I switched on the TV, only now looking at the time. At just after seven, it was still early enough for me to call Maddie. The plan was to stop off around there tomorrow on the way to the hospital and tell her what was going on.
It took me all of two minutes to polish off the pizza and wash it down with the coke and I think I could have quite comfortably eaten another. I considered checking out the fridge for something else to eat, but when it came down to it, I couldn’t be bothered even moving. Reaching for the phone, I dialed Claire.
“Simon? Is everything okay?” Claire was straight into worry mode.
“Yeah, I’m at home. No change, I just needed to shower and rest,” I yawned.
“Okay,” Claire sounded relieved, “let me know if you need anything. Do you want me to bring some food over for you?” I was so tempted to say yes, but glancing down at my naked body, I didn’t want to even move to get dressed.
“Uh, nah, I’ll probably just go to bed after this. I just wanted to talk to Maddie. I’ll drop by tomorrow on my way to the hospital and talk to her.”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea. She’s been asking questions.”
“Is she around?” I asked.
“Hold on.” She called out to Maddie.
“Daddy?” Maddie asked excitedly.
“Hey baby, how’s my little girl?” I said, sounding much chirpier than I actually felt.
“I haven’t seen you in ages!” she sang, “we were s'posed to go fishing!”
“I know honey, I’ll make it up to you. How about I come and see you tomorrow?”
“Oooh yeah!” she cried, giggling, “Will you bring me a present?”
I chuckled, “sure honey, I’ll bring you a present.”
Kicking the sheets off in frustration, I picked up my cell for the thousandth time. No messages, no calls and it had just clicked passed midnight. I tossed it on the floor and rolled onto my back. I was so fucking past tired it was a joke.
All I wanted was a few hours’ sleep so I could get back to the hospital, but apparently that was too much to ask.
Every time I closed my eyes I thought about Em. All I wanted was the image of her lying there, lifeless, out of my head. Forcing it out of my head, I thought back to when Em had made me laugh. I’ll never forget the time her mother interrupted us during sex. Em had been so embarrassed that I couldn’t help but find the whole situation hilarious. And that wasn’t the last time we were caught either. You’d have thought we would have learnt our lesson, but weeks later on the balcony…I mean who sits there with a telescope spying on their neighbors anyway?
Em had been horrified and the more I laughed the angrier she had become.
This wasn’t helping. All this was doing was making me miss her more. Rolling over to Em’s side of the bed, I opened her bedside table and retrieved her bottle of sleeping tablets. I popped one, swallowing it with a mouthful of water. In the back of my mind the little voice was back, telling me I was on the verge of cracking.
Fuck off, I told the voice, not willing to give it to its taunts. Gradually, the voice faded, along with every other thought swimming around in my head.
My eyes woke up before my brain did and for those few seconds I had no idea what was going on. Slowly, everything began to filter back. I fumbled for my cell on the nightstand. When I couldn’t find it, I sat up, feeling confused and slightly drug fucked. Spotting it lying on top of a pile of dirty clothes, I leaned down and scooped it up.
My eye bugged as I read the time.
Holy shit, I’d slept for twelve hours. It was nearly one in the afternoon.
I had missed calls from Maria, Cass, Claire and the hospital. Blood pulsated through my veins as I threw on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt, at the same time I called the hospital.
“ICU please.”
“Hi, this is Simon Anderson, Emma Mancelli’s fiancé. I have a missed call from the hospital. It will either be about Emma or the baby,” I added.
“Simon, yes the surgeon needs to speak to you about Emma’s surgery. Can you come down?”
“Yes, I’m leaving now,” I replied, already out the front door. I jumped in my car and sent Claire a text.
Sorry, have to get to hospital, tell Maddie I love her and will see her soon.
The reply was instant.
Hope all is okay xx
The doctor led me into a small room. I’d seen enough shows on TV to know that when they spoke to you privately, it was never good. I sat down and waited for him to do the same.
“I’m going to get right to the point, Simon. We need to operate today. Emma’s condition is deteriorating and the clot has increased in size. If we don’t try to remove it soon we are concerned it may burst.”
“Okay, so remove it,” I said, not understanding why he was wasting time in here with me when he could’ve been getting this surgery happening sooner.
“There are risks we need to make you aware of,” he looked down at his desk briefly before his eyes reconnected with mine. “The chance of a successful outcome is about sixty percent.”
“What do you classify as successful?” I asked hoarsely.
“That she survives,” he replied simply. “If she does survive, there is a further fifty-fifty chance she will have some form of brain damage. The location of the clot makes it very tricky to reach.”
Fuck. I drew in a breath, knowing there was no other option but to agree to the surgery. At least then she would have a chance.
“When will it be done?”
“Today,” he replied, “We need to do some scans, the operation is scheduled for this afternoon.” he hesitated, not meeting my gaze. “You might want to spend some time with your fiancé, Simon.”
Before I went to see Emma, I stopped past to check on bean. She was going well, every day she was getting bigger and stronger, the only thing she lacked was a name.
