Goodbye Secrets

by Jacquelyn Ayres

  “What happened to scratching my itch? Seeing you in just your pajama bottoms ... the way they hang like that ... mmm ... I feel extra itchy, baby.” I bite my lip.

  “Take some Benadryl. Good night, Becs!”

  I can’t help but notice his emphasis. Ugh! He leaves the bathroom. I close my eyes again. I quit.

  I get out of the tub and dry off. Where the hell are the PJs he brought in? I wrap my towel around myself and head out to the bedroom. It’s lit by twenty or so candles. Grayson is standing there, smiling. He holds out his hand to me as Norah Jones sings sweetly in the background. I reach for his hand, and he pulls me to him. He smells incredible, as usual. We sway slowly to the music. I let go of his hand to explore his chest with both of mine. I trail soft kisses across it. He pulls my towel off as he guides me to our bed. I climb onto it backward and tug at his bottoms, letting them fall. Grayson grabs my hands as he moves closer to the bed. I feel another pair of hands on my hips. I take in a sharp breath and turn my head to find a very naked Ray. He captures my lips sweetly. I feel Grayson softly caressing my breast, and I turn to him. He kisses me as Ray’s right hand slides down on an angle.

  “Ahh ...” I moan. I’m not sure if it’s from Grayson’s harsh play at my nipples or Ray’s fingers diving deep inside of me. My left arm goes over Grayson’s shoulder and my right arm reaches back and encircles Ray’s neck. My body moves in rhythm with their touch. I pull away from Grayson’s mouth to find Ray’s. I feel myself slowly climbing.

  “That’s it, sweetheart ... pray for me,” Gray says, egging me on.

  “Come for me, baby.” Ray bites my ear as they work me into a frenzy.

  “Oh God. Oh. Oh God!” I yell.

  I open my eyes.

  “What ... the hell was that?” Grayson asks, his own eyes wide. I swallow hard, trying to adjust to my whereabouts.

  “Um ... I guess that was a wet dream. Ahem—literally.” I can’t help but giggle a bit.

  “Who was in this wet dream of yours?” Grayson asks flatly as he hits the drain.

  “You, baby, and those damn PJ bottoms.” I lick my lips and turn him into a steak. Why mention Ray’s presence in my dream? By the way—what the fuck, Becca? Man, I need to get in to see Patricia!

  “Let’s go to bed.” He holds up my towel and wraps it around me when I stand.

  “I thought you’d never ask,” I tease, and lean in to kiss him. He backs away.

  “To sleep, Becca.” He helps me out of the tub.

  “Why are you avoiding me like this?” I try to kiss him again.

  “Becca, please, I’m so mad. Just do as you are told ... please!” He looks down.

  “Do you want to spank me?” I try to lighten his mood.

  “Not when I want to beat the shit out of you. I don’t think that would be a good idea,” he snaps. “What I’m feeling is irrational, and I’m trying to work through it. It would help if you would just listen and go to sleep!”

  As I dry off, I feel his gaze on me. I purposely turn and bend in front of him, putting my leg up on the step of the tub.

  “I’m moving you and Morgan to California permanently after Christmas,” he says. I think he’s trying to piss me off in answer to my theatrics.

  “Okay, baby.” I sigh with indifference. “What day will you be taking us, sir?” Horny Sybecca is by the campfire, pouring a can of fuel on it. She’s tramped out in leather and looking to be tied. I feel the breeze as Grayson shuts the door after himself. I’m disappointed. I was hoping to feel the sting of his slap. What the hell is going through his mind? All Sybeccas hold up their white flags. We’re too tired to continue the charade.

  I put my PJs on and head out to my bedroom cautiously, just in case. Mental facepalm! Like they would ever think of doing what they did in my dream. God, that was hot. I’d like to fall asleep to that instead of the cold shoulder I’m getting from Grayson.

  I climb on my side and start applying my lotion. Grayson eyes me.

  “Can you do my back, baby?” I try to hand him the lotion. He turns away. “Wow, really?”

  “Yes. Really,” he says with a sigh.

  I close the cap and place it on my nightstand. I soak in the sight of him. His bare, beautiful back, all the way down to his bum. Hmm. If the roles were reversed, he would give me a good swat. Well, what’s good for the goose ...

