Ray: We’re taking the girls out for breakfast and an errand, then we’ll drop Morgan off.
Ray: Becca, this is Mama. I want a word with you, baby girl!
Ray: Uh-oh, Becs!
Me: Mama’s Boy! I’ll have Annie’s phone for her. Enjoy your breakfast!
“Can the man make it through a single paragraph without referring to you as babe or baby five times or more?” Grayson sighs with frustration.
“Well, look at it this way—you probably call me sweetheart just as much.”
He ponders the idea and shrugs his shoulders.
“Point is, Becca—sweetheart—you are indeed my sweetheart and not his baby!”
I stand up and turn to him, lacing his fingers with mine. I balance against his hands as I lean in for a kiss.
“Well, Gray, he’s been calling me that since the very first day I met him. I don’t think that will ever change. Now come, let’s get a move on, shall we?” I pull on his hands. He stands up. His chest is an inch from my face—he completely towers over me. I plant a kiss on his sternum and lean up on my tippy-toes to plant one on his lips.
His hands cup my face. “I love you, Becca ... I’ll always love you, darling.” Before I can question the ache in his declaration, his mouth is on mine. “Mmm, Becca, sweetheart.” His breath is warm against my lips. “If we don’t get dressed, I’m afraid your wish will come true and we will not be able to leave this room the entire day.”
“You may be quite right, Mr. James, as you are standing in front of me shirtless with those PJ bottoms hanging the way that they do ... the way I find absolutely delicious.” I reach up to explore his chest as I bite gently at his neck.
“Oh, bloody hell, Becca!” His hands fist my hair. His mouth finds mine again and the bed withstands the weight of us falling dramatically to it.
“Sorry, Hazel!” I announce as I walk into the kitchen, instead of greeting her with something more pleasant like “good morning” or “merry Christmas.”
Christmas has always been a two-day holiday to me, with Christmas Eve hosting most of the special traditions and memories I hold dear. It was so exciting being a kid in my family! My cousins and I would be sent to bed at our usual time. It would take forever for us to fall asleep, thanks to the anticipation. All of our friends were jealous of us though, because, unlike them, we didn’t have to wait until morning to open our gifts. Nope! As soon as that fat bearded man in a red suit boarded his sleigh and took off, our parents ran down the hall screaming for us to get up.
“Wake up, kids! Craig! Ethan! Dan! Owen! Becca! Santa was here! Come and see what he’s brought you!” Being the youngest and the only girl, one would think I got bulldozed over, but hell no! I charged through the stampede like a little woman on a mission! I always knew that under that tree lay a baby all wrapped up and looking for her mama ... I couldn’t keep her waiting!
I tried to keep the tradition up with Morgan, but I guess it’s not as much fun for an only child. Annie wasn’t down for it, either. So, Ray and I would open our gifts to each other on Christmas Eve after we loaded the tree with the girls’ stuff. If his parents were with us, they joined in as well. We made Christmas morning all about the girls. This is the first time in six years the girls won’t be together on Christmas morning. This will be the first McNeil-free Christmas. I can’t help but feel a little pang in my heart. It doesn’t feel right, but I just need to get over it. My life is with Grayson now. There are going to be a lot of changes. It only feels odd because Ray has been such a permanent fixture in my life for so long.
“Becca! Where is your head at? Becca!” Hazel barks at me.
“Huh? Oh, sorry. Sorry.” I shake my head to regain focus.
“When should we put the lasagnas in?” she asks, looking at me warily.
“Um, one o’clock. I’m going to boil the sausages now.” I go to the fridge.
“Becca, they were boiled yesterday. They’re in the sauce.” She seems frustrated.
“Well, how the hell would I know? Nobody waited for me to do anything!” I snap, which is quite odd for me to do ... well, at least when it comes to Hazel.
“Becca!”
“Sorry.” I say it, but I don’t mean it. Why was everything done without me? “What can I do?”
“Everything is done, Becca.” She regards me cautiously, as if I’m behaving like a ticking time bomb.
“Of course it is!” I snap again and walk out.
“Sweetheart?” Grayson grabs my arm.
“Please, Gray, I just need a minute ... hormones and all, you know?” I don’t look at him.
