“When did the whole Star Trek sleepover happen?” I take the water from him and sip it.
“Huh?”
“I had a flashback last night of you coming over. I had PJs for you, and we were going to watch Star Trek. I was drinking wine, so I guess that diet was over!” I laugh a little.
“Oh. That wasn’t until the following February. Man, you pissed me off!” He plops back down onto the couch.
“So, nothing happened until then?” I look at him, confused.
“No. I mean, yes. The pictures of us at the carnival ... we made love the night before and that morning, then that night ... so on and so forth. Mama got her magic back.” His smile becomes huge again.
I try to think back to that weekend.
Elise yelled at me over the phone. Between her and Hazel, I gave in and cleared my weekend. Ray picked up Morgan and me that Friday morning. The girls got right to giggling in the backseat. Ray took our suitcase and slid it into the back of the truck, underneath the bed cover. He looked well. He was wearing the outfit I had bought him for Father’s Day. Plaid shorts in light, creamy shades of blue, gray, and white with a matching polo. He wore black flip-flops aviator sunglasses. I’m not a fan of aviators, but I had to admit—they looked great on him. His hair was shorter, but choppy—the way I like it at that length. He had a great tan going from all of the work he’d been doing outside.
Ray loves to design, but he doesn’t like to just leave it at that. Whenever he can, he gets his hands dirty with the build. He’s a hard worker by choice.
“What are you thinking about?” He touched my cheek.
“Oh, I was admiring your tan.” I pushed his sunglasses up. “I can’t see your eyes with those. Hi.” I smiled.
“Hi.” He took them off.
“You are putting sunblock on, right? Especially on your ears?” I reached up and grabbed his right ear gently. He winced and touched the small of my back as I leaned in closer to look. His ears were clearly burned. “Ray, come on! I’ve told you a million times to apply it in the morning before you leave. I bought you some and put it on your dresser! Do I have to come over in the morning and apply it myself?”
“Hi,” he said again, completely ignoring my sunblock tirade. “It’s nice to see you, baby. I’ve missed you.” He nudged my lips with his. I nudged back. His right hand came up to my face to steady me so he could deepen the kiss. He groaned—a dull, aching sound.
“Shit, Ray!” I pulled away.
“No, baby, please.” He brought my face back to his and kissed me again.
“Ray, I forgot the crumb bars on the counter.” I stepped back and gave him a crooked smile.
“That’s why you’re pulling away?” he asked, unsure.
“Yes. I promised your mom. She’ll have my head if I forget them. I’ll be right back.” I kissed him quickly and ran back into the inn.
“All set?” he asked when I handed him the dish.
“Yep. Let’s go! By the way, McNeil ... your ass is looking pretty sweet in those shorts.” I swatted his butt and walked around to the passenger side. We both got in and Ray started the truck.
“Hey, babe?” He looked over at me, then at the girls. He leaned over. “You still on the Pill?” he asked quietly in my ear.
“Yeah, why?”
“Oh ... you’ll find out.” He kissed my cheek and took my hand before he drove down the hill of the driveway.
Our two-hour journey only took ninety minutes. I kept yelling at Ray about his speed, but he just pulled me over to him and slung his arm around my shoulders. I leaned up against him, putting my feet up on the passenger seat. It was relaxing, as if we were on a sofa instead of the front seat of a truck.
On the last leg of the trip, the girls fell asleep in the backseat. I felt drowsy myself.
“They asleep?” Ray asked softly.
“Mmm-hmm,” I murmured. Ray slowly slipped his hand into my tank top.
“Shh,” he whispered as his fingers found my left nipple. He began to play with it, running his fingertips in circles around it, tweaking it harshly. I held on to his arm, trying not to make a sound. “Feel good, baby?” he whispered.
“Yes.” I tried to catch my breath.
“Are we almost there, Ray? I have to pee,” Morgan grumbled. Ray casually slid his hand up to my left shoulder.
“Almost, baby, can you hold it for ten more minutes?” he asked her as I tried to compose myself.
“Yeah, I guess.” She turned the other way in the backseat. Ray’s hand started to slide down again, but I smacked it lightly as I sat up against him so he wouldn’t have such easy access. I put my left arm around his shoulders and my right hand on his chest.
