by Aratare, X.
Maybe all I needed was a good dose of sea air, Gabriel chuckled to himself.
His heart rate had slowed down to a normal rate so he decided to walk along the beach for a time rather than rush back inside. He was careful not to let his feet touch the water, though. He was feeling better about things, but he wasn’t that brave.
Though I can almost imagine what it would be like to have the water rushing over my bare skin.
He had gone about one hundred yards down the beach when he spotted a pile of clothing lying on the sand. He couldn’t help his grin as he realized that someone from the party had decided to go skinny dipping, or at least had stripped down to their underwear. More than one person, as he realized that there was another pile beside the first. He decided that he had best head back to the house so he didn’t disturb whoever it was.
Besides, I did well. Here I am a few feet from the water and I’m perfectly calm. No panic attacks. No heart palpitations. No shortness of breath. This is good. Excellent, really.
That was when he heard a strangled cry for help from the water. His head jerked towards the sound. He squinted out into the darkness and strained his ears.
“Hello? Is someone out there? Do you need help?” Gabriel called.
“Help! Help!” a faint female voice called back.
“Where are you?” Gabriel’s spine stiffened as if cold water had been thrown on him.
“In the water! He’s—he’s unconscious! I—I can’t—can’t get him in!” the woman cried.
Someone was drowning! “Hold on! I’ll get you some help!”
He spun around to race back towards the party and get some assistance. He couldn’t go in the water. He simply couldn’t!
“No! Don’t go! He’s slipping under! I can’t hold him up anymore! Please!” The voice was laced with terror.
Cold, slick sweat covered Gabriel’s body. His legs felt as weak as cooked noodles. He wanted to sink down in the sand and hold his head and moan. “I can’t ...”
“Please! He’s slipping! He’s going to die!”
Gabriel looked back towards the party. There was no one near enough to call to. He was the only one. His actions would determine this unknown man’s fate.
“Honey, hang on! Please hang on!” the voice pleaded.
You are the best swimmer in your class, Gabriel. His mother’s phantom voice swam up in his memory.
It’s been over ten years since I touched the water. What if I freeze up out there?
You’re my water baby, his mother’s voice whispered. You would live in the ocean if you could.
“Help us! Please!” the woman cried once more.
I’m the only chance he’s got. Move. Dammit. MOVE!
Sick to his stomach, with his mind in a dangerous spiral of panic and an overwhelming feeling of numbness coursing through his limbs, Gabriel somehow forced himself to move towards the voice. He forced himself to plunge into the water. The liquid hit his feet, then thighs, and then there was this thrum. It was as if a drum had been hit hard and the sound had rippled out into the ocean in waves. Gabriel stumbled and nearly fell to his knees.
What the hell was that?
But he didn’t have a chance to think about it further, because the woman’s voice rose again, “Help! Oh, God, his head’s going under!”
The voice’s pitiful plea had his legs working again. His skin felt like it was drinking in the water. His movements became more sure and graceful. He put his arms over his head and dove beneath the waves.
Don’t think. Just do. Your body will remember, his mother’s voice assured him.
As sea water closed over his head for the first time in over a decade, he was surprised how easily swimming came back to him. The slick feeling of water all around him was familiar and wondrous. He propelled himself beneath the waves, only surfacing when the water was neck-deep. A sliver of panic worked its way down his spine as the waves lapped up against his chin. But he shoved the panic down.
“Where are you?” he called. All he could see was black water and the spray of stars above him.
Mom, where’s Dad?
“We’re here!” Her voice was closer than before, but still far away. He could hear the exhaustion in it. She was losing her ability to stay afloat with her companion.
Don’t let go of the boat, Gabriel. No matter what. Don’t let go.
He looked for the bob of heads above the waterline. He saw them about another thirty feet out. He didn’t think. He didn’t allow himself to feel. He just swam.
I’m going to get your father. And then we’ll swim back to you. We’ll come back to you.
