Goodbye Secrets

by Jacquelyn Ayres

  “Grayson, you don’t have to tell me,” I start.

  “Yes I do!” he yells.

  “I’ve been very good about following the rules, Gray. Ever since Stacey.” I touch his arm lightly to calm him.

  “That could’ve been you!”

  “Come. Take a bath with me.” I lean forward and kiss him.

  “Becca, I’d die if anything ever happened to you. And now we have a baby on the way. I’m sorry; you will now have two people with you at all times.” His right hand palms my cheek. He’s waiting for an argument. Normally, I would tell him to go to hell, but not today.

  “Okay, baby.” I kiss his palm.

  “Really, sweetheart, you’re going to listen?” He searches my eyes.

  “Yes, baby, I promise.” I seal it with a kiss. “Shit! The bath!” I yell, and pull away to run into the bathroom. I catch it just in time and hit the drain to lower the water level. I feel Grayson behind me, grinding into my bottom as I bend over the tub. I stand up quickly. He chuckles. The butterflies in my stomach seem to be performing a fancy flight show.

  “Sweetheart, you’re breathing quite erratically. Are you all right?”

  Arrogant bastard!

  “No. I feel I’m about to suffer a British invasion.” I lean my head back on his chest.

  “I would hardly call it suffering, darling.” He slides his hands under my shirt to rest on my stomach as his lips caress my neck. Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” is on Pandora. I’m hypnotized by the music, his smell, his touch. I love getting lost in him.

  “Let’s shower instead.” I pull him over and turn the water on.

  “Why, love?” He looks back to the bath.

  “I’m pregnant, Grayson. We shouldn’t have sex in the tub because ... well, just listen to me.” I don’t feel like explaining the issues that could arise. He shrugs and pulls off his shirt.

  My focus reinstated, I tug my shirt off over my head and attack him. Damn, I want him ... he’s so fucking hot! Horny Sybecca is shaking her ass; she’s sporting the British flag on her underwear. We are both eagerly awaiting the British invasion. Grayson and I get very dirty before we get clean. The Lord has heard my prayers several more times ... in English, German, and French! I keep my other languages to myself.

  “I’m starving, sweetheart. Let’s go downstairs and eat.” He wraps his towel around his waist and steps out of the shower.

  “Sounds good to me.” I follow in my towel.

  I throw on a long-sleeve blue V-neck cotton shirt and the jeans Grayson asked me not to wear anymore.

  “Seriously, sweetheart,” Grayson rubs my bottom, “you love to drive me crazy.” He slaps me there. My jeans protect me from the sting. We head downstairs.

  “No, Becca. Just sit.” Grayson pulls a chair out for me at a corner table.

  “I thought you were hungry?” I squint a little. What is he playing at?

  “I am. Somebody will be over to take our order.” He scoots me in. His eyelids are going fucking mad again.

  “Grayson, it’s not a crop weekend. It’s not even a weekend. There is no dinner service any other time.” I close my eyes to contain the temperature that is making my blood boil.

  “Well, Adam is here full-time now, so we offer our guests dinner every night. Thank you, Karen.” I open my eyes to see an employee whom I’ve never met before.

  “Hi, Karen. I’m Becca Campbell.” I smile.

  “Hi, Becca. Is this your first time staying with us?”

  She’s very pleasant—unlike me at the moment. I shoot eye daggers at Grayson.

  “No, Karen, I’m the owner here.”

  She looks at me with a bit of confusion.

  “Well, it’s nice to meet you. Here are our specials for tonight.” She hands each of us a menu. Grayson gives her our drink orders. He almost ordered my red wine. I wish I found out I was pregnant tomorrow instead of today, because right now, I could really use that glass of wine ... maybe two!

  “That’s nice. I have all these new employees who don’t even recognize my name as their boss’s! I mean, their checks have my name on them!”

  Grayson’s eyes look everywhere but my way.

  “Grayson, whose name is on their checks?” He says nothing. “Fix it, Grayson! You better fucking fix it!” I throw my napkin down and get up to leave.

  “Becca, sit your arse down right now!” he says through his teeth. “Sit,” he repeats, softer this time. I sit. I am infuriated with him. “We will go over all the changes and whatever you want fixed, we will fix. Okay? It’s not worth you getting pissed at me every minute!” He runs his hand through his hair.