“Wait,” he said, and brought his arm down from my shoulder.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He smiled and grabbed my hand. I rested my head on his shoulder. Ray placed my hand on the zipper of his shorts. He was as hard as a rock.
“That’s going to feel so good, baby,” I whispered in his ear before I nipped at his earlobe. I reached my hand under his shirt to scratch lightly above the top of his shorts.
“Jesus, Becca, if the girls weren’t in this car—we’d be christening 95 North right now.” He squeezed my hand , and I bit my entire bottom lip to stifle my huge smile. He gave me a half smile. “When we get home, we’ll send the girls outside with the grandparents. We should go right upstairs and settle in. I’ve got quite the bone to pick with you, Becca.” His casual sexual banter always made me laugh.
“Yeah, I think we have a few things we need to work out, McNeil.” I played along.
“We need to come to an agreement, baby.”
“Well, I feel confident that we’ll be able to relate to each other, McNeil.”
“There may be a lot of pressure, considering the time we’ll have.” He sighed.
“Hmm ... could be a tight squeeze.”
“Oh ... I think we’ll be able to fit it in and come together as one.” A smirk crossed his face.
After a beat, I laughed “I have nothing!”
“McNeil, one!” He licked his index finger and stuck it in the air, then turned his attention to the sign coming up. “Finally!” He sighed and pulled off at the exit. We arrived within a few minutes. The truck barely stopped before the girls’ seatbelts were flying off. They jumped out of the truck as soon as Ray parked.
“Nana! Pop Pop! We’re here!” They yelled.
“Someday, baby ...”
“Someday what?” I glanced over before I opened my door.
“There’ll be a couple of boys running around with our girls yelling ‘Nana! Pop Pop!’” He pulled me back to him.
“Oh yeah, you’re in good with the Big Man? You get to pick what we have?” I meant to tease because I felt overwhelmed, but I ended up overwhelming myself more when I said this.
“Actually, I don’t care what we have. All I know is that I want to have them with you, baby.” He reached up into the hair at the back of my neck, holding me steady as his mouth covered mine. “Becs, I need to take you inside.”
“Yes.” I broke free from him and opened my door. He took my hand and we ran toward the house. The girls were already heading to the pool.
“Mama, we’ll be with you in twenty to twenty-five minutes, tops!” he said as we rushed by her and ran up the stairs of the farmhouse. I couldn’t stifle my giggle at the embarrassment I knew I would feel later.
Apparently, I didn’t run fast enough. Ray pulled my arm and threw me over his shoulder to carry me up.
“Jesus, Ray!” I gasped. He took long strides to our room, then shut and locked the door once we were inside. He put me down and we attacked each other. Clothes flew everywhere. I almost fell trying to get my panties off. Ray caught me in the hook of his left arm and threw me down onto the bed, parting me from my tricky knickers.
“Baby, we don’t have much time.” He climbed on top of me. “I’ll make love to you later, but, right now ... ” He thrust inside of me,
the force of it making me arch my neck. It was aggressive and rough, but I remember thinking about how familiar he felt to me and wondering how that could be possible. Everything seemed right. “Babe?” He stopped. Looking into his eyes, I sensed this wasn’t our first time. I glanced around the room, and suddenly the morning we made love and cried flashed back to me. “Baby ... please ... don’t.” He commanded my attention.
“Sorry, Ray.” I leaned up to kiss him and slowly moved my hips, which encouraged him to do the same.
“Then the kiss in the rain?” I wince. I’d mention that the flashback I had during the last memory, but I know it’s pointless.
“Yes ... the infamous kiss in the rain! Why were you coming to my house again?” He takes a swig of his water.
“Annie needed her poster board for day camp. You forgot it, so I was bringing it over. Or so I thought. Seems I forgot it anyway ... I have no idea why.” My playful sarcasm does not go over well with Ray.
“Six months for a kiss and a moment that you remembered. If only you knew how much more we had done ... how much more we meant to each other. Six months, baby. It killed me.” He rests his head on my shoulders.