“I’m coming! Hold on!” he cried as he stroked towards them. His body moved effortlessly, cutting through the waves as if he had been swimming for all of his life and hadn’t taken over ten years off. The only discomfort he experienced was in his sides. They ached, but he was too filled with adrenaline to care.
“Hurry.” Her voice barely rose above the slapping of the waves.
He felt the depth of the water change, opening up below him. He was a few feet from the girl and knew that the ocean floor was ten feet beneath them.
“I’m here,” he said.
Her hair was plastered to her forehead. Her breath was coming in harsh gasps. She had both arms hooked beneath the armpits of her companion. His lolling head rested against her chest.
“We were horsing around and—and somehow we got taken out so far and then … then he went under! I think he might have inhaled some water by mistake. I don’t know! I got to him, but—but he was under for a while.” She took in a gulping breath of air that sounded like a sob.
Was Dad already dead before Mom swam out to him?
“There’s a lot of undertow here. You don’t need to explain. It’s okay. We’ve just got to get you guys on land.” Gabriel slung one of the guy’s arms over his shoulders while the girl mirrored his actions with the other arm. “Now slow and steady. We’re going to swim back towards the beach. We can do this.”
She nodded, unable to speak any more. They made slow though hardly steady progress. The waves weren’t large, but the undertow nipped at Gabriel’s feet. He realized that they were moving more sideways than forward.
“This is what happened before!” the girl cried.
“It’s okay. We’re going to go with the current. We’ve got to swim diagonally towards shore,” he instructed. Luckily, that would take them nearer to the house with the party.
She just nodded.
He tried to take more of the guy’s weight. He used his powerful runner’s legs to kick the water and propel them forward. While it had taken him less than five minutes to reach them, it took them nearly twenty to get back to shore. But eventually, Gabriel’s feet were able to touch bottom. He had the girl swim ahead to the beach while he carried the other man in.
The people on the deck were the first to see the three emerge from the water. When the girl collapsed on the sand and cried out hoarsely for an ambulance, dozens of phones were pulled out and calls made. Gabriel tried to carry the young man towards the house, but he was dead weight. Gabriel set him down on the sand. The young man vomited up water. The girl was instantly at his side.
“Oh, God, Jim, are you all right?”
Jim gave her a watery assent. Gabriel crouched down on his other side and patted his back. The guy looked like he was going to survive. Gabriel suddenly noticed Corey bursting out of the house and onto the porch.
“Gabe! Holy shit! What happened?” Corey cried as he raced over to them from the house.
“He saved our lives,” the girl said. She was only wearing her underwear, but she caught hold of Gabriel’s hand and squeezed it. “Thank you.”
“It’s … it’s okay,” Gabriel said faintly.
Jenny appeared behind Corey. Her face was even paler than before. “The ambulance is on its way.”
Corey thumped Gabriel’s back. “Crap, Gabriel, you go out for a walk and look what happens!”
“You c
an’t take me anywhere,” Gabriel managed to get out.
He sagged back onto his haunches. Exhaustion crashed down on him. His breathing was more ragged than it had been in the water. His limbs felt terribly heavy and ungainly. The partygoers surrounded him in droves, congratulating him, thumping his shoulders. He could only nod in response. He felt so breathless and ill.
“Gabe, you’re looking like you could use an ambulance too,” Corey said when he pulled back to look at Gabriel critically.
“I—I think I just want to take off for home once the ambulance gets here. If that’s okay,” he said.
“Of course, man. No problem,” Corey assured him.
Gabriel turned his head towards the water. Beyond the ill feeling, there was another feeling. A familiar feeling. Something was coming. Something amazing.
3
SOMEONE AMAZING
Corey half-carried Gabriel back to the van after the red and blue lights of the ambulance had faded into the distance.
“Did you hear the paramedic say that Jim was going to be okay?” Corey asked.
Gabriel nodded. He was too out of breath to speak at the moment.
“Did you also hear him say that you saved both their lives?” Corey asked.
Gabriel gave him a weak smile. He forced out, “I’m glad—glad I could help.”
