by T. S. Joyce
No, fuck that. She was already imperfect and her flaws were so obvious. So out there. Admitting any more weakness always felt like too much.
“You’re not what?” he asked.
She gritted her teeth and looked at the ground. Her animal stirred, and everything sucked. The animal always woke up when she was angry at herself, but for nothing else. For no other reason. She could be running for her life right now and the damn cow would stay asleep. But oh, if she realized something bad about herself, the animal perked right up. She was so fucking broken. “I’m going to go check on Duke.”
He didn’t say anything as she put her jacket on and left. Or maybe he did, but she didn’t turn around to read his lips. She told him, “Oh, thank you very much for dinner,” before she turned chicken and rushed out the door.
The snow was still falling pretty heavy, and now she couldn’t even see the road to get out of here. Crud, crud, crud. She really didn’t like being somewhere she felt like a burden, but she couldn’t drive out like this.
She shoved her feet into her boots and zipped her jacket as she made her way down the stairs. In the barn, Duke was happy, standing along the back wall of his stall with one foot propped up. She opened the door and went inside to give him a hug. He was good at hugs. With Duke, words didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if she couldn’t hear him, his body language was how he spoke to her.
“I’m bad at people,” she murmured. “But you don’t mind if I’m not good at talking. Do you?” She stroked her hands down his neck and removed a few pieces of straw from his mane. He must’ve taken a roll in here while they were eating. He always did that in clean straw.
She didn’t know how long she was in there petting him and scratching all his itchy spots. Time was always lost when she was with him. She was a thinker and everything always made more sense around her horse. She should brush him out. Duke was half asleep already, but he loved getting brushed. When she turned to make her way out of the stall, Tuff was there, perched on the rafter across the way.
She didn’t know what her scream sounded like, but it probably wasn’t pretty.
“Why do you do that?” Tuff asked carefully. He jumped down and landed with scary-little impact. Oh, Tuff was very powerful. The predator shifters always were. “Why are you scared of me?”
“I’m not scared of you.” She lifted her chin higher and wished her racing heart rate would stop betraying her. “I just get startled easily. I can’t hear people coming.”
“No, it’s more than that.” He stalked slowly to the stall door as she came out. “You have a weird tone to your voice when you say that.”
She swallowed hard. Damn wolves and their sixth sense for lying. “What do you want to know, Tuff? Everything? Every imperfection? You don’t answer any questions but I have to answer all the personal ones from you?”
“Yes.”
She huffed a breath and pushed past him, but he jumped over her and blocked her path out. He canted his head like an animal. “Don’t be a runner. Be a stayer. I’m trying.”
“Trying to what?”
“To not do what I always do,” he answered.
“Which is?”
“End up alone.” The earnestness in his eyes froze her in place. “So, tell me your imperfections so I can ease myself into trusting you enough to tell you mine. I can’t just do that for free. That’s not how I’m built. I want to know about you. And I want to try and let you know about me.” His eyes were blazing frost blue right now.
Okay. Okay! Recklessly, she spilled it. “I can’t remember the day I lost this.” She jammed her finger at her missing ear, hidden by her hair. “But I feel scared all the time. On my insides. It’s something that never goes away. There is this shadow in my life that I can’t move past, because I’ve blocked out the memories, but I still have to see this every day and be reminded that someone did something very bad to me. Something that hurt me. And there’s a part of me that is scared that I’ll get hurt again. That I’ll get taken, and I’m at a disadvantage because they took my fucking hearing. I can’t hear someone coming after me. I was lucky to get out, but I still feel alone sometimes. Like if something happened to me, my pain wouldn’t matter. I never knew who my real parents were. I assume they died in that lab because why would they not have come for me when your herd set us free? I didn’t mean to interview you at the dinner table, Tuff. You must do those a lot, and I’m sorry if you thought that’s what this was. I don’t know how to have good conversations. I meant it when I said I like animals more than people, but I was trying too, because I like you. You’re nice and you have layers that are good, and your insides are bright and my animal feels calm around you and so yes, I asked questions because I like knowing about you—”
“Everyone leaves in the off-season.”
