Chapter Fourteen
Simon
I slammed the front door closed, with much more force than was necessary in a bid to let some of my anger out. I'd only agreed to leave her side because the doctors thought having some familiar things around her might help. I’d agreed to drive home, get some sleep and come back with some of her things.
Only there was no way I was going to sleep. And I wasn’t stupid enough to drive on no sleep, so I’d already ordered the cab.
A coma. How the fuck did this happen? I knew things were going too well, I fucking knew it. I unbuttoned my shirt and discarded it on the floor. I probably needed a shower, but I didn’t have time. I grabbed a clean tee shirt and slid it over my head, pulling it down over my chest. Next, I loosened my pants, stepping out of them as they fell to the ground. I shuffled through the clean laundry in the dryer and retrieved a clean pair of boxers and jeans.
The ‘what ifs’ and maybes are tearing me apart. I couldn’t turn off my brain and all it wanted to do was run through all the possible ways I might have avoided this from happening. If only I hadn't have been away from home for so long then maybe we could have caught this before it got this far.
If only, if only, if only!
At least they had a better idea of what they were dealing with now. Technically speaking, Em had suffered a stroke after a small clot had broken off in her stomach and travelled to her brain where it burst. Although the clot was only a small one, there was another much bigger clot sitting in her left temporal lobe, just waiting, like a ticking time bomb. Her body was so weak from the effects of the pregnancy that it had basically just begun to shut down. Until she had more strength surgery wasn’t an option.
With bean still inside of her, surgery wasn’t an option, but delivering the baby this early placed her in danger. They had wanted me to consent to delivering the baby tonight, to give Em the best chance of surviving. And of course I’d said yes because losing Em was not an option. They told me there was a good chance if the baby stayed inside I could lose her too, but that didn’t make me feel any less guilty. I almost felt as though I was trading the life of my baby for Em’s. I swung around and kicked the door with such force my toe began to throb. I couldn't lose her. I needed her too much.
I had to get back to her now. Fuck sleep, fuck everything. What if something happened and I wasn't there to be with her?
Walking into our bedroom I was bombarded with her scent. It was everywhere. Everything in this damn house reminded me of her. I grabbed a handful of items from her closet, as well as her iPod, her perfume and a few other things I knew she’d love and packed them into her overnight bag. Sitting down on the bed, I picked up a framed picture of us. We were hugging and smiling, both of us so happy. It had been the photo we had taken the night we’d gotten engaged. I studied her closely, tracing my finger over her face, her rosy cheeks and her stunning smile.
My phone buzzed interrupting my thoughts, I reached for it, instinctively expecting it to be the hospital with bad news. I sighed with relief when Claire's name lit up the screen.
“Hi.” I sighed, shutting off the lights and grabbing the bag as I headed for the car.
“Where are you?” Claire said, irritated. Shit. Fuck I had forgotten Maddie again.
“God, I’m so sorry,” I groaned, rubbing my face and feeling like the worst father in the world. “It’s Em.”
“What's happening? Is she okay?” Claire said, her voice full of worry.
“They don't know. She's stable at the moment. The first priority is getting our little girl out and then they can work on Em,” I said.
“A girl? Oh Simon!” Clair began to sob. “What happened?” she asked.
“She collapsed. I found her last night when I got home from work. They both have the best chance if the baby is delivered today. Em has a clot on her brain that they need to operate on when she’s strong enough.”
“I-I don’t even know what to say,” Claire stammered, crying. “She didn’t look great yesterday, I should’ve called an ambulance or something.”
“Claire, this isn’t your fault. Em was annoyed at me for asking you to check on her, that’s probably why she seemed off.” I said quietly. Claire was doing the same thing I’d done all night, questioned what she could’ve done to stop this.
“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed softly.
“She's a fighter, Claire. They both are. Do me a favor and don't tell Maddie yet?”
“I won't,” she promised, “call me if you need anything, okay?”