  He gasps and jumps.

  “What the—?”

  I bite my playful smile back. My smile fades as he glares at me angrily.

  “Grayson, please talk to me. It’s obvious my conversation with Ray struck a nerve. We promised we would communicate better.” I move closer to him and kiss his shoulder. He exhales loudly through pursed lips.

  “Sweetheart, I’m trying to sort everything out in my head. I’m all over the place, and I don’t want to behave irrationally. I’m mad. I don’t know if I have the right to be, or what exactly I’m mad about.” He plays with my fingers. I cross my legs and tap his knee, asking him to do the same. We sit face-to-face and hold hands.

  “Let’s sort it out together, baby. I’m having a bit of trouble myself. Maybe we can help each other.”

  He nods and releases my hand, then retrieves a few papers from his book.

  “What’s that?” I bend my head sideways to see. He looks up at the ceiling and turns the paper toward me.

  “Wow—you are a master! You should teach classes, or at least let the FBI use you as a teaching tool!” I joke. It’s my entire conversation with Ray, dated and time-stamped. I grab it and start giggling. “This is like a play! It even has stage directions! Well, you know what I mean. Becca gasps ... remorseful tone ... Becca cries ... they sit in silence.” Grayson smiles a little, no doubt in spite of himself. “Who did this? Wait! It has our texts!” I can’t help it. I’m in a full fit of laughter.

  “I’m glad you find this amusing, Ms. Campbell,” he snaps.

  “Oh, stop! C’mon, let’s have a look.” I hit his shoulder playfully.

  “Well, give it to me. I have notes.” He grabs it back.

  “Ahem, would you like your glasses, professor?” I ask, then reach for them. He slaps my ass. “Hey, don’t make promises you’re not sure you can keep.” I raise an eyebrow and place his glasses on his nose. He stares into my eyes. “What?” I almost whisper.

  “You scare me.”

  “Well, it’s been a long day. I can’t always look my best.” Joking is my defense in the face of overwhelming words.

  “You’re beautiful, sweetheart. You know what I mean. My feelings for you scare me.”

  A shot of electricity goes to my groin when he grasps my hips.

  “What was that, sweetheart?” I open my eyes to find a delighted look on his face.

  “Um, this pregnancy ... all of my senses are heightened when you touch me.” I close my eyes again and place my hands on top of his.

  “Did this happen when Ray grabbed your hips earlier today?”

  I open my eyes again and look at him as if he has five heads.

  “No, not at all.”

  “Just me?” He squeezes.

  “Just you ... only you.” I palm his face.

  “Let’s go over this.” He picks up the papers again. I nod and kiss his lips before I sit back.

  “Okay. Let’s see.” He sighs and peers at the paper. I giggle. He looks up.

  “Sorry. It’s just, you look like Clark Kent. It’s very cute.”

  He gives me a half smile, then turns his attention downward again.

  “What does this mean? Pretending things haven’t happened?”

  “Um, I really don’t know. I’m just discovering that I’ve blocked a lot of things out.”

  “You love him?” he asks without looking at me.

  “Yes. I love him.” I’m honest, and his nostrils flare. “I’m in love with you, Grayson, there’s a difference.” I touch his cheek.

  “I think you are in love with him as well. You’re just denying it to all of us, including yourself.” He won
’t look at me.

  “No, you’re wrong. Next question.” I’m flat.

  “You called him baby.”

  “I was drunk and high and it’s hearsay!” I have to defend myself.

  “Why did you cry when he told you?” He glances up quickly.

  “Because you didn’t text me, and I was worried about what you were thinking.” Rightfully so, I guess!

  “You almost said it again tonight.” He continues to look down.

  “Grayson, I’m used to talking to you. I caught myself, didn’t I?” Now I wish I just went to sleep!

  “Was he right about you being scared to love me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?” He pulls his glasses off.

  “I’ve never felt this way before. It was intimidating ... you were intimidating. I couldn’t shut it down.” I swallow hard. “I’ve explained this to you before. Remember my roller-coaster comparison?”

  He gives me a thoughtful nod, then looks back down at his notes.

