by Aratare, X.
Without waiting for Casillus’ acquiescence Gabriel crept over to his door, drawing the Mer after him by their clasped hands. He peered out into the hallway. Just moonlight and shadows. And Corey’s snoring. Gabriel found himself smiling at the familiar sound. He had gone to sleep every night to that melody through college, and with a pang, he realized that if he really was going into the sea he wouldn’t be hearing it for very much longer.
Shaking the sadness of that thought away, Gabriel whispered to the Mer, “It’s all clear.”
You can speak to me through our bond again so that we are quieter, Casillus suggested.
“Yeah, I mean …” Yeah, I just naturally want to speak out loud when you’re in front of me.
I think I understand. Casillus gave him a nod. Seeing me and speaking mind to mind feels more … intimate to you.
Gabriel rubbed the back of his neck. Intimate? I guess you’re right about that, but I also want to be as precise as I can be. That’s easier when I speak rather than just think things.
Precise? Casillus’ eyebrows rose. Why? What do you fear will happen if you are not precise?
Instead of answering right away, Gabriel opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. He grimaced as the floorboards groaned beneath their bare feet. Old houses creaked, and the cottage was no exception. He just prayed that neither his grandmother or Corey woke up because of the stealthy noises. He walked heel to toe to minimize the sound of his footsteps as he drew Casillus across the hallway. The Mer did the same.
It wasn’t until they were in the bathroom, with the door shut securely behind them, that he had a chance to answer Casillus’ question. He felt Casillus waiting for him to speak, but his thoughts were in a jumble. Admitting why he wanted to be precise was part of why he didn’t want to just think things, but say them. But he had no choice. Casillus was waiting and he owed it to the Mer to try and be honest. He was glad that he hadn’t switched the light on as he faced only velvety darkness. Like Casillus had said, there was a greater sense of intimacy when he saw the Mer while they talked with their minds.
I need to be precise, because … because I can’t control my thoughts very well around you.
Casillus’ grasp on his hand tightened slightly. Gabriel, you need not be worried—
I do, Gabriel insisted, feeling his chest seize. The Mer must always be good and kind like you, because I can’t imagine having my thoughts open to the world and not being judged poorly for them. I’m good and kind maybe one percent of the time! What about the other ninety-nine percent?
We are not always so. Acceptance, understanding and tolerance are necessary traits, I suppose, but not perfection, Casillus said in a fond tone. And from what I am learning of you, you do not need to worry about how Mer will perceive you.
You haven’t seen all of me. You won’t like it, Gabriel answered mulishly. He could think of so many petty and stupid thoughts that went through his head every minute of every day. The thought of having Casillus hear those made him cringe.
And if I do not like you, I’ll leave you? Casillus’ tone was tentative.
Gabriel took in a shaky breath and found himself answering out loud again. “I have this thing about abandonment and speaking out loud helps keep distance between me and … you.”
You fear abandonment because of your parents? Casillus’ voice was soft, gentle, but the words drew Gabriel up short.
His mind flashed back to his devastation, to the sense of betrayal he felt, when his mother had left him clinging to the boat while she swam out to his father. He realized that Casillus either knew about that or sensed it despite his desire to keep it hidden, even from himself. He found himself confessing, “My parents loved one another so completely that sometimes, when I look back, I realize I wasn’t … necessary. I was just a moon orbiting them. They were complete together. My mother … she died because of that. She went to save my father. She left the boat, left me, to go to him, but he was already dead. She didn’t know that, but even if she had, I don’t think that would have stopped her from swimming out to him.”
That is the Mer way.
Gabriel’s head shot up. “What do you mean?”
When a Mer finds their mate, none is as important as that mate. Not even the offspring of that union, though such offspring are beloved.
“Yeah.” Gabriel nodded. “That’s exactly how it was.” He flashed back to the image of his mother and father being pulled down into the deep by the boat. “I just wish they had gotten the part of being Mer that would have let them breath underwater.”