“All right then, love.” He lets go and I head back upstairs. With every step I take, I feel as if a huge wave of emotions is smacking me in the face. I can’t quite pinpoint the cause. It could be the pregnancy, or the fact that I haven’t been in the driver’s seat to my own life in three months. My tradition of preparing Christmas Eve dinner as well as dessert and other goodies has been taken away without permission or a thought. This has clearly become the straw!
After lying on our bed for probably twenty minutes, crying my eyes out, I come to no conclusion about anything. Probably because I’m avoiding what is really bothering me. I’m afraid to face it ... my feelings for Ray, the ties that bind us. It’s not a simple situation of saying Well, I choose this fellow. Leaving Ray is not cut-and-dried. We are like a basket being unwoven. There’s so much there, and other people involved—it’s not just the two of us. It’s not just Christmas without each other, it’s every holiday, every life event. It’s phone calls until two in the morning, or, like Ray said, until we fall asleep. It’s Annie ... it’s Elise. What will Grayson say when I absentmindedly call Ray to tell him something funny or just to ask him what he thinks? I won’t be allowed to do that! This is goodbye forever. This is never hearing about Annie’s first boyfriend, first dance, or graduation. What if something happens to Ray’s parents? Who is he going to lean on?
But I have Grayson—I’m his family now— plus Morgan and our little one. I can’t walk away from this, either. I’ve fallen so hard for him. I feel as if I’ve loved him forever. He’s gone above and beyond to keep us safe. He treats Morgan as if she is his own. They have an amazing connection. So natural, like it’s always been there.
“Sweetheart.” Grayson rubs my back.
“Oh. Hi.” I turn to him and wipe my tears away. He studies my face for a long time.
“Trying to sort things out?” he finally asks. I nod. “Well,” his eyes go rapid, “what have you come up with, then?”
“Will you let me keep in touch with the McNeils after a certain amount of time has passed?” I sit up and face him boldly.
“Yes. Yes, I will. I know what Annie means to you, and you’ve expressed your love for his Mum as well. If they want to continue a friendship with you, I will allow it.” At this moment, I do feel as if I am some sort of prisoner.
“Ray?” I ask.
“You may talk to Ray via any method, except in person. I think you should wait a few months, though. You know, let wounds heal and all.” He straightens a wrinkle in the sheet instead of looking at me.
“How do you feel about me asking you this?” My index finger pulls his chin up.
“Uncomfortable, to be honest. But I understand it, and I’ve also learned that if I squeeze too hard with you ... you will most certainly slip out of my hands.”
I’m a bit taken aback by this.
“Mr. James, have I softened you a bit?” I bite back my smile.
“You may have, darling ... but I’m pretty sure you know how to fix that.” He thumbs my lip away and sucks on it purposefully. His whole mouth joins mine and slowly he pushes me back down.
“No, Gray, stop. I can’t.” I try to pull away. He straddles me and gets onto his knees, then pulls his shirt up and off. “Grayson, please,” I whisper as he grabs my hands and pins them down.
“I’m a selfish man, Becca, yes?” His words are soft as he looks into my eyes.
&n
bsp; “Yes,” I agree, almost defeated. I turn my head. “Grayson, please, not now. Not at this moment, baby.”
He works at the button on my jeans. I reach down to stop him.
“Don’t!” he snaps, and swats my hand away.
“Are you ... are you trying to push me toward him?” I ask, confused.
Grayson stops short and stares down at me. His nose flares. He jumps off of me, puts his shirt back on, and leaves without uttering a single word.
What the hell was that? I pull myself together mentally as best as I can before following him.
“Grayson!” I say louder than I had planned to as I reach the last step.
“Oh! Look, Becca—your boyfriend is here!” he snaps sarcastically.
“Stop it—you’re my boyfriend!” I yell.
“I am your goddamn fiancé and you’d do well to remember that!” he yells as he grabs my upper arms harshly, crushing them.
“Grayson! Grayson, stop!” I cry.
“Get the fuck off of her!” Ray yells. He’s there so fast I don’t even see him coming, and suddenly, his fist connects with Grayson’s face. Grayson releases my arms and swings back at Ray. There they are, the two great loves of my life, beating the Christmas Spirit right out of each other!