  “You wish you could go back and change your behavior with him?”

  “Yes. I don’t think what I did was fair to either of us. You heard me say that.” I throw my hands up, completely irritated with the direction this conversation has taken.

  “So, hypothetically ...” He presses his fingertips together and brings them up to his chin. “You would go back in time and be with Ray if you could. Therefore, you would not be with me now. But you would change it anyway?” I roll my eyes.

  “Read what I said next.”

  “Everything happens for a reason.”

  “Right! You are the reason I held Ray off for all these years. I just didn’t realize it until you came. Are you almost done? I have a few questions for you.”

  “Just two more.” He looks down. His eyelids are going mad. He’s nervous. Good—I’m tired of this crap!

  “Why did you stay in the office and cry for seventeen minutes after you hung up?”

  “Seventeen minutes? Really? How many seconds, or did you not document that?”

  “Twenty-four seconds.”

  “Well, good, I thought you were slipping. I shouldn’t have to tell you why I cried for seventeen minutes and twenty-four seconds. It’s pretty apparent!”

  “I think you cried because you feel torn.”

  “Last question, Grayson!” I snap.

  “Why did you unblock him?” He puts the papers to the side.

  “I took a cute picture of our daughters and thought he would like it,” I say through my teeth. “All done?” I smile.

  “Yes.” He takes his glasses back off.

  “You need to decide what you want, Grayson!” I poke him with my finger.

  “What are you talking about, sweetheart?”

  “This ... this interrogation, do you know what it tells me?” I shuffle my hand between us as I gather my strength for the knock-down, drag-out I’m sure is coming.

  “What, Becca? What does it tell you?” He gives me an oh, here we go look.

  “That maybe you’re not too sure about this. I think you’re looking for a way out. Looking to blame me!” I yell. Grayson stares at me in disbelief.

  “What on earth are you talking about?” he yells.

  Ghetto Sybecca dings the bell at the boxing ring. Gloves are up ...

  “I’m talking about your trust in me, or lack thereof! You keep questioning how I feel about you!” I get up on my knees to tower over him.

  “I trust your feelings for me—it’s your feelings for him I worry about! I do recall you proving me right once before!” He gets on his knees as well.

  “Oh, there it is! The fucking cloud that looms over our relationship, brought to us once again by Grayson James!” I am at my sarcastic best. Grayson’s hands slowly run down my arms. I catch my breath.

  “Sweetheart,” he whispers before he leans down to kiss me.

  “No.” I turn my head.

  “No, sweetheart?” He runs his hands back up my arms to my neck, then palms my face and turns it up to him. “It has been established that I am a selfish and persistent man, has it not?” He grasps my lips purposefully with his.

  “I hate you,” I breathe as his right hand reaches into my hair.

  “Oh, I beg to differ, darling. It’s common knowledge that—you—are—very—much—in—love—with—me,” he says between kisses. Horny Sybecca must be working my lips, because my mouth opens and my tongue welcomes his. Damn it! “Promise me,” he whispers as he pulls my top off.

  “Promise what?” I trace the lines of his abdominal muscles. He lifts my chin.

  “Promise me you are mine. I’ll try to let my guard down.”

  I giggle. “Beep, beep, beep, be-beep,” I tease before I kiss each eyelid. “I am yours ... always. Good luck with the letting-your-guard-down thing.” I kiss him. “I won’t hold my breath, baby.”

  “Good. I don’t think I’ll be very successful.” He sighs.

  “Okay, Mr. James. Less talk and more action.” I caress his neck with my lips while my hands slip into his bottoms and grasp his butt.

  “Coming right up, Mrs. James—pun intended.” He bites at my shoulder and slaps my ass hard. I attack his mouth. He lays me down, and slowly ... we begin to devour each other.

  I’m wide awake, and the alarm clock is blaring its green numbers at me: 3:17 a.m. I was asleep until I had one of my crazy pregnancy dreams. This time, there was a Great Dane telling me to take her home, that she was good with kids. I was amazed to hear her talking English, but apparently, I was the only one who could understand her. Then the people around me started barking instead of talking!