Oh, Gabriel …
Gabriel felt the Mer moving to mentally embrace him, but he couldn’t accept his pity right now. Not about his parents. It would dredge the dream up again, and he couldn’t face that twice in one night. “It’s all right. I just wanted to explain why it’s so hard for me to get close to people, because they’ll leave and I … I can’t bear that.”
Suddenly Casillus’ other hand was cupping Gabriel’s face, and Gabriel was shocked at how soft his skin was. You paint yourself so harshly for natural feelings. Love and loss, jealousy and envy, anger and joy … all of these are what make us up and make us interesting. They make YOU interesting.
But not a nice person, Gabriel responded mentally. He couldn’t speak out loud at that moment because fine tremors were running through him in response to Casillus’ simple caress of his cheek.
Niceness is overrated, the Mer said, and there was an amused tint to his mind voice. It was something Corey would say, and Gabriel wondered if the Mer had gotten that from his mind.
Gabriel couldn’t help but smile, though, and he ducked his head. Maybe you’re right.
I am.
Gabriel drew in a deep breath. All right. Now brace yourself. I’m going to turn on the light. It’s going to be bright.
I’m more than ready to see you again.
Gabriel mentally let go of the safety of the dark. He blindly felt for the switch and flipped it up. Warm, yellow light flooded the bathroom. He blinked as the world swam back into focus and nearly gasped when he realized how close Casillus was to him. The Mer’s face was only a few inches from his own. This was the first time he had ever seen Casillus in full light. Those stunning blue-green eyes looked even more luminous up close with their larger-than-human pupils. The Mer was still cupping Gabriel’s cheek with one hand while the other was holding one of Gabriel’s hands.
Casillus tilted his head to the side as Gabriel continued to stare at him in open-mouthed silence. You are so worried about your thoughts, Gabriel, when your expressions show so much more.
Gabriel blushed hotly and turned away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stare. I—”
I find you beautiful as well, the Mer interrupted his apology.
A tremor went through Gabriel. He didn’t know what to say to that for a moment, then he got out, “See? This is what I mean. So much honesty. Nothing’s secret.”
You did not wish me to know that you find me beautiful? Casillus’ eyes lit with an inner glow.
“You being beautiful is a fact, not just my opinion,” Gabriel said, though his voice sounded rather rough.
Then you have given nothing away at all. The Mer was smiling softly.
“I guess not.” Gabriel cleared his throat and broke their physical connection. He quickly kneeled by the side of the tub, turning the faucet handles so that more warm water was flowing than cold. He tested the water with one hand, but he barely registered the temperature as all of his focus kept going back to the Mer who stood beside him. “Let me fill the tub. You should get in first.”
I thought we were going to get in together, Casillus said. His tone was unreadable.
A shiver went through Gabriel. “Ah, well, we might not both fit. You go in first and we’ll see.”
Gabriel hoped the temperature of the bath wasn’t too hot for Casillus as he stoppered the tub and allowed it to fill. He was trembling slightly, and he wasn’t sure if it was from his usual weakness or
Casillus’ presence. He stood and backed up until his butt hit the sink. He sagged against it. It was only then that he allowed himself to look at the Mer. Casillus was regarding him quietly.
“Get on in. See if you like it.” Gabriel gestured towards the tub.
Casillus cocked his head to the side as if to add something else then. Gabriel almost felt those words about to cross over their bond, but then the Mer merely nodded and put one foot into the water. There was immediately a sense of delight over their bond.
It is warm! Like near the undersea vents. This will be most pleasant! Casillus exclaimed.
Gabriel found himself smiling at Casillus’ almost childish delight with the warm water. The Mer immediately put his other foot into the tub and sank down into the water. He put his toes under the faucet’s spray and wiggled them. He turned towards Gabriel with a wide smile on his face.
You must get in with me, Gabriel! It is wonderful! the Mer enthused. There is plenty of room.
“I—I don’t want to crowd you,” Gabriel said even though a part of him longed to have water surrounding his skin. His whole body felt tight and dry again.
