“I don’t think it’s really appropriate for an evening meal, but Dixie assured me you would be pleased.”
Dixie. He might have known she would meddle. Later he would be angry with her, but now…
He opened his mouth, but couldn’t find any words. He remembered that he was supposed to talk to Emily about their marriage, and the fact that it was still ending. He knew he’d planned on telling her that he couldn’t be with her again, not intimately.
But he also knew he had to have her tonight. Now.
She stood before him dressed in cream-colored lace and silk. The filmy nightgown skimmed over her body, slipping past curves, teasing at hollows. He thought the gown looked expensive, perhaps a gift from her parents—a part of her trousseau. Her arms were bare, and he thought there must be a robe to cover the gown, but she’d chosen not to wear it. Just as well. He enjoyed the view of her practically bare breasts and the way her long, wavy blond hair tumbled down her back.
He wanted her. The desperate need was as sudden as it was powerful. An aching filled him. All his vows and promises disappeared, like so much smoke in the wind.
“Emily,” he growled, even as he moved toward her. “We can’t do this.”
She stepped into his embrace. Their mouths met. Her last words were, “Whyever not?”
Lucas spent the next three weeks with one foot in heaven and the other in hell. Every morning he left Emily’s bed and promised himself it would be the last time. Each night he found his way to her side. She smiled at him, or kissed him or lightly brushed his hand and he was lost.
When he was with her, in her arms, tasting her, breathing her scent, he knew a contentment that had been missing from his life for the past ten years. But when they were apart, he knew that he had to end it, and quickly. Before the happiness in her eyes turned to something else. Before their time together was more than just amusing and assumed a deeper meaning.
But while it was easy to make the plans, it was more difficult for him to follow them through. She lit his world, much as the sun lit the sky. He lived for the sound of her laughter, of her gentle voice and the way she insisted on showing him her ledgers, when he knew she would cut out her own heart before cheating anyone of a single penny.
He sat in his office on that bright spring morning and stared at the telegram in front of him. It had been delivered just a few minutes before. He hadn’t read it, but he knew what it would say. The telegram and all it represented were an act of cowardice that made him ashamed. But why was he surprised? He’d showed his true colors with Jonathan, during the war. His lack of character was the reason he couldn’t keep Emily as his wife. Now he had to tell her the truth.
He rose slowly to his feet, feeling old and broken. Telling himself he was finally achieving his dream didn’t help. There weren’t any words to make himself feel better. He didn’t deserve to feel better.
He walked out of his office and up the stairs toward Emily’s hotel. She sat on a stool, behind the reception desk. A cup of tea rested beside her open ledger book. When she saw him, she smiled.
He marveled at the changes in her. Gone was the prim schoolteacher who had confronted him from behind the bars of her jail cell. While she still sat as erectly, she’d softened in other ways.
She wore her hair different. The looser style allowed her natural wave to add fullness and curl. Instead of drab gray gowns, she dressed in soft colors like blue and pink. Her eyes were brighter, her lips nearly always smiling. An air of contentment cloaked her, giving her beauty. The same intelligence brightened her eyes, eyes that now glowed with some emotion he didn’t dare identify.
“Lucas,” she said, sounding delighted. “This is a surprise. I’m having tea. Would you like me to get you some coffee?”
“No. I can’t stay long. I want to tell you…”
He hesitated, not sure what he was supposed to say. Perhaps it was finally time to speak the truth.
He crossed to the desk and set down his telegram. She stared at the sheet of paper but didn’t try to read it or speak. Instead she waited for him.
“Now that both Jackson and I are married and have fulfilled the terms of Uncle Simon’s will, the properties can be deeded to us.”
Her expression didn’t change but he saw wariness in her eyes. “You must be relieved. I know you have been concerned about losing your inheritance.”
“Yes.”
He cleared his throat. This was harder than he would have thought. He turned so that he could see down the stairs, telling himself he wanted to make sure they were alone rather than avoiding Emily’s gaze.
“Once we have title of the properties, I want to move to the ranch. I have no need for the saloon.”
He heard her sharp intake of air. “I see,” she murmured, sounding stunned.
He still didn’t look at her. “I’ve been in touch with a man in Boston. He’ll be buying the saloon from me.” He touched the telegram. “I’ll stay until he arrives, then leave for the ranch.”
Finally he forced himself to face her. All the color had drained from her face. Her eyes were wide and she looked as if she might faint at any moment.
“I’ve also told my lawyers to start preparing the papers for us,” he told her.
“What do you mean?”
“Once the property is deeded to Jackson and me, you and I can get our divorce.”
Chapter Ten
Emily waited for the world to stop spinning, or at the very least slow down enough so that she could understand what was happening. Her chest tightened so much it was impossible for her to breathe, and her stomach felt as if she’d been stabbed.
“Divorce?”
She could barely speak the word—didn’t want to speak it—didn’t want to make it real. No. No, this wasn’t happening. The man standing in front of her, her husband, could not be saying these things to her.
“Lucas.”
