Chasing the High

by Beth Michele

  “Well, it shouldn’t be. Shit, Sam, you’re a writer. Let your imagination run wild. Okay, seriously. Try them. She’s getting a huge fucking tip for bringing us extra.”

  “Okay.” I stabbed my fork into one of the browned oval potatoes and brought it to my mouth. “Let me try these orgasmic potatoes.”

  Drew kept his gaze on me while I chewed slowly, keeping my expression neutral. “Well?”

  “Eh, they’re okay,” I responded, spearing another one with my fork.

  “You are so full of shit.” He raised another bite to his lips. “You love them.”

  I grinned and Drew tossed a lemon slice at me. “Hey, don’t get violent. I’m trying to enjoy my orgasmic potatoes.”

  He started to laugh and cough at the same time. I was worried he might choke so I handed him his water, but he waved me off and I placed the glass down. “I’m fine.” Another cough and I reached for his hand. “Just eat your fucking potatoes,” he demanded, and we both laughed. Until I looked behind him and yanked my hand away.

  And then I wasn’t laughing anymore.

  Glenn was charging through the restaurant, his face set in hard determination until he spotted me. The urge to duck or hide under the table was sharp and stabbing. My palms began to sweat and I dropped my fork onto the plate. Drew was talking, but I could barely hear him over the blood roaring in my ears.

  “Sam? What’s wrong? You look really pale all of a sudden.”

  Dazed, I continued to watch Glenn, fingers clutching at my wristband. He was coming at me full speed ahead and there was no stopping him. I didn’t want him here. Why was he here? My gaze darted to Drew then back to Glenn. Before I could process what was happening, Glenn’s arms were wrapped around me. Everything about it felt wrong. He was smothering me and I needed to push him away. But my own arms wouldn’t move.

  I looked at Drew over Glenn’s shoulder. His mouth was hanging open, expression hard to read. Glenn finally released me and I could breathe again.

  “Babe, thank God I found you. I made a huge mistake and…” He stopped talking, suddenly aware of someone else at the table. He looked between me and Drew, brows low on his forehead. “What’s going on here?” My lips needed to form words, but my jaw was clenched tight and they wouldn’t come. I didn’t even know what to say. But Glenn took care of that for me, pinning Drew with a hard glare. “I’m not sure what’s going on here. But you do know I’m his fiancé right? And that he and I have known each other since we were kids, so…” He flicked a hand between us like what Drew and I had meant absolutely nothing. Panic knotted in my chest. “…whatever this is, if it’s anything at all, is a rebound jerk reaction.”

  Glenn turned to me. I’m not sure I’d ever seen him look so desperate. “I came all the way here to find you. I know I made a mistake. But I’m here now and I’m going to fix this.”

  My heart raged in my chest as my gaze landed on Drew. All the light was gone from his eyes. I felt the second it drained from his body. I needed to say something. Why couldn’t I say anything?

  “No worries, dude,” Drew interjected, his bland tone jarring me. He pushed his chair back. The scrape was like a knife slashing over my skin. “I’m sure you need time to talk, so… I’m going to take off,” he added, expression vacant. He didn’t spare me a second glance before he spun and walked away, dragging my heart on the floor behind him.

  I stared down at my plate, seeing for the first time that my spoon was on the wrong side. I hadn’t even noticed. My chest burned as I casually placed it back where it belonged.

  Knowing with absolute certainty that this time, I let the wrong person walk away.

  MY HEART FUCKING hurt. Like someone had stomped on it then dropkicked it across the room.

  Oh, right. Someone did.

  Sam’s lack of acknowledgement hit too close to home, opening up a wound I’d worked hard to heal. Pretty commonplace in my life to date, so I don’t know why it fucking surprised me. Except I thought he was different. Now I kicked myself for letting him in. For dropping the shield that had served me well all those years.

  When Sam expressed how he felt about me, I believed him. When he told me he hadn’t been thinking about Glenn, I believed him. But I know what I saw. And how could I compete with someone he’d known his whole life? The answer was simple—I couldn’t. It was obvious Sam still loved him, and I’m pissed at myself because I didn’t see that coming. Because I was blinded by his honesty and his sincerity. By the belief that maybe, just maybe, I was worth it.

