“No, sweetheart. I want you to watch it now and get it over with so that I may have your full attention after. Becca, why don’t I go and see what the girls are up to? You stay and watch. Now that I know what this is, I don’t need to stay here and make you feel uncomfortable. I only have one question, though.” He takes the last bite of his sandwich.
“What’s that?” I thumb the mayo away from the corner of his mouth. He grabs my hand gently and sucks the mayo off of my thumb. “Oh, Mr. James.” I shake my head.
“Something to think about, aye, Ms. Campbell?” He lets a small smile creep in ... his seductive smile.
“Indeed.” I lean in for a kiss.
“Mmm. So, who took all of these pictures? It’s quite stalkerish! I may have to hire them.” He laughs lightly.
“Oh, that would be, as the girls like to call her, Nanarazzi, Ray’s mother, Elise. I’m sure it will get worse. That woman is dangerous with a camera in her hand! Sneaky little thing.” I laugh, then feel a blanket of sadness come over me. I can’t imagine what Ray’s mom is thinking of me. It breaks my heart. She’s such an important person in my life. The idea of losing her kills me.
“Sad, sweetheart?” He rubs my back.
“I love his mom. What she must think of me?”
“Stop, sweetheart.” He thumbs away the tears from the corners of my eyes. “You did nothing intentional.” I hug him. “All right then, get back to it, sweetheart. I love you.” He kisses me.
“Love you, baby.” I squeeze him to me. He gets up and heads out. I press play.
“Come Home” by One Republic starts playing. More pictures of that Christmas pop up.
Opening presents with the girls
Ray and I relaxing on the couch
All four of us dressed for church
Ray and I walking into church hand in hand
It’s like I’m watching somebody else’s life.
Horseback riding in January together
Dancing at the winter festival
Ray and I doing one of our many karaoke performances
We Were MAINE for Each Other – white letters
Our first trip to Maine for Easter starts with “Hey, Soul Sister” by Train.
We look so sweet, asleep on the couch wrapped in each other’s arms
We’re walking barefoot down the beach—our khakis rolled up at the bottom—and he has his arms around me as the wind whips our hair
Ray’s giving me a piggyback ride down the beach
We’re kissing on the beach
We’re chasing the girls in the yard
Ray and I asleep on the hammock (black and white)
Ray wakes up and smiles at his mother
Ray watches me sleep
He touches my face
I open my eyes and smile up at him
We kiss
We snuggle
I wave at his mom
Easter-egg hunt with the girls
Ray has Morgan on his shoulders to get an egg off a high tree branch
Family-style portrait of us in our Easter best
The video continues on showcasing pictures like this to a great soundtrack. He has “Photographs and Memories” by Jason Reeves, “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane, “Fall For You” by Secondhand Serenade, “When You’re Gone” by Avril Lavigne, “Dreaming with a Broken Heart” by John Mayer, “The Perfect Boy” by The Cure, “On Bended Knee” by Boyz II Men, “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum, “Warning Sign” by Coldplay, “From Where You Are” by Lifehouse, “I’m Gonna Be (500 miles)” by The Proclaimers, “Brighter than Sunshine” by Aqualung, and “Perfect Two” by Auburn.
Sometimes We Don’t See Eye to Eye (white letters)
“Never Say Never” by The Fray comes on.
I’m yelling at Ray on the patch of grass right off his parents’ porch, his arms stretched out wide
He’s angry
I’m crying and talking through my teeth
Ray walks toward me
He grabs my face gently
I push his hands away
My face is turned
Ray looks sincere
He tries to turn my face.
He’s trying to make me laugh
Ray goes on his knees, his hands clasped, begging me in an exaggerated manner
I’m finally laughing
Ray hugs my lower body to him
He up at me with his boyish grin
Ray stands up and looks down into my eyes
He palms my face
We kiss
We hold each other
We walk arm and arm back to the house
“What were we arguing about?” I ask out loud.