He wouldn’t look at her. “Emily, it’s time. You always knew we married because of the will.”
“At first,” she admitted. “But not now. Not after…” Not after he’d taken her into his arms, night after night. Not after… “Lucas, I love you.”
He shuddered and clenched his hands into fists. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.”
Her eyes burned, but she refused to cry. She would not show weakness in front of him. Something inside told her that this was a time to be strong.
“I will say it. I’ll tell you as many times as I need to until you understand. I love you. You are my husband. I don’t want a divorce and I don’t want our marriage to be over. If you wish to sell the saloon, that’s fine. I’ll join you at the ranch.”
“Don’t you understand?” He spun toward her and slapped his hands down on the desk. “I don’t want you there. I don’t want to be married to you. You can keep your hotel. I’ve made those arrangements with the new owner. You may stay here for the next three years, giving him the same percentage of profits. That should give you enough time to save the money you’ll need to start your school for women.”
She stared at the man she thought she’d come to understand. His handsome face was familiar, yet she knew he was a stranger.
“So you have taken the time to secure my financial future,” she said slowly, barely able to speak past the pain. “How kind. If only you’d been as concerned for the state of my heart.”
He flinched. “I’m sorry.”
All she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sob. The pain inside grew and grew until she knew it was going to swallow her whole. She welcomed the thought of oblivion but doubted she would be that fortunate. In some deep part of her being, she sensed that she would love him forever.
“I’m sorry,” he told her, still not looking at her. “I tried to warn you away.”
“You didn’t try very hard.” The bleeding wound sucked her strength, but she forced herself to stand straight and strong. “You once asked me who had been cruel in my life. I told you about my past and how I had come to re
alize that no man would want me for myself, just for what I could bring to the marriage. I married you understanding ours was a marriage of convenience.”
She had to swallow against the tightness in her throat, but she forced herself to continue. “Over time, I began to trust you, Lucas. You were kind to me. I thought I had reason to hope. And then I began to love you. I did not think that love would be returned. I knew you had reasons for not wanting to take a wife. But when you told me about your past and then took me into your bed, I thought things had changed. You made me your own and now that you have finished with me, you are tossing me aside.”
He finally looked at her. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
“Do you think I care about that? Your intentions are of little consequence. When you told me about what happened during the war, I didn’t question your courage. While I know you suffer greatly from that time, I did not think it lessened you as a man. However, I question your courage now. I believe you are acting in a cowardly fashion. You knew what would happen if we shared a bed. You knew that I would be changed forever and that I would most likely fall in love with you. You knew that I would assume that love was returned, or at least might be returned in the future. Even knowing you had no intention of making our marriage real, you still defiled me.”
She paused, hoping he would tell her that she was wrong and perhaps even get angry for thinking so ill of him. But he didn’t. He simply nodded slowly, as if she’d finally voiced the truth.
She hadn’t thought she could hurt more, but intense pain flooded her until she could only pray for the strength to continue. From somewhere it came, surging through her, giving her the ability to finish speaking the truth.
“You thought that when you told me about your past, I would turn away from you,” she said. “You were wrong. I could love that man, because he was honest in his fears and his questions. But the stranger in front of me can have no place in my heart. I despise you now, Lucas MacIntyre. I have been nothing but good to you. You have repaid my kindness by treating me more cruelly than anyone of my acquaintance. I am sorry I met you, and having met you, I am sorry I married you.”
Knowing that she was about to collapse, Emily turned on her heel and hurried toward her room. From the corner of her eye, she saw Dixie in the hallway and had the added humiliation of knowing her friend had heard every word.
Lucas stood alone in the reception area of the hotel. He felt battle weary, as tired as he’d been at the end of the war. She was right, of course. About everything. He’d taken her innocence, knowing what it would mean to her. He’d used her body, broken her spirit, acted with all the indifference of a supreme bastard. There weren’t enough words to describe his horrible actions.
Without warning, something cracked across his face. He turned and saw Dixie glaring at him. “How dare you?” she demanded.
He rubbed his cheek. “Why’d you do that?”
“Because it’s the least of what you deserve. If I were a man, I’d shoot you right now, you dog. How dare you?”
He stared down the hallway where Emily had disappeared. Despite the fact that she hated him, he wanted to go to her and pull her into his arms. He wanted to tell her he was sorry and that they would work it out. But he couldn’t. Not ever.
“You don’t understand,” he said wearily.
“I understand perfectly. You’re a self-indulgent idiot and I’m sorry you’re my friend.” Fire flashed in her brown eyes. “Damn you, Lucas. Damn you. Don’t you realize Emily is the most amazing woman you’re ever going to meet? How many others would have had the intelligence to open a hotel and make it successful in such a short period of time? She has a head for business and a heart bigger than the entire West. She’s my friend. Mine. How many women would have welcomed me into their home?”
“You don’t have to recite Emily’s virtues to me. I’m intimately familiar with them all.”
“I don’t think you are. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be so quick to let her go. She’s the best person you’ll ever know. She loves you. Why are you throwing her away?”
