“Becs ...”
It’s Ray’s voice. I turn to see if my ears are playing tricks on me.
“Becca!” Annie runs to me, giving me a huge bear hug before I set down the tray I’m holding. Guess my ears are working just fine.
“Hey, kiddo! What are you doing here so early?” I hug her and look up at Ray. It’s only ten o’clock.
“The nurse sent me home. Where’s Morgan?” I look at Ray again, panicked. Why is he bringing her here if she’s sick? He shakes his head.
“Um, she’s around somewhere, sweetie. Just not in her room. You can check room 205 upstairs.” I smile and she’s off. “Annie, tell her it’s time to eat!” I shout after her as I walk up to Ray.
“Can we talk? It’s about Annie, and it’s personal.” He unzips his jacket and pulls off his hat. Hmm ... he still hasn’t gotten a haircut. He looks so cute when his hair grows out. It’s very wavy. He looks ten years younger.
“Uh, yes, we can go into my office.” I wave the way.
“Hey, it looks different in here. It’s nice, babe, when did you do this?” He follows me.
“While we were in California.” Well, that’s when Grayson did it, but Ray doesn’t need to know that.
“I can’t believe you painted over all of the wood. You always loved that about this place. It’s really not you. Well, not the you I used to know,” he says as we walk into my office.
“Yeah, that was a misunderstanding. I didn’t want to paint the wood, but I’m used to it now. It’s pretty. I like it.” I try to hide how I really feel.
“And you’re still a terrible liar.” He gives me a small smile and tucks the strand of hair that’s escaped my ponytail behind my ear.
“Um, so what’s going on with Annie, Ray?” I sit and offer him Claudia’s chair. He pulls off his jacket and hangs it up on the coat rack before he sits. He’s wearing blue jeans with the brick-red shirt and creamy-white and red flannel I bought him last year. It’s become a tradition that one of his gifts from me every year is a flannel and matching shirt. I didn’t even get him anything this year. I didn’t think of it. I didn’t get anything for Annie, either. I need to fix that right away; kids are different! Christ! What are they doing for Christmas? They always spend it with us!
“Theme song, baby?” He touches my cheek lightly.
“Huh? Uh, no, I’ve just got a lot on my mind. Sorry. What’s going on with Annie?” I refocus and pull my head back a little.
He slaps his knees and sits back.
“Well, I got a call from the nurse’s office shortly after school started. Annie was down there complaining of stomach pain. So the nurse had her lie down for a little while, then try the bathroom. Annie came out very upset because when she wiped ... uh, there was blood.” His eyes go wide, a look of horror on his face.
“Ray! Oh my God! Oh ... oh my God, Ray ... already?” I can’t believe it!
“I know, Bec, my little girl. Agh!” He rubs his face.
“What did the nurse say?” I swat his knee.
“She just gave her a pad to put on and told her to talk to her mother! Thank God you’ve already told her about having a period! Can you imagine if you hadn’t, how traumatic that would’ve been for her, babe?” He grabs my hands.
“I can’t believe Mrs. Tansen said that to her, Ray! I’m going to call her right now.” I raise my voice at this news, my blood boiling!
“Baby, it wasn’t Mrs. Tansen. It was a sub.” He gives me a crooked smile. I pull my hands from him and turn to the phone. I call the school.
“Yes, can I speak to Mrs. Preston? This is Becca Campbell. Okay. Thanks.” I pause and look over my shoulder at Ray. “They’re transferring me,” I say, and he sits back.
“Ms. Campbell, how are you and Morgan doing?” Mrs. Preston asks excitedly when she picks up.
“Oh, we’re doing fine. Thank you! How are you? Ready for Christmas?” I smile. I’ve always loved Principal Preston.
“I’m great; will be even better in two hours!” She laughs.
“I can understand that.” I’m sure she can sense my sympathetic nod. “Hey, listen, the reason I’m calling you is Annie McNeil.”
“Oh, yes, is she all right? I saw her father picking her up earlier.”
“Well, that’s what I’m calling you about. I know you have a substitute nurse today. Um, you may not want to have her back.” I sigh and explain what happened.
“Oh, Ms. Campbell, that’s awful! Well, I’ll give her a piece of my mind! Is Annie okay?” I can tell she’s very upset. It was quite unprofessional!