“Sorry.” I kiss his forehead. “I know what happened with the sleigh ride, but I don’t know when we made up.”
“The week before, my parents came down. My mom sent me to the grocery store to pick up a few things. She and Annie were baking for the nursing home like they do every year. Anyway, I ran into fucking Twinkle Toes.”
“Knock it off! You’re terrible!” I laugh.
“Well, anyway ... there he was, looking to dig! Only, he didn’t realize you were within earshot. Neither of us did. You basically came up to me like we were shopping together and asked me if I was ready to go,” he says with a laugh. “Oh, the look at that asshole’s face as we sauntered up to the register was priceless.”
“Yeah I remember. You were all over me the whole time in line, all touchy-feely.” I imitate him with the wiggly fingers.
“There’s just something about you, babe ... makes a man want to touch and feel you.” His hand travels from my knee up my inner thigh.
“Stop right there, McNeil!” I tap his hand.
“I tried to get touchy-feely with you outside as well. I really had my hopes up that night. It felt so good to kiss you again.” He kisses my cheek.
“I felt bad for leading you on, but I didn’t like what Will was saying to you and I didn’t like how he was getting toward me.” I notice how small my hands are in Ray’s.
“I was just glad that you were willing to let me back into your life. Even though I had to promise not to pressure you and that we were strictly friends. I missed you—I would’ve walked across hot coals for you. I still would.” He spins his empty water bottle around on the coffee table. I stop him.
“So, what’s next?” The atmosphere has changed somewhat in the room. We’re getting close to the end of all my forgotten memories. I’m pretty sure he’s wondering what is going to happen once we’re done here.
“We stayed at the inn for Christmas. I had my own room, but I didn’t stay in it.” Ray stands up and starts stretching. He lowers the heat on the fireplace. Nervous energy.
“Feel like a jog, Ray?” He’s not a jogger, but that’s what he does when he gets like this.
“Yeah, babe, I do.” He smiles sheepishly. I know him. He loves that I know him. “Do you remember waking up next to me Christmas Day?” He sits back down. My eyes scan the room. Apparently, that’s supposed to help me retrieve this memory. Not working! I look down at the chocolate-brown Berber office carpet. Hmm.
“No, what happened?” I glance over.
“Um, nothing, actually. You woke up and asked me what I was doing in your bed. After you unraveled yourself from my death grip, of course.”
“Why were you in there?” I ask.
“The truth, or the reason I told you?” He chuckles.
“Both.”
“I told you I wasn’t comfortable in the other bed and after a few hours I gave up and joined you. The real reason should be obvious, babe.” He taps my nose with his finger and pecks my lips.
“I guess it is. Did I flip out?”
“No.” His eyes widen.
“That’s weird. Was I, as you like to call it, on?”
I head to the bathroom in the office and pray it’s set up. Ahh, yes! My bladder and I are grateful.
“I can hear you!” I shout.
“No, you weren’t on. You were kind of like, whatever,” he yells. I wash my hands and wipe them on my shirt. I prayed for running water, not towels.
“So, next?” I come out to find him sprawled on the couch again. His jeans are a faded medium blue, relaxed in the legs. They sit low on his waist. I can see his happy trail peeking out from between his shirt and waistband. His arms are beneath his head, biceps accentuated under the short-sleeve blue T-shirt he’s wearing. God, he’s fucking hot! I have such a strong desire to snuggle up to him (amongst other things ... ahem).
“Admiring the masterpiece?” he teases. Ugh! You have no idea! These hormones are driving me crazy!
“Always.” I sit on the edge.
“Lay with me, baby.” He stretches his arm out for me to rest on. I decide I should rest—being pregnant and all. I lay down. His hand immediately caresses my belly. Why does he keep touching me there? Does he know? Can he tell? “Theme song?”
“No.” I sigh and count the number of recessed lights.
“Running out of songs, baby?” His hand slowly heads toward my breast.
“Stop.” I grab his hand.
“Or what, baby? What are you going to do?” He gives me a playful smile.
“Probably enjoy it, then get pissed about it.” I close my eyes in defeat and let go of his hand. He slides it back down to my stomach. “Next, please.” I sigh, a bit disappointed.