Casillus spread his legs and indicated that Gabriel should sit between them just like Gabriel had imagined. You will not, and I see the longing in your eyes to be in the warm water. Come, shed your clothing and join me.
“Shed my clothing?” Gabriel gave out a strangled laugh.
You cannot get into the water in your clothes. I know this is true among humans. Though humans do wear swimsuits in the ocean, they do not in the bath. Is that not correct? Casillus said. Besides, you are Mer. Mer do not wear such things.
“Really? Then what’s with the thing around your waist? Is that not clothing?” Gabriel challenged.
Casillus touched the wispy material. This identifies my House and position.
“You’re House Nerion, right?” Gabriel remembered. “So what’s your position?”
Casillus actually lowered his head and appeared almost uncomfortable for the first time. Gabriel was about to retract the question, fearing that even when speaking out loud he had said something offensive, but then Casillus responded, I am a prince.
Gabriel blinked. “You’re a prince? Like, royalty?”
Casillus nodded. House Nerion has ruled the Mer for millennia. My father and mother are the king and queen.
Gabriel’s mouth opened and closed for a few seconds before he got out, “You’re a prince. The prince of all the Mer, and you’re here, hanging out with me in my bathroom?”
Casillus’ head rose up and there was a twitch of a smile on his lips. It is a wonderful bathroom.
Gabriel shook his head, stunned at the information. “This is crazy. You shouldn’t be wasting your time with me! I mean I’m—I’m not a prince or anything!” Casillus did that head tilt again, which Gabriel had figured out meant he was confused by Gabriel’s beliefs. “I know, I know, every Mer is precious, but how did I get so damned lucky that you were the one to find me? And take such good care of me? Surely you have duties and a lot more important things to do!”
Finding you was … was meant, Casillus said as he ran his fingers through the warm water, which had Gabriel licking his lips. He felt so parched again.
“Meant?” Gabriel’s stomach fluttered.
I was called and you were there. This is meant.
Gabriel wanted to ask more about this call, but there was still a sense that Casillus was holding something back. Gabriel didn’t think he was holding something bad back, but rather something Casillus did not want to discuss at that moment. In any event, it was a strange cautiousness for the normally open Mer.
Casillus added, House Liseas is the most important House after Nerion. House Nerion and House Liseas have a long history of friendship.
“Well, that’s cool, but I’m not exactly an important person in House Liseas. Not important enough for the prince of all Mer to be my personal guide into Mer-dom,” Gabriel pointed out. He realized he had acknowledged that he was some part of Mer society right there. It felt both right and strange.
On the contrary, Aemrys is the head of House Liseas. You are quite important, Casillus pointed out.
Gabriel shook his head. “Clearly, I have a lot to learn.”
And I have the time and desire to teach you. Come into the water, Gabriel. Casillus extended one hand towards him, and Gabriel found he didn’t want to resist the water’s—or Casillus’—pull any longer.
“All right. You win. I will ‘shed’ my clothes.” Gabriel pulled off his shirt without much thought and tossed it into the corner, but then his hands went to his shorts. His eyes snapped up and met Casillus’ gaze at that moment. The Mer was looking at him rather avidly. There was no hiding his interest.
What is wrong, Gabriel? Why do you hesitate?
“I just … nothing.” It wasn’t nothing. It was shyness. It was fear that the Mer would not like what he saw. But Gabriel undid the button on his shorts. He grasped the waistband and his underwear, and in one fluid motion he pushed both down to his ankles. Then he stepped out of his clothes. He was naked but for the kalish around his neck. It felt cool against his bare skin. When he straightened up, he immediately looked at the Mer’s face again to see his reaction. Casillus was studying his body. The Mer’s eyes slid up and down Gabriel’s form. Gabriel forced his hands to remain at his sides and his limbs to not tighten up. “Well? What do you think? Am I Mer material?”
The question was meant to be half joking, but Gabriel couldn’t help but compare his own physique to Casillus’. He had never had any concerns about how he looked, but Casillus was on a whole other level of beauty that left him feeling insecure about his own attractiveness.