  “Fine!” I say sharply. I pull my phone out and call the hospital to check on Stacey. Her nurse informs me of her status and the tests they did today. I thank her and look up at Grayson. “No change.” He nods as I get off the phone.

  “Becca will have the bacon-wrapped meatloaf, garlic mashed, and sugar snap peas. I’ll have the bacon-wrapped filet mignon, garlic mashed, and glazed carrots. Medium on the filet. Thanks, Karen.” He hands her the menus. I don’t even bother to look at them anymore when I’m with him. “Becca, I’m going to stay here for a few days while you’re with Stacey so I can concentrate on work.” I feel a bit shocked. He usually doesn’t like to be away from me unless he absolutely has to be.

  “Um, okay. Where am I staying?”

  “Same place, sweetheart, same room. Don’t bring Melissa and Ryan though; those two might be too busy shagging to protect you.” He smiles.

  “Okay. I’ll take Melissa and—” I try to think of his name. “Jim?”

  “No. Paul,” he says, probably because Paul is not good-looking like Jim is.

  “Okay. How many days will we be apart?” I sip my ginger ale.

  “You’re so bloody mad at me. You sure you’ll miss me, Becca?” He rests his head on his fisted hand.

  “Of course. You know I can barely last longer than twelve hours,” I tease.

  “Oh, don’t worry, sweetheart. I’ll hook you up tonight. Tomorrow morning, too, before you leave, for that matter.” He flashes me that gorgeous grin.

  “Hook me up, huh?” I laugh and shake my head. Some things just sound strange coming from him. “Grayson, you will call me with any new developments, right?” My right eyebrow darts up.

  “Yes, sweetheart, of course.”

  “Grayson, I’m not kidding!”

  “I know. Now stop and put your focus into eating. You are feeding two, my dear.” He points an authoritative finger at me. Karen makes her way to our table and places our food in front of us. I dive in. Mmm ... so delicious. I glance up and notice Grayson just staring at me, a blanket of warmth on his face. I wish I could take a picture of him. He only gets this look when he’s thinking of absolutely nothing but the thing that is making him truly happy. I’m amazed that it’s me after the hell I’ve given him today. He really is a wonderful man, and he has done a wonderful job here. His approach was all wrong, but his heart was in the right place.

  “Thank you, baby. For everything you’ve done.” I grab his hand and squeeze it. I want to make sure he knows his efforts weren’t fruitless. He winks and gives me a warm smile. I look back down at my plate and try to concentrate on my dinner.

  “Gray, why can’t you come with me and work at the hotel?” I really don’t want to be apart from him. Crap! Why am I tearing up? What is it with us women? As soon as we find out we’re pregnant, our hormones go crazy. It’s like they’re running around in there screaming, She knows! She knows! Full speed ahead! Are we irrational before we know and then more comfortable with the fact that we have something to blame it on? I don’t get it!

  “Becca? Sweetheart, why are you crying?” Grayson puts his fork down and sits in the chair closer to me. He touches my face softly and wipes away my tears, and I progress to full hiccupping sobs. Really? What the hell is the matter with me?! “Becca, calm down, love.” Why do people say that to you when you are crying like this? As if it didn’t occu
r to you that just calming down would stop all of this nonsense? It’s fucking irritating! If I could calm down, I would! I close my eyes and try to focus. Grayson just holds my hand and waits patiently, probably scared shitless that he’s going to have to deal with these mood swings for the next nine months.

  “Sorry,” I try to say calmly, but a gasp comes out at the end. I feel the worst is over, so I open my eyes to look at him. He’s biting back a smile. “You’re laughing at me?”

  “No, sweetheart, I love you. You’re so beautiful.” He cups my face before kissing me. “Give me three days max, sweetheart, and I’ll be down by you. I’ve got something up my sleeve for you for Christmas, and I can’t have you around while I’m getting it all sorted out. Okay, love?”

  “Okay. But I still don’t want to be without you.” Wow, that’s pathetic! Surely I can last three whole days!

  “Theme song, love?”