“W-what?”
“Every girl I’ve let my guard down with sticks with me while I’m winning. They stick with me through the rodeos and the celebrations and the interviews and the social media. The dressing up and doing their hair and getting the attention and sometimes they made me feel like a king. Like I was something.” His Adam’s apple dipped low in his throat as he swallowed. “But they always leave during the off-season, when I don’t matter.”
Her eyes stung with tears, and she threw her hands out and looked around. “I found you in the off-season, Tuff! I’m not here chasing your rodeos.”
“Then what are you doing here?” he asked. “If you want to connect with my dad and Dead of Winter and Train Wreck, and Two Shots and everyone who came to save you that day, why did you not go see them? My mom was pregnant with me when all that went down. I had nothing to do with it, so why did you come find me? Why didn’t you find them first?”
“I did.”
His face went slack. “What do you mean?”
“I did go find Quickdraw, and your mom. Two days ago. I brought them all six packs of beer, and I had my moment where I got to tell them thank you.”
He looked dumbfounded. “Why didn’t they tell me?”
She shrugged. “You momma just told me to come see you. She said she thought you would like it if I did. So, I did. I’m not here for some mystery reason. I guess I’m here trying to feel less alone. I suppose you can hear the honesty in my voice just fine now. Unfortunately, I can’t hear the honesty in yours. I can’t hear yours at all. ’Scuse me.”
She moved to make her way past him but he held out his hands. “You know how you said you aren’t scared of me?”
She sighed and nodded.
“Well, for me, you’re fuckin’ terrifying.”
“Me? Why? I’m not even a good Hagan heifer. I wouldn’t hurt a fly. My cow would probably tuck tail and run if she got stung by a bee. I’m nothing to be scared of.”
She tried to move past Tuff again, but he said, “Wrong.” He straightened his spine and gripped her shoulders gently. “Stop running and let me have a shot at fucking this up, okay?”
She didn’t understand.
“I got tired of people leaving so I stopped letting them have the chance. Years ago, I stopped. Moved off from my herd, bought this place, and went lone wolf. Sometimes it’s not good for my animal to be alone. The solitude is addicting, but it also makes the wolf harder to manage.” He sighed and let his hands drop from her shoulders. “I went to public school when I was thirteen, when I had control of my animal. Werewolves had just come out to the public and my parents had to register me. The teachers were scared so they put me in this special class with only a few kids who were just little shits. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t the same as for the other human kids. I was kept separate so I only went for a year before I went back to homeschooling with the other kids in my herd. My cousins, as you called them. They were and are my best friends. They are hellions, every last one of them, but they’re good people raised by good people. You asked if I like this place, and I do. I like the work, I like the peace and quiet, and I like that there isn’t a microscope on me when I’m here because good
God I fuck up every thirty seconds when I’m in the spotlight during bucking season. I want to fight every asshole rider who talks smack to me. And what happened in the tack room earlier?” he asked, jamming a finger at the front of the barn, “Was the first time I’ve ever lost my fuckin’ mind over a woman before. That’s why you’re scary to me. My wolf let you right in, and I can tell it’ll hurt when you leave. And shit like that ain’t fair because I only just met you. So I guess I know what you mean about wanting to feel less lonely because I thought that’s all I wanted, but now I’m thanking Mother Nature for snowing you in here with me because I don’t want you to go. You’re funny and interesting and pretty-as-a-picture and you’re easy to work around and quiet and even if you’re a little messy like you said, you have those perfect tits, and that more than makes up for it. I don’t mind cleaning your shit up when you drop it on the floor, I guess is what I’m trying to say.”
She lifted her chin a little higher. Well, he’d taken the fire right out of her anger. She cleared her throat. “I think your penis is perfect, too.”
