Fire returned to his gaze, frustration and doubt close seconds. “If I tell you what you want to know, you may want to run from me. You may desire escape. But I can’t let you leave.”
“I’ll take that chance.”
He nodded and stood. He kept his back to her, his hands at his waist, gaze pinned outside the porthole.
He cleared his throat, and when he spoke, it issued as a rusty, misused sound. “I was born near Felican Castle near the border of the Ithaycan desert and the Tarrian jungle. We’re sailing to that region now.”
During their tempestuous lovemaking, she’d missed the fact they’d left shore.
Before she could comment, Rayder said, “Since we’ve lost a sale to Drakus, there is another trader near Felican Castle who may buy women.”
She winced as she thought of the women belowdecks still in danger. “Drakus isn’t the only one?”
His scoffing sound answered her. “More and more men are succumbing to the belief that stealing Magonian women is the only solution to save our people. Most of them don’t care about Dragonia. They want money and they thrive on terror and hatred.”
Her stomach tumbled, roiled at his words. “The danger is far worse than I believed.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. You were trying to tell me your story.”
He turned toward her and continued. “My parents were exceptional people, as I mentioned to you before. My sister was three years younger than I. She was a brilliant fighter. Though Daryk One traits usually only occur in one child in a family, it was clear my sister displayed the tendencies.” He turned to glance at her. “And her inclinations were not welcomed by most.”
“I don’t understand.”
He wiped one hand over his face, as if he didn’t want to explain, but knew she’d pester him until he did. “My sister was at least as tall as I am, and that isn’t normal for a Dragonian woman. Right away she distinguished herself with fighting skills. She could even kill dragons. No woman in recent history has ever done that. I was proud of her, and even my parents were proud.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“It was terrible.”
He waited, staring at her as understanding glimmered on the surface.
“But her abilities were remarkable,” she said.
“She was capable of everything a Daryk One can do.”
Understanding made it through. “That would be a death sentence on Magonia.” Shock held her motionless. “Are women killed for having the skills of a Daryk One?”
“No. Never. But because it is so rare, few women who have the skills are ever mated and married. Very few men wish to mate with a woman as strong and skilled as they are.”
Indignation made her say, “So Dragonian men aren’t as different than Magonian as you say.”
His thick lashes masked his gaze as he looked down at the bed. “All men have commonalities. Even the ones who think they are advanced. Dragonians are not a perfect people.” He waited, as if he expected her to argue. When she didn’t, he proceeded. “When Aknada realized her skills cast her from most societal norms, she became depressed. I spent time with her, trying to get her to understand it wasn’t a problem and her family supported her. I told her I would take care of her.” He rubbed his temples as if they ached. “She accused me of wanting her to be as delicate and feminine as other women.”
An ugly suspicion took hold. “Did you? Want her to be like other women?”
He pushed out a loud breath and dared look her straight in the eyes. “Yes.”
She didn’t know how she felt about that. “Why?”
“I didn’t want to suppress her. I knew how she’d be treated, and I didn’t want her to suffer. I believed she’d never find a mate.”
Xandra stood, her heart aching before she knew what the end of his tale would reveal. She felt it in the air. “But something bad did happen.”
“She tried complying to societal norms. She dressed like a woman. Yet I saw that she was hurting trying to be something she was not. Eventually she found a man she seemed to like. She seemed genuinely happy, and I was certain they’d have a long life together.”
“A Daryk One?”
“An ordinary blacksmith. They were in love…at least that’s what she told me.” He shrugged. “I don’t know what love is like, so I only had what they told me to go on.”
She frowned deeply at his words. “You don’t believe in love?”
He shrugged, face impassive. “Not as so many poets describe it.”
Discomfort made her move past the subject. “Did Aknada write poetry to become more feminine?”
“No. She wrote poetry from the time she was a child.”
“I see. What happened then?”
“Three years ago she was in the Ithaycan desert with her betrothed near the market. Bandits raided. She tried to defend her betrothed, but he stepped in front of a sword and was killed.”
She covered her mouth with one hand. “How awful.”
“She blamed me for his death.”
“Why?”
“The bandits had tried to steal from legitimate business owners for some time. When they discovered that I was leading a pack of Daryk Ones to keep Felican Castle safe, they attacked my sister. She felt if I hadn’t antagonized the bandits, there wouldn’t have been an attack.” He sighed. “That isn’t all. I took her back to Felican Castle after her betrothed’s death. In the night, the bandits attacked again. We fought hard, but he had superior numbers, rogue Daryk Ones. He stole my sister and many other women. I never saw her again. There were rumors that she was sold to another slaver.” His voice roughened. “A month later I heard that she was thrown off a slave ship and drowned.”
Eyes prickling with tears, she reached for him. She didn’t know what to say, felt the words backing up in her throat as she ached to express her sorrow for what he’d experienced.
Her palm soothed his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
He didn’t move. His face a study in remembered sorrow and returning memories. “I’d tried to find her many times before that. When I heard she’d been killed…”
“You felt guilty.”
“Yes.”
She cupped his face in her palms. “Was the slave trader who took her Aramus?”
