“I have the other half with your name on it,” Annie says. “I’m wearing it right now!”
“I’m putting mine on right now.” I smile as Grayson helps me with it. “Can you do me a favor, Annie?”
“Sure, Becca.”
“Every night at eight o’clock when you go to bed, give your part of your heart a kiss. I will do that every day at five in California. This way, we give each other a kiss good night every night.” I play with the heart on the chain, running it back and forth across my neck.
“That’s a great idea, Mom—er, Becca. I’ll do that every night. I promise!” She’s trying to sound happy, but I can hear the hint of sadness in her voice.
“Me too ... I love you, Annie.”
“I love you, too. Tell Morgan I’ll call her tomorrow.”
“Okay, sweetie, have a good day today.” I wish I could hug her.
“You, too. Bye.” She hangs up and I give Gray the phone.
“Thanks, baby.”
“Welcome. Now, shall we get to your gifts?” He stands up and goes to the tree. He grabs a Christmas bag and brings it over to me. “Dive in, sweetheart.” He sits behind me again.
I get on my knees and reach my hand in. “Any specific order?” I look back to catch him staring at my bum. “Earth to Grayson,” I say with a giggle.
“Hmm? Oh no, no order,” he says, glancing up at me. I mentally shrug and select my first gift. It’s a long, rectangular box. I unwrap and open it to find a PANDORA bracelet. I look closer at each charm. A double-decker bus with the British flag, an airplane, a sleigh, a plain circle with a bible dangling from it, a teacup, a Christmas tree, a baby carriage, a dangling music note, a dangling pearl, an envelope that says To My Love. They are divided here and there by glass beads in my favorite colors, purple and lime green. “Do you like it?” He seems unsure.
“Of course I do! Very symbolic.” I smile and kiss him. “Thank you.”
“Becca ... that’s it?”
“Why? What’s the matter?” I furrow my brow, trying to figure him out.
“I just ... I thought I would get a better reaction. I’m a bit disappointed.” He grabs the bracelet and tosses it into the box.
“Sorry, Gray, I love it. I don’t know what else you want me to say.” I gaze into his eyes.
“Just go on.” He waves his hand. I grab the next gift and open it to find the newest Janet Evanovich Stephanie Plum novel.
“Oh wow! I didn’t even realize another came out!” I love these books!
“Really, Becca?” he snaps. “I spent countless hours choosing each charm, and you show more excitement and appreciation over a fucking book?” His voice is one octave below yelling. Everybody is quiet, trying not to stare at us. I feel so embarrassed.
“Excuse me,” I say, and get up. I head into the kitchen to start breakfast. The big fucking English breakfast I planned for that asshole! “Fucking jerk!” I snap under my breath as I pull out several dozen eggs, sausage, bacon, beans, and potatoes.
The swinging door slams open.
“Becca! What the bloody hell are you doing? We’re opening gifts!”
“What does it look like I’m doing?” I yell.
“Becca, you’re being rude!”
“I’m being rude? You’re kidding, right? Grayson, you are acting very strange today.” I shake my head as I throw the bacon into the pan.
“Please, darling, please come and open the rest of your gifts,” he asks calmly, placing his hands on my hips. A surge of butterflies swoops around in my belly.
“Later.” I close my eyes to try to settle myself. Grayson lets out a frustrated sigh and lets go, then grabs a stool and sits at the island.
“I wish we could start this day over, Becca,” he grumbles.
“Me too, baby ... me too.” I grab the sausages and get them going as well. Within no time, the kitchen smells yummy and my belly is grumbling instead of fighting off the effects of Grayson’s touch. “Gray?” I glance over my shoulder at my defeated-looking fiancé.
“What?”
“Don’t sulk; it’s not very becoming on you, first of all. Second of all, I wish you gave me the bracelet last night. I love it, and I think I would’ve been more expressive if we were alone. Half of those charms have very significant, personal meanings to us. That’s why I didn’t really carry on about it.” I lower the gas on the stove before I walk over to him and lean on the island.