  “Huh? Oh ... no. Internal battle, sorry.” I offer a half smile. “Don’t ask.” I put my hand up and wave when I see him trying to figure me out. “Finish your dinner, Gracie. I’m okay now.” I start back at my plate. Grayson just pulls his over. We finish our meals in silence.

  “Dessert, Becca?”

  I take in a deep breath and shake my head.

  “We should call Morgan.” I sigh, remembering that I never got around to doing that earlier. So many distractions. When should I tell her that her father is dead—again? Very bizarre situation this is. Honestly, I don’t think she’ll care. It’s not like he came back a changed man. Will this affect her when she’s older? Here she is, ten years old and the chance to tell George how she feels has been taken away from her a second time. I’ll have to ask my therapist what she thinks. Oh, I need to schedule with her while I’m here as well!

  “Becca, love, here. It’s Morgan.” He smacks my thigh to gain my attention and passes me his phone when he succeeds.

  “Hey, honey! What are you doing?” My smile is huge, although she can’t see it.

  “Susanna and I were just doing some last-minute gardening. We’re having our first cooking class tonight!” She sounds excited. I feel a pang in my heart for two reasons. First, I miss her terribly. Second, I feel a little jealous that Susanna has her so excited about cooking. I lost her interest with it two years ago.

  “Well, that’s fun!” I’m overenthusiastic to conceal the fact that I’m upset, and it makes Grayson wince. He grabs my hand and thumbs the top. I offer him a grateful smile.

  “How are Butterscotch and Rocco, Mommy?”

  I debate for a moment over what to tell her, only because I think Grayson is starting to rub off on me. I push the idea away. With the exception of George, I have always been very honest with Morgan and careful not to sugarcoat things.

  “Well, sweetie, Butterscotch is doing well, but poor Rocco has been very sad and had to make a visit to the animal hospital.”

  “Is he sick, Mommy?” I can hear the depth of her concern—she’s ten going on thirty.

  “No. At first they didn’t know what was wrong, but when I went to visit him today he perked right up! That’s when they realized he was just sad and missed us. He’ll be back home in a few days.” I nod at Karen to thank her for the tea and slice of cheesecake that apparently Grayson ordered for me.

  “Well, that’s good, Mommy! I miss them, especially Butterscotch. Mommy, what if she gets really sad like Rocco?” Her voice shifts to complete and utter panic. “Mommy! Tomorrow, take Daddy’s iPad out to Butterscotch and I’ll Skype with her!”

  Grayson scrunches up his nose and mouths what? to me. Clearly he heard her excitement, how could he not? I had to pull the phone away from my ear, she was so loud.

  “You know what, Morgan? I have to go visit Aunt Stacey in Boston tomorrow, so I’m sure Daddy will be more than happy to help you Skype with Butterscotch!” I can’t help the stupid grin that comes over my face or the shaking of my shoulders when I giggle silently. Grayson’s rolled his eyeballs so far they may just get stuck! He then points to me and makes circles at his temples with his index finger to indicate I’m crazy.

  “Oh, good! How’s Aunt Stacey, Mommy?”

  “She’s the same, sweetheart, keep praying for her! I miss you, Morgan.” I get choked up again. Grayson’s mouth pulls into a slight frown.

  “Can I come home for Christmas, Mommy, or are you guys coming back here?”

  “What are we doing about Christmas, babe?” I tap his hand. Grayson grabs the phone from me.

  “Hey, Morgy girl! Shall you come home for Christmas, little sweetheart? Good then! You’ll fly home next weekend, love. Okay. Here’s Mummy. I love you too, more than you know. And you are my stars. G’nite, love.” He hands the phone back.

  “Okay, sweetie, so it looks like a white Christmas for us!” I’m very excited and squeeze Grayson’s hand.

  “I can’t wait to see everybody, Mumsy!” Oh geez, back to an English accent.

  “I love you, Morgy, talk to you tomorrow!”

  “Love you, Mumsy, mwah!”

  “Mwah!” I kiss her back, “Good night, baby.”

  “Good night, Mama.” I hang up and quickly grasp Grayson’s face to kiss him.

  “Thank you, baby!” I smile against his lips.

  “Of course, sweetheart, anything for my girls! Now eat your cheesecake!” He flicks his eyes over at it.

  “Just a little, I am very full.” I play with stubble on his chin.