  Fuck.

  Walking away from Sam was a dick move—and I knew it. But it didn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out what came next. I couldn’t stick around and watch it play out. And I was afraid. Since I’d met Sam, I’d had to confront emotion I knew nothing about. I didn’t need any of this bullshit in my life.

  Fuck, I was all over the place. As much as I wanted to blame Sam, I knew deep down it wasn’t his fault. It was my own fault for opening myself up. For thinking I could actually have something good in my life. That someone like Sam, could want someone like me.

  One thing was for sure. I needed to shut the fucking door to my heart and get as far away from Sam as possible. I stopped at the front desk and let them know I’d be checking out earlier than expected. Needing to say goodbye to this fucked-up fantasy I’d created for myself. My life had never resembled fantasy, and the sooner I came to terms with that, the better.

  THE PLANE RIDE home was the longest of my life. Even the incessant chattering from the woman in the next seat did nothing to curb the loneliness festering inside of me. The hollow in the pit of my stomach.

  In one day I’d managed to break two hearts—a record for me. But I didn’t feel victorious. Rather, I felt like the shittiest person on the planet. The sole reason my chest hurt and my eyes throbbed from lack of sleep. Of course, explaining everything to Glenn and having him hop on the next plane after he’d traveled almost five thousand miles to see me, only added to the sting. Then again, he walked away first. And that led me to Drew.

  Drew.

  My fingers still clutched the necklace in my hand, unable to let go. Rubbing my thumb over the sea glass as if it could bring Drew back.

  That night, after I’d spilled everything to Glenn, I searched for Drew. But the woman at the front desk informed me he’d already checked out, and proceeded to hand over a plain white envelope with the necklace inside. I shook it out twice searching for a note. But there was nothing.

  My fingers curled into a fist and I pushed at the pain in my temple, trying to understand why I froze up. As if I was back in Mrs. Dressler’s fourth grade math glass. Judgmental faces glued to mine. Everyone waiting to see if the gay kid knew the answer, holding out for another reason to tease me. Not that they needed one. My body had seized up then too, all but the pee trickling down my pant leg.

  It took a year for the whispers about ‘urine boy’ to stop. But the hushed voices I was greeted with about my sexuality never stopped. And yet, none of that was an excuse. I was twenty-nine years old and didn’t want to be that boy anymore.

  As the plane taxied onto the runway, I slid the necklace into the zippered pocket of my bag. Trying to figure out what to do next. I needed to find Drew and explain everything. I knew how it appeared from his perspective. Putting myself in his shoes, I’m sure I would’ve reacted the same way. It was just like him to allow me space and fade into the woodwork as if none of this ever happened. But I refused to let him go quietly. What we had was worth fighting for.

  The pilot made an announcement and I gathered my bag as we began to deplane. Before we made it to the passenger waiting area, a hand landed on my arm. I stopped, turning to find the chatty woman from the plane. Her wrinkled lips were set in a warm smile, gaze soft and knowing.

  “I know I talk a lot,” she laughed, “but I pay attention.” She paused, studying my face. Her voice was a gravelly whisper. “The heart always finds its way.” She patted my arm twice and disappeared, leavi
ng me to wonder if she was ever really there at all.

  I blinked, trying to reconcile what just happened. But my mind was too far gone. Pressure on my brain, being bullied by thoughts I couldn’t control had given me a massive headache.

  Relief greeted me the moment I stepped through the gate. My sister, with one hand on her hip and the other holding a sign that read Looking for SS. Are you SS? She blew bubbles with the gum she never stopped chewing, her pink-tipped hair plaited in braids and falling over her shoulders. Her smile was exactly what I needed.

  I lifted her off the ground and she squealed, dropping the sign. My huge frame swallowed her small one. “I missed you, Tiny,” I breathed, my nose buried in her strawberry-scented hair.

  “You must’ve really missed me,” she said once I’d let her down. “I haven’t gotten a hug like that in a long time, Sammy. You like my sign or what?”

  “I love your sign. I almost didn’t spot you.” I grinned, and she gave me a playful punch on the shoulder.