“You know, sweetheart,” he says, and grabs my hips again to pull me to him. “I didn’t even think of that. You’re right. I’m sorry for the way I behaved. It’s no excuse, but I do have a lot on my mind and am a bit off my game.” He rests his forehead against mine.
“Things will be better once we’re back in California.” I squeeze his shoulders, massaging them a bit.
“Will you open the rest of your gifts after breakfast?”
“Yes. I have some for you, as well.”
“You have more for me?” He lights up like a child.
“Of course, baby.” I give him a swift kiss before I get back to breakfast.
I sit back and put my feet up with another cup of coffee—decaf this time—and watch everybody else clean up from breakfast. I don’t feel an ounce of guilt running through my body, nor the ridiculous need to help. I think I deserve to relax for once, and damn it, that’s what I’m going to do! I take another sip and look up to find Grayson holding the Christmas gift bag open by the handles and tilting it back and forth, an unspoken question on his face.
“Sure.” I smile and put my coffee down.
“Okay.” He kneels in front of me and pulls out a thick envelope. “This is last.” He puts it to the side, then hands me three other boxes. “Remember, I have another personal gift I want to give you tomorrow.”
I nod at his reminder and slowly open the first box. It’s a new Cricut cartridge! I pull a Morgan reaction and hurry to the next box. Another one! I look up at Gray.
“I haven’t seen these before!”
“Nope. Not released yet, sweetheart.” He smiles, proud of himself.
“Who’s awesome now?” I kiss him. “Now, what do we have here?” I open the last box and gasp. It’s a Doris Panos blue quartz and diamond bangle bracelet in sterling silver and platinum. I know this not because I have an eye for fine jewelry, but simply because I can read. That’s what the card in the box says. “Grayson, it’s beautiful! I love it!” I put it on immediately.
“Do you, sweetheart?” He takes my hand and looks at my wrist.
“Yes ... really, I do!” I lean in for a kiss. “Okay, I’m dying to know. What’s in that envelope?” With ADD, one’s focus always gets redirected rather quickly!
“Oh ... that? That’s nothing.” He waves his hand like he’s shooing it away. “Let’s not worry about that. Actually, it just may be rubbish that fell in here.” He grabs it. “I’ll just throw it away, sweetheart.” He starts to get up.
“Give me that! Right now, Grayson Michael James, if you know what’s good for you!” I pout, placing my hands on my hips for emphasis.
“Oh ... all right, darling, but I don’t think you’ll like it at all.” He sits beside me and places the manila envelope in my lap. I turn it over, undo the metal brackets, and flip the flap up. I reach in to find a few papers with a narrow, catalog-like book. I pull them all out and start looking through them. I feel Grayson pushing my jaw closed, and I glance up at him.
“Grayson?” I can barely breathe.
“You love to fly, sweetheart. I’ve seen it on your face. It was your dream. I understand why it got pushed aside, but it doesn’t need to be anymore. I want you to get your pilot’s license. It’s an honor for me to make one of your dreams come true, darling.” Finally, he stops talking. My mouth attacks his with such urgency, I take my own breath away. “Shag list then, love?” He chuckles.
“Abso-bloody-friggin-lutely!” I gaze back down at the paperwork.
“Your happiness has and will always be my main focus and concern.
I love you, Becca ... more than my heart and my mind can stand, really.” His overwhelming words leave me with no witty comeback. I’m losing my edge ... or, maybe, my wall of preservation. Instead, I rest my head on his shoulder. Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply the intoxicating smell that is Grayson James.
“Ready for your gift now?”
“Yes! Quite excited for it! You haven’t disappointed me yet!” He nudges my head up. I bite my lip and let my smile hit my eyes instead. I get up and head over to the tree.
“Here you go,” I say as I sit next to him. He takes the envelope and opens it.
“Three horses, sweetheart?” he asks, looking surprised.
“No, those are the three available that you can pick from. Now you’ll have your own horse here. I thought you might go for this one.” I point to the black one.
“I won’t be here, though.”
“Well, we’ll transport him out with us. You have a stable you’re not using. Morgan and I will want our horses out in California.” I’m feeling a bit perturbed. I don’t think he likes his gift. “That way, we can all ride together.”