“Bound to happen, aye, Bridget?” I hear Stacey behind me, attempting her best British accent. I turn to her quickly. I want to laugh at her comment, and she knows this—it just doesn’t seem appropriate! Security finally breaks them up. “Okay, Becca, tell us ... who is the champion of your heart? Who is your Cinderella Man?” Stacey asks me loudly with a full-blown Jersey accent.
“Wow, channeling your inner Renée Zellweger today or what?” I ask her. I turn my attention to Grayson and Ray. “Look at the pair of you! Feel better now that you’ve beaten each other to a pulp?” I yell.
“Becs. Becs, wake up, baby.”
I slowly open my eyes. “Ray?”
“Yeah, babe.” He smiles.
“What are you doing here? Where did your fat lip go?” I touch his face.
“I brought Morgan back ... and I didn’t have a fat lip.” He looks at me strangely.
“Didn’t you and Grayson just get into a fight?” I sit up, confused as hell.
“No, but if that’s what it will take to get you to see who you belong with, I’ll jump right on it.” He flashes me a small smile before he leans in and kisses me.
“Stop, Ray.” I push away. His knuckles caress my left cheek softly. I swallow hard, trying to control my breathing. I feel the heat from his breath as he leans forward again.
“Baby ... please,” he almost whispers as his lips graze mine. I feel paralyzed, like I’m about to be caught in a trap concocted by one Grayson James and his spying personality. “Kiss me, baby. My mom is holding him hostage.” Both of his hands hold my face, bringing it closer to his. “Becs, I love you. Kiss me, baby.” Reluctantly, I comply.
“Theme-song alert.” I pull away.
“What?” His lips graze mine again.
“‘Firestarter’ by The Prodigy,” I say quickly, and put all hands on deck. Ray pulls me up so I’m straddling his lap. Our kiss is deep and urgent. Panic rises in me as I slowly come to my senses. “No. No, Ray. Oh God, stop ... you have to stop!” I try to pull away. His arms are tight around me, holding me to him.
“Yes, Ray ... please do stop,” Grayson says calmly.
“Baby, you belong with me. Don’t fight it anymore. You love me.” He holds my face to his.
“I love Grayson, too.”
“Quite the pickle she’s in, isn’t it?” Grayson says. God ... he is behaving oddly.
“Let me up, Ray, please.”
Ray quickly kisses me again, then lets me up. I stand and face Grayson. He is still near the entrance of the room.
“Forever, aye, love?” His nose is flaring, probably to help him to breathe deeply and keep the dampness of his eyes under control. I don’t know how to defend myself, so I decide to go with the dramatics of a 1950s movie and sob as I run to the bathroom. There, Becca, that’s showing them! Wimp! I lock the door and decide to live in here for the rest of my life!
“Becca ... baby girl, wake up.” I hear Elise and open my eyes. I’m still on the bed.
“Did you guys just get here?” I ask, trying to map out reality vs. dream.
“Yes ... now scoot over, baby, we gonna have us a nice talk.” She pats my hip.
“Yes, ma’am.” I smile. Oh shit ... here we go.
GRAYSON
Ray and I sit in the lounge, studying each other, testosterone pumping out of every orifice of our bodies. Both of us have so much to say to each other and, at the same time, nothing at all. What would be the point?
“In the spirit of Christmas, Raymond, and because I like to wear big-boy pants—I must say, I have great respect for you. You’ve taken great care of Becca over the years, even though it proved to be very difficult at times. I know that you truly love and care about her. I admire your tenacity and I wish you nothing but happiness in the future.” I wait patiently for his response.
“In the spirit of Christmas, and because my big-boy pants are bigger than yours, I don’t give a flying fuck about what you think—good or bad—you pompous prick!” he snaps. “Oh yeah, Happy Christmas, mate!”
I roll my eyes. I mean, really ... what does she see in this guy? He behaves like an ingenuous arsehole!
“Hey ... guys,” Claudia says in an exaggerated fashion. “This is a strange sight to see.” Her face clearly is asking, what the hell?