You are … so lovely, Casillus suddenly breathed out after he had completed his inspection.
“Oh, good, I was worried there for a moment.” Gabriel let out a self-conscious laugh.
You will bring great pride to House Liseas for your incredible mind and healthy form, Casillus continued in a serious vein. Aemrys’ joy at finding you may actually eclipse his grief.
“He still mourns Tabatha?” Gabriel couldn’t imagine mourning someone for a hundred years, but maybe that showed more about his own shallowness than the impossibility of it.
Casillus nodded. He mourns what could have been.
“What about his son? Didn’t he come and visit him?” Gabriel asked.
His child could not take to the water, but the child never left this house by the sea. Aemrys came and saw him often. On the day of his son’s death, Aemrys helped the old man his son had become into the waves and held him as he passed, Casillus said.
Gabriel was stunned into silence for a moment. The image was both beautiful and incredibly sad. “His son didn’t live forever because he didn’t have enough of the Mer gene?”
Yes, he could not take to the water so the other gifts of the Mers were lost as well, Casillus explained.
At that moment, Gabriel realized that the bath was nearly overflowing. He dove for the faucet’s handles and cranked both into the off position. The small drain set into the side of the tub had been sipping down the water, but couldn’t keep up with the flow. Now that the deluge from the faucet was gone, it started to lower the water to a manageable level. Gabriel gave a laugh as he turned on his knees towards Casillus.
“That was close. I think flooding the bathroom would definitely cause my grandmother to wake up,” Gabriel said.
Yes, and my presence would require some explanation.
“Oh, yeah, I can only imagine how I would explain a merman in my grandmother’s bathtub,” Gabriel agreed.
His eyes met and caught the Mer’s once more. Love always shows up first in the eyes. His mother’s phrase repeated in his mind as he became lost once more in Casillus’ blue-green gaze.
Will you get in now? The water level is low enough that it will not overflow, the Mer said. There was a sensual tint to his voice.
Gabriel’s gaze dropped down to the water. See
ing Casillus’ almost naked body with his legs invitingly spread was almost too much for him. He stood up on numb legs and found himself stepping into the tub without further thought or conversation. He sank down into the hot water. He let out a sigh as the water covered him. He pushed his legs out towards the faucet. The soft, silky slide of Casillus’ inner thighs against his legs was heavenly.
Casillus urged Gabriel to lay back against his chest. Gabriel slowly did so. He felt the long length of Casillus’ cock against his ass and lower spine. He shivered in pleasure. Casillus was half erect. The Mer brought his hands up and began to gently pour water over Gabriel’s pectoral muscles. Almost immediately Gabriel felt the itching in his sides and he tensed up in alarm.
Gabriel? What is it?
It’s happening again! My sides—the gills! They’re—they’re coming out! Gabriel found himself naturally falling into mindspeak as panic settled in. It allowed him to hold onto Casillus mentally and physically. He tried to sit up but the Mer held him still.
Be calm, Gabriel. Let it happen, Casillus soothed.
Gabriel was tense as a bow, but Casillus continued to stroke his chest and hair, urging him to lay back again. The itching in his sides increased. His heart hammered. Would it happen again? Would the gills appear? If they did there was no more hiding from the fact that he was a Mer. He felt the almost familiar sensation of his skin unzipping and then his difficulty breathing was suddenly just gone. Gabriel went still as a statue. He could feel the gills moving along his sides. Feel them fluttering.
Good, Gabriel. You did it, Casillus said.
I did … what?
Look down, Casillus urged.
Gabriel shuddered, but he slowly let his gaze slide down to his sides. The gills were there. Just like Casillus’. A Mer’s body looked back at him. He was a Mer.
Gabriel found himself letting out a choked sob. He tried to cover his mouth, to keep the sound in, but Casillus was turning him so that Gabriel’s head was tucked between his chin and chest. Gabriel’s hands clutched at him.
I’m a Mer! Casillus, I’m a Mer!