“You are too perceptive. I vowed to hunt the man down.”
“Yet you haven’t killed him?”
“Because I wanted to make his life a living hell. To work my way so far inside his life he wouldn’t know when the betrayal came. He doesn’t know who I am, Xandra. He doesn’t know what I have planned for him.”
Fear slid like a cold, heavy hand over her body. “Dare I ask what you have planned? If it isn’t death, what could you do to him?”
His eyes glittered. “Take his entire empire and steal his wealth. Free his slaves. Make him suffer for throwing my sister off this ship.”
She understood, perhaps more than he knew. “Are you certain that’s all?”
He clasped her wrists gently and eased her hands from his face. Gathering her hands in his, he kissed her fingers. “What else could there be?”
“Your guilt. Perhaps you’re not just taking revenge. Perhaps you mean to punish yourself.”
His eyes clouded and he dropped his hands. “Maybe.”
She wondered if she could say or do anything to make him realize he didn’t deserve self-punishment for his sister’s death. Then she recalled the guilt she still felt on a daily basis for what she’d done to her family.
He drew her against him and looped his arms around her waist. “Now you know why I’m here. Why were you on the ship with your husband? A man you didn’t love?”
“My family was…” How could she explain it? But she had to, if only to make him see she could relate to his anguish. “I mentioned before that my parents were more liberal with their acceptance of individuality and sensual matters than the average Magonians. Still, if they saw me doing this I’m sure they’d be scandalized.”
He chuckled. “Prai
se Draconus they aren’t here to see us then.”
She smiled sadly. “My father wasn’t as liberal when it came to his beliefs about a woman’s purpose. He still believed a woman should marry, stay at home and take care of a family. He decided I would marry another miner, Taris Elian.” She smoothed her hands over his shoulders aware that his strength gave her courage to continue the tale. “I protested that I didn’t love Taris. In fact, I knew Taris was a liar and hateful. Father didn’t see it that way. He told me I could tolerate all of that because Taris has a great deal of triand. I didn’t have any choice in the matter. At least I couldn’t think of a way to escape the actual marriage.”
“You accepted his proposal?”
“Yes.” She sighed. “You do not know how much I grew to regret that decision.”
Rayder’s eyes narrowed. “If your father loved you, how could he force you to marry?”
“Father did love me, but he also believed marrying me to Taris was looking after my well-being. Taris made advances toward me. I fended them off, telling him I wouldn’t have sexual congress outside the bonds of marriage.”
Rayder’s palms soothed over her back. “Thank Draconus you were able to persuade him.”
“The only reason he relented is because I told my father what he was trying to do. Father told him he’d call off the engagement if Taris continued.”
“A nod to your father’s good sense.”
“Perhaps not. It was my decision not to give in to Taris’ desires that killed my family. And something else I did.” Deep within Xandra a shaking started. Old fear and uncertainty haunted her as she forced words past her throat. “When Taris and I married…on our wedding night he tried to…”
Rayder’s eyes were grim. “What did he do?”
“He forced me down on the bed, climbed on top of me. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t thrust inside me because his manhood shriveled. That’s why I was still a virgin when you met me. Taris then he hit me and gave me a black eye.”
Pure seething anger filled Rayder. “Bastard. That fucking bastard dared to hurt you?”
She rushed to explain the rest, unable to keep it inside now that she’d started. “I defied him and told him never to touch me again. I told him I didn’t want his children. It enraged him. He stormed out of the house and I didn’t see him for a week. I was glad and I thought maybe he’d been killed somewhere, though murder is a rare occurrence on Magonia.”
“By the god.” Rayder’s eyes saddened and he pulled her to his chest.
She buried her face in his shoulder, gulping as old anguish threatened to rush forth. “There’s more. And when you learn the truth perhaps you’ll hate me as much as Taris did.”
“I don’t think that’s possible.”
Oh, it was possible and very likely. A shaky breath left her throat as memories assaulted her. Her entire family with their throats slit. The image was seared into her mind. Even when she opened her eyes and stared at the wall the images stayed. “I cannot forget what happened next. Ever.”
“What happened?”
She eased back to continue her story, but he kept his arms about her. “He murdered my brother and parents.”
“No.” Rayder’s denial sounded more than heartfelt, his eyes softening for a moment before returning to shocked anger. “Why wasn’t he arrested for it?”
“Taris knew important and corrupt people. He was very powerful in the area. His triand bought loyalty when nothing else about him would. He told me he did it but knew that because I was his wife that no one would believe me if I told the authorities he did it.”
She sobbed.
“No, my beauty. It’s all right. You don’t have to tell me any more.” He cupped the back of her head, cradling her as she buried her face in his shoulder again. “Please don’t torture yourself.”
“I do. You have to know.” She sniffed as tears came like a rain shower, wetting his tunic. “You see, the real reason why he murdered my parents is all my fault.”
He drew her face up so he could look into her eyes. “I don’t understand. How could that be?”
“I heard through a friend there are potions women can take to prevent pregnancy and cause sterilization.”
He nodded. “We have those potions on Dragonia, but few use them anymore.”