“I will, thanks Claire. Oh shit, Claire!” I almost yelled, trying to catch her attention, “Work. I fucking forgot to call my work.”
“I’ll handle it,” she promised.
“Thanks,” I sighed with relief.
Waiting impatiently, on the sidewalk for the cab, I tried calling Cass. I cursed as the busy signal played into my ear.
Come on Cass, get off the fucking phone.
Slipping my cell back into my pocket, I thought back to yesterday. Our argument played over and over in my mind. It would have taken her so much guts to bring up her feelings about Claire and me.
And what did I do? I shut her down.
I spied the cab, turning the corner into our street. Picking up the bag, I walked off the sidewalk and onto the road, kicking away a stray rock in my stride. The cab pulled to a halt long enough for me to jump in. Slamming the door closed, I directed the driver to take me to the hospital.
Five minutes and twenty-three seconds was all it took, so why the fuck did it feel like five hours?
Finally, the huge structure came into view. I threw a twenty at the driver, telling him to keep the change as we reached the entrance to the hospital. Reaching for my cell, I re-dialed Cass. The damn thing was still busy. How long can a person talk on the phone for? Apparently for Cass, the answer was hours.
Shit.
As I passed the cafeteria, my stomach rumbled. I hadn’t eaten anything since last night. Pushing my hunger aside, I pressed the button for the elevator.
The Intensive Care unit where Emma was being cared for smelled like disinfectant and bleach. The place was depressing with its plain cream walls, aging furniture and cracking paintwork. You think they'd liven up the place a bit with a splash of color or something. A sad looking plant sat in the corner looking neglected and a few outdated paintings hung on the wall. The whole place felt as though they were trying to subconsciously prepare you for death.
Emma was in room two; a private room with a small window that overlooked the parking lot and most of the beach. Machines still covered her and just like before it took all my will not to cry at the sight of her.
I was so determined to be strong for her.
Sitting beside her, I reached out and touched her face, my finger gently caressing her cheek. She looked so peaceful, just like she did every morning when I crept out of bed. Sometimes I would just lay there, before my alarm went off and watch her. That was the only time I could stare at her uninterrupted without her getting all embarrassed about the attention I was giving her. She didn’t understand how breathtaking she was.
Kissing her forehead, I breathed in her scent, my nose filled with her coconut body wash and shampoo. I took in every detail of her, just in case. I wanted to remember everything.
“What are you doing to me, honey? I need you, you know that, right?” I whispered softly to her, wondering if she could hear me. The doctor told me it was important to keep speaking to her, because studies suggested familiar voices do have some effect on recovery. Talking to her felt awkward, knowing she wasn’t going to talk back to me. Still, I forced myself to do it just in case it did help.
Every ‘what if’ ran through my mind over and over, as though my guilt was trying to torture me. I tried pushing them away because I was terrified of what I might do if I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head. I hadn’t had a drink in fourteen months. This time fifteen months ago, I would’ve dealt with this kind of stress with an expensi
ve bottle of scotch. But this time fifteen months ago, Em wasn’t in my life.
Kissing her softly on the lips, I knew I couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer. There were people who needed to know, who deserved to know no matter how hard it was going to be for me to make those calls. As I passed the nurses station I asked them to get me from the cafeteria if there were any changes.
Sitting in the corner of the large empty room with my coffee, I stared blankly at my phone. What was I supposed to tell them?
That she was in a coma and the doctors weren’t sure if she was going to wake up? That our baby was about to be born nearly two months early? What if she didn't make it? The idea of caring for our baby alone, sounded impossible and terrifying, I barely managed to care for Maddie and I only saw her a few days a week.
What if I couldn’t cope?
You couldn’t cope before, the little voice in my head mocked. That was the same little voice that thought Em was too good for me.
Stop it. Stop thinking the worst. I blocked the voice out, refusing to let it take me over.