I have no idea what we were arguing about that day either! (appears in white)
I can’t help but laugh.
“Fix You” by Coldplay finishes out our memories. The screen goes black for a moment. “Every Breath You Take” by The Police plays as a message pops up.
Becs,
As you can see, you are the love of my life. You and our girls are my life. I wouldn’t trade a single one of these moments for anything. I’m begging you, baby, to acknowledge the happiness we bring to each other, how important “we” are and how much we truly love each other. This is our life in pictures ... the good and the bad. I can’t promise to never make you mad or upset you, but I can promise to love you like hell, babe. You are my forever ... let me be yours.
So deeply in love with you,
Ray
One last picture appears of Ray and me. He’s hugging me from behind, and we’re looking at each other, laughing. I sit back and, for the second time in two days, have a good cry over one Mr. Ray McNeil.
A knock on the door grabs my attention. Melissa smiles as she lets herself in.
“Hi,” I murmur as I wipe my eyes.
“Hi.” She winces.
“Please make me laugh about something ... anything!” I beg her.
“I have just the thing! Claudia dropped this off earlier.” She hands me an album.
“Oh my God, I almost forgot about this!” I clap my hands excitedly. This is one of Grayson’s Christmas presents. I have to give it to him alone, because it’s an inside joke. I open it up and go into complete hysterics, and my tears turn to ones from laughter. “Did you get the other gift for me?” I ask.
“Yes, it’s in my room.” She glances at the book and giggles, but her expression says she’s confused.
“It’s a long story.” I close it and grab her arm. “Let’s go. I want to wrap these.”
“Where are you going, love?” Grayson asks as we head upstairs.
“To finish wrapping gifts. I’ll be down in twenty minutes, babe.” We run up. Melissa lets me into her room, which now kind of looks like her and Ryan’s room.
“So, your first Christmas ... how are things?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Um.” She blushes. “Really, really good.” Her smile is huge. “Uh, so, here.” She hands me the bag.
“Do you have scissors and wrapping paper?” I pull the item out of the bag and crack up.
“You guys are fucking weird! That’s all I have to say.” She shakes her head as she hands me the supplies. I start cutting like a madwoman. Melissa stares at me with her mouth open. “Those were a hundred and fifty dollars, Becca!”
“Yeah, too bad they cost so much. Oh well.” I carry on.
“So, how were things with Ray this morning? If you don’t mind me asking.”
I don’t mind. Melissa has been here since the get-go, and she’s become a very close friend. I should talk to her about her next assignment, though. Not everyone will be as laid-back as I am. She’s young and she showcases that in her unprofessionalism. If I were anyone else, she would’ve been fired a long time ago. Grayson, of course, tries to fire her every other week, but she’s a very qualified and able person. I’m going to miss her when the time comes.
“Nope, it’s okay. Um, it was difficult. Ray is a wonderful man and I’ve dragg
ed him through the mud, basically, for five years. I didn’t realize that my PTSD was so severe it was blocking out my memories with Ray ... well, all of the intimate ones. Ray just basically had to tell me about the past five years of my life with him.” I apply the last piece of tape to the album’s wrapping.
“Becca, he date-raped you! Aren’t you going to press charges?”
I wince at her bluntness.
“No,” I simply say.
“But he raped you!” she snaps.
“Melissa, if it were any other person on the planet, I would press charges. It’s different, and it’s complicated.” I try to keep my patience. I know she’s coming from a place of friendship and concern.
“It’s rape and he should pay for it!” she yells.
“He has paid for it, Melissa! You have no idea! You don’t know the entire story, so I suggest you shut your damn mouth before you get fired again ... by me this time!” I yell back.
“Then fire me! I can’t believe I looked up to you! You’re basically saying it’s okay because this guy had a crush on you for a few years? What are you teaching your daughter?” Her chin quivers. I can see and understand her frustration.