If there was one thing Em and I had not been able to agree on, it was the name of our child. She hated every name I put forth and I equally disliked every name she offered.
I reached her crib to pick her up and smiled as she gazed back up at me with her big blue eyes. All my apprehension and pain melted away when she looked at me with those eyes because I knew no matter what happened I needed to be strong for my daughter.
As I cradled my week old baby girl in my arms, I realized something. If I lose Em today, I wanted her to at least know her daughter’s name. I have to believe she can hear me when I talk to her and I have to believe she knows how much we both love her.
I held Mirabella for a few minutes longer, before laying her down in her crib.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Emma
Apparently I can't be left alone.
At least that’s the impression I get from the influx of visitors to my room, one after the other almost like a procession of people coming to say goodbye. I’d picked up enough from listening to the nurses to know I was having surgery today, though exactly what the problem was, or how serious I wasn’t sure. Judging by the visitors and the feeling in the room, things weren’t looking good and that scared me.
Cass and Tom arrive just as my parents are leaving, gran with them. Mom had managed to get through most of the visit without bursting into tears, which is progress, but also disappointing that gran didn’t get the chance to tell her off again.
“Hey Em.” Cass says, kissing my forehead as either she or Tom squeeze my hand.
“You're looking better today,” Tom says from the other side of the bed. Okay, so it is Cass holding my hand, not Tom.
“I brought you something,” he says. He places something over my ears that feel like headphones. “I know how much you like your crappy soppy movies, so I thought I'd put some on your IPod,” he explains, as sound filled the speakers and Pretty Woman begins to play.
Thank you! Thank you, thank you fucking thank you!
I can't express enough (or at all) how much this means to me. It was the next best thing to waking up. Every movie he would have ou
t on this thing I'd know by heart anyway and in my mind the footage of Pretty Woman begins to roll.
My movie is interrupted when Cass and Tom leave. They both kiss me goodbye and exit the room. I can faintly hear them talking outside, but because of the noise from the headphones, I can't make anything out.
Suddenly I feel the headphones slide off as lips brush past my mouth.
Simon.
“Hey baby.” he says, his voice strained as he reaches for my hand. He’s been crying. “The doctors told me they think you're strong enough for the surgery now, so they're going to take you down and fix you. I've made them promise to bring you back to me,” his voice breaks. God this must be so hard for him.
“I had to give bean a name. I hope you're going to like it,” he adds.
I silently groan. He named her? If there was one thing we hadn’t agreed on during the course of this pregnancy it was what to name the baby, so I dread hearing what he's come up with.
“I named her Mirabella,” he says and I can almost hear the smile in his voice. “In French it means 'Incredible beauty'. When you see her, you'll understand that it’s exactly what she is.”
Mirabella. I like it. I like it a lot.
More than anything that's what I want, to see our little baby and for the first time, I pray to a god that I’m not even sure exists.
Please get me through this.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Simon
Standing outside the surgery, I watched anxiously as they wheeled her into the room. The doctor had talked me through the procedure. A small catheter would be passed through her groin and guided into the blood vessels and up to the clot in the brain where a small balloon will be inflated to ‘catch’ the clot.
The operation itself would not take long, all going according to plan, but it could take weeks to see if the clot or the operation has had any long term effects on Em. Things not going according to plan was something I didn’t want to think about, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind. There was such a high risk of something going wrong because of the location of the clot and the earlier bleed.
I threw some change into the vending machine that sat opposite me. After staring at it for the last half hour, I decided I needed a coke and a chocolate. Who said passive advertising didn’t work?
The Hershey bar had no taste and neither did the coke. I could’ve been eating cardboard and drinking shampoo and it would’ve tasted the same. Still, I knew I needed to eat, otherwise I’d end up in no condition to care for Em and the baby.
The waiting bay had an array of magazines the most recent being from two years ago. I picked it up, a copy of New Today and flicked through it, not actually taking anything in. It just gave me something to do. Reaching the end, I tossed it aside and stood up.
The operating rooms were on the fourth floor and the waiting area was down the end of the hallway. From my seat I had a perfect view of the entry doors. Every person that exited those doors I stared at with my heart in my throat until they passed me. Only then could I breathe again.
What were they up to now? Had the operation even started yet? God I hoped things went well. I glanced around the room to survey the other people waiting, just like me. To my left, an older woman sat clutching a sweater. Just down from her was a man about my own age. Over the other side a couple sat, the woman entwined in the man’s arms. Every now and then he would lean down and kiss her head tenderly. I used to do that to Em all the time.
My mind raced back to every kiss we’d shared, every moment we’d spent together and to all the times I found myself amazed by this wonderful, loving woman.
Get a grip, Simon, be strong, be a man for fucks sake. I swatted at my eyes, stopping the tears before they trickled down my cheeks.
Think about your beautiful girls. Think about how badly they need you to be strong right now.
The doors opened and a figure began the trek down the hall toward the waiting room. My heart thumped as he neared, his expression grim. As he entered the area, he took his hat off, walking toward the couple huddled in the corner. I turned my attention away from them, not wanting to invade privacy of this moment, but I couldn’t ignore the woman’s screams as she collapsed into the arms her companion.