  Grayson grumbles and turns over. I do the same, taking advantage of the last week or so I’ll be able to lie on my belly. I stare at the clock and let my mind wander to my conversation with Ray. What did he mean by my pretending about kisses, touches, and things said? Why am I blocking some things and not others?

  I try to think about the different times I’ve been with him. There are so many to choose from—until Grayson, Ray and I did everything together. We even had unintentional sleepovers. I did like waking up with him the next morning. I even bought him a couple of PJ bottoms for here because he’d fall asleep in his jeans, and it looked uncomfortable. Who wants to sleep in jeans? I remember when I first told him about them.

  He called me to see what I was doing after Annie had gone to her grandparents’ for the night.

  “Just having a couple glasses of wine and watching a movie. What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Nothing, babe. Want some company?”

  “Sure. I’m picking the movie though, McNeil! You chose the last one!” I made myself clear. He always picks the damn movies!

  “Okay. See you in a few.”

  Within twenty minutes he unlocked my door and waltzed in.

  Wait! He had a key for the inn, but how did he have one to my room? Why didn’t I wonder about that then? Hmm.

  Ray kicked off his shoes and removed his jacket as I poured my third glass of wine. He put his beer down.

  “What are we watching, baby?” He looked at the TV as he pulled his watch off and set it on the nightstand

  “Baby Mama.” I sighed.

  “Oh, c’mon, babe. There’s gotta be something better on.” His usual complaint.

  “I want something funny!”

  “Becs, who are you kidding? You’ll be asleep in twenty ... thirty minutes, tops. Don’t subject me to this crap!” He grabbed the remote. He was right—totally my M.O.! He chose Star Trek.

  “Okay. This is fine. Thanks for asking!”

  “You’re welcome.” He kissed my forehead.

  “The guy who plays Spock is hot,” I said as I sipped my wine.

  “Babe, hate to break it to you but ... he’s gay.” He laughed.

  “No he’s not!”

  “Uh, yeah he is!”

  “Damn it! Theme song: ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ by Queen.” I sighed sadly. “Hey, in the top drawer over there are the P
J bottoms I bought you.” I pointed, then took another sip. Ray just stood there, staring at me. “What?” I looked up at him.

  “Um ... nothing. Okay.” He went to the drawer and took the top one out. He smelled it, which made me laugh.

  “Why are you smelling them?”

  “You washed them?” He looked over at me.

  “Of course I did! Why?”

  He just shrugged his shoulders. I looked forward toward the TV as he pulled off his jeans and his underwear.

  “Baby, don’t strain your eyes. Go ahead and look at me if you want to.”

  I could sense his smile.

  “Cocky bastard!” I snapped under my breath. I turned and fixed the pillows so we could sit with our backs against the headboard comfortably. Ray pulled the covers back, uncovering me.

  “Nice PJs, babe. I especially like these.”

  My shorts had hiked up a little when I turned. He hooked his finger under the edge, caressing my butt cheek before pulling my shorts back into place. If I’d had panties on, I would’ve needed to change them. But I ignored him anyway.

  “Ray, you pulled the covers back too far!” They were almost on the floor, so I leaned over the edge of the bed to retrieve them as he got situated. Once I had them, he grabbed me by my underarms like a child and pulled me back to sit between his legs. I was going to tell him I set up my pillows, but it felt nice lying back against him. Instead, I complained and rubbed my underarms. “Ow, Ray.”

  “Sorry, baby,” he whispered. He touched my left cheek and turned my face to his, kissing my lips softly ‘til I opened my mouth for him. I remember feeling so nervous.

  “Ray ...” I pulled away, unsure.

  “Shh ... the movie’s starting.” He nodded toward it. I laid my head back on his chest—his naked, well-sculpted chest. He smelled amazing. I tried to reach for my wine. “Would you like your wine, baby?” He smirked as he stared ahead.

  “Yes, please,” I said softly. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, then grabbed my wine.

  “What number is this, babe?” He held it away from me.

  “Third. I don’t have to get up early tomorrow.”

  He shook his head and handed it to me. I took three long sips to calm my nerves.

  “Thirsty?” He raised his eyebrows. I handed it back, not saying anything. Within minutes I felt more relaxed, so I leaned back against him.