“Ew.” He screwed up his face. “Don’t call it a penis. Call it a pecker or a dick or something.”
“Your tally whacker is amaze-balls.”
“Nope.”
“Sausage cannon.”
“Stop it.”
“Your quivering member—”
“No!” He grabbed her up and tickled her ribs until she was giggling so hard, she couldn’t utter any more synonyms.
“Okay, okay!” she shrieked, kicking her legs.
Tuff leaned down suddenly and kissed her lips. It was just a quick peck, then he pulled away. “I’m sorry I got all ruffled talking about myself earlier. You’re going to have to go a little easy on me while I figure out how to not fuck this up.”
“I just told you I walk around my whole life as a terrified little weenie, and you think you’re the one who will fuck us up? Ha! I’ve got this in the bag.”
The smile fell from his lips and Tuff pulled at the hairband that held her side messy bun in place. She fought the urge to wince away. To keep that part of her still hidden. She had to force her feet to stay planted as her hair fell out of the band and settled onto her shoulders.
Tuff tucked her hair back behind her ear, and then pushed it past the scars on her cheek to the emptiness that made her face look so lopsided.
“What happened to this one?” he asked, brushing the lobe of her good ear.
She shook her head. “I don’t know. I think the hearing went when they took the other ear. Or maybe they did something bad to it. I just remember being in a white room with bars on the window and then your dad kicked in the door and he picked me up and then I blinked and I was in this car in front of my adoptive parents’ new rental house. They were sitting in the front seat and they were talking but I couldn’t hear their words.” She pursed her lips. “That’s all I’ve got. The people who adopted me were a pair that was in the facility, too. They were Hagans. My mom was pregnant because they’d bred her in there. So, I have a little brother but he was born completely human.”
“Human?” Tuff frowned. “Shifters can only have shifters.”
“The lab was doing a lot of experiments. They did something to make her have a human baby. My parents never wanted to talk about what happened to them in there. They just did their best to give me and my brother a good life. And they did. We’re this little herd of misfits and we work. I love them very, very much. They didn’t have to take me in, and I wasn’t easy to raise, but they never quit on me for even a second. They even learned sign language so they could teach it to me.” Before she could change her mind, she uttered, “I have a secret.”
“Spill it.”
“Swear to keep it safe?”
He stuck out his pinky. “I pinky swear. That’s a very serious swear. Breaking a pinky swear is worse luck than opening an umbrella inside the house.”
She wrapped her pinky around Tuff’s and then sank down onto a bale of hay by the door of Duke’s stall. He sat beside her and leaned back against the barn wall, eyes locked on her.
“My adoptive dad is this old monster, pitch-black purebred longhorn shifter. His name is Lee Nathanial Hagan. Annnnnd…he’s the biological father of Hagan’s Lace.”
Tuff’s face went slack and he lurched up. “Your adoptive father is Raven’s dad?”
She nodded. “He talked about her sometimes. About the mistakes he made when he was brainwashed in one of the Hagan herds. Raven’s mom and him were forced together when they were there. He found out Raven’s mom had adopted her out so the herd wouldn’t cull her and he kept it secret for years. Didn’t even let her mom know he knew Raven was still alive. He followed her whole bucking career. I grew up watching Hagan’s Lace, and my dad would tear up and get so proud when she bucked well. He never contacted her because he thought it would hurt the quality of her life. She’d gone to a good family and ended up a mated pair with Dead of Winter, and with an amazing herd. He didn’t ever want to rock her boat. But I think he carries huge guilt for not being a good father to her when she was a tiny baby, and so he focused on me and my brother and tried to make up for it with us. I’ve watched every buck Hagan’s Lace has ever done with my dad. We cheered her on. I brought everyone six packs of beer the other day, but I also brought Raven flowers. My dad asked me to give them to her from him, but not to tell her. He made me promise, but a huge part of me wanted to break that promise. I think she would like the man he is now.”