“Yeah, she’s with me now. Luckily, I taught the girls about their periods, but it could’ve been another girl who wasn’t educated about it. It may have been very traumatic.” I lean my head into my hand.
“You’re right. Please tell Annie and Mr. McNeil I’m sorry. When is Morgan coming back?” she asks quickly.
“I’m not sure. We’re floating between here and California. We haven’t made a decision yet, but I will let you know. I’ll let you get back to work, Mrs. Preston. Thank you for lending me your ear. We’ll talk soon. Merry Christmas!”
“No problem at all! I’m glad you told me. It was good to hear from you, and we hope to have Morgan back here real soon! Merry Christmas, Ms. Campbell!” We hang up.
“There! That nurse will never be back at their school!” I turn, proud of myself. My smile fades as I find Ray with tears falling down his cheeks. “Ray?” It’s very rare for Ray to show emotion like this. As a matter of fact, I could count on one hand how many times I’ve seen him cry and have plenty of fingers left over.
“Hey, thanks, Becs.” He wipes his face and gets up for his coat. “What time should I pick Annie up tomorrow?”
“Ray!” I grab his arm to turn him to me. “What is it?” He opens his mouth to say something, but stops himself. He looks up to the ceiling and grits his teeth. I give him a moment to compose himself. He makes an “O” with his lips and exhales.
“I just, um ... I miss this, baby. I miss us being a team. I miss us making decisions together. I ... um, I feel like ... like I’m in the middle of a divorce that I didn’t see coming, nor want. I just don’t understand, Becs. Why wasn’t I enough? I have to go.” He tries to leave again, but I push him against Claudia’s desk.
“Ray, please don’t think that. Please.” I palm his face and wipe his tears away with my thumbs, then grab a tissue and start to wipe his nose.
“Christ, Bec! I can wipe my own damn nose.” He chuckles a little, grabbing the tissue from me.
“Sorry, habit.” I giggle. “Ray, you were always good enough for me. I just ... I wasn’t ready. Do you remember last year, after the sleigh ride?” I watch as he winces at the memory.
“I haven’t thought about that day in a long time. I’m still mad at myself for the way I behaved.” His hands find my hips and he squeezes gently.
“I haven’t either. I think I blocked it out until Morgan brought it up yesterday.” At this moment, I realize how close Ray and I are, how intimate we look. I swallow hard, knowing that Grayson is getting a full report. I can’t think about that. I’ve hurt Ray deeply; I need to do my best to help him move on. “Remember afterward, when I cried in your arms for a while?” I look up into his eyes. They are bluish-gray, absolutely beautiful. I could get lost in those eyes.
“How could I forget?” A flash of anger comes across his face.
“I, um ... I wasn’t crying because of what you did. Well, maybe at first, but mostly ... ” I pause to take in a deep breath. He pulls my hips to draw me closer, and my hands go to his shoulders to brace myself. Christ, this definitely does not look good! All Sybeccas are glancing over their shoulders, except for Country Sybecca. She’s twirling her pigtails around and kicking at an imaginary something on the ground. She’s always been Ray’s biggest fan.
“What, baby, tell me.” He squeezes my hips again.
“I was crying because I couldn’t give you what you needed. I was so frustrated, so m
ad. Everything you said that day—you were right. I just couldn’t allow myself to love you the way I wanted to, the way you wanted me to.” I stop for a moment, and he takes in a sharp breath. “Ray, you’re a wonderful man. You’re smart, funny, loving, strong, and, well, not bad to look at, especially when your hair is this length.” I smile and tug at his hair. He pulls me closer. “Raymond!” I gasp. Oh, too close! His hot breath is in my face; his lips are almost on mine. I feel a slight magnetic pull between our mouths. I try desperately to steady my erratic breathing. Christ, can I just pull it together for once?
“Baby, you know what happens when you say my full name,” he says, his voice deep and musky, before he tries to kiss me. I only feel a slight brush against my lips as I manage to pull my head away quickly.
“Don’t, Ray. Please. I love Grayson. I’m in love with him.” I push away from him and start crying, because I’m probably losing Grayson at this very moment. Maybe I’m not meant to be with anyone.