“My mom is talking to Becca upstairs,” Ray offers. “Merry Christmas, Claud.” He gets up and hugs her.
“Merry Christmas, Ray. Grayson.” She turns to me and I stand up.
“Happy Christmas, Claudia.” I hug her as well.
“Hey, Claudia!” Stacey comes up from behind.
“Ahh ... she lives!” I announce, because Stacey rarely joins the rest of us for anything.
“Hey, Ray!” She smiles at him, ignoring me.
“Fuck off, Stacey!” Ray snaps.
“What’s the matter with you?” She sits down.
“Why the hell did you lie to Becca about us? Why don’t you call your husband and tell him to take care of his responsibilities instead of wasting everybody’s time with your fictional shit?” He’s pretty pissed—rightfully so!
“What are you talking about, Ray?” She acts oblivious.
“Give it a rest, Stacey! If you’re going to play these kinds of games, you should make sure you’re smarter than your opponents, or at least have the proper resources to back up your lies!”
“Was she mad at you?” she asks.
“No! She knew how far along you are! Becca’s a very smart woman, but most idiots can do the math!” He sighs with frustration. “What the hell is going on with you, Stace?”
“Yes ... we’d all like to know the answer to that one!” I say. Stacey gets up and heads back to her room without a word.
“Dude ... she is not right in the head at all! Something is off!”
I can hardly believe Ray is talking to me.
“I agree, Ray. We’ve been trying to figure it out.” Well, we’ve found common ground that doesn’t make us want to rip each other’s heads off, at least.
“She’s been weird ever since she got here a few months ago,” Claudia adds. Joshua comes up behind Claudia and smacks her bum, making her jump. “Later, fellas.” She waves and heads off with him.
“Looks like you’ve started an epidemic around here,” Ray says.
“Guess so.” I half smile.
“Well, I have an idea,” Ray announces.
“What’s that?” I tread lightly, waiting for a smartass comment.
“Instead of sitting here, staring and wanting to rip each other’s heads off, why don’t we talk about where you are in the investigation? Becca’s safety is our top priority.” Ray leans back and takes hold of his leg, placing his right ankle on top of his left knee.
“Wel
l, funny you should say that.” I smirk.
“Why?” he asks indifferently.
“You were number one on our list of suspects.” There’s no point in holding back. Everything will come to a head in the next day or so.
“What?! Why?” He seems shocked.
“Your unit was stationed in the same place, at the same time, as George’s.” I raise an eyebrow for the aha factor.
“We were? I had no idea.” His strange expression makes me feel confident he’s telling the truth.
“Why did you liquidate all of that money? Where is it now?” I sit back, crossing my legs and arms.
“Dude ... it’s under my mattress!” he says—so seriously, we both laugh. I like him. I hate that I like him. He is a good chap. “I pulled out half a million to put into my firm’s account. I was going to surprise Becca and start the renovations. She’s wanted this for so long. But then, you happened. George happened. I held on to the money because, honestly, I didn’t think you would last this long with her because of her memory issues. I wanted to keep the security on to protect her and Morgan. So the money’s in a safe place.” He’s rubbing his face ... frustrated, I’m sure. “So does Becca think I have anything to do with this?” He looks up.
“No. Actually, neither of us thought it was you. Although, for a moment, you were acting a bit crazy. But Becca was pretty confident you would never do anything to hurt her or put her in danger. I agree.”
“Oh, you both got the memo on that? That’s good!” His sardonic reaction is pretty understandable, actually. I’d be the same way!
“What about Liz? Why did you lie about her?”
I watch as Ray’s face goes pale.
“Honestly, I don’t know. Does she know?” he asks. He seems a bit panicked.
“Yes. She’s the one who had me searching ... when you were acting erratically, of course.”
“What did she think? Did she think I hurt Liz?”
“Well, she wasn’t sure what to think. Quite frankly, Ray, I shouldn’t be speaking for her on this matter. She just doesn’t know why you lied, especially for Annie’s sake. That’s what she was really disappointed about. You have Annie thinking her mother didn’t want her, and that doesn’t sit well with children,” I say calmly.
Goodbye Secrets Page 31