He saw Corey wince at how winded he sounded. Gabriel gritted his teeth. He should have just nodded again. He didn’t even have the strength left to hide the fact that he really wasn’t well. Rescuing the couple had exhausted him, though he didn’t think his tiredness could all be blamed on his harrowing swim. In fact, he had felt full of strength when he was swimming, light and able to soar through the water, but now that he was back on land he felt so incredibly heavy. Each step, weighed down by gravity, was more tiring and harder than the last. He almost longed for the return of weightlessness he had felt in the ocean.
The water still terrified him, especially when he thought of its raw power and utter ruthlessness. It would have snatched that couples’ lives away tonight if he hadn’t come to help them. He knew he was anthropomorphizing the water, but to him the sea was alive. It could be generous and kind one moment and brutal and cruel the next. And yet, he couldn’t stop thinking about the freedom he had felt while swimming or his secret, almost shameful wish that there was another excuse for him to throw his fears away and throw his body into the water once more.
Then there was that weird thrum or pulse or whatever it was when I stepped into the water. Maybe that’s a whole new reason to stay away from the sea.
Gabriel could still feel the ghost of that thrum. It seemed to be running through his body like the lingering vibrations that continue on long after a bell has been rung. Was the thrum just his imagination? Had he only fantasized that the thrum had raced out from him into the ocean’s depths?
And is it totally crazy that I feel like something knows I got into the open water for the first time since Mom and Dad’s deaths? That something is going to happen because of it? Something amazing? No, no amazing. Probably something that’s more likely terrifying …
Corey popped open the van’s passenger door and Gabriel used all of his strength to lift himself up into the vehicle. After he had collapsed into the seat, Corey had to clip his seat belt closed for him. Gabriel let his eyelids slide shut then. He heard Corey get in the driver side and the rumble of the van coming to life. They drove for a while in silence. Gabriel almost fell asleep, but he could feel Corey’s fear for him and it kept him conscious.
“Are you okay, Gabe?” Corey’s voice was small, which was totally unnatural as there was nothing small about his best friend. “I mean, I know you’re not okay, but … but are you okay? Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just crashing. The adrenaline is wearing off. Swimming the three of us back with that undertow took more energy than running a marathon,” Gabriel explained. It was half the truth, anyways.
“Oh, adrenaline, and then the crash, right, of course! You would be exhausted.” Corey sounded utterly relieved. “Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Because you have your worry eyes in and are afraid I’m dying in this seat?” Gabriel snorted softly.
“I think I should try and patent the Corey Worry-Eyes,” Corey joked.
“They’ll look for trouble so you don’t have to,” Gabriel intoned before coughing. The air was so dry. He tried swallowing repeatedly to get saliva into his mouth. “We’ll make a mint.”
“Nice.” Corey grinned. “We’ll be independently wealthy and can live a life of indolence.”
“We pretty much do that now,” Gabriel pointed out.
“Good point. But seriously, Gabe, don’t you worry. We’ll crash the second we get back to the dorms, and tomorrow you’ll be right as rain,” Corey assured him.
“Sounds like a plan. I think I’ll sleep like the dead,” Gabriel said, then added with a smile, “Metaphorically speaking, of course.”
“Of course.” Corey laughed, too, and he was happy again.
Gabriel was relieved, because he didn’t want Corey worried about him—or, more accurately, even more worried about him than he already was. If Corey suddenly became sure that something was really wrong with him, then Gabriel’s own denial on the subject might start to crack and he would have to do something about it. And he didn’t want to do anything about it at all. He wanted to ignore everything wrong with him and somehow, magically, start feeling normal again.
Normal. I miss that so much. Just feeling normal rather than exhausted all the time. Not having to worry whether I’ll have the energy to go on a run or stay awake in class. Funny how I felt the closest to normal in ages—actually better than normal—in the water. If I hadn’t been in an absolute panic saving those people, I might have actually enjoyed it.