“Meliss, you only know one side, babe. You don’t know what I’ve done to him. I’m not saying what he did was okay, just that I forgive him. I understand that I had a pretty big hand in pushing him to a place that even he’s not comfortable with. The only advice I’ve ever given you is to follow your heart and communicate your feelings. That’s what I’m doing right now. If you were in this predicament, you may feel differently. I have to do what’s right for me. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you, Melissa, but we are all in charge of our own destiny and the decisions that get us there. Sometimes role models teach us what not to do. If you feel that I am handling a situation incorrectly compared to how you would handle it, then that’s good! It means you are your own person with your own moral compass. That will get you much further in life than following somebody else’s.” I finish my philosophical rant to a quiet Melissa. She’s been biting at a hangnail, taking in every word ... so it seems.
“Am I still fired?” she asks softly.
“Unless you want to be ... no.” I sigh and collect the wrapped gifts. “Thanks for helping me with these.” I give her a half smile and turn to leave.
“Becca!” Melissa yells as I’m halfway out the door.
“Yes?” I turn and get a hug that could fall under the category of tackling.
“I’m sorry. It’s just, I’ve grown to love you so much and I worry about you.”
“I love you, too, and don’t worry about me! I’ve got a kickass bodyguard!” I tease and hug her back just as fiercely. Ryan clears his throat out in the hallway.
“Hey, everything all right, Mrs. James?” he asks. We break from our hug.
“Yes, Ryan, everything’s fine. Have you seen Mr. James?” I ask.
“Um, downstairs.” He takes Melissa’s hand.
“Thanks.” I head to our room to put the gifts away. I can’t help but wonder when my room will be done. It’s bigger, and, well ... it’s mine! But then again, I guess I don’t have to worry about it since we’re moving to California.
I’m never going to see Ray again. I choke back a sob. Why did my brain have to go there? It’s best for both of us if I’m not here. I’ll have to start my business all over again ... if I want to. Not something to worry about today. I hide the packages and make my way downstairs. I want to make sure all of the baking is done. I just want to cook dinner tomorrow and not worry about anything else.
I’ve decided to give Grayson his personal special gifts tomorrow night. I can’t wait. I’m extra nervous and excited about the one gift. It’s small in size, but huge in gesture. I’m pretty sure he will be most delighted with this one!
Finishing the last few stairs, I notice how quiet it is in the inn. I love closing down for the holiday and just having us here. Of course, there is an increase of twenty-five or so security people this year, compared to the usual two to four (depending on the year) McNeils. Wait! This is supposed to be our year with Ray’s parents! Wow, Becca, you’ve just graduated to using a baseball bat for your mental head slap!
Following my nose, I find myself in the kitchen. It seems everything on Grayson’s mother’s list is done. Humph. I guess I’ll start making my own stuff. It’s going on two in the afternoon now. I wonder what the girls are up to. I grab eight packages of cream cheese and several containers of sour cream. Whipped topping comes out of the freezer, as well as blueberries.
“Becca, what are you doing, honey?” Hazel pipes up from behind me.
“Oh, I was going to make cream-cheese tarts, blueberry crumb bars, and pumpkin cake.” I look for the little graham-cracker-crust shells.
“We did everything, honey.” She sighs.
“Everything?” I’m a little upset.
“Yes, we had quite the team. And with this new kitchen ... ” She waves around as if I hadn’t seen it yet.
“Oh. Well, then I guess I’ll cook supper tonight.” I go to the fridge to put everything away.
“Grayson’s taking us all out.” She seems unsure.
“What about the staff?” I really don’t want to go to a restaurant the day before Christmas Eve with, like, fifty people!
“He rented a room and we’re having a buffet. Why don’t you go talk to him? He’s in your office.” She starts putting the rest of my stuff away. I nod and head off.
I look up through the windows of the French doors before I reach the handle. Grayson is sitting at my computer, looking at the DVD. What’s this about? I open the door and walk in. He doesn’t even flinch. Then again, he’s never been concerned with invading my privacy.