“Don’t cry, baby. I ... this is very hard for me. You’ve always been mine—unofficially, of course. I’m ... I don’t know, Becs. I keep waiting for you to tell me you’ve made a huge mistake.” He sighs, sounding frustrated, and runs his hand through his hair.
“Ray, I really do regret the way I’ve handled all of this. I’m so sorry I hurt you. You have to believe that! I wasn’t thinking. I was selfish and thoughtless! I shouldn’t have done what I did. I feel like all I’ve done is lead you on, even though it was never intentional. Please believe me. You’re my best friend, Ray.” Tears are streaming down my face.
“You cut me out of your life completely! You cut me out like the last five years meant nothing!” he yells.
“You were acting crazy and trying to break Grayson and me up.” I have to defend myself.
“Because of what you did to me!” he says through clenched teeth.
“I know. I’m sorry, Ray. I really am.”
“I should’ve been more aggressive. Apparently, that’s what you like!” he snaps.
“Ray, you did everything right. It was really me.” I try to console him.
“Ha! Well, maybe I haven’t slapped you into submission like he does, but I definitely have my own methods!” His voice is steady and his face says “sit and spin.” “I can’t believe how guilty I’ve felt this whole time over what I did!” He kicks one of the chair with his right foot, and it shoots violently into Claudia’s desk. “Well, not anymore! Not after what you’ve done to me!” He backs me up to the wall with his vicious bark.
“What are you talking about, Ray? You didn’t do anything wrong.” I try to calm him down. He chuckles lightly and bites his lower lip.
“Oh, baby ...” He shakes his head, then loses the smile as he grasps my face in his hands.
“We’ll always have your birthday.”
“When we got drunk?” Why is that such a big deal?
“Think about what you asked me the next morning.” He speaks softly as his right thumb strums my bottom lip. I look away from him, trying to think about that morning. I gasp and look back up at him. His smile is wicked.
“Oh, baby, you came so hard for me ... three times. I made sure you felt me the next day.” He slams his mouth against my open one. His tongue swirls quickly around mine once, as if it was just there to say checkmate before pulling away abruptly. “I’ll pick Annie up at noon tomorrow.” He grabs his coat and heads out of the office. I go to run after him. I see security coming, with Grayson not far behind.
Ray stops to kiss Annie.
“See you tomorrow, sweetie.” He hugs her, then heads toward the door. He turns before he leaves. Staring at me, he licks his lips and shoots me an air kiss and a wink. It’s his signature greeting to me. It usually makes me blush. My face is red, all right, but it has nothing to do with that.
He leaves, and I don’t know if it’s morning sickness finally kicking in or the information he just gave me, but I run for the bathroom. I run so fast I could possibly win gold for my time. I think I’d also win gold for my projectile vomiting. It’s been a record-breaking sort of day!
I feel somebody hold my hair and rub my back as I am overcome with dry heaves. Country Sybecca has finished “throwing” herself and is now busy tearing her posters of Ray off her wall. I finally feel that I may be finished.
“Okay then, sweetheart?” I turn swiftly, shocked to find Grayson.
“Gray, you don’t like vomit!”
“Uh, sweetheart, I don’t think anybody likes vomit. That would just be strange. And would probably warrant some sort of psychiatric evaluation.” He pats my back and looks fearfully away from the toilet as he flushes it. It’s quite comical, and I can’t help but laugh. It’s more of a nervous laugh, though, and I immediately start crying. “Let’s go upstairs and talk, sweetheart.” He pulls my face up to his and wipes my tears away.
“He raped me, Gray.”
“I know, sweetheart. C’mon, let’s go talk.” He puts his arm around my shoulders, and we head upstairs.
“Okay. I want you to tell me everything, including the sleigh ride,” he says calmly as we sit on the bed with our backs against the headboard for support. He grabs my hand and laces his fingers with mine. We look as if we’re going to discuss weekend plans or something else pleasant, not the atrocity that Ray McNeil has committed against me. Slowly, I tell him about the sleigh-ride incident.
“Gray, what freaks me out the most is that I completely blocked it out! I didn’t remember any of it until Morgan said something, and then boom! I got hit with it all. I need to call Patricia.” I sigh.