Corey got them back to the dorms quickly. The parking lot was empty, as most of the students had already cleared out for the summer or were partying it up elsewhere. They trudged inside and Corey hit the button for the elevator. There was no way that Gabriel was walking up any stairs at that moment. Gabriel relished the quiet. Maybe he really would sleep like the dead. He found himself frowning. Despite his exhaustion, he was still feeling that stirring of strange excitement in his chest that he used to get when he was a kid.
Something is going to happen. Something amazing. Oh, God, stop!
He leaned against the back of the elevator as it wheezed its way to their floor.
Please brain, just stop. I want to sleep.
But the feeling only intensified and his poor exhausted body started to shake. He knew what that meant. He would sleep, but it wouldn’t be a restful sleep. He would dream.
I’m going to dream of the sea tonight.
Before his parents’ deaths, he had dreamed of swimming in the sea almost every night. In his dreams the sea was a beautiful, wondrous place and his own personal playground. When he woke up from those dreams, he would feel depressed that he had left the water. But after his parents’ deaths, Gabriel had stopped remembering his dreams. It was as if he had locked a part of his mind away from himself. Yet even though it hadn’t happened in years, he knew he would dream that night and remember it. And it would be a sea dream again. He was sure of it.
Gabriel knew that he should have made some excuse to stay awake and avoid the sea dream as soon as Corey opened the door to their dorm room, but one look at his bed had him mumbling a good night as he collapsed on top of his lumpy mattress. His body stopped twitching the moment he touched the sheets. He felt Corey gently pull a blanket over him. He grunted his thanks, or hoped he did.
He must have immediately fallen into a dream, as the rush and shush of the ocean suddenly filled his ears and he knew he couldn’t hear the sea from his dorm room. The sound surrounded him and the thrum returned. Gabriel’s eyelids sprang open, but he wasn’t staring into his pillow. He was staring out at a midnight blue void.
The sea. I’m dreaming. I’m really dreaming of being
in the water again.
He was suspended, weightless, in the depths, but it was not the terrifying, crushing depths he sometimes imagined where his parents’ boat had crumpled like an empty pop can as it sank to the bottom of the ocean hundreds of feet below the surface. These waters were peaceful. Gabriel drew in a breath. He could breathe easily. He moved his arms by his sides. He could move gracefully. The leaden heaviness that plagued him on land was gone. There was none of the claustrophobia he had sometimes felt in shallow water either. Instead, there was just a vast expanse of water all around him beckoning him to swim freely. Gabriel kicked his feet and began to move in the silky, dark blue sea.
I’m not afraid. I can’t drown here. It’s just a dream. That’s all. A dream where I can be free.
Gabriel grinned as he saw small phosphorescent creatures like fish, shrimp and krill twirling around him. They performed a beautiful light show for his singular enjoyment. His smile grew, delighted by what he saw.
I’d forgotten how good these dreams are.
He spun onto his back and saw the surface of the water fifty feet above his head, but the distance didn’t cause his heart to stutter. He didn’t have to worry about air. He could breathe water. He didn’t need the leaden pull of land.
Will I remember this tomorrow? Will I look at the sea and think of this or think of my parents’ deaths?
For a moment he thought he saw the silhouette of his parents’ boat plunging down towards the ocean floor out of the corner of his eye, but when he turned his head there was nothing there but silvery moonlit water. He was alone except for the flashing fish that swam in colorful schools in the distance. He was grateful that his mind wasn’t offering him his parents swimming up from the deep to see him. He knew that he couldn’t imagine them as they once were, only how they had become: destroyed by the sea.
I don’t want to think of that day or my parents right now. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I—I want to just … swim. I want to be free for one night.
Gabriel kicked his feet and reached ahead of him with his arms. His body just cut through the water. His muscles rippled beneath his skin and it felt so good. He was strong again. Well again. This was beyond feeling normal. He felt incredible. Suddenly, he sensed a tug from below. He slowed his swimming and looked down. He stopped swimming altogether, just treading water as he stared and stared and stared.