“It was New Year’s Eve. I was in a pretty shitty mood. Annie and I came over for Chinese, and we went around the table and said our New Year’s resolutions, as usual. Mine was to have more fun. I decided to start that night!”
“Carl called you,” I interrupt.
“Yes. Go ahead, then. I’ll lie here contemplating all the different ways to turn you on with my touch—aggravating the piss out of you.” He smirks and walks his fingers up my side. I can’t help laughing.
“Hey, babe, Carl just called me. Can you watch Annie?” he asked as I poured popcorn into a big bowl for all of us to snack on. The girls were waiting in the lounge for us to watch a movie before watching the ball drop.
“Why? What’s the matter? Is he okay?” I was worried. Carl wouldn’t pull Ray away from us on New Year’s Eve unless something had happened.
“No. I want to meet him for drinks. Brooke is at the pub asking for me, so I kinda want to see her, too.” He tilts his head and winces a bit, seemingly unsure.
“Brooke who?” Oh no! A flicker of jealousy stirred in me.
“Actually, I don’t know her last name. I only met her a few weeks ago. She’s home from college, visiting her parents. Will you watch Annie for me?” He put his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels.
“College, Ray? Aren’t you a little too old for her?” I snapped, my voice more forceful than I intended.
“She’s legal, she’s fucking cute as hell, and I’m pretty sure I’ll get some. That’s all I care about right now. I have needs, Becca. Unless you want to meet them, baby, I will go somewhere else.” He backed me up to the counter. “Well? Do you want to meet them? Or should I go?” We were nose to nose, and I felt my breath catch. His hands held my hips. I wanted to tell him to stay. I would meet his needs.
“Go,” is what I said instead.
“What?” He seemed to have lost his breath.
“You heard me.” I looked down to the black and white tiled floor.
“You want me to go and fuck somebody else?” he asked angrily.
“I don’t want you to fuck me!” I was mad as hell. Mostly bec
ause I knew I was lying.
“I have fucked you—more times than I can count!” Oh, he was pissed!
“Get off of me,” I hissed.
“Make me.” He smirked before he grabbed my bottom lip with his teeth. I tried to push him away, but he pinned my arms. “Tell me you want me.” His request stirred something deep inside me. That, and the way he nipped and kissed down my neck and back up again. “Tell me this is still mine,” he whispered in my ear as he let go of my arm and ran his hand underneath the band of my PJs—directly between my legs. He caressed me there purposefully. “Tell me it’s mine,” he said again. His fingers circled my opening then darted in. “Oh, baby, I think I found my answer.”
I felt so many things in that moment. I couldn’t quite sort them out. Betrayal. Hurt. Disgust. Confusion. Familiarity. Want. Need. I laid my head on my free hand that rested in defeat on his shoulder and cried.
“Come for me, baby,” Ray commanded. “Come on.” He worked harder. I wasn’t even close. It felt all wrong. I felt violated.
“Please stop, please.” I raised my head to look into his eyes. He leaned forward to kiss me. I pulled my head back. He stared into my eyes—stormy ocean to emerald sea. I felt my chin quivering. Slowly he pulled his fingers out and his hand away.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby.” He hugged me. I just stood there. “Please forgive me.” He held me at arm’s length.
“They’re waiting for their popcorn.” I felt numb, melancholy. I wiped away my tears, pushed Ray to the side, and grabbed the bowl of popcorn. When I walked out to bring it to them, Hazel was sitting with them.
“What’s wrong, Becca? Were you crying?” Hazel asked quietly near my ear. She took my arm.
“No. Don’t come too close, Hazel, I just got sick.” I lied because I wanted a good reason to just be able to go to bed.
“Oh no! Do you think it was the food?” she asked. I just shook my head. “Okay, sweetie. Go on, I’ll take care of the girls.” She rubbed my arm.
“Girls, I’m going to say good night, but I can’t kiss you—I just got sick.” I glanced at Ray. He diverted his eyes, looking ashamed. The girls complained a little, but then started the movie. That was my cue to exit stage left and up the stairs.
Goodbye Secrets Page 25