“It’s lovely, sweetheart.” Half smile.
“Um, well ... that was the grand finale.” I sigh, feeling disappointed.
“Well, thank you, Becca.” He pats my knee and gets up. “Let’s go and get dressed, shall we?”
“Yeah ... sure.” I rise and follow him up the stairs. Ray and I always snuggled on the couch in our PJs for at least a couple of hours after breakfast. Sometimes the girls would have to wake me to start dinner or check on it, depending on if we were having turkey or ham. Every year he would say, This is my favorite part of Christmas ... snuggling with you on this couch, baby. It was my favorite, too. I miss him. I wish we were in Calabasas or London for Christmas instead. It might’ve been easier. There’s too much Ray history here. Holidays make it worse.
I follow Grayson into our room and jump when he slams the door.
“What’s the matter?” I ask.
“You can’t last even a few hours without thinking about him!” he yells. How the hell does he know I was thinking about Ray? “Christ, Becca ... it’s all over your face.” He sighs. “I just wanted one day. You can’t do it. Can you, sweetheart?” He plops onto our bed and rests his head in his hands.
“I don’t know what to say, Grayson.” It’s the truth—I’m speechless. I plop down next to him.
“What were you thinking about?”
“Just that he and I used to snuggle on the couch after breakfast. We were never in a rush to get dressed. That’s all.” I leave out the latter part of my previous thought.
“We have an inn full of security, here to keep you safe. If it was just us, we’d stay in our PJs all day! We don’t have to get dressed. We can snuggle in our bed and put the telly on up here,” he offers. I decide not to mention that the absence of the Christmas tree and the smell of dinner cooking kind of takes away the ambiance of snuggling on Christmas Day. “I’ll go ask Morgy if she wants to join us.” He heads to the door and yells out for her when he opens it. I climb into bed now, wondering what Ray is doing. What the hell is the matter with me? It’ll be better ... I’ll be better once we leave.
“Is she coming?”
“She said maybe later.” He closes the door and climbs in next to me. “What shall we watch, my little snuggle bunny?” He tries to lighten our moods. I feel like such an ass! “He’s fine, Becca. He’s with his family. You are with yours. You can see him tomorrow.” He clicks the TV on. My favorite version of A Christmas Carol, with Reginald Owen as Scrooge, is on. Strange—they rarely ever play this version. “This okay, Becca?”
“Yes. It’s my favorite one.” I squeeze his arm and snuggle into him. I close my eyes to the feeling of Grayson softly kissing my cheek and my ear before he settles into watching the movie.
I open my eyes, and I’m in my bed in my room. I turn my head and find Ray sleeping peacefully. The sun is trying its hardest to peek through the room-darkening shades with a bit of success. The Christmas tree Ray surprised me with is lit and comforting. As much as I try to fight off my feelings for Ray because he’s my best friend, I do love waking up in his arms. I know he cares about me. I know he wants more than a friendship. I’m just so afraid. I don’t want to lose him. I’m so tormented by my past. I’m still haunted by our kiss this past June. Sometimes I wish I would’ve just thrown caution to the wind and made love to him.
“Morning, baby. Merry Christmas.” Ray gently turns my face to his with his fingertips.
“Merry Christmas,” I say, and welcome his lips on mine. My tongue is first to attempt an invasion. It’s greeted urgently by Ray’s, and he even adds a groan. Fuck off, caution! I’m making love to him right here, right now! I fist his hair and turn my body more into him. He climbs on top of me and pulls his mouth away. My breathing is erratic—I don’t even bother to try to steady it.
“Becs?” He stares into my eyes. I look deeply into the storm brewing within them.
“Yes, Ray ... yes.” I pull at the hem of his shirt. He helps me take it off of him. My shirt follows, along with both of our bottoms. He turns his speed from devouring to savoring. I match his tempo without skipping a beat. I run my lips across his shoulder and up his neck, my tongue darting out to taste him. Back up at his jaw, I nip his chin before I capture his lips again. I nudge him with my knee. He pulls back.