“Mr. Anderson?”
I jumped. I literally shat myself (well, not literally). I had been so focused on not paying attention to the couple, that I hadn’t noticed another doctor had approached me. I stood up, my heart racing.
“Yes? Is she okay?”
“The operation went well. She’s in recovery now,” he smiled, as I fell back down into the seat and sighed with relief. The woman opposite me was sobbing loudly and though I felt for her, I couldn’t stop the happiness that was coursing through my body.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Emma
God my head hurt. I hadn’t woken up with a headache this bad in ages, where every part of my body ached. I tried to reposition myself without opening my eyes.
“She moved!”
Simon? That was definitely Simon. I opened one eye half an inch, my head screaming in response as the light burned my eyes. I groaned and lifted my arm to cover my face. My arms felt so heavy, like they were made of cement.
I felt drugged, or extremely hung-over. Or maybe both. I tried to think back to before my sleep, but my mind was cloudy and I just could reach my memory.
What the hell had happened? Maybe I had some kind of bug?
“Em? Can you hear me?” Simon asked, clenching his hand over mine. God he was so warm and I was so cold.
“I…” One word was all I managed, trying to say anymore was near impossible with the tube shoved down my throat. I tried not to retch as the hard plastic rubbed against the back of my throat.
Shit. I gasped as it all came flooding back. That Derek being released, then killed.
Saving the girl. Thank god Simon and the police had arrived when they did.
I relaxed, the reality of remembering, calming me down. I was okay. Safe. I never had to worry about Derek hurting me ever again.
“Honey, I’m just going to get the doctor. I will be right back.” I watched, helpless as he raced from the room. Trying to gather my thoughts, I couldn’t seem to focus. It was like each thought was a piece of popping candy and they were all exploding randomly in my head. Simon came back in with a doctor and a nurse. The nurse smiled at me, I smiled back hesitantly.
“Emma,” the doctor smiled, “how are you feeling? Sore?”
I nodded. Ouch. Bad idea. My head was still throbbing and I’d given up trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
“Stay still, I’m going to take the tube out of your mouth, okay?” He gently reached into my mouth and loosened the tube before pulling it out. Pain ripped through my throat as it dislodged and slid out. “How’s the pain, Emma? Out of ten, ten being the worst.”
“A nine,” I rasped, not wanting to say ten in case it got worse. Not that I could imagine this getting any worse.
I felt as though my scalp had been ripped off my head. The pain was so intense, unlike any pain I had ever felt before. For me, that said a lot. I had experienced pain at its worst, or at least I thought I had. Reaching up, I tried to touch my head where the throbbing was at its worst. Simon reached out and grabbed my hand.
“Just relax Em,” he soothed. I let him guide my hand back down, his touch automatically making me feel better. The doctor and the nurse kept prodding at me, taking my temperature, checking my pupils.
“How long was I out?” I asked Simon, the words catching in my throat like splinters.
“Over three weeks. Shit Em, I was so scared, I thought we were going to lose you,” he said, his eyes glistening with tears.
We? My parents? I glanced around the room, but only saw Simon.
“We?” I repeated.
“Mirabella and I,’” he smiled at me. “I can’t wait for you to meet her. She’s amazing, just like her mother.”
I struggled to sit up. Mirabella? W
hat was he talking about? Who was Mirabella?
“Who?” I asked, panicked. Simon glanced at the doctor, who shook his head slightly.
“Shh, don’t worry Em,” Simon whispered, trying to hide the obvious concern on his face. Panic rose inside of me, as I desperately tried to piece together what the fuck was going on. I couldn’t remember past Derek’s death. How long ago was that? I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.
“Emma, I’ll be back in later to check on you. For now, the nurse will stay with you so just try to relax. Don’t try and remember, your memory should come back on its own.”
I nodded, knowing that I wouldn’t relax and that I would be trying to remember. He didn’t need to know that though.
After he had gone and the nurse had taken my obs, I was left alone with Simon.
“What happened? Please tell me,” I begged. He hesitated, but I could see him relenting. “If you know me at all you’ll know this will be eating away at me. Relax? No way in hell,” I added. I swear I saw a ghost of a smile on his lips.
“What do you remember?” he asked me. I strained, trying to grasp at the vague memories floating around in my mind.
“Derek being killed. I don’t remember being hurt, I don’t remember much after Derek being shot. How long have I been out?”
“Em, Derek died nearly eight months ago,” Simon said quietly. “You’ve only been out just over three weeks.”
Holy shit!
If I’d only been out for three weeks, then why couldn’t I remember the six or seven months before that? I swatted away at the tears forming in my eyes, not wanting him to see that I was crying. Simon reached for my hand, wrapping his fingers around mine. I tried to concentrate on the feel of his hand in mine, the warmth of his skin against mine. I was exhausted. I’d opened my eyes less than half hour ago and I was ready to sleep for another three weeks.
Incredible Beauty (So Many Reasons) Page 9