  She rose on her tiptoes and peered around me. “Where’s Glenn? Mom just told me yesterday he was coming to find you.” I blanched, and that was all it took. I didn’t have to say anything for Mia to read me. I never did. “Okay, we’re stopping at Starbucks on the way to your house, so I can get a mocha frap and you can fill me in on what’s going on. Let’s grab your luggage.” Her hard stare cut right through me. Already, I was missing Drew so much. The feeling too big to be denied. “Wow, I might have to get the venti. Whatever’s going on, it’s huge.” She nodded her head toward baggage pick-up. “Let’s go.”

  It took us another two hours to get out of JFK. The airport traffic was crazy, as always. Mia, true to her fashion, gave me space, turning the radio up and singing along with the music. But by the time we arrived at Starbucks, I was ready to blow a gasket. Needing to get everything out in the open and hoping she could help me make sense of it.

  We found a quiet table in the corner. Mia hunted in her purse for her wallet. “Your usual?”

  “Sounds good, Mia. Thanks.”

  Before she walked off, she angled her head and gifted me with a soft smile. “It’s gonna be okay, Sammy.” I wanted to believe her, but my mind kept drifting back to the hurt and disappointment on Drew’s face. Instead of speaking up, I sat there and let everything fall apart.

  On a heavy sigh, I glanced up to find Rose behind the counter, a classmate of Mia’s who was also one of the baristas here. She lifted her hand in a brief wave while Mia paid for our order.

  “I’m going to clock her over the head.” With fight in her eyes, Mia plopped down on the chair across from me.

  “Who? Rose?”

  “Yes, Rose.” She grunted, setting my coffee down in front of me. “She stole Rob Carter away from me. Don’t you remember?” She plunked two blueberry muffins between us. “You need to eat something.”

  My stomach agreed and I broke off a piece of muffin. “Wasn’t that in like eighth grade?”

  “What’s your point?” She swirled the whipped cream around her cup, her scowl in place. “Women don’t forget these things. She might as well be wearing a scarlet letter on her chest.”

  I laughed at her fierce spirit, nearly spitting out my muffin. “Mia. That’s ridiculous.”

  “Okay, enough about the evil feline.” She grinned. “Tell me what’s going on with Glenn.” Mia leaned her whole body into the table, waiting, as she sipped her drink through the straw.

  “No. Not Glenn. I don’t want to talk about him.”

  She frowned, the straw popping out of her mouth. “I’m really sorry. Mom didn’t tell me about Glenn until yesterday. I think she knew I would’ve warned you that he was coming. I guess Dad wasn’t thrilled when he stopped by either. And I definitely would’ve told him to stay the hell away.”

  “I know, Mia. It’s okay.” No longer hungry, I threw my chunk of muffin onto the napkin.

  In a matter of minutes, I laid it all out for her. Mia listened attentively while I rambled on about Drew. And when I was done and everything had spilled out, she sat back with her arms folded across her chest and a smile plastered on her lips.

  “He’s just… amazing. Funny and smart, caring. Crazy adventurous—”

  Her smile grew. “Yes, you said that already.”

  I dropped my elbows on the table, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes. My head weighed a ton from the heaviness of my thoughts. It was overwhelming. “But I messed it all up.”

  Mia reached out to touch my wrist. “I doubt it.”

  Her tone was reassuring but it didn’t bypass the layers of guilt. “He’s had a tough life, Mia, and he trusted me. But when Glenn showed up, I didn’t know what to do. My anxiety kicked in and I couldn’t speak up. I didn’t want to hurt either one of them.”

  Her mouth dipped into a frown. “Did you take your anxiety pills when you needed them?”

  “I forgot them.”

  “Sam—”

  “Mia, don’t start. Those pills are mild and I rarely take them. They’re only to take the edge off if I absolutely need them. And I actually was fine when I was away. You know, Drew, he never made me feel odd about my idiosyncrasies. He just accepted them.”

  “That’s how it’s supposed to be.” Her fingers traveled to the end of her braid and she twirled. That had always been her tell, and I knew something big was coming. She huffed a breath that verged on a sigh. “In the past hour I’ve heard more passion from you in talking about Drew than I’ve ever heard from you. Including when you told me you were marrying Glenn.”

  On the outside, everything made sense. Everything fit. But inside, I was a complete disaster. And while her words rang true, I didn’t have the first clue what to do about them now.