Carrying my coffee and a rather sad looking egg and lettuce sandwich, I sat outside on a faded plastic chair that looked in dire need of a clean. God this place was depressing. Taking a breath, I dialed Cass first.
Please fucking answer.
“Hello?” Yes, finally! I breathed out heavily.
“Hey Cass, it’s Simon,” I began, still unsure how to break the news.
“What's wrong?” she demanded, her voice shrill. “Is Em okay?” The fifteen missed calls must have concerned her slightly.
“She's in the hospital. She had a blood clot which traveled to her brain. She's in a coma and they’re delivering the baby today.” My voice was surprisingly calm and emotionless, as if I were reading from a script.
“Oh shit, Simon. Are you okay? Can I do anything?” she asked, her tone one of disbelief.
“Would you mind calling her parents? And her grandmother? I will call Maria now,” I added.
“Sure, don't worry I'll get onto it right now, then I will come down. Where is she?”
I gave her the details and thanked her before hanging up. Having all that crap off my mind made the smallest bit easier. Now for Maria. Dialing her number, I almost wished she wouldn’t answer, so I could put off this conversation without feeling guilty.
“Simon,” Maria said, sounding happy to hear from me.
“Maria, its Em. She’s not well.” I didn’t want to draw the conversation out and pretend things were fine when they weren’t.
“Oh god, Simon, what is it? Is it the baby? Is Em okay?”
“She had a stroke. They need to deliver the baby today, so that they can stabilize her and operate to remove another blood clot,” I explained, wiping tears from my eyes.
“No…I have to come over,” she whispered.
“She’s stable now, I’ll update you when I hear more,” I promised.
I sat in the cafeteria for a few more minutes, waiting for the tears to dry. It was silly, but I didn’t want the nurses, or anyone to notice that I’d been crying, I didn’t need or want anyone feeling sorry for me.
Chapter Fifteen
Simon
I decided not to call mom yet. After telling Cass and Maria, I didn’t think I could deal with another phone call, especially to my mother who I knew was going to be shattered by this news. I knew I couldn’t put it off forever, but I could at least delay calling her until I had a better idea of what was going on. There was nothing she could do right now and telling her would only make her worry. My brother was unreachable. Last time I’d heard from Andrew, he and his family were in Africa doing something for orphaned Gorillas and I was pretty sure they were still there.
Back in her room, Lucy was beginning to prep for Em’s surgery. Standing in the corner of the room I felt as though I was in the way, but every few minutes, Lucy would look up and explain what she was doing and why she was doing it.
“I’m done for the moment, if you want to sit with her,” she said, covering Em up with the sheets. “They won’t be taking her for another hour or so.”
Nodding, I walked over to the chair and sat down. As I held her hand, I reached over and touched her hair, brushing it aside so I could see her face clearly.
“We had to take off her jewelry,” the nurse began, handing me a small bag, “I thought you might want to keep a hold of this until she is well enough to wear it again.” Opening the bag, I pulled out Em’s engagement ring. The diamond sparkled under the harsh lights in the room. A pair of earrings and her necklace then fell out onto my palm. I slid the jewelry back into the bag and into my pocket. The nurse left the room which I felt was completely for my benefit, just in case…I didn’t even want to say it, much less think it. All I knew was how much I loved this woman.
Opening the bag again, I pulled out the necklace and the ring. Threading the necklace through the ring, I placed it around my neck. It just fit, I was lucky Em liked her necklaces to hang low. I wanted that ring as close to my heart as possible.
The machines continued to breathe for her. I tried to imagine they weren’t there and it was only Em and me in the room, that this was one of those times she’d pretend to be asleep until climbed into the bed beside her, wrapping my arms around her body. She wouldn’t crack though, not until I tickled her neck with my kisses. Only then would she start to smile, her laughter filling the room. In the pit of my stomach I felt sick, knowing that was not going to happen now.
