Karl: Just pop it on your wrist.
Ricky: No no no. What do you mean ‘just pop it on your wrist?’ How does it work? ‘Just pop it on your wrist.’ Brilliant! You’re an idiot.
Steve: Well it’s interesting that he goes on …
Steve reads from the diary …
Steve: The flight to Gran Canaria was a bit bumpy. I thought about the clock that counts down your life again and I wondered if it would know if you’re going to die in a disaster.
Steve: Now he’s querying his own logic.
Ricky: He’s wondering if it would know. He’s invented this.
Steve: And now he’s not even sure.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Steve: A fella on the plane was reading Koi mag. It was a fishing magazine. I glanced over and noticed he was reading the ‘pond of the month’ article. I don’t think they could make it into a weekly magazine.
Steve: Well to be fair to you I remember seeing a guy on a train once who was reading Carp Monthly – a magazine dedicated entirely to carp – and it had ‘Carp of the Month’. And I thought, once you’re about three months in the editor must be stressing. ‘Have we got any more carp? Have we got a carp that’s actually done anything?’
Ricky: I reckon if they used the same one twice there wouldn’t be many complaints. ‘That’s the carp they used two years ago!’
Steve: There was a really fat bloke on the plane. He was playing on his PSP. While I waited to go to the toilet I looked at what game he was playing. It was darts. He’s that fat and lazy he can’t even face playing a more active game on a games console.
Me and Suzanne got off the coach with a couple of old people. One of ’em was in a wheelchair. I don’t think it was wise of them to come to a volcanic island in a wheelchair. Everywhere’s pretty rough paving and slopey. Guess I’ll keep an eye on it as the week goes on. Day two in Gran Canaria …
Ricky: Brilliant we’re only at day two.
Steve: The hotel is a bit odd. I’ve never seen so many cross- eyed people in one location.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: This is the best diary. This might be the best diary ever written.
Steve: Whilst listening to The Kinks on my iPod, I wondered if everybody thinks in their own accent. I know I do.
Steve: What’s this? What you talking about?
Karl: When I was lying there sat on the lounger, right, and I was thinking about stuff …
Ricky: How do you know you think in your accent? Tell me a typical thought.
Karl: Say if I was, like, if I saw something – do you know how I say ‘that’s a bit weird, innit?’
Ricky: But, when I think, I don’t think the sentence like I’m saying it. It’s just a thought. The thought appears; it’s already there. It’s not like I go, ‘Rick?’ ‘What?’ ‘Just looking over at that fella over there were ya?’ ‘I was, yeah.’ ‘I was thinking he looks a bit weird.’ ‘Oh, so was I.’ I don’t think out whole sentences.
Steve: Whereas you have ‘Karl. Karl. Karl. Stop listening to The Kinks for a minute. Look over there. More cross-eyed people.’ Is that how your mind works?
Karl: In a way, yeah.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: That explains a lot.
Ricky: It’s great that he has to think of whole sentences.
Karl: ’Cos I thought ‘that’s weird, innit’. I didn’t think ‘that’s weird, isn’t it?’ and I thought, ‘I actually think in me accent.’ Then I thought, ‘does Stephen Hawking – when he’s doing his maths and that?’ I don’t know where he’s from so I don’t know what his accent would be like.
Ricky: I think he’s from Kent or Cambridge or Oxford or something.
Steve: So you think he might think in that computurised voice?
Karl: Just wondered.
Steve: Had lunch inside today due to shite weather. Sat next to an old fella. Old men’s ears and noses carry on growing as they get older. Suzanne noticed his fingers were fat too. Maybe they continue to grow. Suzanne didn’t laugh when I said her arse had the same problem.
Cloudy start to the day. Had pie and chips in a cafe. Had an argument with Suzanne ’cos I thought it was daft that we were paying for food on an all-inclusive holiday. Changed my mind when I saw they sold pie though. The cafe was called Tattoo’s. The fella who owns it didn’t have any Tattoos. But we never saw his wife.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: Had a drink in a bar. Everybody sat and watched one of the local cats lick its bollocks.
Ricky is in hysterics.
Ricky: It’s the greatest holiday in the world. That’s the entertainment in that town.
Steve: Went back to the hotel and had a sleep before tea.
Steve: I love the fact that you’re moaning about old people but you’re just as bad.
Ricky: He’s done nothing so far
Steve: He’s done nothing and he’s gone for a kip.
Steve: Woke up to news about ducks being badly treated, there was a really ugly one with bent legs.
Ricky: I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Why does he write this down?
Steve: There is a fat bloke from Bolton who is in the pool as I write this. He’s got a big tattoo on his back but I can’t work out what it is … he just got out of the pool and burped.
Steve: Just felt like you had to keep us abreast of that.
Ricky: Everything’s in the diary. I can see it getting to the point were you’re going ‘breathed in … breathed out again.’
Steve: There was a big fat fella in the sea who kept his t-shirt on. If you’re big and fat, is there more chance of you getting burnt ’cos there is more of you on show? I asked Suzanne, and she said she didn’t know in that sort of ‘not listening’ kind of way. I wanted to hang about to see if the fat fella was gonna get in the kayak but Suzanne said we had to head back.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: We go home today so we got up early to catch the last bit of cloud.
Karl: No, it’s just that it wasn’t that sunny all the time. I mean, I was sat in weather that if it was like that here, there’s no way I’d be sat in the garden.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: But ’cos you’re on holiday you’ve got to sit in it. ‘Put your coat on.’
Ricky laughs.
Steve: So are you going to continue to write this diary every single day?
Ricky: It’s amazing. Keep this diary up! It’s amazing.
Karl: I will keep it up ’cos what I find as well is, I think earlier on before I went away I think I did learn something, and because I wrote in down, I remembered it a bit better. So …
Ricky: What was that?
Karl: … I just was thinking then; I’ve forgot it now, but …
Steve laughs.
Karl: But I remembered looking back at it and not having to read it all ’cos I remembered the end of it before I read it, if you know what I mean.
Steve: No. I have no idea what you are talking about.
That’s that then. Hope you’ve enjoyed the book.
I think it was a good idea to put the Podcasts into book form as my accent isn’t always easy to understand so it has made a lot of my points a lot clearer.
It’s the best thing that I’ve ever put work into. Me Mam is well chuffed that I’ve got a book out. Me Dad will probably think it’s not that good ’cos he likes James Bond books.
I’ll use this space to say sorry to Suzanne that I have talked about her in the Podcasts and have said stuff about her hair and fat arse. But then people do say ‘Write about what you know.’
I’m still doing the diary and doing more Podcasts so I hope you continue to listen to them and that.
Copyright
First published in Great Britain in 2006 by
Fourth Estate
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
77–85 Fulham Palace Road London W6 8JB
www.4thestate.co.uk
Copyright © Ricky Gervai
s, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington 2006
The rights of Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington to be
identified as the authors of this work has been asserted by them in
accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins eBooks.
EPub Edition © JANUARY 2009 ISBN: 9780007279302
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The World of Karl Pilkington Page 12