He grabbed her arms and shook her. “Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I’m aware that I’ll miss her for the rest of my life? I don’t have a choice.”
She studied him, then narrowed her gaze. “I wish I’d hit you harder. You have a choice. We all have choices. Emily deserves better, but you’re the one she wants. So be with her. Find the courage to claim her.”
He walked to the sofa and sank down. “I can’t. I don’t know how. There are things from my past.” He shook his head. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re wrong about that, too. I have plenty of secrets from my own past. Do you think I’m happy about what I do for a living? Do you think I’m proud?”
He raised his head and, for the first time since he’d met her, he saw ghosts in Dixie’s eyes. Of course she had her own dark secrets. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize to me. I’m not the one you’re destroying.” She planted her hands on her hips. “You’re being selfish, Lucas. Wallowing in the guilt and wishing you were dead is easy. It’s living well that’s hard. This is one time you’re going to have to take the more difficult road. You owe her.”
He shook his head. “I can’t have her.”
Dixie caught her breath. “Because you love her. You’re paying for your sins of the past, and think you’re not allowed to be happy.”
He nodded.
“But what about what Emily deserves?”
“She’ll have to find someone else.”
His friend stared at him as if he were the stupidest man she’d ever met. “I have two things to say about that. First, you’ll never survive without her. Second, you won’t be able to stand seeing her with someone else.”
She turned on her heel and flounced out of the room. He heard her head down the hall, then she knocked and opened a door. A muffled sob drifted to him and was cut off when Dixie closed Emily’s door.
Dixie was right. He couldn’t survive without Emily, nor could he stand to see her with someone else. Yet he had no right to her.
Without thinking, he pushed to his feet and hurried from the hotel. He took the stairs two at a time, and when he reached the sidewalk, he starting walking. He headed out of town, not sure where he was going or why, only hoping he would figure it out by the time he got there.
The sun moved across the sky. Lucas wrestled with his past and his present, not knowing which way to turn. He’d always thought he would be alone. Letting Emily go was the right thing to do. Then he heard Dixie’s words, the ones that told him he owed Emily and the way to make her happy was to love her.
He rounded a bend in the road and saw a familiar vista stretching out in front of him. The south end of the ranch reached toward the horizon. His land. The land where he would live out the rest of his days. In his mind’s eye he saw dozens of horses cantering across the open fields. Newborn colts racing beside their mothers, the stallions in corrals on the other side of the barn. He heard laughter. A woman’s laughter.
Emily.
Lucas leaned against a tree and closed his eyes. The past blurred then came into focus. He heard Jonathan begging him to kill him. To make the pain go away. He heard the sound of the rebel patrol.
“Why did I do it?” he cried to the heavens.
Had he been compassionate or cowardly?
“I love you, Lucas.”
Emily’s words drifted to him, wrapping themselves around him, healing him. He would never know the truth, he realized. But she was the best person he’d ever met and she loved him.
He fell to his knees and prayed as he’d never prayed before. There was no burst of light, no answer from God. Not even peace. All he knew was that he couldn’t live without her. Perhaps the kindest act would be to let her go, but he couldn’t. He needed her. He wanted to spend his days and nights with her, have children with her, grow old with her. Selfishly, he wanted to die with her holding his hand.
&
nbsp; He raised his head and saw that not only was the sun close to setting, but he was nearly eight miles from town and he didn’t have a horse. Cursing himself for being as stupid as Dixie had said, he stood and started the long journey back.
“I don’t understand,” Emily said, trying to keep the tears from flowing once again. She felt as if she’d been crying all afternoon. Actually, she had been.
Dixie pulled her close. “I know, honey. I’m so sorry. Lucas surprised me on this one. I knew he’d have some trouble coming around, but I never thought he’d be such an idiot as to let you go.”
Emily nodded but couldn’t speak. The tears were too close to the surface. She’d thought the ache inside might ease some, but it had only gotten worse throughout the afternoon. Every time she thought about checking on Alice and Mary or returning to work, she began sobbing again.
How could this have happened? How could she have been so wrong about him?
“At least you told him off good,” Dixie reminded her as she stroked her back. “I’m real proud of you for that.”
“I guess I’ll be proud of myself later.” But the truth was, if Lucas walked through that door and told her he’d changed his mind, she would be in his arms in a heartbeat. “Right now it hurts too much.”
“I know.”
Dixie held her, as she had for the afternoon. Emily had protested, telling her friend that she had to go to Miss Cherry’s. But Dixie had dismissed her concern saying that the men could survive without her for a day or two. Besides, the way she was feeling about men in general, she would definitely do more harm than good.
She drew in a deep breath. “I really need to—”
Her bedroom door flew open. Lucas stepped inside, looking as if he’d been dragged by a horse. He was out of breath and sweaty. There were stains on his trousers and a tear in his shirt, not to mention an ugly red mark on his cheek.
“I ran the whole way,” he said, barely able to speak. “Dammit, Em, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t let you go. I know it’s the right thing to do and I’m wrong to keep you, but I can’t make it without you.”
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