I’d been sitting with Em for close to an hour, our fingers interlocked and my head was resting on them. My phone began to vibrate in my pocket. Pulling it out, I saw that it was Cass.
“I’ll be back soon,” I promised, kissing her hand. Armed with my cell, I headed to the waiting room just down from the nurses station. Once there, I called Cass.
“Hey,” I said softly.
“Hi, I got ahold her parents, they’re going to sort out what to do and get back to me,” she explained. “I called her gran too. She will want to come in and see her, can you let me know when she’s out of surgery.”
“Of course. Thanks Cass. I have to go, they’re taking her soon,” I said, my voice breaking. I coughed, trying to cover up my emotion.
Chapter Sixteen
Emma
I feel as though I’m floating.
Not like an out of body experience or anything, it’s more like I am on a small boat in the middle of a storm. I’m drifting in and out of...I didn’t know, what would you call it?
It isn't consciousness, but there are times when I’m aware of everything around me, and times when I’m not and every time I drift back in, I have to figure out once again what day it is and how long I've been gone.
Without my eyes and my voice, my hearing has become more pronounced. I started trying to identify people as they entered the room based on the heaviness of their footsteps. I had an accuracy of about seventy percent, which isn’t that good but its only been a day or two. As footsteps near the room, I try to place them. Too light to be Simon, too slow to be Cass.
My main nurse, Rachel, who I don't care for much, sounds heavier than the evening nurse, Lucy. These footsteps are soft wispy and barely there. As far as I know, Simon has been the only visitor I’ve had so far. This pisses me off a little. What did I have to be like to be considered sick enough for people to visit me in hospital? Unless…
It only just occurs to me that maybe visitors have been restricted to family only. Still, where are my family?
“Hey Emma. How are you today?” It’s Lucy, which means it was night-time, unless she was doing a double shift. Or maybe my whole system of working things out is way off.
Part of what I love about her is she speaks to me like a person. She chats about her family, her boyfriend and her life. Can you imagine being trapped inside yourself, unable to communicate? When you take away the feelings of terror and pain, you're left with boredom. To everyone else, you’re unconscious. You’re left inside your own min
d, which can be a scary thing in itself. Lucy made time pass. For a few minutes, I’m able to feel like this whole thing isn’t happening.
Today Lucy is telling me about her cat, who had put on three pounds, while on a strict veterinary diet. She couldn’t work out how he was putting on weight, until she woke up one night to go to the bathroom and caught him with his head in the cookie jar.
“In the back of the cupboard, I found half a dozen packets of biscuits that had been chewed open and half eaten! I couldn’t believe it!” She chuckles. “Oh hi Simon. I’ve just been telling Emma about my silly cat.”
“Em knows all about silly cats,” Simon laughs, “she has quite possibly the world’s most anti-social cat. In fact, I’ve never met a cat with worse social manners.”
Simon! It’s taken a coma for the truth to come out. And all this time I thought he loved Carol. True, she could be a little difficult to live with sometimes and I was the first to admit she didn’t often gel with new people, but she was still part of our little family.
“How is she?” Simon asks softly.
“She’s still stable and so is the baby. I know seven months seems so early, but all the scans indicate the baby is well developed. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?” she asks.
My heart skips a beat. No, they can’t deliver her yet, it’s way too early! Say something, Simon, I beg him silently.
“They said it was the best option for both her and the baby,” Simon says uncertainly.
“It is,” the nurse agrees, “she’s in good hands, Simon. They both are.”
I start to panic, my anxiety reflecting on the machines I am hooked up to.
“What’s going on?” Simon asks anxiously.
“Her heart rate has gone up. It’s probably nothing, fluctuation is pretty normal in her situation, but I will call the doctor just to be sure.”
“Simon, I’m sorry but we need you to wait outside,” someone says. I feel confused, my mind has gone hazy and I can’t keep track of all the voices in here now. All I can catch are half sentences and what I hear is scaring me.
Incredible Beauty (So Many Reasons) Page 7