“Who’s Patricia?” he asks.
“My therapist.”
“Oh. Well, let’s fast-forward to your birthday. What do you remember?” He brings my hand up to his lips to kiss it.
“Um, well, Ray took me out for my birthday like every year. We drove one town over, to a bar that has karaoke and dancing. We sang a couple of songs and drank and danced. The last thing I remember at the bar was having a glass of wine on the couches they have there. Ray was toasting me, and ... and ... he told me I was beautiful. Yes. That’s the last thing I remember of that night.” I think to make certain.
“The next thing?” he coaxes.
“Yeah, so, the next thing I knew, I was waking up in his bed ... fully clothed, mind you.” I turn my face to his sharply for emphasis. “Ray was fully clothed as well, and I was wrapped up in his arms. I think I laid there for five minutes staring at the ceiling, trying to remember what the hell happened and how I ended up in Ray’s bed. I was also wondering why I felt so sore. Even my nipples felt tender. My head was pounding. I moved to hold my head, and that’s when Ray woke up.” I close my eyes and transport myself into the memory as I continue.
“Good morning, birthday girl.” He kissed my neck. “If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought it was my birthday, getting to wake up next to you like this. You feel so good in my arms, baby.” He kissed me again, his hand caressing my stomach.
“Ray?” I could barely speak. I felt so confused.
“Yeah, babe.” He nibbled at my ear.
“What happened? Why am I here ... in your bed?”
“Uh, we had a little too much to drink, you more than me. I live closer. Also, because you were meant to be in my bed.” I gasped as his fingers went over my nipple, confirming that it was indeed sore. He smiled at my reaction and leaned down to kiss me. I was so confused that I let him. I returned his kiss until he tugged at my nipple. It was painful. I pushed him off and I sat up quickly, only to feel the full effects of my soreness.
“Ray, did something happen last night?” I remember trying to remain calm.
“Uh, yeah, we got drunk, Becs.” He sat behind me, placing a leg on either side of me. He moved my hair away from my neck and started kissing me there. “Becca, I’d like something else to happen, baby,” he whispered as his hands went under my shirt and up my back. He undid my bra and reached around to palm my breast. I leapt off the bed. He came
after me, pushing me against the wall. “Baby, please, you have no idea how good we are together.”
“What do you mean, how good we are?” I asked and shoved him away.
“Becca, why are you acting so weird?”
“I’m just disoriented. Ray, you promised you wouldn’t pressure me.” I put my hand on his chest to keep him at arm’s length.
“I did, didn’t I?” He gave me a wicked smile. “Okay, baby. But I am going to kiss you one last time, and then we can start pretending again.” He grabbed my hands and held them against the wall on either side of my head.
“Ray, stop,” I said, and turned my face from his.
“Oh, baby, if you don’t turn those sweet, beautiful lips my way, I will be forced to kiss you in other places. I’m not playing, baby. I’m going to kiss you, you decide where. On the count of three. One ... two ... darn.” He smiled when I turned to face him.
“You are so on my shit list, McNeil!” I snapped.
“Yeah, well, you’re on my kiss list right now, so shut the fuck up, baby, and kiss me.” I complied. After several minutes, he finally let me pull away. “You were so fucking hot last night, baby. You really know how to move your hips.” I jerked my head back to him. “You really know how to dance, babe.” He gave me another quick kiss, then released my arms. I went into his bathroom to wash my face and pull myself together. I felt him come up behind me. He started rubbing my ass.
“Jesus Christ, Raymond! Knock it off! Now!” I yelled when I stood up. He fought back a smile and grabbed his toothbrush. He applied toothpaste to it and brushed, watching me with that goofy grin on face. “Did something happen, Ray?” I asked again, trying to keep my lip from quivering.
“No, Becca. Why do you keep asking, baby?” He put his arm around my waist and looked at me in the mirror.
“Because you have this fucking goofy grin on your face like you know something that I don’t!” I snapped.
“Baby, it’s common knowledge that whenever I’m around you, I always have a goofy grin on my face.” He kissed my cheek. “If something happened last night, it would totally be happening again right now,” he said with such veracity. He rinsed his toothbrush before offering it to me.
Goodbye Secrets Page 14