maddie as her grandchild. I loved that. I knew my parents well enough to know that even though it would be unintentional, they would treat bean different to how they treat Maddie. I clicked on reply.
Hi Maria,
I’m trying my hardest to enjoy these last few months, but it's hard when every bump or cramp scares the hell out of me. It gets easier each day though.
I can’t wait to see you either! Any idea if you are able to get over for the wedding yet? It wouldn’t be the same without you here. I’m looking forward to meeting my sisters too. I always wanted siblings :)
Talk soon,
Love Em xx
The next email was from Mandy. Simon didn’t know this, but Mandy and I had been emailing since four weeks after the attack. I’d mentioned her to Simon last night because I hated doing anything behind his back. Her mother had come by to thank me one day while Simon was out.
We had spoken for over two hours and I’d asked her to pass on my email to Mandy in case she ever needed to talk. I’d received an email from her about a week later. After that first email, we corresponded a few times a week. I think it helped both of us knowing we were not alone. The next step would be for us to meet in person, maybe once a week, but only when she felt ready. Judging from her emails that would be a while.
Emma,
Thank you for your email.
I guess I’m doing okay. I have to force myself to do stuff with my friends and I can’t remember the last time I slept longer than three hours, but compared to how I was a few months ago, I’m great :)
I love hearing about you and the baby. Even when you tell me about how you get nervous and sad, it helps that I’m not alone.
Thanks for helping me.
Mandy
Every email I got from Mandy left me feeling sad. I really felt for her and the childhood she’d lost at the hands of a lunatic who never should’ve been released from jail in the first place. All I felt in her words were hurt and despair. I often worried that she might do something to herself, to the point where I’d spoken to her mom a few times to check that she was okay. I replied to her email, telling her I hoped we could meet face to face soon.
The final email was from Simon. I looked at the time, it had been sent an hour ago, just after our stupid little argument.
Em, I’m sorry. I love you. Forgive your little cute monkey?
Smiling, I replied to his email.
Love you too. More than anything. Of course I forgive you. Xx
Shutting the laptop, I put it on the floor next to me and stretched out on the couch.
The throbbing in my head was worse, to the point where even moving my eyes was painful. Stifling a yawn, I willed myself to sleep just so I could get some relief. Maybe when I woke up it would be gone.
Chapter Ten
Simon
We didn’t argue often, but when we did I hated it.
When I’d asked Claire to check in on her, in the back of my mind I was telling myself what a bad idea it was and that Em was bright enough to see right through it.
Why the fuck would I think she’d be okay with my ex checking up on her?
I got her insecurities toward Claire, I really did. Hell if I had to deal with an ex of Emma’s constantly in the picture I’d have probably lost it by now. Even the thought of another man checking her out sent me into a frenzy.
Sometimes I wondered who the twenty year old was; me or her. Still, I couldn’t turn off the worry. Cass already did so much for us that I hated leaning on her even more. With neither of our families close by at the moment, Claire was my only option.
Like any other fight, I knew it would be short-lived, but I still hated the feeling her being angry at me gave me.
Driving home from work I cursed at the traffic, which was backed up right up onto the freeway. A ten mile drive shouldn’t take nearly an hour to complete.
It was Friday, which meant after this weekend only one more week working in the city. Things would be different from there on in. The past few months had been so stressful on us; losing my job at the University in the wake of my relationship with Em and having to put in extra hours at the DA’s office so they would approve the transfer. From here on, it was about me, Em, our baby and of course Maddie.
There lay the problem. Maddie meant there would always be Claire. I loved Maddie to pieces and would always be there for her, but if I had to choose between my friendship with Claire and Em, it would always be Em. She knew that, right? She had to know that, they both did.
Things between Em and Claire had gotten more strained in the last month when Claire split up with Jason. Claire had become somewhat clingy, always finding excuses to come over, or to call me, usually using Maddie as the excuse. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel something shift in Claire’s feelings toward me, but I was completely and utterly invested in Em and that’s what mattered, right? I never encouraged anything from Claire and I was positive that even if she did have feelings for me she’d never act on them. Maddie was too important to the both of us for her to risk ruining our relationship.