  “Don’t worry, darling, you’ll be working it all off.” He kisses me again.

  “I can’t wait to work it all off. I want you so bad, baby,” I murmur against his lips. This provokes a sharp intake of breath from him. His phone pings and the distraction pulls him away from me all too easily. I’m certain it’s because we’re in the dining hall and not our room. I’m also certain it’s because it could be about a number of important things that we happen to be in the middle of. All of the sudden my theme song changes to “Yesterday” by the Beatles. It’s not a completely accurate representation of what we are going through, but just the sentiment of yesterday, before all of this craziness, is fitting. Ping. Text. Ping. Text. He sets the phone down.

  “What was that about?” I sip my tea and play with the tag, smirking at him. He chuckles and scratches his palms. I can’t help but laugh. God, I love him! “Gray? What was that about?” I ask again.

  “Nothing.”

  “That was a lot of texting over nothing. Your fingers must want to fall off when it’s about something ... vs. nothing.” I hold my hand out and wave my fingers for him to hand me his phone.

  “Sorry, sweetheart, that’s my thing, not your thing.” He pushes my fingers to my palm to close my hand into a fist.

  “I thought your thing was sorta my thing, as well.” I bait him.

  “My thing is most definitely more than sorta your thing. Incidentally, when did it become The Thing? He rather liked the original name you gave him, and so do I.” Third thing we’re really good at is baiting each other and turning anything from normal and usual into something sexual and provocative.

  “Well, I can’t help but wonder, is he really that incredible? It seems to me that I’m having a really difficult time recollecting how incredible he is. Hmm.” I tilt my head as if to ponder.

  “Oh, sweetheart, he and I would love nothing more than to refresh your memory!” He pulls my hand up to his lips. Keeping my gaze, he playfully bites at the top, then kisses it.

  “Shall we go then, Mr. James?” I stand up abruptly.

  “After you, Mrs. James.” He matches my haste and we practically run through the lounge and up the stairs to our room. Grayson can’t get the door open quickly enough for us.

  “Damn it! I hate this!” he mutters impatiently before he finally manages to unlock it. He grabs my hand and drags me in.

  “Gray!” I laugh as I almost fall forward.

  “Sorry, love!” He braces me with both hands and slams the door with his foot. I kick my shoes off as he pulls my shirt up an
d over my head. I pull at his shirt and strip him of it. He works at my bra, me at his belt. Our mouths devour each other’s. He pulls away abruptly and stares down into my eyes. His thumb traces over my bottom lip. He does this every once in a while, and it leaves me to wonder. Wonder what he is searching for? What is he thinking? Is he just holding on to a moment? His lips caress mine softly, his hands following suit over my body. What happened to the sense of urgency from not two minutes ago? His mouth travels down my neck, my sternum, and to my stomach. I lose my hands in his hair as he spends a generous amount of time kissing my stomach.

  I hear him whispering I love you to my belly as he pulls my jeans down.

  “You know, I believe if you say it right in here,” I point to my belly button, “it works as an intercom system and the baby will hear it loud and clear. Well, once he or she grows ears,” I tease.

  “Is that so?” He grins up at me. “Hello in there, my little heartbeat. I’m your daddy and I love you! You’ll be my moon and I’ll be your stars!” He tests the theory out. I just stand there and fall more in love with him. It’s amazing how he does that. “Where are you, sweetheart?” I open my eyes and look at him. His eyes are glued to mine as he slides my panties down.

  “I’m lost in my thoughts of you.” I step out of them. “Didn’t you have something incredible to show me?” I give him my most mischievous grin.

  “Patience, my love.” He stands in front of me again, allowing his jeans to drop. I glance down at him and bite my lip. God, the site of him never loses its effect on me. He removes my bottom lip from my teeth before leaning down to bite it for himself. “God, I want you, Becca,” he murmurs against my lips.

  “I’m all yours, baby—forever.”

  “Becca, you promise?” He leans his forehead against mine.

  “Yes. No question about it. I promise.” I grasp his face in my hands and make him look at me. “No question. No doubt. One-hundred-fifty percent yours.”

  “No matter how angry you get with me? No matter how controlling I try to be? You know where my heart is? You won’t run anymore?” His hands squeeze over mine.