“Ahem.” I clear my throat as he finishes reading Ray’s message to me.
“You two looked very much in love,” Grayson finally says.
“Yeah, I guess we did.” I sit next to him, not quite sure where this is going to lead.
“Feelings like that don’t just die away, sweetheart.” He’s not looking at me.
“I didn’t know those memories existed until this morning, Gray.” I reach for his hand.
“How did you feel? Did you remember once he told you?” He turns the chair to face me and grabs my other hand as well.
“Most of them, yes. It was weird, having my own memories told to me. Sometimes I felt like he was talking about two other people. Other times he would just start the memory and I was able to retrieve it.” I’m going to remain calm, levelheaded, and honest, I tell myself. It’s more of a chant, really.
“Did, um ... did you feel what you were feeling for him at the time?”
“Yes. I could sense what I was feeling at the time.” I’m not sure what he really means.
“Did he touch you?” He glances up.
“Yes.” My heart is racing.
“Did you make love to him?” His eyelids go crazy.
“No!” I say quickly.
“Did you want to?”
“I was turned on by our memories, but I had no intentions of acting on them.”
“Becca, do you realize that I am unsure as to where I really stand with you?”
I can see he’s trying so hard to remain calm.
“You stand as the man I’m in love with. The man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Nothing has changed!” I try to reassure him.
“I sense that it has, sweetheart. I’ve sensed it ever since yesterday.” He looks down. I sit on his lap.
“Grayson, it’s because this all just happened. That’s it. It’s done. Let’s concentrate on Christmas and moving back to California. I am giving up everything for you, because what I’m gaining—our family and our love—means so much more. Grayson, you are the one. I love you, baby.” I lean down and collect his lips with mine.
“You know what, sweetheart? You’re right! Let’s focus on the here and now!” He perks up. Almost too much.
“Okay. Sounds good!” I decide not
to bring any attention to the sharp shift in his tone. “So, a little birdie told me we were going out to eat tonight.” Change of subject to shoo away the white elephant.
“Oh, is that the little birdie who ‘pssts’ instead of chirps?” He laughs a little, going back to our conversation about Hazel months ago.
“Yes. You know, I don’t like that no one waited for me to do any of the baking!” I frown. I am still upset.
“Sweetheart, you were dealing with a lot today, and we just ended up zooming right through it. It wasn’t intentional. We are going to The Break Room. I’ve rented their room there. We shall have a feast!” He kisses my nose and pats my belly.
“Hey, any word from Jake?” Speaking of bellies.
“Yes, actually. I did hear from him. Sweetheart, Stacey is pregnant, but she’s sixteen weeks. It’s Steve’s. I don’t know why she lied.” He sighs.
“Geez, she doesn’t look that far along. I think she lied to get me upset about Ray. Who the hell knows, Gray? She’s not the same person anymore.” I can’t figure her out. It’s completely frustrating!
“Maybe she lied because she can’t get ahold of Steve. Did you ask Ray if he slept with her?” He rubs my upper arm.
“No. I’ll ask him tomorrow.” I exhale in an exaggerated manner. Gray hands me the phone.
“I will give Annie to him tomorrow. You are to stay away from him. Call him now.” He nods toward the phone. I take it and dial Ray’s number, praying he doesn’t answer.
“Becca?” Thanks, God! I see whose team you’re on!
“Yeah, hi. I need to ask you something.” Jesus, this is awkward! I feel like I’m in high school.
“What is it, baby?”
Grayson rolls his eyes at Ray’s usual endearment. I nudge him.
“You’ve talked to Stacey ... has she told you she’s pregnant?” Okay. Good angle, creeping in the backdoor.
“No. She is? Oh man, George got her pregnant?” he asks, frustrated for her.
“Um, no. I know its Steve’s. She’s sixteen weeks along. But, Ray ... ” I start.
Goodbye Secrets Page 28