  “I don’t know how it happened, but in such a short time he became someone who mattered.” I laughed. I had to or I probably would’ve broken down. “Ironic, isn’t it? Glenn walks away and I end up finding something I didn’t even know I was looking for. And then he walks away too.”

  Mia covered my hand with hers. “I think Drew walked away because he didn’t feel like he had a choice. It was a difficult situation, but you didn’t do anything wrong. Okay, maybe you could’ve spoken up. But think about it, what would you have said?” Her reassuring words didn’t lessen the tightness in my chest. She grabbed her cup from the table and slurped the rest of her drink.

  “Ladylike as always, Tiny,” I teased, and she lifted her chin with pride.

  “You got that right, Sammy. And now this girl is going to help you get your man back. You said he’s in New York, right? So he should be easy to look up then.”

  “In a city of over eight million people? Sure, it shouldn’t be too hard.”

  She flicked a blueberry at me. “Stop being so pessimistic. Do you want help or not?”

  All the breath drained from my chest. “From you. Always.”

  “I have a few hours before I need to be at the salon, so let’s get to it.” Mia stood and slung her purse over her shoulder then retrieved her empty cup.

  “Where are we going?” I balled the remainder of my muffin into a napkin and slid off the chair, tossing it into a nearby trashcan. “Honestly, I’m not sure he’s going to want to talk to me.”

  Mia stopped just short of the door, turning around to place a firm hand against my chest. She looked up at me with those piercing green eyes. “You’re doing it again. Stop thinking so much and just do. Because you’re right. You have no control over what he’s going to do. You only have control over you. Now…” Her dimples creased her cheeks. “Do you want to find him?”

  “Yes,” I answered, and she nodded, backing through the door with purpose. In so many ways, Mia was light years ahead of me. I might have been the older one, but she was definitely more put together.

  As we stepped out into the sunshine, I tried to hold tight to her words, but they seemed to melt away. I was left worrying that maybe Drew didn’t want to be found.

  Not by me anyway.

&n
bsp; EVERYTHING HAD LOST its fucking shine.

  Except this.

  This was the only thing that kept me going. Maybe because it brought me closer to my mom. I wasn’t sure. But then again, I wasn’t sure of much these days.

  I was all messed up inside. A foreign ache sat in my chest and I didn’t know what the fuck to do with it. In the past few weeks, I’d tried to drink it away, and for a second, even considered fucking it away. But after being with Sam, I didn’t want to be with anyone else. Because I needed the feeling that came with it. It was no longer just sex.

  Instead, I lost myself in my job, working ridiculously long hours at Saks and swimming in between at the YMCA. So much of me wanted to go back to before. Before I stepped onto the plane. Before I met Sam. While I couldn’t necessarily say I was blissed out, I had a routine and knew where I belonged in this world. Now, I didn’t have a fucking clue.

  With a rough breath, I sent all my frustration into the air and pushed through the entrance of the soup kitchen. One foot in the door, and whatever problems I thought I had were put into perspective. Seeing mothers with small children, elderly men, and teens with empty pockets and nothing but the tattered clothing on their backs made everything else fade away.

  “There he is.” Joe Calloway, my close friend, and the person responsible for running the kitchen walked over to greet me. With his greying beard and small potbelly, he looked like he could’ve been my grandfather. Except he had kind eyes, and an even kinder heart. “We missed you, son.” His hand clamped down on my shoulder. “People ‘round here were asking where you’d gone to.” He scratched at his beard. “Where was it you’d gone to again?”

  “Someplace tropical, Joe.”

  “Right.” He nodded. “Like that Tom Hanks fella in Castaway.”

  I chuckled. “Yeah, something like that.”

  “Come.” He gestured with a tip of his head. “Let’s put you to work.”

  For the next three hours, I immersed myself in generosity and loyalty. In the kindness of people who started out as strangers and became so much more. During the years I’d been volunteering at the soup kitchen, this place had come to feel like home. I saw a piece of myself in every person who walked through that door. In their appreciation of a warm meal, a genuine smile, the gentle touch of a hand. It was also a constant reminder that had it not been for my grandfather, I could easily have been one of them.