“Right to it, baby? No foreplay?”
“Ah, oh ... um, Ray.” I fidget as his fingers tweak and knead my right nipple in a painfully good manner.
“Feel good?”
“Yes, baby,” I say softly. I know how this affects him. “Ray ... please, baby. I need you,” I continue, and watch him close his eyes to soak in the sound of my voice. His eyes open—full-blown storm. He shifts his body a bit and in one swift motion, he’s inside of me. Within a matter of seconds, our hips are in sync with each other. He feels so right. This feels so right ... so good. I feel as if I’m home. A good amount of time passes before Ray and I slowly begin our climb together. It’s been so long since my body has gone through this motion, and I feel like flopping around like a fish out of water. Ray holds me tightly to him to help me steady myself through the waves. I squeeze around him every time he pulls back.
“Becs ... oh, baby ... that’s it ... that feels so good,” he says against my ear. Damn, he’s hot in bed! Come to think of it, he’s pretty hot outside of bed, too. He muffles my cries with his mouth as we come undone together.
“I love you, Ray. I’m so ... in love ... with you,” I say in between pants as he rests his sweaty forehead against mine.
“I love you, baby. I love you,” he breathes, and attacks my lips again.
I open my eyes to find Grayson staring down at me. His nose is flaring and his eyes are damp. I sit up quickly, still feeling a bit disoriented from my dream—which I think was actually a memory.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. We have to get dressed now. You have to cook the ham.” He gets out of bed. Shit! Did I talk in my sleep?
“Grayson, something’s wrong. You are upset.”
He throws on his jeans, saying nothing. I get up and walk over to him, then grab his shirt out of his hands and toss it onto the chair. I lace my fingers with his and slowly walk backward to the bed, bringing him along. When I bump into the mattress with the backs of my thighs, I bring his hands to my hips. He reaches up around my neck and pulls my long brown hair away and onto my other shoulder, allowing him full access to my skin. His lips caress me like the tickle of a close whisper. He pulls away and stares down into my eyes. I sense a strange recognition there, like a memory I’ve forgotten about. It feels powerful. Grayson leans in and rubs his lips lightly against mine. Not a single word is uttered between us as we climb onto the bed and slowly make love.
Grayson and I walk hand in hand downstairs. We haven’t said a word to each other in an hour. It’s been a good silence, though—much needed.
“The ham
s are in. Stacey and I took care of it,” Hazel says with a sigh.
“Thanks. Sorry I’ve been slacking off lately.” I hug her, more so she’ll know I’m not going to flip out.
“We put the Christmas crackers out as well.” She looks past my shoulder, watching Grayson join Morgan in the lounge. “What’s going on with my nephew? Is he all right?” Her powder-blue eyes focus back on me.
“Ugh, Hazel, he’s all over the place, between his mom and Christmas and Ray. He’s itching to get back home to the ranch, and I sort of feel the same way.”
“Really? You’re ready to leave everything you’ve worked hard for ... and Ray?”
“I love Grayson, Hazel, although ...” I trail off.
“Although what?” she asks flippantly.
“Nothing. I just feel like he’s taking ten steps back after taking five forward. I think it’s from being here, though. Then again, I don’t know, because he’s always been up and down about us. I feel very confused.” I’m honest and open, like I’ve always been. She walks away from me without a word. Um ... okay. Good talk! I remind myself that he is her nephew. She’s entitled to be a bit sensitive on this matter, I guess.
I head into the lounge, where Morgan is teaching Grayson how to play her latest PlayStation game. I grab my new book and try not to think of He Who Should Not Be Mentioned or Thought Of. After about ten minutes, Stacey plops down and elbows me. I look over at her, and she shows me her phone.
December 25, 2012 1:30 p.m.
Ray: Stacey, its Elise. Ray is destroying the house. He’s drunk and out of control. We can’t get him to calm down! Becca needs to help us. Please!
Grayson comes up to us and grabs Stacey’s phone. “Enough!” he screams and throws it against the wall, where it smashes into a million pieces.
“Hey!” Stacey yells.
Goodbye Secrets Page 37