As I guided the car into the garage it struck me that this was one of the last times I would be getting home from work so late. Meetings always added an extra hour onto the workdays later in the week.
Carol met me at the door, meowing, which meant she was hungry. Carol usually did everything she could to avoid contact with me. I could see Em asleep on the couch, so I went into the laundry room to fill Carol’s food bowl. She purred thankfully, scoffing down her food.
Quietly, I crept into the living room. The TV was off and Em was fast asleep. Sitting down on the edge of the coffee table, I stared at her, completely captivated. She was so damn beautiful. She brought forth emotions in me I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling.
I thought I’d known love before I met her, but those feelings were nothing compared to what I felt for this beautiful creature lying in front of me. My heart literally swelled every time I caught sight of her, smelled her, or touched her. Imagining my life without her was impossible because without Em, there was no me. No me worth living, anyway.
Leaning forward, I kissed her cheek. She didn’t stir, which was unusual for her, being such a light sleeper. The years of nightmares had messed up her sleep pattern pretty heavily that even me rolling over in bed was often enough to wake her. It was never just opening eyes awake either. It was jump up in a panic kind of awake.
I reached forth and draped her hand in mine. Her hand was limp. A lump rose into my throat as I knelt down beside her. This wasn’t right.
“Em.” I whispered, shaking her gently. No response. “Em.” I said again, this time louder and with much more urgency. Still nothing. I fumbled for my cell and called 911. My hands shaking so much I could barely press the numbers.
“Hello I need an ambulance now. My fiancée, she’s not breathing. She’s pregnant and she’s not breathing.” I panicked, my mind blank. What the fuck am I supposed to do?
“Sir, what’s your address?” the dispatcher asked clearly and loudly, I rambled off the address while sliding my arm under her neck and back. I gently lifted her down onto the floor, the cell lying beside me on loudspeaker.
“Okay, sir what’s your name? Is she breathing?”
“Simon and no, she has no pulse,” I replied, placing my two middle fingers on her neck. She was still warm. Tilting her head back, I began CPR.
“Okay Simon, I�
��m going to walk you through giving her chest compressions. I’ll be right here with you and the car is less than five minutes away.” I vaguely listened to the dispatcher as I continued with the compressions.
Breathe, breathe, one, two, three.
Breathe, breathe, one, two, three.
“It’s unlocked!” I yelled out as the ambulance officers knocked on the door. Two officers ran into the room. I moved out of their way, watching as they worked on her, her chest rising and falling in tune with the compressions of the officer. A breathing tube was placed down her throat which was then connected to a bag.
Fuck.
Come on Em. I need you.
I ran my fingers through my hair, gripping my hands behind my head, feeling sick. How long had she been like this? If only I’d left work earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have been caught in all the traffic.
“I’ve got a pulse,” one of the officers said to the other. My heart jumped as he began to hook her up to a ventilator before moving her onto the trolley they had carried in. A pulse, she had a pulse.
“Okay, let’s get her out of her now.” He glanced up at me. “Your wife has a pulse, but we need to get her to the hospital ASAP. You can come with us or follow us there.”
“Fiancée.” I corrected numbly. “I’ll follow,” I added, not wanting to slow them down for even a second.
I stood awkwardly out of the way as they wheeled her out of the house on the trolley. The flashing lights of the ambulance had created a buzz in the usually quiet neighborhood. People stood on their doorsteps trying to see what was going on. I quickly locked up the house, jumped in the car and headed for Century hospital. I could hear the faint sound of the ambulance sirens in the distance.
Chapter Eleven
Simon
The drive to the hospital wasn’t far.
Five minutes and twenty-three seconds. Em and I had timed it together one night just in case of an emergency. The only difference between now and then was then we were laughing and joking, but now Em was unconscious and I was a nervous wreck.
Incredible Beauty (So Many Reasons) Page 5