“Train Wreck talked about a big black bull in the facility. I heard all the stories and I remember him talking about the black Hagan bull there.” Tuff grinned. “He’s a badass, isn’t he?”
“Look at his daughter. Hagan’s Lace got that brawler-blood from him.”
“Holy shit,” he said, relaxing against the wall again.
She was staring at his lips, and not only because of his words this time. Because of that last kiss. The sweet one. She’d really liked that. Too shy to be that bold quite yet, she leaned over and pressed a kiss to his shoulder instead.
Tuff’s eyes went all soft, and he lifted an arm and settled it around her shoulders. He dragged her closer until she was resting against his side. He wasn’t growling anymore. She could tell because his body wasn’t vibrating.
Tuff sighed and looked down at her. “Today has been the most unexpected day.”
The smile on his face said unexpected was a good thing.
Chapter Four
Luna sat up in bed and kicked out of the sheets in a claustrophobic panic. It was dark. Too dark. Where was her night light? Had the bulb gone out? This didn’t smell like her room.
“H-hello?” She couldn’t hear her voice. Wait. Her breaths came in short pants and she pressed her hand to the side of her face. Her ear wasn’t there. That was her anchor to earth. To reality. It had been another nightmare. Just a dream, nothing more. Luna wished for the thousandth time that her mind would just let her move on.
There was a pair of glowing blue eyes in the corner. That should’ve scared her, but she knew those eyes.
“Tuff?” Was she speaking loud enough? She blinked hard and her vision began adjusting to the dark. “Tuff?” she asked again.
He was to her in three strides. He sat on the edge of the bed and dragged her into his lap, pulled the covers over her and held her tight. He didn’t talk. She could tell because he was growling instead. The vibration rattled her body wherever their skin touched.
He’d let her sleep in his bed last night and she’d repaid him by waking him up with whatever God-awful noises clawed out of her throat while she’d been dreaming.
His heart was pounding hard against her cheek but he was swaying her gently, like nothing was wrong and everything was all right.
She held on tighter to his neck and buried her face against his throat. He smelled like soap, fur, cologne, and Tuff. She was safe. Who would hurt her with a riled-up werewolf holding her? No one who enjoyed survival. He’d made the entire roo
m heavy with the wolf.
Against her, his body was strong and warm and taut. As he swayed her back and forth, back and forth, her muscles began to relax one by one until she was boneless.
Tuff smoothed her hair from her face and didn’t even hesitate to touch her scars. To touch the empty space along her hairline.
“I never let anyone touch me there before,” she admitted in the dark.
She couldn’t read his lips, but she didn’t need to. He still didn’t speak. Tuff just pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles, coveting her. He kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her throat, and back to her forehead.
You’re safe. You’re whole. You’re mine.
The words weren’t spoken, but shown. For a girl like her, that was even more important.
She pulled his big strong hand to her lips and kissed his scarred knuckles. Then kissed his cheek, his lips, his jawline, his throat, his lips again.
I know I’m safe with you. You’re safe with me too. We are whole. I am yours, and you’re mine too.
The growl that rattled his chest faded to nothing and he laid her back down, then climbed under the sheets with her. He didn’t have a shirt on and she reveled in his warmth.
In no time at all, swaddled in his iron embrace, she closed her eyes and fell asleep again.
Chapter Five
In the dim grey light of dawn, Luna pulled on her work boot and settled the hem of her jeans over it. She stood and checked herself in the mirror as she rushed to pull on her thick, wool lined jacket. Her hair was wavy and spilling over her shoulders. She grabbed the hair band off the end table and began pulling her hair into her normal side messy bun to cover her scars.
But…
Tuff didn’t mind scars. Out here it was just him and the horses, and they didn’t give a shit that she was missing an ear either. In fact, Tuff seemed to prefer her hair out of the way. So, she did something she hadn’t done in as long as she could remember. She braided her hair quickly into two braids down her back, pulled on her baseball cap, and then re-checked herself.