“Well, I never assumed that Taris wouldn’t eventually be able to…” She shrugged. “You know. I went to an old woman to get the potion. I paid with most of my savings for it. Now that I knew Taris as a hateful man, I couldn’t bear the thought of having his children. Taris caught me drinking it. It enraged him. I managed to escape to my parents’ home.” She trembled. “One day while I was out to market…” Her throat tightened with tears. “Taris retaliated. That’s when I came home and found my brother and my parents murdered. I ran for my life and escaped onto a ship. I didn’t know where I thought I was going. The next port we came into, Taris caught up with me. He’d taken the next ship after mine. He threatened to kill me on the spot if I didn’t come back with him to Opali. We boarded the Hydrasoseles on the way back to Opali. I met Ketera and Mia, and when Taris wasn’t threatening me, I had peace with my friends. I didn’t tell them what I was going through. Not much of it anyway. I didn’t want Taris to understand how much their friendship meant to me. I was afraid he’d hurt them.” She cried harder, hoping Mia was safe and that Ketera’s happiness with Dane would last.
She saw it then. The darkening in Rayder’s eyes, the grim line to his mouth. His hatred and rejection would come now. He released her and the loss of his embrace hurt. Rayder walked away to stare out a porthole at the ocean.
If he decided to retaliate against her in some way, she couldn’t escape the way she’d run from Taris. A terrible sense of the inevitable swamped her and a helplessness she’d never experienced.
She’d fought against wanting his admiration. She’d struggled not to care about him beyond the physical.
She had failed miserably.
“After the wave took down our ship and I was drowning, my only solace was that Taris was dead,” she said. “But perhaps now you will feel I am as worthless as he did.”
Rayder turned toward her, and his expression surprised her. A bleakness was there, for certain, but not true anger. He reached for the rest of his clothes, including his dagger and sword. He started for the door.
“Where are you going?” she asked, panic lacing her voice.
“I must think.”
“Rayder—”
“No.” He turned back to her, and contempt crawled across his face. “Do not talk to me now.”
He left, slamming the door behind him.
Misery twisted in her gut as she buried her face in her hands and allowed sobs to come.
Chapter Sixteen
Rayder watched Xandra covertly as she wandered along the ship railing. Phili had brought her a new tunic and pants as well as a wide-brimmed hat that kept the sun off her head. She wore the hat and clothes today, her lithe body barely visible under the formless garments. Rayder liked the way Xandra’s hair tumbled about her shoulders, and unlike some men might, he hadn’t insisted that she put it up or cover it. Many men would be tempted by the beautiful tumble glowing with a fine and rare beauty. He didn’t care. He wanted it out where he could see. He moved toward her, damn glad the tunic and pants hung on her like a sack. Since Rayder had returned, none of the other men on the ship dared even look her way. That included the slimy Farcam and Oscan, who stayed out of Rayder’s way too.
Rayder’s duties as second-in-command kept him busy far more than he liked. It meant more time with Aramus and less with Xandra.
Still, Rayder didn’t regret the way he’d stalked out of the cabin two days ago and left Xandra alone. In fact, he’d stayed away until late in the evening then come to bed after she was already asleep. He hadn’t held her in his arms or tried to make love to her again. He’d need time to process what she’d told him and how badly it had twisted inside him.
She couldn�
�t have his children.
The vow he’d made to his mother, the necessity of repopulating Dragonia, the deep and overriding compulsion in his blood to have children had been thrown back in his face.
He didn’t know what to think about that.
Xandra’s prickliness, her nervousness as she’d stayed quiet proved that his mood showed. He had nothing to say to her. Nothing at all.
For two days they’d danced this way, quietly and without more than the basics to say to each other. She’d grown harder under his coldness. He felt her drawing away more and more.
Perhaps it was for the better.
But by the very god, their estrangement didn’t wipe away this drugging, gnawing desire for her. He’d wanted her fiercely even when she’d pronounced she couldn’t have children. He wanted his yearning to disappear so it wouldn’t torture him. It didn’t.
He hated that.
He still hated what she’d had to go through with Taris Elian. It made him want to hunt the man down and rip out his throat.
But, of course, the man was dead and Rayder couldn’t avenge Xandra’s loss.
Just as he hadn’t yet avenged his sister’s death.
Frustration bit into him and sliced like a knife.
He took a deep breath to quell the rising anger inside him, knowing it wouldn’t do any good.
Instead, he concentrated on the sight of the port near Felican Castle, and he watched Xandra’s reaction as the giant fortress came into view.
While all the castles in Dragonia were massive, Felican was the biggest. No other castle commanded such a picturesque or strategic point. The building sat inside the jungle on a high ridge, surrounded by huge trees and other vegetation. Toward the right of the castle, the searing desert leapt up in black-and-cream-colored dunes. Harsh winds blew across the panorama, surprising anyone not expecting it. A man could step into the jungle and experience sticky heat then wander into the desert and find the blistering heat parching to skin and mouth. Such a sharp contrast in landscape didn’t have an explanation—at least not one that anyone could recall. Rayder knew how deadly both areas could prove to any man or woman.
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